


Capsize

by niamcuddles



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Basically, Fluff and Smut, M/M, actually almost 6 rip, and like marks, as usual for the past 4 years or however long ive been here, its a normal world except everyone has a soulmate, its all explained in the fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-01-28 22:43:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 158,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21399850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niamcuddles/pseuds/niamcuddles
Summary: Liam's life feels plain and boring and everyone around him seems to have already figured everything out. It doesn't really help that the entire world seems to be obsessed with soulmates, and the only people who aren't are himself and this Niall guy he's met at work.(Or Liam and Niall both hate the soulmate concept but for completely different reasons.)
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan/Liam Payne
Comments: 193
Kudos: 140





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ( as usual I stole the title from a song, this time it's "Capsize" by Frenship & Emily Warren, it's a really great song and it insipired me a lot to write this fic even though the lyrics don't really apply i think, not sure where this is going though)

“Maybe I’m just gonna quit.“ Liam just put it out there without thinking it through because he had been considering it all week, had simply kept it to himself. Because of the exact reaction he had known he was going to get.

“You’ve been there for one week.” Louis reminded him, throwing a confused look at Liam right before the other man looked away, shrugging. “What’s so bad about it?”

“The hours suck, the pay sucks, the people are- they’re alright. But some of them aren’t. Whatever, that’s not the point. It’s just… it’s not that great.” An understatement, but to be fair, Liam hadn’t had the best week in general. “And it takes me bloody ages to get there. And the costumers are rude, I’ve not gotten any tip and I already dropped three glasses.”

“I told you not to apply to that place.” His friend told him, which made Liam wanna roll his eyes, not because he was annoyed with Louis but rather with himself. 

“Well, but I did.” Liam gave back, a little bit worked up right now. He should’ve listened to Louis’ advice, but he hadn’t, and now it was too late. “I can’t quit, where else would I work?”

“Literally anywhere else?” Good point. “Liam, it’s just a side job, and you only work there for two or three days a week. And I imagine even if you did quit you’d have to stay for at least another few weeks.”

“That’s actually why I haven’t quit yet.” But also a little because it would’ve been embarrassing and stressful to find another job on such short notice and anyways, Liam wasn’t going to quit and they all knew it. “Anyways-“

“Are you just gonna switch the topic like that?” Louis didn’t sound surprised, rather amused actually, and now Liam regretted having turned down the drink Harry had offered him before disappearing into the bathroom. 

“I would have.” Liam tried not to get annoyed, but he was. Also, it was kinda getting late and he had to literally get up at the crack of dawn to go to uni, which was the very last thing he felt like doing. “But I should probably head home anyways.”

“I can drive you.” The other man offered, and Liam was about to decline, but the thought of taking the bus right now almost made him wanna puke, so he immediately agreed instead. “Babe, I’m driving Liam home!”

“Okay, bye!” Harry yelled from the other room, and Liam still had no idea what he was even doing but he decided it wasn’t any of his concern. Plus, he had way overstayed his welcome, so he couldn’t get mad that Harry had left at some point to get other things done.

“Bye!” Liam half yelled back, suddenly feeling overcome by tiredness the moment he got up.

Louis didn’t bother putting on decent clothing or shoes as usual whenever he drove Liam home, and it was dark right now, but sometimes it was very light and he stopped to get gas or go to the store. Not that Liam cared, he actually quite admired how his friend could live life so easily, without a care in the world about what other people thought.

Because god knew Liam was the complete opposite, even if he liked to pretend he wasn’t.

“Are you really gonna quit?” Louis asked again after they had gotten into the car and Liam had almost already forgotten about that conversation. 

“Probably not.” Liam admitted, knowing himself way too well. He was always quick to jump the gun, but he rarely went through with it because he got stressed out way too easily. “Maybe it’ll get better… it _was_ only the first week.”

“Yeah, and maybe people are nicer once you get to know them.” Now they were both just trying to talk it better, but it was really whatever at this point. 

“I can’t remember anyone’s name.” Not that he had tried very hard. “It’s just too many people at once, and then all the new people at uni as well.”

“You’ll be fine, Li, just give it some time. I know that kinda sucks to say ‘cos it’s not helping right now but it’s true.” He was right, about both the fact that it was probably going to get better, but also that it wasn’t really helping to have him say it out loud.

“I hope so.” What else was there to do?

The thing was, Liam actually didn’t like talking to Louis about these things, because even if his friend tried his hardest, Liam was aware that he’d never _get_ it like that, because he was at a completely different stage in life even though they were the same age. And Liam was trying his hardest right now to fix wherever wrong choices in the past had led him, but things weren’t exactly turning out in his favor lately. 

After Louis had dropped him off at home, Liam tried his best to be quiet as to not wake anyone, telling himself he was going to actually do the reading for tomorrow, but at some point the clock hit 2 am and he had not only watched around 50 billion YouTube videos, but also long forgotten about any homework he had had. 

Which was kinda sad considering tomorrow was only the start of the second week of the semester, but Liam would manage somehow, he always did, even if it literally took him having a nervous breakdown first.

\----------------------------

“This is what it’s always like on a day during the week.” One of Liam’s coworkers startled him quite a bit while he had just been hanging out in the back, occasionally throwing a look around the corner to check whether any new customers had entered the restaurant. “Super fun, right?”

“Yeah, I can barely contain my excitement.” Liam joked, but he honestly didn’t even feel like laughing right now. He wanted to go home, he had been here for 5 hours already and now it was 10 at night and he didn’t have uni in the morning, but he sure as hell had assignments to do. “How long have you been working here?”

“A year. You already asked me that last week.” The other boy reminded him and Liam immediately felt bad, but now it was too late. 

“Right. Sorry. ‘s just… a lot of people work here.” Plus all the people Liam had met at uni, and he had never been the best at remembering faces or names. Maybe that was why he had such a hard time actually becoming friends with people. Or maybe he was just picky and a little bit whiny.

“I know. We go through them quickly as well, no one can deal with the shitty hours.” The other guy laughed, but they both knew he definitely wasn’t lying. “So if you already quit last week and are just waiting it out now I’d totally get it.”

“I didn’t. But I was thinking about it.” Liam admitted, right before realizing that maybe he shouldn’t have said that to anyone here. Then again, from what he had gathered, no one particularly enjoyed working here for the most part. 

“I think everyone here has, at least once a day.” How was Liam going to last here, seriously? “How much tip did you make last week?”

“Zero.” Liam just said it how it was because whatever, he wasn’t even embarrassed because he had tried his best to be nice to people, it just hadn’t changed anything. “Would probably help if I didn’t drop things in front of the customers.” 

“You’ve never been a waiter before working here?” He sounded surprised, and even more so as Liam shook his head, honestly still shocked as well that he had gotten the job. And that the sign that the place was looking for people hadn’t gone done after they had hired him, as if it was just permanent decoration. “They really got desperate. Like, no offense to you or anything.”

“None taken.” Seriously, it also hadn’t sounded offensive, and Liam knew what the other guy was talking about. Maybe Liam should have really shown more gratitude upon having gotten this job, maybe… maybe it would get better over time. 

“I think we got someone else starting tomorrow and- oh shit.” He interrupted himself, having watched the door for the both of them, and upon seeing his face, Liam wasn’t sure whether he even wanted to know who had just entered the restaurant. “_Another_ birthday.”

“How do you know?” Liam was genuinely confused as he finally got up to check as well.

“They got presents in that bag, I can tell. Can you maybe go and tell Niall that he’ll probably have to bring the guitar out?” The other man was already collecting menus to bring to the customers, and Liam suddenly felt slightly overwhelmed.

“Who is Niall?” Seriously.

“The one with the accent.” Was all he got back, and then the other guy, who Liam had also forgotten the name of, had left to greet the people who had just entered and Liam felt like an idiot. Just like he seemed to feel every day since the semester had started, so that was nothing new at least.

Liam did make sure to go check at one of his two tables to ask if the people there were doing alright, if they needed anything, and they were just annoyed with him, so he tried to forget about it upon walking away to find this Niall guy. 

He had probably met him, just as he had probably met about everyone here but just couldn’t remember. Okay, maybe he did remember one or two people, but that was basically it. They weren’t a lot of people working today because it was a weekday, but Liam didn’t even know if Niall was another waiter or a cook or whoever else, so that was the main issue here. 

It did turn out that because they were understaffed, it seemed there was only one other waiter here chatting to one of the cooks, so Liam decided to take his shot. He did wait until it seemed appropriate to walk up to them, not wanting to like, be rude or whatever because it also hadn’t seemed as if this other guy had been too serious. Then again, it was only Liam’s third day, so he really wanted to at least try.

“Hey, sorry, uh… are you Niall?” He honestly expected a no, or a correction of the name because at this point Liam wasn’t sure anymore what he had even heard. 

“Yeah.” The other guy, Niall apparently, had answered slowly, and upon looking at him, Liam could suddenly very well remember that Niall was actually the first person who he had met here. Amazing. “And you’re Liam.”

“Yeah, sorry, I was just- a lot of people work here. I’m an idiot.” Liam blurted out, now genuinely feeling bad, but Niall didn’t seem too bothered. “So, like, somebody else told me that there’s apparently a birthday and I should tell you something about-“

“I need to get the guitar.” Niall finished for him, and Liam nodded, unsure of whether that annoyed him or not, but actually also not caring that much if he was being honest. “Okay, I’ll be right back. Oh, the person who told you that is Zayn, we’re the only three waiters working tonight. But he said he already met you.”

“I think I already met everyone.” Liam admitted, and at least that made Niall laugh before he left and all Liam could think was that he didn’t even have that much of an accent.

It was definitely a boring few more hours, with little customers, and Niall did actually have to bring out the guitar and sing happy birthday even though it was already 10:30 at night by that point. Who even went out to eat that late on a Tuesday night? One of many questions Liam had upon finally being able to go home at 1 in the morning. 

“How are you getting home?” Liam slowed down a bit when Zayn asked the question, he had walked ahead of the other two because he had already noticed throughout the night that they were pretty good friends, so he wasn’t trying to like, get in between or whatever.

“I’m taking the train and then-“

“Okay, I can drive you. I’m taking Niall home as well. Where do you live?” That was a surprise, but Liam immediately told him, not sure if maybe it was an inconvenience or not, whether Zayn already regretted offering, but he didn’t end up saying anything. 

It was a little strange tagging along with the other two, and sitting in the back of Zayn’s very small and very crammed car, but Liam decided that all that mattered was that he didn’t have to take the train and then walk for like 15 minutes in the middle of the night.

“Did that girl you were talking to ever actually answer?” Niall asked Zayn once the other man was pulling out of the parking lot, and Liam pretended to be looking out the window, into complete darkness. God, he should’ve still done like 10 assignments upon getting home. 

“Yeah, but she was acting off and then the conversation kinda died.” Zayn didn’t sound too bothered by it, but Liam also had no idea what this was about. “Think she was a little turned off by the fact that I’m a waiter and will probably always stay one.”

“You won’t, just because they say you can’t do anything with an art degree doesn’t mean it applies to everyone in the entire world. You’re good at what you do.” Niall seemed very supportive, and Liam kinda wanted to ask what exactly Zayn was doing, but he was also afraid that he had already asked him last week and simply forgotten about it.

“I mean, I’ll survive somehow, it’s all good. But thanks, Ni.” Zayn laughed, either having decided to just accept things as they were or genuinely not caring. Liam truly wished he could have had a bit of that spirit. “What are you studying again, Liam? I vaguely remember you telling me something, but I forgot, sorry.”

“It’s fine, uh, psychology. I’m, like, really far behind because I also did a degree in English, but… “ But yeah. And also because he didn’t have the best memory when it came to exams and stuff.

“What can you actually do with that? English, I mean.” He sounded interested, as if they weren’t actually co-workers just doing small-talk. 

“Nothing.” Liam said it as it was, or at least how it was for him personally because surely other people knew a lot to do with that degree. “Unless you’re really passionate about it and… I’m not.”

“I can relate to that.” Zayn joked, and Liam tried to laugh but he wasn’t actually that amused if he was being honest. “Seems like only Niall is going places.”

“If I ever graduate, maybe.” Now that Liam thought about it, he did actually remember asking Niall what he went to uni for last week, and he was 99% certain that it had been primary school teacher. But he only remembered that because Louis was also a teacher. 

“So we’re just a bunch of losers in this car, huh?” It seemed so, but it wasn’t very comforting even if Zayn was maybe trying to make them feel this way. Then again, it also seemed that Liam was the only one who truly cared. “Since we’re already talking about our amazing future plans, how’s your soulmate search going, Liam?”

And that was the exact moment that Liam wished he hadn’t gotten into this car. 

“Uh, I’m not sure it’s actually going, so… “ So that was all he wanted to say to that really, because it was a very touchy topic for him, something he thought about pretty much every single day but never actually spoke about. “Yours?”

“Zayn thinks everyone is his soulmate.” Niall threw in, jokingly, and Zayn huffed in the driver’s seat. Did he still actually know where he was going or how to get to Liam’s place?

“Not true. I’m just not sure how people really notice once they’ve met their soulmate without staring at their mark like maniacs.” Well, Liam wouldn’t know about that. 

“You can’t, that’s the whole point. You’re not supposed to actively search for your soulmate and go on 50 dates a week, I already told you, Z.” Oh, now Liam really didn’t wanna be in this car anymore. “It’s supposed to happen naturally.” 

“That’s bullshit, why would I wait years when I might as well meet that person tomorrow? Right, Liam?” Okay, why did he ask Liam for support now?

“I… “ Liam started, considering to just agree, but he was actually more siding with Niall on this, although… to be quite honest, neither of their opinions were matching his own. “I actually think none of it makes any sense and I don’t think we’re meant to spend our entire lives searching for a soulmate, or even want a soulmate. Because what’s the point? It makes life pretty empty apart from that and everyone who doesn’t find theirs feels like shit and will rarely find someone who would wanna be with them.”

So then there was a bit of silence, and Liam realized he had said a bit too much, had been a bit too honest, a bit too passionate, but it was too late. He barely even knew Zayn and Niall, and yet here they were in a car together discussing their non-existing love lives at 1 in the morning. 

“Phew. Think he might be _your_ soulmate, Niall.” What?

“I think we’d know if he was.” Niall threw in, and Liam wanted to agree but then he realized that no, they wouldn’t know. Because if there actually was someone out there for Liam, he’d never notice meeting them or just bumping into them. “Can we stop at the gas station real quick? I don’t have anything for breakfast tomorrow morning.”

They switched the topic rather abruptly, randomly, but Liam was stuck thinking about it all the way home and up until he was lying in bed, unable to fall asleep or do any work for uni. It seemed really stupid, now that so many years had passed, to still not have come to terms with what he had done. A stupid teenage act following unrequited love, and now it would forever influence Liam’s life. How was he supposed to not think the idea of soulmates was stupid, when at age 15, almost 9 years ago, he had made sure he’d never meet his?

\--------------------------

A month passed by too quickly, but also way too slowly. Liam felt like the semester should’ve already come to an end and that he should’ve already lived himself in a bit more at the restaurant, but none of that ever happened. Life was still the same, a little boring and a little stressful, and somehow Liam was unable to come to terms with it.

“Are you working today?” Liam’s mother wanted to know while Liam was in the kitchen absently cooking food for himself, already having burned himself twice.

“No, they cancelled my shift.” Nothing was going on at the restaurant because it was a Wednesday, and Liam had to admit that although he’d be bored now, he was also relieved. “Why?”

“Just asking. Are you going out?” She was asking as if she already knew the answer, and Liam couldn’t even be mad.

“Probably not.” Louis and Harry were busy because they had actual lives, so there was that. 

“Okay, can you maybe do the laundry then? And vacuum clean the floors? I’ll only be back in the evening.” Liam just agreed to all of it as usually, and then his mother was already out the door and he was alone, considering actually going out. By himself or something.

It took around 2 or 3 hours to get everything done, and Liam did a bit more than necessary just to avoid having to consider doing uni work, and by the time he was actually sitting by his desk about to start his laptop, he decided to procrastinate a bit more and check his phone for a bit. Turned out to be kind of a good idea.

_Zayn from work 16:29  
Hey! I saw your shift got cancelled, are you doing anything later?_

No idea how Zayn had seen that, or where, but he had already sent it an hour ago and Liam kinda hated himself for regretting not checking his phone sooner. He wasn’t really the kinda person to hang out with a lot of people, plus he also didn’t have many who asked and he WAS really bored right now and didn’t wanna do any uni work, so this seemed like a good option. Provided he even wanted to hang out, which Liam didn’t wanna assume.

_To Zayn from work 17:36  
Hi, sorry for the late reply. No im not doing anything_

Had that been rude? But then again, who even cared because Liam had already half convinced himself that Zayn would either tell him that he had already asked somebody else, or that he had meant to send the message to another person altogether. But no, it just took him a couple minutes to reply while Liam wasted his time watching 2 YouTube tutorials.

_Zayn from work 17:47  
You wanna go watch a movie?_

To be fair, at first Liam really did not want to, reason being that he barely even knew Zayn, but maybe it wasn’t such a terrible idea after all. Because how many people had already told him that he needed to be more out-going and actually say yes to stuff like that? Way too freaking many.

Liam waited a bit, so he wouldn’t come off as too desperate before agreeing, only afterwards realizing that he hadn’t ever even asked what movie they were going to watch and Zayn never mentioned it either, simply told Liam a time and place with an emoji that seemed as if he was happy that Liam had agreed. So even if they didn’t become friends, because that rarely happened, at least Liam wouldn’t just be sitting around all night. 

He still had some time before he’d have to leave, but because doing any uni work-related things seemed completely unappealing, Liam just took longer to get ready and then ended up leaving early as well. Just because the trains might be late, right?

It was already dark outside because it was the middle of October, and also pretty damn cold and Liam felt his mood sinking just thinking about it. He wasn’t particularly enjoying hot weather, but then he also didn’t enjoy the winter months, so maybe the truth was, he was never happy with the weather or the season. Fact was, whenever it got darker sooner, he definitely felt his motivation and mood leave just as quickly.

“Hey, have you been here for long?” Zayn surprised Liam when he showed up, causing him to flinch a little because he had been standing there for at least 15 minutes, lost in thoughts. The cinema was almost completely empty because it was a weekday, so Liam had felt a little awkward just standing there, but waiting outside would’ve been way too cold. 

“No, I just arrived as well.” Liam lied, suddenly feeling even weirder about all of this. 

“Okay, good. Niall should’ve already been here as well.” Wait, he was coming too?

“Oh, hm. Maybe there’s a lot of traffic.” Better to just pretend like he didn’t care, because he didn’t, he had just not known that Niall would be joining them. Not that it mattered, Liam hadn’t spent too much time with either of them although Zayn was working a lot more often than everyone else, so Liam mostly had his shifts with him. 

“I’m gonna call him, maybe- oh, there he is.” There he was indeed, looking a bit out of breath, face red from the cold and when Zayn went to hug him, Liam suddenly felt like he was third-wheeling Louis and Harry just like on any other day. Why had they even asked him to come? “I could’ve picked you up, Ni.”

“It’s fine, just had to run a bit… hi.” Niall directed the hi at Liam, barely looking at him though and Liam suddenly wondered if he was annoyed that he was here. Then again, he didn’t really look so happy about being here in the first place. “Why did I have to come watch this movie with you if Liam’s here as well?”

“I thought it’d be fun. And Liam never even asked what we’re watching.” Right.

“Well, you’re in for a real treat then.” Niall sounded very sarcastic, rolling his eyes as he started walking away from them. “I’m gonna get popcorn and I’m not sharing.”

“He never shares.” Zayn told Liam more quietly before walking after his friend and Liam kinda had no choice but to follow. Just like always when saying yes to things like that, he truly regretted it now, plus he also had missed his chance to ask what they were watching because even if he’d hate it, he was already here.

Niall got a shit ton of stuff to eat, “to have something to do” as he explained, and Liam stayed curious up until they were buying the tickets and he had to spend way too much money on some horror movie he had kinda wanted to see anyways. But he didn’t say that, because Niall and Zayn spent way too much time arguing over the trailer they seemed to have both watched at home prior to coming here.

“It’s gonna be terrible, I won’t look for 80% of the time.” Niall randomly told Liam when they were already in their seats, and Zayn had left to go to the bathroom. Liam would’ve gone with him, but he had had way too much time to do so before the others had arrived. 

“Are you scared?” It sure as hell didn’t look like it.

“No, I don’t care. I just think it’s gross and the plot sucks, I already read all of it on Wikipedia. To prepare myself, y’know. Almost gave Zayn all the spoilers so I wouldn’t have to come, but he would’ve killed me.” Niall was talking while chewing, so it was a bit difficult to follow along, but Liam was trying his best. He had talked to Niall a couple times at work, just random, small-talk things, but never really in depth. 

“I was surprised that he asked me to come.” Liam admitted, regretting it a little bit, but also whatever.

“Why? We all work together in this hellhole.” Niall just shrugged, as if he couldn’t understand where Liam was coming from and Liam had to remind himself that not everyone lived life the way he did, especially when it came to social aspects.

“Why do you keep working there if you hate it?” A question Liam might have as well asked himself, but he did have an answer for that. It was more convenient than looking for something else.

“Maybe I’d hate something else just as much. At least I already know everyone there and the boss lets me decide what days I wanna work.” Good point. “Also, just to warn you, Zayn’s gonna go on and on about the cultural and artistic elements of the film, just agree with him even if we both know that it sucks.” 

“I’ll try my best.” Liam promised, a little worried now, and he would’ve said something else, but then Zayn was already back from the bathroom, seemingly having picked up more snacks on the way. 

He did go on and on about things in the film he was excited for even before it had started, and Niall mostly kept his eyes straight ahead, eating popcorn and candy, so Liam felt a bit forced to answer and listen for the both of them. 

The thing was, the movie wasn’t as terrible as Niall had made it out to be, but it was definitely a little gross and every time Liam looked away, he noticed Niall either doing things on his phone or staring straight into his popcorn. Their eyes did meet once and Niall just grinned briefly, mouthing something Liam never understood, but he nodded anyways because that was polite, right?

It was an interesting experience to say the last, especially when the film had ended and Liam noticed that Niall had had his head on Zayn’s shoulder for probably a while, because he didn’t budge immediately. Seemed like Liam was forever doomed to either third-wheel relationships or best friends. 

“We should go for a drink.” Zayn proposed almost immediately once they were walking out, and Liam had already been thinking about going to bed.

“It’s really late.”

“I have work tomorrow.”

Both Niall and Liam spoke at the same time, and Zayn just rolled his eyes at them, throwing his arm around Niall’s shoulders, who didn’t look too unhappy about it. “First of all, you’re both lazy. Second of all, Liam, your shift can’t possibly start before 2 in the afternoon, and Niall, I know you have absolutely nothing to do tomorrow. So we’re going for a drink.”

“You gotta somehow drive your car home.” Niall reminded him, which sounded like a really good argument, but it wasn’t really helping.

“I can drink water. Or just one beer. Don’t try to find excuses, we’re going anyways.” So that’s what they did. 

This was kind of new for Liam, going out for drinks with people, like, he had done it before of course, he just never really found himself quite enjoying it. Unless he got really drunk, and he really did not wanna get drunk with these two tonight, especially because Zayn really seemed to mean it when he said he’d stick to water, so it was more like going for coffee or something. In the middle of the night, on a weekday.

“I think the film was really interesting, like not just some mainstream Hollywood trash.” Liam just nodded along to whatever Zayn was saying, having analyzed every scene by now, as he already had started in the car. 

“It’s not trash. There’s a reason some things are considered mainstream, it’s because a lot of people enjoy them.” Niall finally spoke up after the third beer, and Liam was getting a little worried where this night and conversation was taking them and where they’d end up. He had already considered texting Louis, but then he hadn’t. Maybe because deep down he somehow enjoyed actually for once doing something out of the norm for him, so he didn’t immediately wanna tell Louis about it as if it was a real sensation or whatever.

“Not me.” Zayn answered and Liam almost laughed when Niall rolled his eyes across the table.

“Clearly.” He then emptied his glass and Liam almost expected him to wave the waiter over yet again, but no. “How many inspired paintings can I expect to be sent in the next three weeks?”

“At least ten.” Zayn sounded quite honest, as if he didn’t care that Niall seemed to be mocking him, and without missing a beat, he turned to Liam. “Liam, I forgot to ask, are you by chance looking to re-decorate your walls right now?”

“Oh my god.” Niall groaned, burying his face in his arms on the table. Although, he probably wasn’t just annoyed with Zayn, he clearly also had had too much to drink already. “None of us can afford-“

“Ignore him, he just wants to ruin my business. I’ll make you a friendship deal.” At this point, Liam couldn’t tell anymore whether they were kidding or not, Zayn especially, but he also had no idea what to say either way. And luckily he also didn’t have to.

“What business?” Niall threw in, lifting his head pretty quickly upon hearing this. “The one you can’t get started because you refuse to promote your stuff online like I told you to do twenty million times?” 

“Not everyone enjoys running a blog, Niall.” Was he running one? Liam wouldn’t even be surprised anymore. “Some people are actually concerned with what technology might do to humanity.”

There was a moment of silence where they were just looking at each other, and then Niall simply got up. “I have to pee.”

“Don’t drop your phone in the toilet.” Zayn told him while the other boy was already walking away, giving no reaction. “We actually love each other.”

“I didn’t think you didn’t.” Liam was aware that they were pretty good friends, that it was friendly banter, and that maybe Niall hadn’t been in the best mood all night anyways. “I, uh… I got a friend who always says the exact same. About technology and stuff.”

“Is this friend interested in purchasing art?” Actually…

“He just moved in with my best friend, his boyfriend, actually, and they’re still not done decorating, so… maybe.” Their walls were pretty empty after all. “I could always ask, but they’re not the richest, if you’re looking to become a millionaire.”

“Hmm.” Was all Zayn made, and at first Liam didn’t really get the reaction, wasn’t sure if they were still being serious or not until the other boy continued. “His… boyfriend?”

“Um, yeah?” Liam always said it without thinking, and it wasn’t the first time somebody reacted weirdly, but he really would have not thought Zayn would. “If you’ve got a problem with that then I should probably lea-“

“No, no. Sorry, no. That’s not why- I was just… are they like- are they soulmates?” Oh.

“Yeah.” Liam confirmed, still confused, still on guard and a little upset, but Zayn actually looked pretty guilty now. “Storybook soulmates, they met when we were all 14 and since then… you know. Why are you asking?”

“No reason… I was just wondering, is all. I don’t know a lot of people who aren’t straight and not soulmates, sorry if that was rude. I was just curious.” It had kinda been rude, and Liam also didn’t get the reaction still, but he shrugged it off. “I just always think, like… imagine going through your life thinking you know who you’re attracted to and then you meet your soulmate and _bam_, they’re completely different from that. I’m not like, even talking about gender or whatever, also look and personality wise. Just everything. Sorry, I didn’t wanna be ignorant.”

“It wasn’t like that for them though, Louis was always into Harry’s type. And not every soulmate has to end in a romantic relationship anyways or last forever.” The whole concept was disturbing to Liam, but maybe he was a little biased, and maybe he had conditioned himself a little, for a bit of a way too long time. “It’s not for everyone. I’m not even sure I believe in it.”

“It seems everyone believes in it. Except a handful of people I’ve met, including you and Niall.” This wasn’t surprising to Liam in any way because of their car conversation they’ve had a bit ago, but he had no time to answer.

“What about me?” Niall asked, already having come back from the bathroom, looking a bit more sober as he sat back down opposite them. 

“Nothing. Just you and Liam both hating soulmates.” A bit exaggerated maybe, but then again… 

“So? We already established that ages ago.” The other boy sounded quite calm saying it, also not very interested in getting further into it though. “Did you get him to buy anything yet?”

“His friends might.” Okay, so he HAD been serious?

“Do you- I can ask them. If you want.” Liam didn’t really care, he also didn’t think that Harry and Louis would say yes, but he was trying his best to be nice and social. “Not sure if they’re gonna be on board though.”

“If you want to, that’d be great, thanks. I also do custom pieces.” He said it very proudly, and Liam met Niall’s eyes for just a second, who very quickly looked away, waving over another waiter. These people were one of the strangest Liam had ever met, but that didn’t really say a lot.

Niall had one more beer, and Zayn spent another hour asking Liam about Harry and Louis and what their home looked like, and then proceeded to also question Liam on his. Liam didn’t enjoy talking about that too much, because he always felt like people thought he was strange for still living at home. The thing was just, he HAD moved out for a bit, and then come back, and now he had no money and it was complicated. But he usually spared people the whole story, and Zayn didn’t even bat an eye anyways. 

It was mostly Zayn and Liam talking, Niall did occasionally speak up, but he also took his phone out a lot towards the end, and when Zayn was driving them both home, Liam was pretty sure that Niall had fallen asleep in the passenger seat when he was getting out. 

And yet once Liam was lying down, he still spent two hours trying to find Niall’s blog or anything of him online with no success.

\---------------

The thing was, Zayn was literally always working, so he was constantly around, but what Liam did notice after that night out and a couple of days had passed was that he hadn’t had a shift with Niall in what felt like ages. And he also wasn’t quite sure why he had even noticed that, but he tried not to think about it because whatever. It’s not like they were friends.

“- so they really said yes?” Zayn seemed just as shocked as Liam once he had told him that Louis, despite Harry’s protest, was genuinely interested in buying art from Zayn. 

“I couldn’t believe it either.” Liam joked, laughing when Zayn rolled his eyes, still looking really excited though. Their break was about to end and it was a really busy night, so they had to talk quick. “Louis said maybe it’d be best if you came over and looked at the wall he’s talking about because the photo he took isn’t that good and something about the color of the carpet and the curtains or whatever.”

“Sure, of course.” Zayn was immediately on board, as expected, apparently getting everything Liam had just said. “That’s really cool, thanks for asking them.” 

“Yeah, no problem. I didn’t think they’d say yes.” To be fair, only Louis had said yes, and Harry had seemed wary, but had eventually just shrugged when Liam had talked to them two days ago because he had honestly forgotten about it for a while, and it had only been a joke as well. 

“Niall also told me they wouldn’t. I gotta text him.” He already had his phone out while talking, and Liam thought about just letting the moment pass, but for some reason he couldn’t.

“Where is Niall, actually? Haven’t seen him in a while… “ Not that he cared, he was just wondering.

“He took a few vacation days because he’s gotta study. And a few of his relatives have come to visit from Ireland or something.” Zayn explained, sounding a bit absent because he was typing at the same time and Liam just nodded to himself, not even sure why he had needed to know. 

“Should I give you Louis’ number?” Liam decided to change the topic real quick, actually not even having asked Louis yet whether it would be alright or not when Zayn agreed, so he decided the least damage would be done by simply creating a group-chat. Also a little because he suddenly felt kinda weird about introducing them to one another when he didn’t even know Zayn that well to begin with. 

Because it was a busy night, they didn’t really have a lot of time to speak to one another again, or any of the other people working tonight. Over time, Liam felt like he had become a little better at the job, and he sometimes got actual tip, but his maths skills still weren’t the best and neither was his memory. He was getting MOST orders right though, so that was all that counted.

Also, a lot of the people were straight out rude and although in the very beginning Liam had felt personally attacked, he was more starting to become a little annoyed. BUT he was doing a really good job at hiding it, so at least he had something going for him, if the job itself wasn’t that fulfilling and uni wasn’t going too great either. 

Liam would have been lying if he had said that the late hours and all the standing and walking weren’t killing him a bit, but at least these problems had kind of fixed his sleeping troubles, even if he never really got home before 1 or 2 in the morning whenever he was working.

“Where are you going?” Liam was starting to become a bit confused when Zayn kept walking with him after their shifts had ended, past the parking lot.

“I actually gotta take the train as well tonight.” Oh, so there would be no napping until Liam got home. 

“Is your car broken?” He had never taken the train before, although Liam was just asking to be polite, because he actually didn’t even feel like talking anymore because he was freezing his ass off, wrapping his jacket even tighter around himself. Damn it, he had really been hoping Zayn would offer to drive him home.

“No, I let Niall borrow it.” Zayn shrugged, apparently not bothered by the cold while Liam wondered how it wasn’t snowing yet. 

“Oh. Okay.” It would’ve been rude to ask for what, right? “And he’s not coming to pick you up?”

“He said he would, but I told him to sleep, he’s got an exam tomorrow morning.” They really were that kinda friends then, not like Liam hadn’t already known, but… not _known_ known. He had never hung out with them again, and he hadn’t ever even seen Niall again after that movie.

“How long have you known Niall for?” Had he ever asked that before? Probably.

“Like… almost a year? We both started working here around the same time, that’s how we met.” Right, that really wasn’t long at all, especially considering how they acted towards each other, but it was none of Liam’s business anyways. Plus, he wasn’t really one to talk when it came to making friends, because he had made 0 real friends since primary school. And that really mostly included Louis and Harry.

“Cool.” Was all Liam thought to say, and Zayn let out a weird sounding laugh and then luckily they had to run for the train, so that ended that conversation.

The wagons were usually almost empty at this time unless it was a weekend, the occasional drunk people here and there, but they ended up all alone tonight. Maybe Liam was a little glad that Zayn was with him, because taking the train did feel slightly sketchy at times, but as many times as Liam’s mother voiced her concerns, now Liam was in too deep to quit this job, and too stressed out to find a new one.

“Can I ask you a weird question?” Zayn suddenly asked after they had been quiet for a couple minutes, and Liam had almost fallen asleep in his seat, nodding even though he wasn’t all too sure. “What does your mark look like?”

“Wh- oh.” At least that immediately woke Liam from his almost slumber, and he had to clear his throat, sitting up a bit straighter, trying to act natural. As natural as a conversation could be talking about soulmate marks right now. “It’s, uh- it’s got a weird shape. Hard to describe.”

“Show me then.” Okay, wow, pretty invasive?

“It’s in a weird place for a train.” Liam lied smoothly, well aware that he was being obvious, so he tried to take the attention away from himself, even though he didn’t care. Actually didn’t even WANT to continue this talk. “Show me yours.”

Zayn did so without hesitation, easily opening his jacket and slipping it off his shoulder along with his shirt to show Liam the birth mark on his shoulder. Liam pretended to take a closer look, but he didn’t actually see all too much in the dim lightning of the train. “I’m just really interested in the whole concept.”

“Is that why you’re trying to find your soulmate?” Then again, who wasn’t these days?

“I’m not as desperate as Niall made me out to be. But yeah, I mean, I’d like to find them. I just wanna know what it really feels like and stuff, and I imagine it changes your life completely. I know you’ve got issues with that thought, but I kinda like it. And I think it’d be really inspiring.” He sounded honest, so Liam couldn’t get mad. Plus, he knew Zayn was an artist and also that he liked to analyze and look at things from way too many different angles, even after knowing him for such a short period of time. 

“You can ask Harry and Louis all about it, they don’t mind talking about it for hours on end.” Truly.

“I think everyone who’s met their soulmate likes talking about it. At least I’ve never met anyone who didn’t.” Sadly, Liam knew what Zayn was talking about. “Well… “

“… what?” Liam asked when Zayn just randomly broke off, but then he just shook his head, as if in deep thought, and Liam didn’t keep on pushing because whatever, this conversation was already uncomfortable enough as it was. “I just think I’d like to have my life figured out and that’s more important than a soulmate.”

“If you think so. Maybe that’s exactly what you’re missing though.” Maybe.

“If it’s pre-destined who we end up with, then it’s probably also already set in stone when and _if_ we’ll meet that person, so there’s no point thinking about it.” With a big emphasis on the _if_, because Liam liked to almost reveal his secrets and then have half a heart attack as a result.

“No, because there’s something like free will, and not everyone meets their soulmate and some people claim they’ve got multiple soulmates.” Okay, Zayn really was too passionate about this topic, and they were too many stops away from where Liam had to get off for him to wanting to deepen this even further. “And some people-“

“Okay, okay, you’ve done your research.” Liam quickly interrupted, a little afraid of what was to come if he was being honest. “I just don’t think it’s that interesting.”

“But you can’t show me your mark because it’s on your ass?” Honestly, Liam wasn’t too amused, but he still forced himself to laugh for a moment.

“Maybe.” He joked, hoping that they would talk about something else now, because sooner or later other questions would pop up that Liam really did not know how to answer. 

He let Zayn go on about it for another moment before slowly trying to stir the conversation away from that and rather to Louis and Harry and Zayn’s art because that was more relevant anyways, and at least something he was also passionate about.

There was one thing Liam wondered about still, something he would have liked to ask, and that was about Niall. Specifically, why Niall and Liam seemed to be on the same page when it came to soulmate talk, maybe that was why Liam had been trying to find him online, or noticed that he hadn’t been at work in a while. It was rare that he met someone with the same opinions on the topic, so yeah, Liam was a little curious and maybe slightly desperate, not as unbothered by it as he pretended most of the time.

Then again, it didn’t seem like he’d see Niall again any time soon or as if the other boy would even want to talk about it, so whatever.

\---------------

“You know, if you were actually lying about buying a picture from Zayn then you’re gonna need a really good excuse in a second because he’s kinda excited.” Liam still thought that all of this was strange, but both Harry and Louis seemed as if they were being serious about it. Harry still looked slightly wary, but why wouldn’t he? 

“We are being serious, I think it’d be really cool. And we’ve been to way too many malls and websites and this wall is just ugly.” At least they all agreed on that.

“What if he paints something and you hate it?” Honestly, Liam had long started doubting that this had been a good idea, because he was kinda in the middle here, he just hadn’t thought that any of them were being serious. But now he was here, at Louis’ and Harry’s place, and they were waiting for Zayn to show up. “I mean, it’s not like a contract or whatever, but… “

“Judging from what he sent us, he’s kinda good, so I’m not worried.” Louis sounded very confident, but Harry just shrugged when Liam looked at him, all of a sudden starting to get nervous even though it actually had nothing to do with him at all. He didn’t even have to be here if he thought about it. Then again… what else would he have been doing?

“So you will handle it if it turns out he’s actually not good?” Harry seemed hopeful, and Liam almost had to laugh but it also got him worried at the same time. He would still have to keep working with Zayn after all this. 

“’course. But it’ll be fine, babe, don’t worry.” Louis was being awfully positive about this, but maybe it was just coming from all the stress they’ve had the last two months trying to get settled into this apartment and Liam knew that Louis just wanted to be done with it. They were soulmates, but they certainly did not agree on every little thing, far from it. “And he’s Liam’s friend.”

“I mean… not really.” They were just coworkers at most, and yeah they had hung out that one time and Zayn sometimes dropped him off at home but that was it really. “He’s alright.”

“I thought you went to the cinema and for drinks and he’s asked to see your soul mark and-“

“Yeah, but we’re coworkers. Everyone there acts like friends.” Liam shrugged, actually not wanting to get into it again, although there was one thing he felt like he needed to warn his friends about. “But now that you mentioned that… he might be really interested in you guys’ relationship, just to warn you.”

“Understandable, who wouldn’t be?” Louis joked as he got up with his empty glass in one hand, leaning down to kiss Harry on the cheek when the other boy rolled his eyes. It seemed Louis really was the only one excited for Zayn to arrive, because the longer Liam thought about it, more things could go wrong than he had initially thought. 

It was a Friday night, so Liam was actually surprised that neither he nor Zayn had to work. Also, a few years ago he might have felt as if he should have gone out or something, but the only good thing that came with getting older was that most people Liam knew finally started to enjoy staying in as much as he always had to begin with. Now instead they were discussing interior design and art.

Louis had told Zayn how to get to his place in the group-chat, so it was a real surprise to Liam that he did actually end up ringing the bell at around the time they had agreed on without needing any further directions. Louis and Harry lived in a big building, and the elevator was _constantly_ occupied, so Zayn kinda needed ages to reach the front door and by that time Liam had already convinced himself that it was all going to go wrong.

He didn’t immediately get up when Zayn arrived, only slowly followed Harry after Louis had gone to let Zayn in, so Liam was more than just surprised to hear another voice as well. 

“- Niall. I hope it’s okay I brought him and didn’t ask, I kinda forgot the time a bit and he lives ages away.” It was Zayn explaining, and Liam actually stopped for just a moment before walking around the corner.

“No, problem at all. Hi, I’m Louis.” He introduced himself to Niall, and Liam watched them shake hands, and then Harry did the same while he remained a bit in the background, even more uncertain about why he was here. To be fair, Louis had asked him to come, but like… it seemed a bit unnecessary now.

“Hi, Liam.” Zayn greeted Liam first, and Liam said hello back, his eyes shifting from Zayn to Niall, who looked a lot happier this time than the last that Liam had seen him when they had gone to the cinema. Which honestly felt like ages ago, especially because he hadn’t even seen Niall just briefly at work or something.

It didn’t feel weird, because Louis and Harry were really good at talking to people even if they didn’t know them and despite the fact that they never really had anyone except Liam and a few other friends over. Hearing Zayn and Louis talk almost made Liam question again whether he had made the right choice introducing them because what if they hit it right off? Kind of a selfish way to think really, but how was Liam supposed to not consider these things?

They very quickly started talking about the wall that seemed to pose a problem, and Zayn had definitely come prepared, which seemed to be a big surprise to everyone except Niall. Speaking of him, he spent the first couple minutes hyping Zayn up but retracting to just sitting down once he seemed to have realized that it wasn’t even necessary because now both Harry and Louis were fully on board. Or at least were really good at pretending that they were.

“How’d your exams go?” Liam felt weird just sitting there with Niall in the living room, with everyone else over in the other room wildly discussing designs and whatnot.

“Huh? Oh… I didn’t take them.” Niall shrugged, playing with his phone but not actually looking at it. 

“Why?” This was confusing, maybe a bit insensitive, but Liam truly hadn’t thought about it before speaking.

“I felt unprepared and I didn’t wanna fail. And we had family over so I couldn’t study a lot.” Didn’t seem like it bothered him, although Liam could relate painfully much. 

“Do you live with your parents?” Liam had never asked this, he had assumed Niall had moved out but actually, he just seemed to know way too much about Zayn and nothing about Niall.

“Sometimes. My uncle owns an apartment that’s closer to uni and he’s not renting it out, so I switch between that place and my parents’. I don’t wanna be alone all the time.” Now Liam could relate even more. 

“I get that.” He quickly told the other boy, and Niall nodded before leaning back, staring out of the window although it was pitch black and he could probably only see his own reflection. “I thought you quit your job or something.”

“No, I just took a few vacation days… and now I gotta take more once I actually do take those exams.” Niall laughed although it didn’t sound too amused, but it kinda mixed with the laughter coming from the other room. 

“Better than actually failing them.” Liam had too much experience with that. “There’s like 50 exams I wish I hadn’t taken unprepared.”

“But at least you didn’t chicken out, I just prepare for them and freak out for weeks and then I just deregister. It’s stupid but I can’t stop doing it.” That did sound frustrating, however, Liam was also sometimes frustrated by his own exam taking experience, so there was that. “I don’t really care anymore though, I’ve already taken way too long, might as well take a little bit longer.”

“I’ve tried telling myself the same thing but I’m still freaking out over it all the time.” Not now though when there was someone the same age who could kinda relate, but surely once Liam failed the next exam and felt as if he was running out of time or something. Not quite sure for what though. 

There was another moment of silence, and Liam heard a few sentence fragments, something that told him that they had definitely arrived at the topic of soulmate bonds. And just in time, Niall got up off the couch. “Do you think I can go on the balcony? I kinda need some air.”

“Sure.” Honestly, Liam didn’t think that Louis and Harry would mind, and he also clearly wasn’t thinking when he just went over to the balcony door himself to open it for Niall, apparently not being able to take a hint. Then again, the other boy never said anything about it, simply stepped out into the cold night air.

For a second, Liam wasn’t sure if he should’ve left or not, but he also didn’t wanna join the other three or awkwardly sit in the living room, so he quickly decided that if Niall wanted to be alone, he needed to actually speak up or wait until he was back at home.

“They smoke?” Niall asked, nodding to some cigarette buds Louis must’ve left in the ashtray outside. 

“Louis does. Occasionally.” He used to have been a lot worse at it, but Harry had kinda been forcing him to quit that habit slowly. “Do you?”

“I used to, but only for social things. Zayn’s the worst.” The constant breaks he needed at work were proof of that, so Liam just nodded, not surprised. “They seem to really hit it off in there.”

“Louis kinda hits it off with everyone.” And Harry along with him, but then they also did really well on their own and Liam could only dream about ever leading such a balanced lifestyle. 

It was really cold outside, and Liam only had a shirt on, but he also didn’t just wanna randomly wander off back inside and make it weird. Also, he was aware that he was probably overthinking this, but he was a little desperate to continue the conversation when Niall simply stuck to nodding.

“I think they’re gonna relive their whole relationship with him, it’ll be a long night.” A really bad joke, and actually neither of them laughed and Liam kinda wanted to die a little bit right now.

“Probably.” Okay, so Niall wanted Liam to shut up, or… ? “He’s gonna tell me everything once we’re back in his car.”

“You can just say you don’t wanna hear it.” He had had no problem saying that about the film they had watched, right?

Niall shrugged, which Liam only saw because he happened to be looking over right at this moment. His fingers already felt dead from the cold, and the view wasn’t that pretty either, but Niall didn’t even budge or make any attempts to go back inside, so Liam decided to just take his shot. Plus, the coldness was making his brain a little slow, as a poor excuse.

“Why do you not like talking about soulmates?” Badly worded, 0/10, but Liam couldn’t take it back.

“Why don’t you?” Was all that came back, which was very fair.

“I don’t think it’s that interesting and I don’t wanna waste my whole life trying to find someone who is supposed to complete me or something.” At least that was what Liam had conditioned himself to say whenever anybody asked. 

Niall didn’t say anything, he also didn’t turn to look at Liam and it was really dark out, so it was very hard to read his facial expressions, especially because Liam wasn’t the best at it to begin with anyways. “I’ve tried telling myself the same thing, like, I tried not to care.”

“Like me with the exams.” Liam tried to make the situation a bit less serious, but it didn’t quite seem to work. “No, but, I mean, a lot of people wanna find their soulmate, it’s normal. I think. It’s normal that you do care or that you wanna search for them like Zayn, a ton of people are, there’s a reason there’s so many soulmate apps and websites and stuff.”

“Yeah.” Niall didn’t seem to care and honestly, Liam couldn’t even be mad, when exactly had he turned into an advocate for promoting these things? “I don’t have to search anymore though.”

“What do you mean?” Wait, what? “I thought you said you’re not in a relationship.”

“I’m not. But I already met my soulmate years ago.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, if you still remember me, i'm back! :)
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this first chapter, and i BET you all thought niall and liam would be soulmates (or not but i like to pretend i'm good at surprises rip)! i hope the concept is clear, i will of course address it further in the fic as it is kinda a really important part of the plot. i also gotta say ive read maybe 2 soulmate fics years ago, so im really just making it all up and writing it however it fits my story best, i hope you're gonna enjoy :)
> 
> im also sorry for being gone for so long, i started my masters programme this semester without having received the last grade needed for my bachelors degree and ive still gotta hit one more deadline or it was all for nothing so it was a very stressful and hectic time and im sorry! but im back, and i will try my hardest to update like i always did, once a week! im not sure if i will stick to mondays, i might move it back to fridays like i used to, we will see!
> 
> i hope you guys are all doing well and i hope you enjoyed this first chapter, i love you guys & thank you for all your support in the past <3 im grateful for any kudo/comment/suggestion as always :) have a great week!!!


	2. Chapter 2

“But didn’t you- wait, what?“ Liam had literally never felt this confused in his entire life. Or maybe he had, but it still came like quite a shock, especially with the kinda voice Niall spoke, as if it didn’t even matter and he even shrugged, never taking his gaze off of whatever he was staring at in the distance. Probably not much though because it was dark as hell. “But didn’t Zayn say something about-“

“It’s complicated.” Niall interrupted, and while Liam already had his mouth open yet again, he quickly continued. “I don’t really wanna talk about it.”

“Oh. Okay. Yeah, sorry, I didn’t wanna-“

“It’s fine.” The other boy cut him off again, clearing his throat a bit and now Liam did not only feel really bad but he was also so curious that he felt he might explode any second if he didn’t immediately know what Niall was thinking about.

“I’m sorry.” No idea for what, maybe that his soulmate had rejected him, if that was even possible, maybe that they couldn’t be together, maybe… maybe that they had died. Like, who even knew? Then again, if something that tragic had happened, Zayn would’ve been more sensitive around Niall, right? Unless…. Did he even know? But he had to, because why would Niall tell Liam and not Zayn?

“I’ll live. As you said, it’s stupid spending your whole life thinking you’re not complete without your soulmate. Or that you can’t be happy.” While saying this, Niall sounded anything but happy and Liam almost pointed it out, but he bit his tongue instead. “I just wish I could feel this way all the time as well.”

“I mean… “ Was Liam really about to say the truth right now, just because he felt sorry for Niall all of a sudden? “Sometimes I don’t feel this way either. But it’s more because everyone else always wants to talk about it… and because obviously Harry and Louis are living it right in front of me.”

“Zayn is gonna be awful once he finds his soulmate.” Most possibly, now Liam felt even worse for Niall. “Maybe once you find yours you’re gonna change your mind too.”

“I, uh… “ Yeah, about that… “I don’t really- I don’t think so.” 

“I think everyone thinks that and then… “ Niall made some movement with his hand, and Liam was so, SO, close to just saying it, but he didn’t really get that far. 

“Yeah, but I, like- I can’t really find my sou-“

“Aren’t you guys freezing out here? What’re you doing?” Harry sounded really confused and Liam flinched upon hearing his voice, immediately snapping back into reality and realizing what he had almost just said. Not like it would have really mattered, but it would’ve led to more questions and he didn’t even know Niall that well.

“Nothing, we just needed some air. But I’m getting cold anyways.” Liam took the chance to slip back inside with one more glance at Niall, not liking how this conversation had ended, but there was nothing he could’ve done to change that. 

There was some more small-talk between all of them, because apparently the other three had gotten done talking about that wall and Zayn’s art or whatever, Liam couldn’t really focus anymore now. It was a problem he had, like knowing there was some kinda secret but not knowing what it was, and yeah, he was well aware that it was absolutely none of his business at all, but then why did Niall have to speak up about it anyways? 

It was quite pathetic that Liam wanted to relate to someone, an almost stranger, so badly that he was freaking out like that. Only on the inside though, because it would’ve been humiliating to let it show. Plus, Niall seemed completely unbothered by their conversation anyways and he never even really said goodbye to Liam when he and Zayn left a couple minutes later.

“I feel like this might really turn out pretty cool.” Louis sounded so excited once the others were gone that Liam didn’t know what to say, so he just nodded, trying to smile. God damn it, he shouldn’t have followed Niall out on the balcony, he shouldn’t have ever even cared about his soulmate story anyways, it was stupid. 

“I was a little worried at first, but he seems really interested and he had good ideas.” Harry agreed, and Liam just nodded again even though he hadn’t even been present for any of their conversation in the other room. “His friend was a bit weird.”

“What, Niall?” Liam blurted out immediately, realizing his mistake right away, but luckily the other two seemed to have not noticed. “Why do you think he’s weird?”

“Don’t know, he didn’t really talk a lot, just kept saying how amazing Zayn is and then he just walked off. What were you doing on the balcony anyways?” Great question, suddenly Liam had to go home.

“Nothing. He said he needed some air, I though it would’ve been weird to leave him out there by himself.” Not that Niall needing air when it was this cold hadn’t already been weird enough but whatever. It was the smallest mystery about him.

“Maybe. He also works at that restaurant, right?” Liam just nodded to that, thinking that lately it didn’t seem like he did, but he bit his tongue yet again. It didn’t matter, all of this was just pointless to even think about. Sadly, it was Liam’s thing to overthink absolutely anything, so there was that.

Liam declined Louis’ offer to drive him home tonight, because he kinda wanted to take the bus anyways and it also gave him some more time to think. Which he could’ve also done at home, but not with the pressure of feeling like he should’ve been doing other things instead, like study or attempt homework or clean. 

He really needed to forget about Niall and whatever the hell had happened to his soulmate because it really did not matter. Liam had completely different problems, and he had his own life to worry about, so whatever.

\---------------------

Even when Niall came back to work, he and Liam never seemed to have the same shifts and it got to a point where it was almost comical. Like those days where Niall would literally clog out the moment Liam arrived and they’d exchange a few words. Or that ONE time their shifts overlapped for like 2 hours and there was so much to do that Liam only said hello to Niall upon arriving.

But the worst part about it all was how much Liam noticed, because he sure as hell couldn’t recall who else he had his shifts with, except Zayn, but he was always there. 

It seemed like a great idea to use all of that to his own benefit and try to just forget about Niall altogether, and just focus on other things, but the more Liam wanted to actively distract himself, the worse it seemed to get. And he had no fucking idea why. 

So naturally, desperate times called for desperate measures, and Liam hated himself more than anything that moment he hit send on that message to Niall after having spent literally an hour trying to come up with the right thing to say. And then it still seemed really fucking stupid and it was a lie on top of it all.

_To Niall 22:34  
Hi, this is liam. could you maybe send me the work schedule for next week? I think I left mine at work but I don’t work anymore this week :/_

Truth was, Liam had already written down every shift he had to work in his calendar, and he only had Niall’s number because Zayn had added him in some group chat of everyone working at the restaurant almost as soon as they had met. Also, it made no sense at all for Liam to be texting Niall, when he talked a lot more to Zayn, but that was only because they had no shifts together and… anyways, if Niall ever asked, Liam would just lie some more.

A perfect way to start a friendship, right?

There was no answer, and Liam told himself that that was because it was late and because not everyone was on their phone all the time and anyways, maybe Niall didn’t have the schedule with him, wherever he was.

So Liam tried doing homework instead because it was piling up at this point in the semester, but then again, when was it not? He was also currently ignoring a few messages from people at uni he was working on a presentation with because they still had TWO months to do this and he couldn’t be bothered to already start working on it, and also another message from Louis about his work that Liam didn’t wanna respond to right now.

So in short, he had no right at all to be mad that Niall was ignoring him when he was doing the exact same thing to other people.

It was an uneventful night, and frankly, Liam was really tired, so he ended up going to sleep an hour later, waking up at least twice during the night because it suddenly started raining and he hadn’t fully closed his window. So that was great.

In the morning, Liam had forgotten all about Niall for about two seconds before he blindly searched for his phone to turn off his alarm, his eyes needing a while to adjust to the light of his screen. Among three messages from Louis, two from people at uni and one from his sister, Liam only opened the one from Niall.

_Niall 1:45  
Here you go :)_

He had sent a picture of the work schedule at 2 in the morning, and Liam didn’t know why he cared, but he couldn’t help wondering what Niall had been doing for so long. Also, the picture of the work schedule sheet was kinda blurry and Liam almost couldn’t even find his own name, not that he had really needed it, but whatever. He also tried checking Niall’s schedule because why not, but he literally couldn’t find him there. So why had he even taken it home then?

_To Niall 7:34  
thank you!! are you taking another week off?_

It was none of Liam’s business, but he had already hit send and seeing as Niall had been up for so long, he probably wouldn’t reply for a really long time anyways. Enough for Liam to lose his goddamn mind in the meantime. 

Since he was running late as always, Liam kinda had to skip breakfast and head straight off to uni, just about making it to class in time. His uni schedule was awful, but maybe he was just being whiny about it like about everything else lately. He also had two hours between two of his classes today and it would’ve taken him at least 40 minutes to get home, so he was forced to stay at uni, buying food and playing on his phone instead of doing the recommended reading.

Half an hour or so passed by and Liam was almost so bored that he considered going to the library, but decided not to last second. Thank fucking god because he had never even been there and he had gone to a different university up until this semester so he would have surely gotten lost on the way anyways.

Once watching YouTube videos got boring, Liam just resorted to watching people walking past even if it was creepy, but he had enough practice to make it look random. At least he liked to think so. But maybe that was why he didn’t really register looking at Niall before the other boy was already halfway gone.

It was more than embarrassing, how fucking quickly Liam shoved his stuff into his backpack to catch up with Niall, trying to make it look all casual as he tapped him on the shoulder but probably scaring the crap out of him. “Hi.”

“Wh- oh. Hi.” Niall seemed quite shocked, also a little scared maybe, but Liam was too busy thinking about how much he hated himself in this moment to really notice. “Why are you so out of breath?”

“I was just- I’m- I don’t know.” Liam tried to laugh it off, which only made him look like an idiot and also they were standing in the middle of the hallway with people walking around them. “Sorry, I didn’t wanna scare you.”

“You didn’t, it’s fine.” Niall shrugged, now having gone over to looking so extremely neutral that Liam couldn’t tell if he was annoyed or not. “Uh, sorry I didn’t answer your text by the way, I kinda forgot.”

“It’s okay, I forgot as well.” Liam lied immediately, hating himself more with every second. What was wrong with him? He was never like this, he sucked at being social and making new friends and now he was running after Niall like a lost puppy or something, it was disgusting. “I didn’t know you go to this uni.”

“I told you I did, right after we met.” At least he could laugh about it now while Liam’s cheek got a bit hot. “And you told me it’s your first semester here.”

“Right, yeah. Sorry.” Okay, this conversation only consisted of Liam apologizing for things he didn’t even feel sorry for. “Anyways, I just wanted to say hi.”

“Okay.” Niall laughed again, readjusting his bag and Liam thought he was just going to walk off like that. “Are you going home?”

“No, I’ve got a class in like… an hour and a half or something.” Way too fucking long in the future considering Liam didn’t even wanna go to that class but sadly it required attendance. “You?”

“I gotta be somewhere in like 2 hours, so I can’t go home because I’d be there for like half an hour before I’d have to leave again.” So did that mean… “What were you gonna do before your class? Are you meeting up with friends or something?”

“Uh, I don’t really know anyone at uni, you already met both of my friends.” Liam joked, hoping that Niall thought he wasn’t being serious. “I was just gonna… wait. I guess.”

“Okay.” Niall nodded to himself, not saying anything though, also not walking away, and Liam realized that it was up to him now to open his damn mouth and say something, even if he really didn’t know how because he also wasn’t sure if Niall wanted to.

“I mean, you can, like, wait with me if- if you want. I wouldn’t mind.” God, Liam hated his inability to correctly express himself sometimes, but it was what it was.

“Alright.” The other boy agreed while shrugging, not sounding too excited but also not too annoyed so Liam just ended up being confused again. What was it with Niall that constantly left him with so many questions he never ended up asking?

There weren’t a lot of free places to sit because apparently everyone was waiting for something or having to work on stuff, but Liam couldn’t even think about that because he suddenly felt crushed with the fear of not having anything at all to talk about with Niall. Of course, that fear led to him not being able to think of just one single thing. Except one, but that was kinda creepy, but it was also his only option, so… 

“Did you take another week off of work?” Liam repeated his last text message after they had been quiet for a few seconds and it had been about to get weird.

“Yeah, I mean, I only work two days a week anyways so it’s not like I took massive time off, I just still got vacation days and the year is almost over.” Actually there were still two months left, but Liam nodded as if he got it. “Did you think I quit again?”

“I mean, I would’ve definitely understood if you did.” He laughed and Niall smirked and it was stupid that Liam felt a bit relieved but whatever. All of this was stupid.

“No, you know, it could be a lot worse, I don’t think the job is that bad.” Niall shrugged again, leaning back in his chair. “I think you’ll get used to it over time.”

“I hope I will.” Not sure though, the late hours were definitely kind of taking a toll on Liam, like, he wasn’t the most motivated to do uni work anyways, but starting this job had only made it worse. “Did you already see the painting Zayn started for Harry and Louis?”

“Yeah, he’s been sending me updates every couple days, he’s really enjoying himself it seems… they do really wanna buy it, right? It’s not like a joke?” Now Niall sounded concerned, which Liam understood because neither him nor Zayn knew the other two very well.

“No, they definitely will, they’re excited. At least Louis is, I think Harry wouldn’t have minded just leaving the wall blank. He thinks the apartment is already too cluttered. Minimalism or something.” Liam shrugged because he didn’t wanna get involved and he also hated giving his opinion whenever they asked him about decoration or whatever. 

“I think it’s really stressful to decorate a new place… I mean, I’ve never really done it, my uncle’s place was already done and I only changed a few things, so I guess I’m not one to talk. And I’m not staying there forever anyways.” There were lots of people around them, so they had to kinda talk a bit more loudly in order to understand each other.

“Yeah, I’ve spent the last few years in a dorm and now I’m back home, so I didn’t have to really think about that either. But eventually… “ Eventually he’d have enough money and a normal job and even though the thought was making Liam a little nervous because he also wasn’t sure how he’d do on his own, but like… did he have a choice? Not really. “Probably helps if you don’t have to do it by yourself.”

“Probably.” Niall agreed before looking away from Liam and it was obvious that they were now thinking the same thing. Maybe that was why Niall simply got up without another word. “I’ll be right back, I need the bathroom.”

So then he was gone for at least 5 minutes that Liam spent hating himself and trying to come up with something interesting to talk about, which only resulted in him kinda losing his mind a little. Why was this so difficult? Why did he care so damn much about what Niall thought of him, what they talked about? They weren’t even friends, they just so happened to work in the same place and both have some kinda problem with the one thing everyone else seemed obsessed with. 

Well… and Liam kinda liked Niall, and he was a little desperate to be his friend even though he had no idea why because that never really happened to him.

Once Niall was back, they kept up their small talk for a little longer, and most people around them left, so when Liam had finally built up enough confidence to steer the conversation into a different direction, it didn’t quite make him feel as paranoid anymore that anybody might have been listening in or something.

“You know, actually, I was thinking, because of when we were at Harry’s and Louis’ place… “ He started, waiting a bit to allow Niall to interject if he wanted to, but the other boy just stayed quiet so Liam continued staring at his own hands. “And like, what we were talking about and- and I said that I didn’t think things would change if I met my soulmate… “

“Yeah?” Niall didn’t sound as curious as Liam felt the other way around, so maybe he should have just shut up.

“I was just gonna say that, I can’t really- I can’t meet my soulmate. Like, ever.” There it was, now it was Niall’s turn to reveal something about himself in return, right?

Or maybe not. “Why?”

“It’s… a long story.” But also not really, Liam just didn’t feel like getting into it, he had just brought it up in hopes that Niall would tell him his own secret. Maybe he was a little hoping they had more in common than it seemed. “I just wanted to tell you because I felt bad when you said what you said and- I mean, it’s not the same, but I can kinda relate. A bit.”

Niall didn’t answer immediately, which already made Liam feel as if he had overstepped a line, but when he finally convinced himself to look up, Niall only seemed deep in thoughts if anything. And then he just seemed to blurt out with it. “Were you born without a soulmate mark?”

“No.” Liam answered immediately, and it wasn’t a lie or anything, but suddenly he was really afraid of continuing this conversation. And it was only fair he asked a question in return, right? “Do you know who your soulmate is?”

“No.” Oh. So now that kinda destroyed all of Liam’s theories. 

“Okay, we don’t have to talk about it, I just wanted to say I kinda get how you feel.” Or maybe not, maybe it was completely different, maybe it was a lot worse than what Liam had gone through.

Niall just nodded, not looking at Liam anymore, and then he took a deep breath, rubbing his hands over his face before crossing his arms in front of his chest, eyes straight on the table between them as he spoke. “It’s not that big of a deal. Years ago when I was still in high school, I came home and my mark had changed color, like it was glowing a bit, you know what I mean- anyways, and it felt like all the things you apparently feel once you’ve met your soulmate. So I must’ve met mine that day and neither of us noticed. Like, maybe we just bumped into each other or- I don’t know. But it’s never changed back, just like it wouldn’t for anyone whose met their soulmate. That’s all.” 

“Wait, but… is that even possible? Aren’t you supposed to feel _something_ once you see them or talk to them or whatever?” At least that’s what everyone said, that’s what science said, and obviously there had to be exceptions but it seemed weird to Liam.

“Yeah, but I didn’t. I don’t even remember bumping into anybody or looking at someone for too long, like yeah, I was out all day like going to school and taking the train and stuff, but… there was no one new that I met. I thought maybe it was a mistake, I googled it all night, I was scared to tell anybody and I really hoped that I’d meet my soulmate the following days, but it just never happened.” Niall sounded as if he was about to cry, so now Liam felt like a real asshole for having asked. 

“But that doesn’t mean you can never meet them again, right?” Well obviously it didn’t, but it clearly wasn’t making the situation any better.

“I don’t know, I spent so many nights trying to find someone who was in the same situation, and I found maybe three people in some weird forums online who had similar experiences and I think they just never dated anybody, so it’s like… doesn’t sound so great, you know?” Not at all. “The thing is though, everyone who would ever see my mark will think I HAVE a soulmate, and it also feels like I do, in some weird kinda way, as if I’m missing someone, but I don’t know who. I don’t know if that makes any sense.”

“Kind of.” Liam lied, because he had never felt this way in his life. He had just liked the general idea once, of finding his soulmate and spending the rest of their lives together, but… he had long known he had needed to give up on that. For multiple reasons, but mostly because of his own stupid teenage self. 

“So why can’t you meet yours?” Niall’s change of topic came a bit abrupt, and Liam hadn’t at all been ready for it, but now he felt he was kinda obliged to tell the other boy. 

“I broke the bond.” Whatever, might as well just say it, even though Liam had never really said it out loud before, but no one had ever asked. Except Louis, but they had been friends for ages, so it was different. “I was in love with a girl in school, when we were 15 or something, and we weren’t soulmates, but long story short, uh, we dated and then she met her soulmate and dumped me and shortly after Louis met Harry and kinda ditched me for a bit- it was all slightly too much. I was really melodramatic and pissed off and- well.”

“That’s awful.” Niall looked more shocked than Liam would have expected, but he had also never had to watch anyone react to the story except Louis so there was that. Nobody else knew, mainly because of the very question that Niall asked next, leaning forward, kinda whispering a bit. “How did you- how did you do it?”

There was a moment where Liam was about to shrug it off and just tell Niall, but when he already had his mouth open, it suddenly hit him that Niall was asking for a very specific reason. And not because he was just curious. He was asking for himself.

“I don’t think I should tell you that.” Liam told him straight out, all of a sudden feeling really weird in this conversation, like… just a bit ago they had bonded over both hating soulmates, and now it turned out that Niall had just basically been pretending and trying to convince himself that he did because he was actually just really hurt, missing a person he had never even met. Well… maybe Liam could relate to that a bit better than he wanted to believe. “It’s not normal to-“

“Who cares? What happened to me isn’t normal either.” Fair enough, only now Niall was getting desperate and Liam felt a bit overwhelmed. He had long stopped looking at the time, hell, his class might have already been over for all he knew. 

“Did you ever go see a doctor or something? Maybe it’s genetics or-“

“I don’t wanna know, it wouldn’t change anything.” Also true, but it suddenly seemed as if he would start bawling any second, so Liam kept his mouth shut, just watched the other boy moving around in his chair, rubbing the back of his head as if he was nervous to keep on talking. “When you talked about why you don’t believe in soulmates and why you think it all sucks, you said exactly what I’ve been trying to tell myself for years. And I know you can only truly feel this way because you broke the bond, but I- I wish I could not care as well.”

“It’s not that I don’t care, I’m just incapable of ever feeling the way that the majority of people will feel once they meet their soulmate. So it’s like pointless for me to focus on anything except my own life.” Sounded smart and everything, but what choice did Liam really have in the end? “I do regret it sometimes, I used to regret it a lot more in the past, but I’ve kinda gotten over it. Most days, at least. And if I was given a choice… I’d go back and change it.”

“But would you wanna trade with me?” Niall asked it so boldly that Liam didn’t know what to say, he just opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Because no, he didn’t wanna trade, but then again, maybe.

“At least you have a chance of still meeting your soulmate again.” A slim chance, especially because who even knew why whatever had happened, had happened, but Liam was trying to talk Niall out of ruining his life as well.

“I’m pretty sure I won’t. I’d rather just take it into my own hands and finally stop feeling this way.” The exact same things that had crossed Liam’s mind years ago, for different reasons though. “I think it’s awful, this whole concept, and you experienced the downsides of it first hand and- now you’re free. And you can be with whoever you wanna be with, whoever you like.”

“Except I can’t because most people just wanna date their soulmate.” At least once they got a bit older, but Liam was already 24 so it was like… he WAS already a bit older. “Look, I get what you’re saying, I’m not pretending I know how you feel, but I also think you shouldn’t jump the gun on this. It’s like, you can do it any day, why do it now? Maybe you’ll meet your soulmate again tomorrow or in a year or-“

“Or never. And I might have lived a really happy life focusing on myself and finding someone in a similar situation without being held back and terrorized by this fucking mark on my body that I never even asked for.” Okay, now he was getting angry, Liam was clearly doing an awful job. But that was mostly because he could relate to Niall and he really got it, but also… he couldn’t be the reason Niall did this. “How did you do it?”

“I’m pretty sure you can google how to do it.” Liam wouldn’t tell him, no fucking way, he was not gonna be the reason Niall ruined his life. “Which doesn’t mean you should. You can google almost anything, but just because some people do it-“

“I already googled it. And there’s too many ways and some of them don’t work for everyone and- just give me a hint.” What the hell?

“Niall, I won’t tell you.” Liam said it while looking straight into the other boy’s eyes, trying to sound firm, but Niall just looked upset if anything. Okay, so this friendship in the making or whatever, had really taken a weird turn very quickly. “You need to talk to somebody if you feel this bad.”

“I’m talking to you right now.” He was getting really pissed off, Liam could tell and he didn’t know how to change it. “And you’re studying psychology, right? So it kinda counts.”

“I’m- that’s not how this works. I meant talking to a professional.” There were specialists for that, and hotlines you could call, and online chatrooms and whatnot. 

“Did you ever feel the need to do that?” Great, Niall just knew how to trap Liam in, didn’t he?

“No. But it doesn’t mean-“

“So maybe you breaking the bond was a blessing in disguise, and the people who don’t do it are actually the ones whose lives are kinda awful because it’s all they focus on. They’re trapped.” Liam should have never said anything, he regretted it so much it almost made him wanna roll his eyes into the back of his head. 

“It’s not all they focus on. It’s just something most people experience, that’s all. And I made a mistake when I was a teenager and I will have to pay for it forever, but it doesn’t mean you should make the same mistake as an easy way out of a shitty situation.” A little harsh, and Liam wanted to take it back, but then again, Niall had needed to hear it.

“It’s not a shitty _situation_. It’s my life.” And then, before Liam could answer, Niall was already cutting him off. “So you’re saying it was easy?”

“It was anything but easy. It would’ve been even harder if I had already met my soulmate.” Or at least that’s what he thought, he really just wanted to scare Niall off. “I won’t tell you how I did it, no matter how much you beg me.”

“Fine.” Niall crossed his arms in front of his chest, leaning back, looking like an upset child for a second. Other than an upset child though, he could just walk off. So that’s what he did.

Liam thought about stopping him when he put on his jacket and got his bag, but he couldn’t think of anything to say and then he was already staring at Niall’s back until he disappeared down the stairs, leaving Liam all to himself with the weirdest feeling ever in his stomach.

Well, so much about making a new friend. 

\------------------------

Liam didn’t really feel like telling anyone about this conversation, and he also didn’t see a reason to either. Plus, he and Niall almost never worked with each other anyways so it was as if it had basically never happened. Except that one time they did have a shift together because something got switched around, but they both pretended the other person didn’t exist.

Which was stupid, and childish, and Liam felt bad and he still liked Niall as a person and he still had this strange urge to go apologize so they could maybe try and be friends. Realistically though, that wasn’t going to work out, not even if it kept Liam from sleeping the following two weeks and he fucking didn’t even know why. 

Maybe he should’ve talked to Zayn, make him aware how much it must’ve pained Niall to talk about soulmates all the time, but it really wasn’t his place to say anything. Actually, none of this was Liam’s business, and they weren’t even friends, so it would’ve been best to just move on. Only… how?

“- and then I had to give them all extra homework, which I felt kinda bad about but it’s like, I’m the teacher, they misbehaved, what am I supposed to do?” Louis’ story was so long that Liam had zoned out two minutes in, almost having fallen asleep twice.

“Right.” He had put his friend on speaker so he wouldn’t have to hold his phone the entire time and could actually lie down. 

“But now jokes on me because I have to grade all that homework and you know what? They actually did a really good job and it’s a little frustrating, I mean, obviously I want them to do well because it’s a reflection of my teaching skills and I care about these kids-“

“Mhm.”

“-but now that makes the whole argument I had pointless because I told them not to speak during class all the time because they wouldn’t understand what I was explaining but now it turns out they’re already great at it, and they know things I didn’t even teach them yet.” He sounded frustrated, and Liam was too, but he didn’t know what to reply to that. 

“That sucks.” Was all Liam said in the end, like, not to be insensitive or anything, but it was 10 at night and they had been on the phone for an hour because Harry was gone on an overnight work trip or whatever, and Liam had already declined sleeping over at their place when Louis had asked.

“I mean, good for them, that means they’re really advanced and smart. But what am I supposed to do now? They obviously don’t need to listen to me explain anything. And I tried telling them it disturbs everyone else when they talk and that they need to care about their classmates and they just said okay and _apologized_. Like… I was clearly in the wrong here.” Did Louis even want Liam’s input at this point?

“Just apologize to them.” Seriously. “But be firm. But not unfair.”

“That’s easier said than done, Li.” Okay, so he didn’t want his input. “The other day… “

And then the story continued, and turned into something completely different, and by the time they finally moved on, another half an hour had probably passed, Liam was too lazy to check, he already had allowed his eyes to fall closed quite a while ago. 

“Zayn finished the painting by the way. Did he already tell you? He was really fast, but it looks great.” That was new to Liam, but also… he didn’t care all too much. 

“He didn’t tell me, no. You gotta send me a picture once it’s up and everything.” Maybe it already was, Liam felt slightly out of the loop but he also hadn’t really shown any interest so it was whatever. “Or do you already have it?”

“No, we’ll meet up this weekend, I think. Zayn’s really busy, he’s got some art show or whatever and he has a really weird schedule at this restaurant.” No need to tell Liam that, but he just nodded to himself anyways, kinda relieved that Louis hadn’t asked him to come as well. Then again, what for? “Are you still thinking about quitting? We never talked about that again.”

“No, it’s alright, I mean I don’t enjoy the late hours, but I kinda feel like I’d hate any other job just as much. It’s just me.” Liam laughed although he wasn’t that amused because it was the truth and they both knew it. 

“But at least you’re kinda friends with some of the people there. Like Zayn and Niall.” Right. 

“I wouldn’t call us friends, but… “ They had spent exactly one time together at the cinema and some weird bar, and well… Niall and Liam had spent another hour together that could definitely not be counted as a friendly encounter, so yeah. “I guess.”

“You always sound so unenthusiastic.” Louis said it as if he didn’t know Liam for way too long, had experienced too many ups and downs to last a lifetime. 

“I am.” Liam admitted, now rolling around in bed because he had started to feel uncomfortable in the position he had been in. God, this day had been way too fucking long. “But it’s alright, it could be a lot worse.”

“I don’t know if that’s supposed to be the goal.” Probably not, but Liam was actually just happy that even though his life felt boring at the moment, at least he was feeling rather neutral in general. Most of the time. “How’s uni?”

“Boring.” It was the truth, why lie? “I do enjoy some seminars but we’re not really doing much. Maybe that means at least the exams will be easy.”

“I’ll be praying for you.” Louis sounded amused, but then he luckily switched the topic because Liam didn’t feel like talking about himself anymore anyways. 

They talked for another hour before Liam just had to tell Louis that he was getting tired even though he felt slightly bad because it was always very obvious that his friend wasn’t doing so well on his own ever since he had met Harry. And for some reason, that made Liam think of Niall, of how he possibly felt every single day and night missing his soulmate without even knowing who or where they were. It wasn’t bad for people who hadn’t met their soulmates yet, they just lived normal lives, but apparently once they met, had been activated so to say, they’d always feel a certain pull towards their other half.

In Niall’s case though, Liam had no idea what it meant, or how he felt exactly, but it seemed to be pretty bad. So now he couldn’t stop thinking about it anymore.

They hadn’t talked at all since their conversation at uni, and Liam had tried to forget about it, but now standing in the bathroom brushing his teeth before going to lie in bed with the lights turned off, he just knew he wouldn’t find any rest. 

So he did what he had promised himself he wasn’t going to do.

_To Niall 23:58  
I just wanted to say im sorry about our conversation & im sorry about being so nosy. I didn’t want to upset you and I also wasn’t trying to patronize you or tell you how to feel, I was just surprised by it all and it know its my fault because I brought it up first. I really am sorry & if you need someone to talk to then you can text me whenever_

He wasn’t going to text, Liam knew it but he still felt the need to put it there before mentally preparing himself to be ignored for at least a few days before probably receiving the shortest answer possible and it all resulting in them only greeting each other briefly at work.  
Or maybe Niall would simply never answer, it honestly wouldn’t have surprised Liam either.

\--------------------

Two days passed without Niall doing as much as texting “okay”, and Liam really regretted having apologized to him because it hadn’t all been his fault, like, Niall was the one who had practically demanded that Liam told him how he had broken his soulmate bond, and he had also been the one who had simply walked away as if they were teenagers. So why was Liam still left feeling bad and wishing they could work this out?

Maybe because it was the first time ever that Liam had met someone whose past was so different from his and yet more similar than anybody else’s.

“Liam, can you take this table? I’m afraid I will punch that man in the face if I go back.” One of the other waiters looked as if she was about to cry, so Liam just agreed, honestly having stopped caring if he needed to start arguing with customers whenever they got so mean and ridiculous that he just couldn’t hold back anymore. No one had ever told him off for it, so whatever.

There wasn’t a lot going on at the restaurant, so it was only the two of them and now Liam was doing every table while his co-worker probably went to calm down in the bathroom or something. It happened quite a lot lately.

The man at the table he had been sent to wasn’t THAT rude, but maybe Liam just didn’t care enough, he was just counting down the minutes until he could go home. Didn’t help that there were still 4 hours left on that damned clock across the entire restaurant until his shift was over. Thank fucking god he wasn’t working until closing tonight.

Lost in thoughts, Liam started re-cleaning already empty tables, got someone another sparkling water and gave recommendations he had made up on the spot because he didn’t usually eat at the restaurant. Except dessert. 

Needless to say, he was really surprised when he heard his name, and someone tapping him on the shoulder out of nowhere. It might not have been so strange considering he was required to wear a name tag, but usually customers didn’t behave this way.

“Huh?” Liam flinched, immediately spinning around and almost knocking Niall in the head with a few menus he had been holding. “Oh.”

“Hi.” Niall sounded as if this was normal, as if they not only were on friendly terms, but also as if their conversation had never even happened. As if he wasn’t ignoring Liam’s text as well.

“Hi?” Liam tried, taking a step back and quickly throwing a look over Niall’s shoulder to make sure no one was paying attention to them. They were standing far enough away from the customers and the kitchen though, so really nothing spoke against them having a chat. Except the obvious. “Are you… working tonight?”

“No. “ Niall shrugged, now looking away from Liam as if he was nervous, and honestly, he should have been because what the hell was even going through his head? “I, uh, I just knew that you’re working tonight.”

“Okay?” Okay, so what? He had come all this way just for Liam? And why exactly did Liam already feel flattered, ready to forgive Niall on the spot?

“I’m sorry I didn’t answer your text, I- I didn’t know what to say.” It seemed hard for him to admit, but then he also sounded as if he had thought really hard about what to say right now. “You didn’t have to apologize.”

“I am sorry though.” Truly, and Liam would have loved to talk it out right now, but he was constantly anxious that he would miss one of the customers waving him over. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m sorry as well.” Niall must have noticed that Liam was distracted, because he was speaking a bit faster now, suddenly opening his backpack that he had been carrying. “I brought you this in case you get hungry in your break.”

“We work in a restaurant.” Liam reminded him without thinking, having to laugh though and Niall joined for just a second, the tension becoming a bit less obvious.

“Yeah, I know, but like, for dessert or something, uh, or you can also take it home.” He handed Liam a plastic container that definitely had cake in it, and honestly, Liam didn’t know what the hell to say right now. “My relatives from Ireland made it while they were visiting. It’s got whiskey in it, just as a warning.”

“Oh. Thank you, I- am I gonna get drunk from it?” It was a joke, but Niall did seem to think about it for a moment.

“Maybe it’s better if you eat it at home.” He decided, sounding all serious, so Liam should have probably taken his advice by heart. “It’s also, uh, an apology.”

“You didn’t have to.” But he had, and honestly, Liam had wanted an apology if he was being honest, so there it was. So now he really couldn’t be upset with Niall anymore. “But I really appreciate it. Also you coming all the way just to give it to me and everything.”

“Yeah, no problem… how long are you working today?” 

They talked for a bit until Liam had to go serve some customers, and he honestly expected Niall to leave while he put the cake in the fridge that they were allowed to use, but Niall had simply gone over to chat with one of the cooks in the back. Right, he knew everyone here, no one was gonna say anything about him just hanging out.

“Zayn finished his painting for Louis and Harry. Did they already show you?” Before Liam could have even answered, Niall was already shoving his phone in his face and it felt a little bit as if Niall was just trying to make conversation for anything in the world right now.

“Yeah, they showed me, it looks really great, he’s really talented.” Seriously though, it definitely looked professional, but Liam wasn’t an art critic, so… “I think he’s dropping it off tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah… and then he’s making me go to this art show he’s participating in.” Niall didn’t sound too excited over it, which kinda surprised Liam because he was always hyping up Zayn’s work. 

“That sounds really cool though, did he like, paint something for it and everything?” Maybe Zayn would eventually have his break-through, who knew? At least he was excited about something, even if it was just a hobby for now.

“Yeah, but it’s like, everyone from his uni class contributed something and I don’t know anyone except Zayn, so.” He shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets and Liam kinda felt like he should have said something, as if Niall was expecting him to speak up or whatever. So naturally, he said the first thing that came to his mind, as stupid as it was.

“I’d come but sadly, I wasn’t invited.” It was a joke, obviously, because why would Zayn have invited him, and Liam even laughed to showcase that, but Niall didn’t seem to quite get it.

“I’ll invite you right now. It’s a public art gallery.” Niall sounded so excited that Liam didn’t really know how to react, because what?

“But I can’t just-“

“Sure, Zayn would love if you came. And I wouldn’t be alone when he talks to his mates from uni. So you’re coming, yeah?” Wait-

“I mean- maybe we should ask Zayn first.” Did Liam even wanna go to an art gallery?! Also, hadn’t Niall just only gotten done ignoring him after stomping off a couple days ago, like a toddler throwing a fit?!

“I’ll text him right now.” Niall already had his phone out, and Liam wanted to stay because this was all going a bit too quickly for him, but he kinda had to work here, so he was forced to leave Niall standing there a second later, not being able to really concentrate on anyone right now.

It got busy really quickly at the restaurant, so when Liam finally was able to go on break, Niall was long gone, he had waved at Liam across the restaurant before walking out, and though Liam felt disappointment in the pit of his stomach, it was all good once he saw that Niall had texted him.

_Niall 18:08  
Sorry I had to leave & I didn’t wanna distract you from work. Btw zayn said hed love if you came to the art gallery and I would too :)_

So… apparently now Liam had to pretend to like art?

\---------------------

The really weird thing was, Niall didn’t text Liam anymore after Liam had agreed, obviously stuck thinking about it the rest of the night, and then also the next morning. He received a couple of messages from Louis showing him that painting Zayn must’ve already dropped off, and then out of nowhere a text from Niall telling him when to be where. Had he really asked Zayn if it was alright or had that been a lie?

Either way, it was Saturday, and Liam had nothing better to do than to go to that art gallery. Plus, as much as he absolutely did not care about art, he kinda really cared about seeing Niall again, even if he tried to tell himself that he didn’t. He was just being friendly, that was all.

Niall was already waiting when Liam arrived, luckily also dressed completely normally, because right before walking out of the door, Liam had started doubting his outfit choice. And pretty much everything else that had happened these past couple weeks.

“Hi. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve never been here before.” They were meeting in a part of the city Liam didn’t usually go to, in front of some shop, and Liam assumed it was because Niall hadn’t known how to describe the way to him. 

“The gallery is hard to find, so I thought it’s better if we meet up here. We’re a bit late, I texted you the wrong time.” Great. “Thanks for coming.”

“Thanks for inviting me.” And then, because Liam just HAD to ask. “… did you really ask Zayn if it was okay?”

“Of course I did.” Niall sounded really honest, but maybe a bit TOO serious. Whatever, what was the worst that could’ve happened? “We should probably go, it’s a 5 minute walk from here.”

So that’s what they did, walking a bit faster than normally and with each minute passing, Liam regretted having agreed to come more. On the other hand, seeing as much Niall suddenly seemed to have to say to him and the fact that they almost acted like casual friends, maybe he didn’t regret it just as much. 

It was a really small art gallery, on the first floor of a pretty high building, and apparently it was free because nobody stopped them from simply entering. There were a few people looking around, which was a relief, but Niall seemed to know where he was going, making a beeline across all the rooms, ignoring every piece of art on the wall until they finally almost ran into Zayn and what must’ve been his classmates.

“Oh, hi, guys!” Okay, so he wasn’t surprised to see Liam, that was a start. “I wasn’t sure if you were still coming, where’ve you been? I had no idea you were so interested in art, Liam. Niall said you really wanted to come.”

“I mean… ‘course.” Liam cleared his throat, sharing a look with Niall, who just shrugged before going to hug his friend. “Louis and Harry are really happy with the painting you did. I saw it, it looks really good.”

“Are they? I wasn’t sure if they were just being nice when I dropped it off this morning.” Maybe, who knew with these two? “Oh, I gotta introduce you guys.”

Good thing Liam was so great at remembering names (not), because now he had to learn around 8 new ones within two seconds. Niall also seemed to have never met any of these people, and he did stay close to Liam, which was a relief. At least Liam coming here had had a purpose after all, and if only to make Niall feel a bit more comfortable. 

They didn’t have to do much smalltalk, which was nice, and after some more visitors had come over, Zayn talked about one of his paintings on the wall for a good 15 minutes while Liam struggled to see anything at all of the things he described. Apparently, he was the only one though, because everyone else was just nodding with a really impressed expression. Except Niall. 

It went on like that, other people of Zayn’s class talking about their own works, moving so slowly across the room that Liam started daydreaming about sitting down for just two seconds. 

“I’m going to the bathroom.” Niall whispered after a good hour had passed, and they were already all the way in the back, so no one would have probably noticed.

“I’m coming.” Liam answered automatically, simply walking with the other boy because god, he couldn’t have thought of a worse way to spend his Saturday. But he didn’t wanna be rude or whatever, so he kept quiet as they searched for the bathroom, telling Niall that he’d wait for him outside because he didn’t actually have to go use it.

Being alone in one of the rooms with paintings everywhere on the walls, Liam just started walking around, trying to make sense of them, reading the artists’ notes, hoping to get excited but it didn’t work so well. Eventually, he just stopped in front of one of the paintings that gave off pretty dark vibes, mostly reds and black, with some really disturbing faces hidden in between the color splashes. The title read _Lost souls_, which… was kinda ironic, really.

“I like this one.” Niall had returned quietly, making Liam flinch a little as he stood next to him all of a sudden. 

“I think it’s quite disturbing really.” Liam was being honest, he couldn’t make sense of any of these art pieces, maybe he just wasn’t looking at them the right way.

“I suppose that’s what the artist wants you to feel. I think it tells a story.” He reached out, pointing to the left upper corner, and Liam tried to understand, but he didn’t. “See, the face is quite normal in the beginning and it just gets darker and darker. And weirder.”

“And you like that?” Liam was genuinely curious, he wasn’t mocking Niall or anything, but the other boy just simply shrugged anyways.

“I just think whoever painted it was probably going through some stuff as well. I feel bad.” Alright, at least that was something Liam could kinda relate to. KINDA. “I bet Zayn could tell us 10 million different interpretations.”

“Probably. I’m not sure I’d wanna hear them though.” Better be honest, before Niall would ask him to come and explain it to them or something.

“Me neither.” Thank god. “I didn’t see anything they were pointing to in their paintings, they all looked the same.”

“Damn it, and you wanted to become an art critic so badly, huh?” That made Niall laugh, quietly, but it had definitely been there and Liam felt his stomach grow a bit warmer. “No, but… I didn’t see anything either. I think we just don’t know enough about art in general.”

They both just ended up staring at the painting, and it was kinda dead quiet because the walls seemed to be almost sound proof. Liam thought about a million things to say, but ended up saying nothing at all. He didn’t know why they were really here, or why Niall had wanted to come, why he had wanted Liam to come so badly after having been so mad at him that he had simply stormed off.

“Did you like the cake?” Niall asked out of nowhere, and Liam told him yes, even though he hadn’t tried it yet, had kinda forgotten about it as soon as he gotten home with it last night. “I… I feel like we should talk about what happened.”

“We don’t have to.” Seriously, they both knew how the other felt, and why the situation had escalated and in all honesty, Liam felt a bit uncomfortable thinking about Niall trying to get him to tell him again.

“I just feel really bad, I’ve had a bad day and- it was really unexpected, what you told me. And then I don’t know why I didn’t just shut up, like… this is gonna sound really awful.” He was keeping his eyes straight ahead when Liam turned his head in confusion.

“What is?” Was he supposed to be scared right now?

“When you told me, like… I kinda- I did feel bad for you, I just also, like- I felt kinda hopeful. And a bit relieved.” Niall sounded guilty while admitting it, but honestly, Liam got it.

“I felt the same when I realized we were kinda on the same page about the topic. You don’t have to feel bad for me, it was my own decision after all. You’ve got way more reason to be upset.” A hundred reasons, but if Liam got into it then he’d probably eventually cave and offer his help to Niall.

“I still overreacted and then I didn’t wanna text you because I was embarrassed and I made it all weird. So I thought… I thought if we saw each other outside of work maybe we could make it not awkward anymore.” So that had been the sole purpose of him asking Liam to come here? “But don’t tell Zayn please, I did wanna see his art, but not this badly. And, uh… he doesn’t really know, like, how I feel about my soulmate situation. I always joke about it and now everyone thinks it doesn’t bother me anymore and that it means they can joke about it as well.”

“I know what that feels like.” Liam nodded to himself, still staring at this weird painting in front of them, feeling a strange kind of connection with Niall, even though it was based on quite awful experiences and memories. “Everything could change for you pretty much any day. You know that, right?”

“What if I’m really tired of waiting for that day, though? Like, I know it’s dramatic and a lot of people probably feel this way, only I don’t know them and it also doesn’t make me feel any better.” He shrugged, a little helplessly and god, Liam already felt himself caving.

“Did you tell anybody except me that you were thinking about breaking the bond?” Liam decided to flat out ask, because he didn’t want sole responsibility for this. He didn’t get his wish.

“No. I wasn’t sure if it really worked. Until you told me.” Great.

“I don’t wanna be the reason you mess up the rest of your life when even just a few days from now everything could have changed for the better.” Seriously, after Liam had done what he had done, he had finally realized that also. Except, it had been too late. 

“It’s already messed up. I just wish-“

“Guys, what are you doing?” Zayn had come to interrupt them, making them both flinch, and Liam felt his cheeks getting hot, Niall’s face probably mirroring his.

“We couldn’t find the bathroom. And this painting is really good.” Niall pointed to it with his thumb, his whole expression and even voice having changed now that Zayn was here. “Do you know what it means or who painted it?”

The other boy came a bit closer to look at the painting himself, and then looked back at his friend. “I’ve seen it before, yeah. The person who painted it was born without a soulmate mark, most of their work looks this dark. They were trying to showcase what it’s like to spend life without the chance of finding their other half, like, how they’re slowly going insane.”

“Oh.” Was all Niall said, and Liam watched his expression change a little, crumbling just a bit, but he kept it together in front of Zayn. “Okay, thanks. We’ll be right back, I just wanna look at the other paintings in here real quick.”

“Alright, take your time.” Zayn left them alone once more, and Liam waited until he was gone, until he was sure that he couldn’t hear them anymore before he opened his mouth.

“Niall.” He started, trying to get the other’s attention, because he wasn’t quite sure what Niall was looking at right now, he seemed a bit zoned out. “It’s just a painting, it’s just-“

“Do you wanna see a really cool place?” Niall interrupted, suddenly sounding excited, as if the past few minutes hadn’t even happened. 

“Niall- wait, what?” Liam had no choice but to follow when the other boy simply started walking away, back to the entrance, apparently having long forgotten about Zayn and Liam’s head was spinning trying to keep up with both his pace and his thought processing. What was even going on with this kid?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!!! sorry this is kinda late, i was trying my hardest to finish editing earlier, im sorry!
> 
> thank you for all the support on the first chapter so far, i was really happy to see so many if you seemed to enjoy it :D i hope you enjoyed this chapter as well!!! this fic was supposed to take a completely different direction (as every fic ive ever written it seems) but now im just kinda going with it, its quite exciting haha!
> 
> let me know your thoughts if you want <3 have a great week!!


	3. Chapter 3

“Wait, where are you going?! What about Zayn?“ Liam was so confused, he didn’t even think while already following the other boy, still stuck thinking about what Zayn had told them literally one minute ago. And all of a sudden Niall was super excited and completely ignorant of what had just happened. “Niall? What’s going on?”

“I wanna show you something.” Was all that came back, no comment about Zayn or the randomness of this situation, nothing. As if this was completely normal.

“What do you wanna show me?” Seriously? And NOW? 

Liam didn’t know what else to say, he threw a look over his shoulder as they left the building, feeling bad for Zayn but he also wasn’t really doing much to stop Niall. The truth was, he was a little relieved that they were leaving, but they should have probably told Zayn, not be so damn rude. But it was too late for that now anyways, and Niall seemed to not have a single care in the world.

He was walking rather quickly though, as if he either wanted to get away from the art gallery as fast as possible, or simply wanted to arrive earlier to wherever they were going to. And Liam had no idea where because he was never in this part of the city, mostly because he wasn’t that adventurous and didn’t go out so often, but whatever.

Niall made them cross the street, neither of them saying another word and with every step, Liam’s confusion grew and he had to admit he was starting to become a little afraid. Not of Niall per se, but rather of his impulsivity and his quick change of mood. He was completely refusing to acknowledge their conversation, and the kinda dark mood he had been in, only to replace it with whatever was going on now. Trying to figure him out would’ve probably only given Liam a headache. 

They walked down another street, and took a few turns, and their silence wasn’t too weird because there were a lot of cars driving past next to them making a hell lot of noise. Liam only really recognized where they were when they were already kinda standing in front of it and he remembered having been here a few times as a child, but that was ages in the past of course.

“The aquarium?” He asked with a pulled up eyebrow, but Niall only nodded, simply entering so Liam followed, now intrigued to find out what was really going on, when Niall would finally talk to him again and explain. 

Honestly, Liam didn’t really feel like paying entrance fee right now, but before he could have even really thought about it, the girl sitting at the counter waved at them. 

Or at Niall more like. “Hi, Nialler.” 

“Hi. Can you turn around for a second so we can pretend you didn’t see us go in?” He was clearly joking, they both laughed and Liam’s mind had turned into a huge question mark at this point. 

“It’s fine, I’m alone today and our security cameras have been turned off for weeks. Hi.” She directed the last part at Liam, and he quickly greeted her back, trying to force a smile. “Have fun.”

“Thanks.” Niall threw a look back at Liam before walking past her, as if to make sure he was following and obviously he was because this was just getting too strange for him to not care. “I used to work here.”

“Oh.” Was all Liam said, because alright, at least that made sense, if nothing else did. “Why did you quit?”

“The pay is really bad and it didn’t work out with my uni schedule.” He shrugged, apparently knowing his way around really well, which… made sense, considering what he had just said. But Liam was still not sure what they were doing here.

They left out most of the rooms, and actually just ended up taking a hell lot of stairs, and when they arrived where Niall seemed to have been planning on taking Liam, he had to admit that he was definitely impressed. He had been here as a kid, but they had done renovations and added animals, so this room was completely knew to Liam, the entire wall, the floor and also the ceiling making up the water tank, almost making him feel anxious for a moment.

“Wow.” Was all Liam said, looking up and around, going up closer to the wall even though he was already close enough to see all the fish, even sharks, pretty much surrounding them. No one else was in here, so that kinda made it even more special, although the reason they were here still remained a mystery to him.

“Pretty cool, huh?” Niall walked over to sit on one of the benches right next to the glass wall, so Liam followed him without thinking. It was kinda dark in here due to the lack of lightening, but he could still see Niall pretty well. 

“Extremely cool.” Liam nodded, somehow not even being able to look away and around once they had sat down. It didn’t make him forget that they weren’t supposed to be here though. “What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?” Was he being serious?

Niall wasn’t looking at him, he was looking at the fish swimming around, completely unbothered by Liam’s stare as it seemed.

“Shouldn’t we tell Zayn where we went?” Liam tried it this way, if they couldn’t talk about anything else, and Niall seemed to think about it before taking out his phone, typing something before putting it right back into his pocket.

“Done.” Was all he said, and Liam had so much more to say but then he decided to just close his mouth and sit in silence, see how long it would last.

The other boy didn’t turn his head just one time, and Liam tried not to stare at him, but he still caught himself a few times, eventually moving a bit so he could lean against the frame of the glass tank, make it a bit less obvious maybe. It was dead quiet in here except a humming noise in the background, from the machines or something, and the silence wasn’t actually uncomfortable, even though it lasted for at least 5 minutes before Niall was the one to break it. 

“I was afraid I’d start crying if we had stayed and maybe gone through another 30 paintings with similar meanings.” Liam had kinda figured that out himself by now, so he just nodded along, feeling bad for Niall but at the same time not being able to do anything about. After all, the painting could’ve also related to him. “Zayn’s gonna understand.”

“Did you tell him the truth?” It didn’t surprise Liam when Niall shook his head, he seemed to have never told Zayn how much this whole topic was bothering him, otherwise his friend would have surely never said what he had. “Why are you not telling him how all of this makes you feel?”

“He wouldn’t get it, and then he’d feel bad for every time we talked about it, and all the jokes we made. And I don’t want people to pity me, I already pity myself enough, I just wanna be normal. You get it, that’s why I told you how I really feel.” He shrugged, putting his finger against the glass, watching a small fish follow it when he moved it slowly. “I really liked working here.”

“Was it even better than the restaurant?” Liam joked, for now ignoring what else Niall had said because it was obvious he didn’t wanna talk about it anymore. 

“I don’t think that’s possible.” Niall laughed shortly, but then he sighed. “At least at the restaurant there’s always something to do and people to get upset over, so I’ve got less time to think about other things. And we get tipped.”

“Well… sometimes.” Rarely. “Maybe I’m just not nice enough.”

“You’re trying to be too nice to some customers. You go over to their tables too often.” Okay, so now Niall was giving him critique?

“Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?” Liam tried to laugh, but seriously?

“We almost never work together.” Fair enough. “And I can’t just text you telling you what to change.”

“You could.” He could have texted Liam anything, but Liam bit his tongue instead of saying that.

“It’d be rude.” Niall shrugged, obviously not taking this conversation serious, so Liam was left wondering whether he really did go over to the tables too often. “Can I ask you something?”

“Depends.” Liam answered slowly, and he thought he saw the corners of Niall’s mouth twitching, probably thinking the same as Liam right now. 

“It’s… maybe a bit intrusive.” Okay, that didn’t sound good, but Liam stayed quiet, waiting for Niall to build enough courage to ask. Or maybe he just hadn’t known how to word it correctly. “What, uh… what happened to your mark when you broke the bond, is it, like- is it still there?”

Liam had to take a deep breath hearing this question, but he figured after a moment that there was no way he’d ever manage to make Niall stop wondering about this when he himself had considered the option so many times. Plus, if he had REALLY wanted to do it, Liam couldn’t have stopped him. No one could have, just like nobody had stopped Liam either.

“It’s just a scar, you can’t tell what it looked like anymore now.” The truth, but Liam wasn’t going into details on purpose, because he was okay answering questions as long as Niall wasn’t obviously asking for himself. 

“Do you think your soulmate felt it when you did it?” A good question, one Liam had asked himself many times. Of course he had looked that stuff up online, but the answers had been inconclusive, and eventually, he had given up on trying to find them. 

“I’ve no idea. I used to be obsessed with it all after, I read way too many articles and studies and even some books, but in the end I realized that I was spending even more time thinking about it all than before breaking the bond. Which was pointless because I will never meet my soulmate now, I don’t have one, so I forced myself to move on and I still struggle sometimes because so many people _love_ talking about it, but it’s like… there’s no point. I’ll live, and maybe one day I’ll find someone I wanna be with, I don’t know.” It’s not like it was THAT rare that people never met their soulmate, or that they were born without a mark altogether, but still rare enough that Liam had never met anyone like that. 

Niall didn’t answer immediately, was probably processing it, and Liam kinda regretted having made it sound so positive almost, as if he was completely fine and unbothered when that wasn’t the case at all. “What would you do if you were me?”

Okay, THAT question surprised Liam even more, and he had already opened his mouth to answer before closing it again to gather his thoughts, wanting to choose his words carefully now because maybe he could actually help Niall somehow.

“I’d wait. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s like, you can’t undo this, you know? I can’t tell you how you’ll feel after, I didn’t feel any different than before, maybe because my mark was never activated, maybe because god knows why. It’s a really painful thing to do and you can’t go back, and you might end up unhappier than before.” All of this was truly what Liam thought, but he did also understand that he couldn’t quite understand Niall’s situation either, at least not fully.

“Why was it painful? Physically or mentally?” Niall still didn’t sound too put off by the idea, so what was Liam going to do about it? He had tried.

“Both.” Mostly physically, because mentally it had passed rather quickly, but if Liam went into detail, he might have as well given Niall a full recap of that night. 

“Have you ever dated anybody, since… you know?” This had turned into a Q&A, but it was fine, Liam didn’t mind it, if it made Niall feel better, why not?

“No. Have you?” Was this okay to ask? Niall at least didn’t even bat an eye, but he had also not looked at Liam for the entirety of the conversation.

“No, never.” Niall shrugged and Liam couldn’t say he was surprised. “I don’t see the point. I’ve never liked anyone enough and even if I did, they’d leave me as soon as they met their soulmate.”

“I mean… “ What was Liam supposed to say? It was true, it was how the world around them worked. At least for the majority of people. “Some people don’t meet theirs.”

“So I’m supposed to just hope and play poker with my feelings?” He didn’t sound upset or anything, but it still made Liam realize how stupid he had just sounded. The truth was, he couldn’t tell Niall anything positive at all because he completely got how he felt. “Anyways, this is a really dark conversation, maybe we should talk about something else.”

“Like what?” Liam couldn’t think about anything else right now, his whole mind was a mess and he couldn’t have named these emotions he was going through even if he had tried. 

“Like, I don’t know. About our hobbies or something.” Niall laughed, as if he actually thought this was ridiculous, and it kinda was. 

“What are your hobbies?” Liam felt as if he was in primary school trying to make a new friend, and he kinda _was_ trying to make a friend, except they were adults who had just snuck into an aquarium and Niall only wanted distraction. 

“I mean, I guess the restaurant kind of is. I like making music, and I like writing, on my blog and stuff, but it’s like… it’s just for me.” He quickly added the last part, probably afraid Liam would ask but he hadn’t planned on doing that because he could very well imagine what was going on there. “So that’s about it. You?”

So Liam tried his best to come up with something, just like on his first day of school where everyone had said the same things and yet his heart had still been beating fast whenever it had been his turn to speak up. He told Niall how he honestly wasn’t sure because sometimes it felt as if he was going through his interests and hobbies way too fast because he always lost interest and picked up something else, for a short while at least.

Saying it out loud made him sound as if he didn’t really have it together, but it was too late, and at least by the end of it, Niall finally looked at him, leaning his head against the glass of the fish tank.

“I’m a little glad I’m not the only one who’s a mess.” He had said it so seriously that Liam almost felt offended, almost wanted to get mad, because who the hell said that? But then he looked at Niall for a little bit longer and suddenly decided that he was honestly a little glad as well. 

\----------------

Zayn was understandably confused by what they had done, and he did text Liam in the evening to ask where the hell they had gone because apparently Niall hadn’t really given him a lot of explanation, so Liam tried his best to somehow apologize without giving away too much. He probably failed quite terribly at it. 

He also texted Niall for a bit, but the other boy stopped replying once it got later and Liam told himself he had probably gone to bed or something. But then Niall didn’t reply the next day, or the day after, or the day after that. And when he did finally text, it was a short message, leaving out half the stuff Liam had said, only to disappear again the moment Liam answered after debating with himself whether he should have waited or not. 

They also didn’t have any shifts together (not a surprise though), and Zayn had become a bit distant since that day, so Liam was actually not having a great time, at all, and he had no one to talk to really because he didn’t even wanna acknowledge just how much it bothered him. 

“So you’re coming, right? And you’re gonna dress up, yeah?” Louis was way too into his Halloween party, and usually Liam was as well, so he tried to pretend.

“I’ll come, I don’t know if I’ll dress up.” He admitted, because the last thing he wanted to do was try to find a costume or use these fake latex wounds again that would made his skin break out like last year. Good memories. 

“You _have_ to, Li, it’ll be the first party in my own apartment, it’s like a house warming party.” While talking, Louis was shoving food into his mouth and it was a little gross so Liam focused on his own plate. 

“You’ve lived there for months now, and I’ve visited like 12 t-“

“That’s not the point.” His friend interrupted him, finally swallowing. “But don’t bring anything.”

“Why not?” He’d bring something for sure, he’d feel way too bad if he didn’t. 

“Because. I don’t want you to. But you can help me decorate, if you want.” The look on his face made it obvious that Liam didn’t have a choice with that one. 

“Is Harry not helping?” Not a surprise, he hated Halloween as far Liam knew. 

“He would, but he would hate it. And I’m already having a party he doesn’t wanna have, I don’t wanna ask too much of him. Then again… I also don’t say anything when he’s hosting his wine drinking nights and his friends kinda make me paranoid that I’ve accumulated so much bad karma in my life that I’m gonna spend the next thousand years having to re-incarnate on this earth to fix it.” Louis shook his head, the expression on his face all serious when he took a sip of water. 

“Do you believe in that?” Liam did sometimes, whenever his own life was getting a bit out of hand and he needed reasons to believe that there actually were, well, _reasons_. 

“After five glasses of wine I’ll believe anything these people say.” Fair enough. “But then they also agree that the earth won’t exist for that long anymore either, so maybe I’m not doomed after all. I’ll probably mess up somewhere on another planet or something.”

“I’ll keep you in my prayers.” Liam promised and Louis rolled his eyes, but at least he returned the smile for a second. 

There was a moment of silence where they both just ate, and then Louis kinda caught Liam off guard a little bit. “So what’s been going on with you?”

“Nothing, why?” Liam immediately answered without even thinking about it, but he felt his cheeks getting hot. Thank god this restaurant was dark or he would’ve given himself right away. 

“You take entire days to answer my messages and you never talk about yourself, we only ever talk about my problems and when I wanna complain to someone. Sorry by the way.” Liam shrugged the last part off, they were friends, it was natural that they talked about their problems. Or maybe not.

“Maybe I have no problems.” A lie. He had too many to know where to even start explaining because Louis was so out of the loop and Liam’s mind felt like a bomb had exploded in there.

“So everything’s going great? Uni? Work?” Liam nodded to that, even though he felt bad but it was kind of an automatic reaction. “I don’t believe you.”

“You don’t have to.” Liam wasn’t going to try and convince him, because he didn’t wanna lie straight to Louis’ face, so now he was getting nervous about certain things coming up he hadn’t been prepared to talk about tonight. Especially not in person. “Is it really so strange that things are going alright for me?”

Louis didn’t say anything, he just kept his eyes on Liam, staring at him so intensely that it got uncomfortable and Liam quickly looked down on his place to take a bite, but his friend was still looking at him after. “I’m not Harry or his friends but if they were here right now they would say your aura is very small.”

“That makes no se-“

“Okay, maybe I mixed something up.” Louis interrupted, and Liam was just confused, but he had no chance to ask. “What I mean is you don’t look like you’re alright. And it doesn’t feel like you are.”

“I’ve been better.” Liam admitted after a moment of thinking about it, and Louis already had his mouth open again so Liam sighed, knowing he’d have to give his friend _something_. So he gave him the one thing he was hoping would prevent further questions. “I, uh- I talked to Niall, about soulmates and stuff and… I told him my own experience and what I did and- and it was an intense conversation and I’ve just been thinking about a lot of stuff lately.”

“Oh.” It seemed Louis had not expected this at all, but Liam didn’t wanna really look at him too much right now, so he just kept on eating in an attempt to get over his embarrassment. “How did that happen? Unless you don’t wanna talk about it.”

“No, it’s fine. I think. Umm… I don’t know if I’m allowed to tell you but you don’t even know him really, so it’s like- he’s met his soulmate. Except he hasn’t, like he just came home one day and his mark was activated, but he doesn’t remember meeting anybody. And since then he’s feeling as if he’s missing his soulmate, but he doesn’t know who it is and… he asked me, like, how I broke my bond. And… we kinda had an argument because I didn’t wanna tell him. But we talked it out.” Had they though? Because it seemed as if Niall gave literally 0 fucks about Liam. “Zayn can’t know about this, if you still talk to him.”

“Okay, wow, that’s- not what I expected at all. I won’t tell Zayn obviously, we maybe text every couple days, so… “ They did?! “And he has zero clue who it might be?”

“Yeah.” Liam confirmed, shrugging because it was actually none of their business. “He feels awful so he thinks breaking the bond might make him feel better.”

“It probably would. I mean, not that I can speak from experience or anything, but I always thought, like, if something ever happened to Harry or if he- you know. I’d do the same, why live with that pain of loss? It’d hurt enough without the bond.” Now Liam was the one surprised, because he had had no idea Louis had ever thought about these things. But it made sense of course, in his situation.

“But Niall’s soulmate is most possibly alive, and probably even lives somewhere around here, so it’s like… he could meet her any day.” Liam got the frustration of course, but looking at it from his point of view, he still felt the responsibility to talk Niall out of it.

“Why’d you say that?” Wait, was Louis upset?

“What? Why would his soulmate have died or-“

“No, why’d you say _her_. It could be anybody.” Oh.

“Yeah, sorry, I just- I assumed, I wasn’t really thinking.” Liam shrugged, feeling bad now because he usually wasn’t this careless with his words when it came to topics like that. “I mean… most soulmates do bond with people from the opposite gender. At least that’s what the media and everyone makes it look like.”

“I don’t believe that’s true, they probably made up these statistics. A lot of people are still afraid to be with their soulmate because they’re scared of judgement, so they think they wanna broadcast it to the world? I just read something last week of a girl breaking her bond because her parents told her she’d be disowned if she dated another girl. Then again, it also happens to people who are just dating normally. Always reminds me how privileged I am that I never had to go through something like that.” He looked guilty about it, and Liam wanted to say something, but just like always when it came to this topic, he kept his mouth shut. “So you and Niall are friends now?”

“He’s, like, ignoring me for days before texting back, so… I don’t think we are.” The abrupt switch of topic threw Liam off a little, because he was still stuck thinking about other things they had just talked about. 

“Maybe he’s really busy.” Maybe, Liam just shrugged, trying his best to not look too beaten down about it. 

“It’s whatever. I’m really not good at making friends, I’m used to it anyways.” He laughed, just to get over it, but Louis didn’t really join, so Liam just felt awkward. Great. 

“But you like him?” Okay, why were Liam’s cheeks burning again at that question?

“Sure. He’s cool.” Actually, it was the last word Liam would have used to describe Niall, but he couldn’t think of anything else right now, and suddenly he wanted to change the topic as quickly as humanly possible. “We’re eating dessert tonight, right?”

So Louis allowed him to move on, but Liam was aware that he wasn’t going to just let it go like that, that there would be consequences to this conversation. And Liam didn’t have to wait very long for them because two hours later, when he was already at home attempting to clean his bedroom before going to bed, he got a text from his friend that made him feel a little dizzy. 

_Louis 22:04  
You really don’t have to answer this, but I if you wanna talk about whatever is going on with niall then we definitely can_

For a second, Liam froze in the middle of his room, thinking about whether Louis was implying anything in this text, because it did kinda feel this way. A little bit. 

The truth was, Liam had liked guys in the past, but he had also liked girls, so he had never really had to think about it like maybe Louis had when he had been younger and hadn’t come out to anyone yet. Liam had wanted to ask his friend a hundred questions about it, just to see if he could relate, but he had never done it, had never even done as much as dropped a hint. And actually, if he remembered correctly, he had once even almost started an argument when Louis had casually asked whether Liam had looked after some guy on the streets.

It's not that Liam was afraid of telling Louis, hell, he was the LAST person who would have judged him, but it was like, it had always been Louis’ thing, in a weird way, and Liam didn’t wanna seem like he was just trying to relate or whatever, make it a joke or something because maybe he wasn’t into guys _enough_ so that it counted? Plus, he honestly didn’t know if he was really into guys and then of course he had never been with one, so what was the point of telling anybody about it when he was single anyways?

It had definitely crossed his mind though, like involving Niall and his slight obsession with him, at least internally, but Liam didn’t think he could’ve brought himself to say it out loud to anybody. 

So OF COURSE, he had to completely ruin it for himself, as always.

_To Louis 22:06  
It’s fine, thank you. I just thought we could be friends, but I don’t care that much. our convo about soulmates just made me think_

After pressing send, Liam wanted to literally toss his phone across the room and be mad at himself, but instead, he just lied awake for way too long being annoyed with himself. These situations had happened way too often in the past, and it probably hadn’t been the last time either. 

\---------------

“This looks so good. Babe, look how good it looks.” Louis was super excited about the decoration they had put up, and Harry had shown them moral support by sitting there and watching them, smiling at his boyfriend.

“It looks really good, Lou.” He was probably lying, but Louis didn’t seem to care, and Liam didn’t either because he had already had two shots. Half the people that were invited were Louis’ colleagues he had never met before, so he needed a bit of courage tonight so he wouldn’t end up not talking to anybody. Then again, who cared? “Why didn’t you guys dress up?”

“Liam said he wouldn’t, and I didn’t wanna be the only one. And you didn’t wanna do a partner costume, remember?” Thank GOD for that.

“They were all ugly as hell. We would’ve never worn them again.” Harry was laughing though and Liam felt a bit out of place for a second, but it’s not like he didn’t know them for ages so he was used to it anyways. 

“That’s not the point when it’s Halloween, we- shit, I forgot something.” Louis then half ran off into the other room and Harry rolled his eyes at Liam, but in a playful way, and Liam just shrugged, eating some more of the chocolates they had on the table before everybody else would arrive. 

There was still half an hour left, and it was a party so it’s not like everyone would show up on the dot, but Liam still felt himself starting to become a little nervous.

His week hadn’t been going too well, and Niall still only texted back like every couple days. At least Zayn had started to become normal around Liam again, and Liam had for once managed to turn in all of his homework on time, so maybe that were already enough achievements for the entire month. Not like today wasn’t the 31st anyways.

“I have to tell you something.” Louis took Liam aside for a moment when a few of his friends had arrived, and surprisingly enough, Liam found them to be rather nice. Maybe, probably, he had already had too much to drink.

“Okay?” Honestly, whatever it was, Liam would have not reacted as heavily as he would have sober, but he was still trying his very best to keep it together.

His friend looked at him with a very serious expression, and it was slightly hard to focus on him when so many people around them were talking, and there was also some music on, but then Louis just said it. “I invited Zayn and Niall. I don’t know if they’re gonna show up though.”

“You- why?!” Okay, that DID shock Liam.

“Zayn’s cool and I thought maybe you and Niall could talk some things out. If you don’t wanna you can just ignore him?” His intentions had clearly been pure, but now Liam’s heart was beating a little too fast and also, he couldn’t stop thinking about how awful he probably looked tonight and- not that it mattered. “I just wanted to warn you.”

“I mean it’s… fine. We don’t really talk a lot anymore.” He did talk to Zayn though, so that was why he was even more surprised that Zayn hadn’t mentioned the party in any way the past few days. Maybe they really weren’t gonna show up after all, some people had already been here for around an hour. 

“Sorry, I should’ve asked you first.” Louis apologized for whatever reason, so now Liam could really not be upset anymore or even pretend to be. 

“It’s your party, you can invite whoever you want and- I mean, they probably won’t even come anyways.” They surely had other friends too, right? Or Zayn did at least, and Liam highly doubted that Niall would’ve ever shown up on his own. Then again… who knew?

Louis apologized again and then he got Liam something else to drink so they quickly moved on from the topic. Obviously it was still in the back of Liam’s head the entire time from there on, so he kinda had to drink a bit more in an attempt to forget about it, which didn’t really benefit the conversations he was having with people, but it was a party for god’s sake.

No idea how much time had passed, all Liam knew was that he had somewhat managed to forget about Niall and Zayn by the time he looked across the room and honestly thought he had gone too far with the alcohol this time because he was hallucinating people that weren’t even here. Zayn definitely was there though, and Liam hated nothing more than the very short panic he felt thinking he had shown up without Niall. He hadn’t.

Because Liam was a little drunk at this point, he actually didn’t feel embarrassed about going over to greet them, hugging them both even though they probably didn’t want to. But they were kinda forced to anyways.

“I told Louis you guys for _sure_ wouldn’t bother showing up.” Liam blurted out, which was met by a side eye from Louis, who had just opened the door for them, but he didn’t say anything.

“We were debating it, Niall thought we needed costumes or we wouldn’t be allowed in or something.” Zayn laughed, apparently amused by Liam’s boldness.

“I just said it would probably be appropriate.” They weren’t dressed up though, otherwise Liam would have probably not recognized them in the state he was in right now. He was fully there though, he could also walk straight, but the alcohol was influencing him and he was very aware of it. “Thanks for inviting me as well.”

“Of course. You guys can just help yourself to anything, okay?” No doubt, Louis was a great host, and he had definitely spent too much on this party as well and no one had brought anything so far, so they were all equally surprised when Niall handed him a bag.

“I brought cupcakes, I wasn’t sure what else to bring.” He almost looked embarrassed, as if it wasn’t enough or something.

“Oh wow, thank you, you didn’t have to bring anything at all.” Louis looked impressed, and for some reason he shared a very intense look with Liam after that, but that was probably only because he was for sure behaving strangely right now without noticing.

“Do they taste like the cake you brought me?” Liam asked flat out, not sure how he could remember that when he had never tasted it because he had forgotten about it.

“Not really.” Niall shrugged, but then he continued and stupid as Liam was, he had to laugh. “Did you ever actually eat that?”

“No.” He admitted, without even thinking about it, without feeling bad. So yeah, great start.

“Okay, I’ll show you guys where the food is.” Louis quickly jumped in, and Liam decided to leave them alone because he actually had to use the bathroom. He should have not been this honest, but it was too late and honestly, Niall always ignored his texts, so that wasn’t very nice either, was it?

They didn’t talk to each other anymore for what felt like ages, but probably wasn’t half the time Liam thought. He just knew that Zayn and Harry must’ve been discussing some serious topics somewhere on the couch because no one else dared to join their conversation, and Louis was chatting with his colleagues and Liam had found a few people who were willing to take some more shots with him.

He had no idea what Niall was doing, because he was pretty good at pretending he didn’t at all care when he was drinking, so he honestly felt proud of that. Didn’t mean he didn’t feel a rush of excitement when Niall suddenly sat down next to him, with some candy in his hand, his face looking more flushed than usual and it was obvious he had been drinking as well.

“Sorry for never answering your text.” He leaned in to tell Liam because it was a little loud and honestly, the neighbors probably hated Harry and Louis already. “I was really busy.”

“With what?” Liam just asked back, laughing a bit and the other boy shrugged, eating whatever he had been holding.

“Studying. Work.” Sounded like basic excuses and they both knew it.

“I don’t believe you.” Liam told him while laughing, leaning back against the couch and Niall grinned, moving a bit so they could still look at each other fine. “You hate texting me, don’t you?”

“I’m just not good at texting.” That sounded more genuine, as far as intoxicated Liam could be a judge of that. “You lied to me about that cake.”

“I didn’t wanna hurt your feelings.” That was true, and Liam should have never admitted to having lied, but whatever.

“Neither did I.” Niall sounded very serious for a moment, but then the next he was already smiling again, taking Liam’s glass out of his hands without asking. “What the hell are you drinking? Looks awful.”

“It’s actually not good.” Liam tried to warn him, not adding that he was only drinking it because it made him drunk faster.

“It’s _terrible_, what the fuck?” Niall looked as if he was about to puke after the first sip, quickly handing the glass back to Liam, who was just laughing at the other’s face. “I can’t let this happen, I’ll show you how we drink when my relatives from Ireland come visit.”

Before Liam knew it, they were both drinking over in the kitchen, and in the back of his head he knew this wasn’t the best idea, but he was also having a good time with Niall, so why stop? It was a party and it was Halloween and he had missed Niall, as much as he didn’t wanna admit it to anyone, much less himself.

“Zayn was mad at me, I think. Because we just ran away from his art thing.” Liam had to try hard not to laugh about it now, and he could see the corners of Niall’s mouth twitching also. He was leaning against the counter for support. 

“He was _really_ pissed at me.” Niall didn’t try to hold back his laughter, so Liam had to join because it was too hard not to. “We had a serious conversation about it, it sucked.”

“Why?” It would’ve been appropriate to be serious right now as well, but Liam just couldn’t do it anymore, his brain and mouth were slowly but surely losing any sort of connection. 

“I don’t like serious conversations.” Was all Niall said before laughing again, making Liam drink something else, which would have probably made him puke had his mouth not already felt numb at this point. 

They spent too much time in the kitchen next to all the alcohol, so someone was bound to show up, and of course it had to be Louis, because Liam was just the luckiest person on the planet. As far as Liam could tell in the state he was currently in, Louis was a little shocked finding the two of them together, and having drank as much as they had, and he might have also suggested they had something to eat or some water, but the next think Liam actually remembered was Niall convincing him to go out onto the balcony with him. 

The noise from inside was still noticeable out here, but the cold air definitely helped Liam focus a bit more, not that that helped too much because he had had so much to drink that he didn’t even feel cold in just a T-shirt. Niall couldn’t relate apparently.

“It’s freezing.” He was giggling though while rubbing his upper arms, and Liam didn’t get a chance to reply. “What floor are we in?”

“Uuuh, no idea. Fifth? Seventh?” Liam was just randomly guessing numbers, of course he knew which floor Harry and Louis lived on, but not right now. “Why? You’re not gonna jump, are you?”

“Why would I?” Good, he sounded shocked, so that was a relief. As drunk as Liam was, he was still aware that most of the time Niall seemed to be in a really dark mood, so who knew what was going on in his head right now asking this question? “I was just curious. We should’ve brought a bottle out with us.”

“We shouldn’t have, it’s gonna hit me really bad in a few minutes, I can already feel it.” Liam was joking but also not at all. It’s why he had too much too drink whenever he did drink, because he just had too much at once with no breaks. 

“Same.” Niall laughed, his face having turned even redder from the cold probably, and Liam thought that they were probably going to get ill now because of how hot it had been inside the apartment from all the people and all the drinking they had done. But then a second later it was his very last concern. “Can I see your mark?”

For a moment, Liam almost felt sober again, but then again not at all, because he knew his speech was slowed and he knew he was dizzy and he didn’t even consider not doing it before he had already pulled up his shirt. He also had to move his pants a bit, because the mark had been on his hip, and he had no idea if Niall could even really see it because it wasn’t very bright out here.

“Oh.” He went quiet for a moment before reaching out to straight out touch the scar and Liam didn’t know why, but he didn’t even flinch, didn’t even feel weird about it, only felt Niall’s touch because his fingers were freezing. “Do you wanna see mine?”

“Yeah.” Of course Liam did, or maybe not, but Niall had already turned around, awkwardly moving his shirt and Liam just reached out to help him until he could see the mark on Niall’s lower back, glowing a bit in the dark. 

It had been ages since Liam had touched his own mark, when it had still been there, so he was almost surprised by how it felt underneath his fingertips, much smoother than normal skin, and warmer than the skin surrounding it. It had a nice color, a little bluish, and Liam couldn’t really tell what the shape was like because he couldn’t focus enough and then Niall had already turned back around. 

“You know what’s so stupid?” He was laughing again, not leaving Liam a chance to even think about it. “I thought maybe it was fate that Louis invited me also and that I didn’t know anyone here, I thought maybe my soulmate was here tonight. I always make up these scenarios in my head whenever I leave the house.”

Liam didn’t know what to say, he was just staring while Niall was laughing at himself, clearly not at all amused though. It was a really weird moment, one second Niall was laughing, but then it kinda turned into a sob and the very next thing drunk Liam knew was the other boy clinging to him while crying into his shoulder, completely overwhelming him.

“I’m sorry.” Was all Liam brought out, because he was drunk and he was afraid they’d fall over any second, so he held on tightly to Niall so that wouldn’t happen. 

He felt a bit warmer being this close to the other boy, but also still dizzy and confused and a little helpless because they had had fun before and now Niall was bawling his eyes out and god, Liam was so fucking drunk he couldn’t even comfort him.

“What is going on?” It was Zayn, who made them jump apart, and Liam wasn’t sure if he had only hugged Niall for 10 seconds or 20 minutes, it might have as well been even longer. “Niall?!”

“Nothing, I’m drunk.” Niall’s voice was shaky, and he was wiping his face hectically and Liam felt bad, so he quickly jumped in to try and safe him.

“Really drunk.” That wasn’t helping, was it?

“Are you okay?” Zayn wasn’t convinced, and why would he have been? They both probably looked like hot messes, Niall especially.

“’course. I’m gonna get food.” Niall announced, his face still red, but it could’ve also been from the cold or the alcohol, so maybe no one would notice.

Liam had been about to say he was gonna come, but there was no need to because Niall was pulling him alone by his wrist, past Zayn and back inside, who luckily didn’t follow them. Or maybe he did, the apartment wasn’t even that big anyways.

They did get food, but only snacks and some of the pizza Louis had ordered, and if Liam wiped away some sauce from Niall’s face with a napkin, it was only because the other boy asked him to and was laughing his head off at the same time, as if before hadn’t ever even happened.

When they ended up on the couch again, Liam didn’t think he’d ever even be able to get up again, he was half lying down, and Niall barely had any space next to him, but they somehow made it work, with their legs almost overlapping because of how close they were. Liam couldn’t see Niall’s face clearly, even despite the lack of distance.

“That’s the strangest birthmark I’ve ever seen.” Niall sounded very serious when he literally pressed his thumb into Liam’s throat, almost choking him a bit.

“That hurts.” Liam told him, having to laugh though when he pulled the other’s hand away and Niall joined, turning around for a second before leaning even closer to Liam. “Your friends are making out over there.”

“They’re always making out.” Well, a lot, but not that much when they were alone with Liam. “Stop looking at them like a creep.”

Niall had turned around again, laughing at Liam’s comment and letting himself fall more into the couch also, casually moving his legs over the other’s lap as he rubbed his hands across his face. “I’m too drunk for this.”

“For what?” Behaving normally? Because Liam could definitely relate.

“This whole thing.” Niall made a movement with his hand, laughing at himself and honestly, Liam couldn’t stop staring at him. Because he was also drunk, obviously. “I’ve never made out with anybody.”

“I’ve once. Wasn’t so great.” Probably because Liam had been a teenager and completely overwhelmed, but whatever.

“It wasn’t like this?” Niall joked, pointing way too obviously towards Harry and Louis, chuckling when Liam tried to get him to take his arm down. “I’ve only seen that in porn.”

“Shut up.” Liam had to laugh but he really didn’t want to, he was tired and honestly feeling a bit sick but he wouldn’t have wanted to leave this spot for the world right now. 

He let his eyes fall closed, moving his arm across them to block out the light because it was hurting a bit, and it was also way too hot in here, and too loud, and Liam felt quite gross from being sweaty and the mix of alcohol and junk food, but Niall didn’t seem to mind when he leaned in again. Liam didn’t even really notice at first because he wasn’t looking, and even when he did, he wasn’t thinking much of it. 

“I wanna know what’s it like.” Niall sounded like he was joking, so Liam just chuckled, letting his arm fall back to look at him, his face way closer than expected. 

“Tell me once you found out, I probably won’t ever.” Liam gave back, not taking this serious at all because it would’ve been quite hard with the state they were both in.

Niall just grinned, moving again, his hand brushing Liam’s arm on the back of the couch. “We could find out.”

There definitely was a new feeling in the depth of Liam’s stomach, but he ignored it for another joke. Or at least what he thought was gonna come out like one. “You wanna snog me?”

It wasn’t an invitation, it was a genuine question, at least as a joke, but Niall didn’t seem to take it that way. “Yeah.”

Honestly, Liam didn’t really know where his head was in that very moment, because he couldn’t quite remember it after, he just knew that he suddenly wasn’t laughing anymore, and he also wasn’t amused. Niall was still smiling, and he also didn’t just lean in and kiss Liam, he just leaned closer, and closer, waiting, until Liam closed the gap because fuck, they had had TOO much to drink and he had been thinking about Niall this way and maybe he felt more lonely than he wanted to admit.

No idea if the kiss was good, they were both uncoordinated, probably would have been even if they had been sober. It wasn’t bad though, at least not as far as Liam could remember, he wasn’t thinking anything in that moment, just that Niall somehow tasted familiar, but probably only because they had been drinking and eating the same things, as gross as that sounded. Not that it was gross, not at all.

Niall used way too much tongue, but who was Liam to judge that, really? He just kissed back as well as he knew, as much as he could actually make his muscles move, and Niall was almost falling on top of him by the time he suddenly started laughing into Liam’s mouth. 

“What?” Liam kinda didn’t wanna stop in that moment, but Niall didn’t stop laughing, so they kinda had to. “Niall.”

He chuckled, pressing his hand a bit uncomfortably into Liam’s stomach as he tried to sit up a bit more, face even redder now than it had been before or outside in the cold. “It’s not so bad.”

Because he kinda wasn’t doing anything, Liam had to lean up himself to kiss Niall again, and the other boy immediately went with it, luckily having calmed down enough so his laughter wasn’t forcing them to part again. This time, they only stopped because they kinda had to, and Liam was on the edge of falling asleep if he was being honest.

“I feel a lot better when I’m with you.” Niall was only whispering it, and Liam wasn’t even sure if he had heard it right, if maybe he was just too far gone.

“Then why are you always so distant?” He heard himself asking back, and instead of an answer he just got another kiss, without tongue this time, so that was also kinda nice.

“’m not into guys… “ The other boy mumbled against Liam’s lips, which was kind of ironic really, but neither of them was in the mind state to realize that.

“Neither am I.” Liam lied, even after drinking his brain away, not feeling any regret in the moment. “But this is nice… “

Niall seemed to agree, because he definitely, obviously, did not mind kissing Liam some more. Liam didn’t know if anybody saw them, but most of these people didn’t even know them, so it also didn’t matter in the end. After that, Liam only remembered certain moments, definitely staying on the couch with Niall for a bit longer, possibly kissing some more, and then basically Niall staying by his side for as long as Liam’s memory allowed.

He could kinda recall getting up to use the bathroom and Niall coming with him, turning around though and laughing his head off. And also talking to somebody else for a second before Niall had his arms wrapped around Liam’s waist, kissing his neck and his cheek, and really anywhere until Liam was chuckling. 

The very last thing Liam remembered though, unfortunately enough, was snogging Niall against the counter in the kitchen, and he was 110% certain that every last person at this entire party had seen them together at least ONCE, if not multiple times.

\----------------

“’m gonna die… “ Liam was convinced of it, with his head in the toilet, regretting almost every drink he had had tonight, but also not quite sure what exactly that had been. 

“You won’t. But you’re gonna feel like shit tomorrow. Well, today.” Harry was in the bathroom with Liam, and Liam had no idea how any of this had happened, because he couldn’t recall at least the past hour. 

“Where’s Niall?” Liam still cared, he was still drunk, but sobering up a little, not enough though as to where he would have felt ashamed. It would soon come, no question, after he had ruined every inch of Harry’s and Louis’ new toilet.

“Sleeping. He’s fine.” That was good, but it also made Liam wanna cry for some reason. “Are you done? You should sleep it off as well.”

“I don’t know… “ Liam croaked, having to cough, which only spread the disgusting taste in his mouth and almost made him gag again. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be, it’s just a toilet, it can flush. And we had way too much alcohol anyways.” That wasn’t what Liam had meant, he wasn’t sure what he had been trying to say, all he knew was that he wanted to cry. So he did. “Liam… c’mon, drink some water. It’ll be fine. Let’s go lie down, alright?”

“Where’s Louis?” Where was anybody?

“In the living room, he can’t stand vomit. If you’re done I can go and get him.” Liam didn’t react, so he assumed that was what Harry did because he was alone for a moment, the embarrassment starting to settle in, but at the same time he was overcome with such tiredness that he honestly also couldn’t remember what happened after any of that conversation.

\-------------

Liam woke up because he heard somebody talking, and like, moving things around, and then almost immediately, his head literally about to fucking kill him because it was hurting so bad. Upon _attempting_ to sit up, he had no memory of what had happened whatsoever, not even the party itself, and it only started to slowly sink in when he blinked his eyes open, looking around the apartment and instantly wishing he was dead.

“Fuck… “ Liam whispered, confused as hell and honestly not knowing how or why all of this had happened. At least the parts he could remember.

“You’re alive.” Louis sounded cheerful as he came over while Liam could barely keep his eyes open, feeling as if he’d have to puke right over himself. “Drink something.”

The glass was almost forced against Liam’s lips, and he tried his best to hold it and actually drink out of it, but it wasn’t making things any better whatsoever. He felt gross in those clothes, his mouth tasted as if some animal had died in it and his head was hurting as if someone was drilling holes into it. Great, he was never drinking again.

“How late is it?” Liam’s could barely speak, having to press his eyes closed while rubbing his temples in hopes of feeling more human again any moment. He didn’t. 

“Four in the morning. Can’t believe you’re already awake again.” He sounded quite impressed, not at all pissed off although he would have had every right to be.

“Where’s everybody else?” Liam asked, still keeping his eyes closed because it made the urge to puke a bit less hard to suppress. 

“Everybody left like 2 hours ago, Harry went to sleep, I stayed up so you wouldn’t suffocate in your sleep, Zayn’s out on the balcony smoking, and Niall’s sleeping on the other couch.” Wait…

“Niall is… here?” Upon hearing his name, a million more memories started pouring back in, and Liam had to bury his face in his hands. What had they done?!

“Yeah, he’s alright, don’t worry. I think he had less to drink than you, but it was hard to tell.” Louis said it as if it was funny, but Liam would have just vomited on himself had he laughed. And he also wasn’t amused in any way whatsoever. “You guys seemed… cozy.”

“What did you see?” Liam just needed to know, he didn’t want to, but he HAD to.

“Just a couple kisses.” He was downplaying it, and Liam almost wanted to say that, but his friend continued anyways. “If you remember that, I don’t know. I mean… it was more than just kissing, and I’ve not been watching you two the entire time, but I won’t lie, we all saw pretty much everything.”

“Great.” What else was Liam going to say to this? It had already happened, and he didn’t know how he felt.

“I thought about stepping in, but you both seemed so into it and like… like you were genuinely enjoying yourself. And Niall kept clinging to you right until you had to puke.” This was only getting worse and worse. “Actually, I thought you were quite cute a-“

“Please stop.” Liam couldn’t take it anymore, he wanted to cry again but then he also didn’t even know why. He just… he had no idea why what had happened, had happened. Well, maybe he did, a little bit, but he didn’t know how to tell Louis that. “We just… we were really drunk. It was Niall’s idea. He just wanted to see what it’s like and he’s not feeling great and- he’s not into guys.”

“I mean, that didn’t look like he’s not into-“

“He’s not, he told me.” And Liam had told him the same, and that had been a lie, but no one knew that. “Can we just forget about it?”

“I can, I’m not sure you can though.” Right. “Li, if you wanna talk about anything… “

“I don’t.” He did, but where would he have started?

“It’s okay if you like a guy.” Louis continued, and Liam wanted to stop him, but he didn’t because he was afraid he’d just start crying. “It doesn’t mean you have to put a label on it.”

“I’m not. And Niall’s got a soulmate anyways.” One that he desperately wanted to be with, and Liam had just been a filler, someone to practice on basically. After Niall had ignored his text messages for days. 

“But he doesn’t know who-“

“I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.” Liam interrupted, because he was so close to tears that it was painful to try and hold them in at this point. “Would you mind if I take a shower?”

“’course not. But can you leave the door open? I don’t want you to fall or something.” That sounded reasonable, even more so when Liam actually got up, keeping his eyes away from where Niall was sleeping on the other couch.

Louis gave him a towel and some of his clothes to borrow, like he had done so many times in the past. He also gave Liam some mouthwash because he couldn’t find a new toothbrush, but Liam didn’t care, he was thankful for anything at this point. Mostly that Louis just left without trying to push further.

It was only when Liam was in the shower that he allowed himself to cry, even though he didn’t fully know what for. It’s not like he was in love with Niall, right? He just liked him, he had wanted them to be friends, and maybe he still did, he was just so bloody confused about everything. And the worst part was that everyone had seen them, everyone had literally been right fucking there and Liam was terrified of Niall’s reaction once he woke up as well. 

Liam had never meant to catch feelings, but now it seemed as if he didn’t have much say in it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! :D
> 
> this is an early update because im super tired haha! i hope you enjoyed this chapter <3 i gotta say i really saved it until yesterday to write it all but then i was like in a flow or something and it was a lot of fun to write and im kinda really happy with it :) it feels a bit different to my other fics (i KNOW the drunk party kissing scene is nothing knew im sorry hfjdhfkjd at least they kissed for different reasons tho ok), mostly in the way things are developing for them and also the characters themselves (a bit). at least i hope so because i dont wanna write the same thing over and over again (ive already done that rip)
> 
> let me know your thoughts if you want! thank you all so much for leaving so many comments on the previous chapters as well, they always make me very happy i love you guys <3 have a great week!!!


	4. Chapter 4

It was really awkward, the four of them in the living room with only Niall asleep after Liam had come back from the shower, feeling a little more human again but still on the verge of dying. Zayn didn’t wanna leave without Niall, which was understandable, and Louis seemed as if he was afraid somebody would choke on their vomit if he went to sleep. Also, it would’ve probably worried him a little to just leave Zayn awake and in his apartment the entire night, and Liam would have LOVED to go to sleep, but he just couldn’t.

So they all just sat there, with as little light on as possible, not really speaking to one another and kinda waiting for the time to pass. To be fair though, Liam was fairly certain that not as much time had passed as it felt like to him, but he was also afraid he’d have to puke everywhere any second so there was that.

“Just tell me if you want anything to drink or if you get hungry, okay?” Louis tried after a while, having moved to sit on the floor opposite the couch Liam was on, leaning against a cupboard. He probably wanted to sleep, just like all of them, but the situation was too strange for that somehow. 

“’m good… “ Liam mumbled, rubbing his face but it only seemed to make things worse anyways. He wanted Niall to wake up, but he also wanted him to stay asleep at the same time, afraid of what he’d have to say, if he could even remember. But most of all, Liam was afraid to hear him say he’d regret what had happened, and he hated that more than anything.

“Me too. But thanks.” Zayn answered quickly, honestly sounding the least tired of them all. He was sitting on one of the chairs by the table, not being able to lie down anywhere because there was no space left. At this point it felt like they’d be here all night long or something, not that it was going to last very long still, because it was probably close to 5 in the morning now.

There was more silence, and Liam pulled the blanket Louis or Harry must’ve given him over his lap, feeling a bit chilly and overall just poorly. He had a lot to say, honestly, and a lot to ask, but he was afraid of speaking up, so he tried to keep it in, just tell himself that it didn’t matter. At some point though, he felt as if he’d explode any second if he didn’t open his mouth.

“D’you think Niall’s gonna be upset?” No idea why this was the first thing Liam asked while looking into his own lap, playing with his blanket and feeling quite stupid about it all, like a teenager or something. 

The question had clearly been directed at Zayn, but he took his time to answer and Liam was afraid to look up. “Not with you.”

“With himself?” For getting so drunk he’d snog some guy at a party he didn’t even like, that was what Zayn had meant to say, wasn’t it?

“Aren’t you?” Clearly Zayn thought that Liam regretted everything, that he wished it hadn’t happened, and yeah, he did kinda wish it hadn’t happened, and yet… “I mean, you were both drunk. Like, _really_ drunk, it happened, it’s whatever in the end.”

“Yeah… “ Liam agreed, even though he didn’t actually agree. “I guess.”

“It’s not whatever.” Louis threw in all of a sudden, and Liam wanted to tell him to stop getting involved, but he stayed quiet instead. “Considering the whole situation it’s actually quite a-“

“What situation?” Oh great.

“I- It’s not really my place to talk about this.” Louis thankfully stopped himself from revealing anything, but of course the damage had already been done. “All I’m saying is I’ve never just gotten drunk and snogged someone at a party, and I don’t think I’d think it’s whatever.”

“You’re making no sense. What situation?” Zayn kept pushing, and Liam felt his face getting hot, honestly kinda wanting to cry. He needed to say something now, and he couldn’t tell Zayn about Niall wanting to break his bond because then the other boy would have SURELY been upset with him, so he kinda had to take the fall instead.

“It’s nothing, it’s-“

“Because I broke my soul bond and… it’s complicated.” That shouldn’t have made any sense to Zayn either because it literally did not relate to the situation in any way from an outside perspective, but it still had the effect Liam had been hoping for. It distracted Zayn.

“You- _what?!_ Is that true?! When? Why?! But we talked about- and…. what?!” He forgot to be quiet, but it didn’t matter anymore, Niall seemed so deep asleep that Liam started doubting he’d ever even wake up again.

“It’s a long story, I’ve done it years ago when I was still a teenager, so… that’s why I don’t care much for soulmates.” And now he knew that Liam had also been lying, but that was kinda irrelevant as it seemed.

Zayn stayed quiet, and Liam felt his stare but he refused to return it, he was still busy with the blanket and trying not to die from absolute embarrassment. “Now I know why you and Niall get along.”

Liam just nodded, assuming that Niall had told Zayn that Liam knew about his own soulmate story, actually not sure if they did get along. Had Niall said that? Was he talking about Liam with Zayn? There was no way, and it was toxic just imaging it when it probably wasn’t even true. Plus, even if he had, he surely wouldn’t anymore now and also, it wasn’t exactly a good thing if they only got along because they shared similar, terrible pasts.

And then no one said anything anymore, Zayn was probably thinking it all through, Louis probably felt bad for Liam because that was just normal by now, and Liam actually considered leaving because it was 5 in the morning, meaning the first busses were running. It would’ve probably been rude, to leave Louis all by himself here with Niall and Zayn, but Liam just couldn’t take it anymore.

He excused himself to the bathroom, and then kept washing his hands for so long that Louis came to check on him, pretending he had just wanted to get something to drink from the kitchen, softly knocking on the bathroom door instead. “Liam?”

Without thinking, Liam just opened the door, letting his friend enter because he had never even used the toilet anyways, he had just kinda wanted to be alone for a second. “I’m gonna go home, I’m sorry you’re stuck here with Z-“

“You can’t just go home.” Louis interrupted, taken off guard, and Liam had expected that reaction, but he also didn’t care.

“It’s past 5, I can get home by bus, I’m not drunk anymore, I won’t choke in my sleep. I just have a headache and if I have to sit on that couch for 6 more hours I’m gonna lose my mind.” Especially if Niall woke up, because Liam already knew that that would’ve only made things worse. 

“What am I supposed to tell Niall in the morning?” Louis was being all serious, but they were also whispering so Zayn wouldn’t hear them from the other room.

“That I wanted to sleep at home? Why does it matter? It’s not like it meant anything.” Surely Niall wouldn’t care, he’d probably even be glad that Liam wasn’t there for any sort of confrontation. He hated confrontation, hadn’t he even said that tonight?

“How’d you feel if it was the other way around?” The other man kept pushing, which did make Liam think for a second, but he couldn’t tell the truth now because the truth didn’t apply here. He and Niall clearly felt very differently about a lot of things.

“I wouldn’t care.” Liam lied, well aware that Louis was looking right through him though.

“Right. So you don’t care if he’s gonna be upset? Because a couple minutes ago-“

“I was just thinking out loud, I decided I don’t actually care, okay? It didn’t mean anything.” To Niall. “I’m sorry you’re gonna be stuck with Zayn.”

“I don’t care about Zayn, I don’t want you to run away from this situation and make it even worse when it is clearly already bothering you. How are you gonna fix this tomorrow? Or in a week?” God, could he stop?!

“There’s nothing to fix because it didn’t mean anything. He won’t care, and I just wanna be home in my own bed and sleep.” Preferably forever.

“You and I both know you’ve got a pretty bad record of avoiding your problems just to feel better for that moment, and it’s _never_ made things better in the long run. Remember when-“

“I _know_. Okay? I know. But I’m still gonna go home.” It was already decided, and there was nothing Louis could have said to change Liam’s mind. Maybe that was why he looked like he was about to give up. 

“Why are you acting this way?” Now Louis was going down this route, and it honestly made Liam roll his eyes in an attempt to cover up his real emotions. “You’re gonna regret this.”

“Alright.” Was all Liam said, deciding to leave the bathroom because this was going nowhere and he was afraid Louis wouldn’t stop until he decided to stay. Which he wouldn’t, because for what?!

Zayn couldn’t see him from the living room, and Liam wouldn’t have cared if he had, he just went to put on his shoes, made sure to check if his phone, wallet and keys were still there as he put on his jacket that was still hanging by the door. 

“Thanks for inviting me to the party.” That was serious, but Louis looked at him as if Liam was just making fun of him, completely ignoring what he had said.

“You’re too stubborn, you know that, right?” Yep.

Louis did hug him goodbye, and Liam felt bad for a moment, but then he just left anyways, without looking back, without saying another word to Louis or Zayn, trying not to think about any of them anymore on his way to the bus station.

He ended up at home and in his bed a lot sooner than he would have thought, and Liam might normally have stayed awake overthinking everything that had happened, but the second his head hit the pillow, he was basically already passed out again.

\------------------

Liam tried not to think about it the entire next day because he literally had nothing at all to do, so he just stayed home, not even getting the things done he had planned on getting done the entire day. He wanted to text Louis or Harry so badly and ask what had happened in the morning, but he never got around to doing it. And obviously, neither Niall nor Zayn contacted him, so it was just Liam spending the day with himself, trying to get rid of this headache.

The main problem was that he could remember more than he would have thought about kissing Niall, the way it had felt, the way Niall had stuck by his side for so long, how much fun they had had. But it hadn’t been real, had it? They had been smashed, and very clearly Niall had just been trying to distract himself, he had said it himself, he had just wanted to know what it was like, he had literally been crying on the balcony just a couple minutes before all of it. 

The worst part of it all was though, that Liam could still feel Niall’s fingers against the scar where his soulmate mark had been, because no one had ever touched it besides Liam, and he wasn’t sure if it was a good memory or not. All he knew was that he just wanted to forget about it all, just move on and pretend it had ever even happened.

But he couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried, he even went on a walk trying to clear his head a little, but upon returning home, he felt like an even bigger mess. 

He had ruined it, that was for certain now, and whatever might have happened between himself and Niall had he stayed instead of running away to go home, Liam would never know now, would he? 

\-------------------------

“Are you and Zayn fighting or something?” One of Liam’s coworkers sounded awfully curious as they had their break together in the back, confirming Liam’s fear that Zayn really had been trying to avoid him all day and not just been super busy.

“Why?” Liam pretended to be confused, but he did feel his heart pounding really hard all of a sudden, afraid to clock back in in a few minutes and continue working with Zayn. 

“Usually I always see you guys talking, and now he’s asked me to help him later.” Could Zayn be anymore obvious? What if he’d go around now to tell people about what Liam had done, how much of an ass he was? But then again… surely Niall wouldn’t want anybody to find out, and also, why would Niall even be upset? It’s not like he even liked Liam.

“Nothing happened, I don’t think it means anything. Maybe I’ll ask him.” He wouldn’t.

Three days had passed since the party, Liam had of course talked to Louis since then, but it seemed nothing at all had happened in the morning, and Niall hadn’t even bothered asking where Liam had gone. Apparently Zayn had been confused that Liam had just taken off, without even saying goodbye, but according to Louis, neither of them seemed to have been upset with Liam. And yet it looked like they were?

There was silence between Liam and his coworker, but just for a moment because of course Liam couldn’t keep his damn mouth shut. “Were you here yesterday?”

“Um, yeah.” His coworker nodded after having thought about it for a moment.

“Did you see Niall?” Liam blurted out, not being able to hold back. Obviously he and Niall had no shifts together as usual, but just this once Liam was maybe a little bit glad. On the other hand though, did that mean that that was it? That whatever they could have had, even just a simple friendship, was ruined?

“’course, he was working as well. Why?” He was understandably confused and Liam shrugged, trying to stay as casual as somehow possible because he didn’t want to get people at the restaurant talking about him and then it possibly get to Niall in the end.

“No reason. He wasn’t weird or anything, was he?” Okay, Liam should have NOT asked this, but he had just needed to know and he couldn’t ask anybody else.

“No, why would he be weird? Did anything happened?” Now he sounded alarmed, which was even worse, so Liam made sure to immediately try and calm him, talk it down.

“No, no, I just never have any shifts with him, sometimes I think he quit.” He then tried to laugh it off, as if it didn’t mean anything at all, but it didn’t seem as if his coworker was really buying into it. Great, Liam was just adding fuel to the fire at this point, wasn’t he?

“Do you think he did? He’s really not here a lot.” Suddenly Liam’s break seemed way too long.

“I’m sure he didn’t, he was just busy.” Liam hated speaking on Niall’s behalf, after having initiated the conversation himself, not knowing anymore how to stop it from continuing. No idea what he had even been hoping to hear asking about Niall, was it rude that he had hoped that Niall would have at least been acting a little off? Just to show that he cared? “I gotta go to the bathroom before my break’s over.”

So Liam quickly left, not wanting anymore questions and also a little afraid of what he himself was going to say if they kept this going. He was such an idiot sometimes, always saying way too much, and the wrong things in the worst possible situations. Then again, Niall and Zayn were both already pissed at him for whatever reason, so how much worse could it get?

Much worse, apparently.

The day went by way too slowly, Liam didn’t really talk to anyone anymore, except customers of course, and a few of his coworkers, but not Zayn. So when he finally clocked out and walked to the train station, he was mostly tired and ready for bed. He really didn’t expect having to be confronted with this whole mess the entire way home.

The thing was, Liam had already gotten on the train, and sat down as well, when somebody got the doors to open one more time the last second, and to Liam’s shock, it was a very out of breath Zayn, who must have been running to still get on the train. He didn’t see Liam, kept walking straight in his direction, and then, when the train started moving, their eyes met and Zayn stopped dead on. 

Right before turning around. 

“Zayn?” Liam spoke up automatically, he hadn’t really meant to, hadn’t actually been brave enough. But here they were.

“What?” Zayn asked, apparently having decided that sitting closer to Liam was still better than with those drunk guys on the other side. He did refuse to look at him though, and he also sat in the seat diagonally to Liam instead of opposite him. Okay?

“What’s going on?” A stupid question, however, Liam wasn’t really referring to that, he was more referring to the fact that Zayn was clearly giving him the cold shoulder.

“You know what’s going on.” Was all he got back before Zayn started taking his phone out, as well as his headphones, apparently about to just listen to music now which was more than just frustrating to Liam, so obviously he had to step in immediately.

“It’s got nothing to do with you.” Obviously that was going to get Zayn riled up, but at least it stopped him from putting in those earphones and made him finally look at Liam.

“Niall’s a good friend of mine, it has everything to do with me.” Now his voice sounded cold, but honestly, it still made no sense to Liam in any way, it all felt like a really bad joke. 

“And you’re mad at me because he and I had something at a party when we were both drunk, and both wanted it?” Some more than others, but that was beside the point right now.

“I’m not mad at you, I don’t care enough for that.” Ouch. “I just think it was really weird that you just left without saying goodbye, and you never even contacted Niall to ask how he’s doing or to talk it out? It’s a strange behavior and Niall’s been feeling like crap so obviously I’m not gonna run around and talk to you all day as if nothing happened.”

“Niall never contacted me to ask how I’m doing either.” Was all Liam could think of saying, but it was true anyways.

“He also didn’t just leave, I mean that’s a clear indicator that you didn’t care. Why’d he bother contacting you if you make it so obvious that you don’t wanna talk about it?” Good point, also, Liam had nothing to back it up with, and the strangest part was, he felt better now knowing that Niall felt like crap. Not because he WANTED him to feel like crap, but it was nice knowing that he hadn’t just moved on, because Liam surely hadn’t.

Then again, maybe he felt like crap because he regretted it so much… but then why would he have wanted Liam to reach out or stick around to talk it out?

“Why does he care so much? We were just drunk.” Right?

“Why are you asking me that? I’m not him.” And then Zayn did end up putting in those earphones, and Liam wasn’t actually sure if he ever ended up playing any music or not, but he sure as hell was good at pretending. 

So that ended their conversation, and Liam wanted to both roll his eyes into the back of his head but he also wanted to cry a little. He ended up doing neither, not saying goodbye to Zayn when he reached his stop, not even looking at him just one more time because for what? The other man clearly did not care.

At home, Liam spent at least half an hour pacing up and down his bedroom, trying to figure out what to do. His mother came in to say goodnight at some point, luckily not commenting on Liam’s strange behavior, but he probably also wouldn’t have cared tonight. 

There were a hundred things Liam could have texted Niall, but he ended up deciding on something he regretted on an instant, his heart pounding so fast as if he had just personally screamed it into Niall’s face or something. Not that he was angry, he was just confused. 

_To Niall 00:05  
I’m sorry I left before you woke up & I’m sorry I’m only texting you now. I didn’t think you thought it was a big deal and I thought we both just needed some time to process what happened. i’d really like to talk it out if you want to as well_

No idea why Liam was nervous, because clearly Niall did not wanna talk it out at all, and it was _Niall_ so he was obviously also not going to text back anytime soon. 

So basically, Liam had just made himself even more anxious than he had already been, and every feeling of tiredness had washed away also. Fuck, if he ever sent a text like this ever again, he’d do it in the freaking morning and not in the middle of the night right before attempting to go to sleep.

\----------------------

As expected, there was no answer for more than a day, and Liam was yet again forced to try and move on, with no success. Not that he still expected it at this point, this whole situation had gotten so out of hand that Liam had honestly thought about quitting his job and moving across the country or something.

Not that he would have ever been brave enough to do something like that.

“Did you get around to working on it?” Right, Liam had forgotten about this stupid group project yet again, so he just nodded.

“I can send it to you tonight, I’ll only get home late.” He lied smoothly, and at least his classmate seemed happy with that for the moment. He wouldn’t be happy once he read through whatever Liam would manage to write down once he got home for real, but he had other things to think about right now. “Did you already send me your part?”

“Uh, yeah? A week ago.” Oh.

“Oh, yeah, sorry, I forgot, I thought about another class I’m taking.” Okay, now that wasn’t so smooth anymore. “I really have to go now, sorry, I’ve gotta go to work.”

He didn’t, but no one had to know that. 

Liam tried to hurry, to escape his classmates as quickly as somehow possible, and he was almost out of the main building, a little stressed out because he had to do his entire part of the project until tonight. 

But it seemed as if that would have to wait even longer than it already had.

“Hi.” 

At first, Liam just flinched when someone touched him, plus the greeting, thinking someone had mistaken him for somebody else because it had happened before. Not this time. “Wh- Niall. Hi, I- hi.”

“Can we talk?” He got straight to the point, while Liam still hadn’t really gotten it into his head that Niall was standing in front of him, so he nodded automatically, almost feeling as if he was experiencing an adrenaline rush or something. 

It was so hard to read Niall, just like always, so Liam just followed him without exchanging another word, a hundred questions forming in his head but he ended up saying none of them out loud. They went to the very end of the building, which was good because Liam’s classmates shouldn’t have really seen him still being at uni, but that was also the very last worry on his mind right now.

Niall found them a quiet corner, dropping his bag somewhere and then sitting across from Liam, looking at him, but before the other man could have judged whether he was being angry or careless or whatever else, Niall had already let his face drop into his hands.

“What’s- Niall?” Liam was so confused, he couldn’t even speak anymore, he wanted to reach out but then he didn’t. It was a little overwhelming, seeing Niall again after what had happened, in broad daylight and sober, but also having him sit here hiding his face as if he was about to start bawling. “I- are you okay?”

“No.” Was all that came back, a little muffled by Niall’s hands, but he remained in that position, taking a few breaths before finally revealing his face once more. Now it was all red from his own touch, but at least he didn’t look as if he was gonna start crying any second, so that was… good? “I know you don’t care, b-“

“I care.” Liam blurted out, just interrupting him, but it didn’t even seem to phase Niall in any way.

“-but I don’t know who else to talk to.” Wait, so he didn’t wanna talk about the party? “No one else gets it.”

“Did anything happen?” Okay, Liam would try his best to help obviously, it was _embarrassing_ how happy he was that Niall had been seeking out _him_ to discuss his problems. It also got them into an even weirder situation though.

“I did something stupid.” Niall told him, staring at the table between them, his voice sounding numb, and he almost sent Liam into panic mode. “I didn’t break it.”

“Oh- Oh good. I mean, thank god, I- what did you do?” Nothing could have been as bad as this.

“I downloaded this soulmate app, the one Zayn’s always talking about, and now I’ve got dates lined up with like 10 people.” Was he… crazy? 

“Did you tell these people th-“

“Of course I didn’t tell them, they wanna meet their soulmates.” Which also made a lot of sense, but like… 

“You’re catfishing people?” Liam asked bluntly, regretting it on an instant when Niall briefly glared at him.

“No? It’s not like there is an option that says _oh by the way, I’m really desperate and I already met my soulmate and I know it’s not you I just wanna distract myself_.” He said it in a really weird voice, pretending to be somebody else, and Liam just sat there staring, not knowing what the hell to think anymore. “What do I do?”

“Not go on dates with these people, it’s a soulmate app, they will check their marks the entire time.” Also, they would probably feel it on an instant that Niall wasn’t their soulmate, but Liam didn’t wanna say that. “Why did you do that?”

“I thought maybe my soulmate is doing the same. It was really late and I felt like crap.” Niall shrugged, looking so sad at the same time though that Liam kinda wanted to cry with him. How had they gotten here?

“Why aren’t you using a normal dating app? Not everyone wants to find a soulmate.” Was he really giving Niall suggestions now on how to date? HIM?

“I wanna find my soulmate.” Now he sounded frustrated again, still not looking at Liam though but seemingly very restless on the inside. “Do I just delete the app? Should I apologize?”

“I think you should just tell them you won’t come and then delete the app. It’s probably for the best.” Seriously, he was only going to make himself even more unhappy than he already was. “There’s other ways to distract yourself.”

“How?” Okay, he had Liam there.

“Talking to people about it, focusing on uni and work and-“

“Pushing it away? I tried that, it didn’t work.” Niall shrugged, leaning back in his chair as he crossed his arms in front of his chest, letting out a huge sigh. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Why was HE sorry?

“For talking crap about you to Zayn.” Great.

“You did?” Liam wasn’t surprised though, and honestly, he couldn’t even be mad. 

“I was a bit upset that you just left me at your friends’ apartment, but I also kinda get it. I would have probably done the same. I know you talked to Zayn a couple days ago, and that he’s ignoring you at work even though I told him to act normally.” Well, that wasn’t really going so well, was it?

“Do you wanna talk about the party?” Liam ignored everything else, because there was nothing for him to say, and the truth was, he didn’t care half as much about Zayn talking to him if Niall was at least ready to move on.

“I really don’t.” Right, he hated confrontation. “Can we just forget about it?”

“I can try.” He couldn’t, he didn’t want to, he wanted to know what had really been going through Niall’s head, and now he might never. “I’m sorry as well.”

“It’s okay.” Niall shrugged again, as if he truly did not care even though he obviously did, but Liam didn’t wanna keep pushing when Niall clearly didn’t want to.

“Why can you not talk to Zayn about this app?” If he had it as well, and if they were such great friends, why wasn’t he the first choice for Niall to go to for help?

“He can’t know how bad I’m feeling. Please don’t tell him, okay? He’s gonna get worried and- he would try to cheer me up and he’d only make it worse because he doesn’t know what it’s like.” And Liam did, so that was why they were sitting here, that was why Niall needed Liam and was ready to forgive him for whatever had happened. And Liam of course fell for it. 

“I thought you had a serious conversation with him about why we ran away to the aquarium.” That was still weird to Liam, but also not a bad memory and he would have gone there again had Niall asked.

“I did, but I made it all look a bit better than it is.” So he had lied, did Zayn even know the full story? He would have surely killed Liam at this point had he known that he knew so many of Niall’s secrets, and in such depth as well. “I don’t think I can text all these people back.”

“I can do it.” Liam offered without thinking, and before he even knew it, Niall had opened the app and handed him his phone, and Liam just copy pasted the same text into every chatroom, trying to ignore whatever had been written above because it was none of his business, but he did notice that it was all female names. He hesitated for a moment before deleting the app altogether, even though Niall hadn’t even asked him to. It was a lot better for him though. “Don’t do it again, it’s not helping.”

“It did for a little bit.” Niall either didn’t notice or care that Liam had deleted the app, because he simply put his phone away right after getting it back. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Liam wished he could have done more than that, he wished he could have truly helped Niall, done more than just offering that they could talk about it. Well, he had probably also helped Niall at the party, but that was different. And it had clearly also only been distraction, mixed with curiosity. “What now?”

“I don’t know.” Niall sighed again, and then he leaned forward a bit, putting his arms on the table and his face in between. “I understand if you have somewhere to be.”

“I don’t.” Just in front of his laptop typing 384738 words in a few hours but other than that Liam was completely free for the entire rest of the day. 

They sat in silence, just for a bit, but Liam did wonder why Niall didn’t need to sit up for air at some point. Time was probably passing a lot more quickly than it felt like to Liam, he thought about reaching out a hundred times but ended up simply never doing it. It wouldn’t have helped Niall either way, and after what had happened, Liam doubted that he wanted to be touched again.

“Do you wanna go somewhere?” Liam just had to ask, because they couldn’t just keep on sitting here for the next few hours, could they? With Niall feeling bad and pitying himself, it wasn’t going to make him feel any better, and maybe Liam’s idea wasn’t going to either, but it was worth a try.

Niall agreed, although he didn’t look all too motivated about it, but he went with Liam without ever even asking where they were going. He kept talking about something that had happened at work, and something about one of his uni classes, everything completely off topic, but Liam assumed it was because they weren’t alone anymore as soon as they were walking across campus.

He never asked if Niall wanted to know where they were going, he just took him to the bus station, taking the way that he usually took to get home, but Niall just kept talking anyways. Being out in public with him after everything and having it be so casual felt really weird somehow, but it also made Liam a little proud, the thought that to outsiders, they must have looked like casual friends.

They got off kinda close to where Liam lived, but he was pretty sure Niall didn’t notice, and if he had, he probably wouldn’t have cared. The bus station was right next to the way Liam usually took whenever he went on a walk, because it was kinda like a park and a little hill, actually quite nice. Plus, there were never a lot of people, so that seemed perfect right now.

“I’ve never been here.” Niall seemed to like it even though they were walking a bit uphill, which was a bit of a relief to Liam. “It’s nice.”

“I go on walks here a lot.” Well, not A LOT, but sometimes, whenever he needed a break from studying or whatever else, or when he just needed to think. Which had been quite often lately. “I just wish it wasn’t so cold.”

“I think it’s fine, why didn’t you wear more layers?” Niall joked, sounding a bit as if he was scolding Liam.

“I didn’t know I’d be going on a walk after uni.” But he didn’t mind it, not at all to be exact. 

“I did, clearly.” He laughed, and Liam felt himself smiling, having to admit though that he was a little jealous of Niall’s hoodie and his gloves. 

While they walked uphill, Niall pointed out a couple squirrels and a weird looking bird, seemingly enjoying himself and Liam saw his mission of distracting the other boy completed. Plus, being outside could have never been a bad idea, could it? 

“Are you looking forward to Christmas?” When Niall asked they had almost reached the top, and the few benches that were there, all of them empty. 

“A bit, maybe. I’m mostly looking forward to getting a break from uni, but I can imagine it gets crazy at the restaurant.” They didn’t have their schedule yet, but Liam had already handed in his preferences for the holidays, he just hoped that their boss was going to take them into consideration. 

“I guess, I wasn’t here for that last year and I won’t be here this year either.” Niall shrugged, and Liam felt his heart sinking a bit even though he had no idea why because it’s not like they would’ve seen each other either way, so like…

“Are you visiting your relatives?” It seemed obvious, and Niall nodded, sitting down on one of the benches, looking just a little bit exhausted. “Where do they live?”

“In a really small town, by the coast. All of my relatives that are still alive live there, it’s only my parents that moved away when I was like 12 or something.” That explained why he was always switching in and out of his accent, probably also because his relatives had just come to visit a while ago. 

“Did you want to leave?” A valid question, right? Because they surely weren’t in a small town in Ireland anymore.

“I don’t know, some days I did, some days I didn’t. We left anyways and I guess I lived myself in quite easily, but I love going back as well. It feels like a different world somehow, that’s nice sometimes.” Liam tried to understand how Niall must have felt, how he probably still felt, and how all of this fit into the timeline of him meeting his soulmate, but he didn’t wanna ask any uncomfortable questions. “I would have had to leave anyways, to go to uni and stuff, it’s too far away from bigger cities. And I don’t think I would’ve wanted to come here all by myself… you moved to a different city to go to uni, right? What was that like?”

“It sucked.” Liam shrugged, just saying it how it was, but he had still ended up staying for 4 years. “I pretty much went home every single weekend, so it was also really expensive. I’m happy I’m back here, I don’t think I’d wanna move for real.”

“Yeah… I try not to think about these things, it’s stressing me out a little.” He let out a nervous laugh that Liam could understand too well. Who wasn’t stressed out by the future? “I always thought my life would go completely differently when I was younger. I had it all planned out.”

“Really?” Was it appropriate to ask how? Probably not.

“Yeah. I mean, looking back I’m glad a lot of the things I wanted haven’t happened that way, but I’m also not super happy with the way things are now so there’s that.” Niall pulled the zipper of his jacket up higher because the wind seemed to have gotten colder somehow and Liam tried not to shiver too obviously but it was a little hard to resist. “Are you?”

“I mean… sometimes.” Or so. “It could be worse.”

“I feel like we already had that conversation.” They probably had, Liam wasn’t sure if he even still wanted to remember it because they had had a lot of dark conversations considering they didn’t even know each other for that long. “It could also be a lot better.”

“Sure, but that’s a terrible way to live if you can never be happy with what you have.” Liam was one to talk. 

“I know, but I can’t just make myself happy if I’m not.” They were back with the dark topics, and Niall was so right that Liam didn’t know what else to say, so they just ended up being quiet again.

It was really peaceful on that bench because the street was a bit further away, and no one else was going on a walk, it was just them and some birds and quiet noise in the far distance. Liam tried not to turn his head to look at Niall, but he still did a couple times, their eyes never meeting though because Niall seemed quite busy looking off at something else. 

“You know what’s really weird?” Niall started after a while, quietly, and Liam just waited for him to continue. “I always feel different when I’m around you.”

“How?” Was that good or bad? Or a lie?

“Not sure, just… different. Maybe because I know you understand me.” That sounded good, right? Although Liam had to admit, he immediately came up with different explanations, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to tell Niall, but he felt like he probably should have.

“I think I know why.” He started, this time feeling Niall’s stare at him but not returning it. “Usually when I’m around Harry and Louis it feels different than when I’m around people who have not met their soulmates, or aren’t with them. It feels like they’re pulled in a different direction, if you know what I mean, because they kind of _are_. It’s probably to ensure that we don’t end up with the wrong person. And since I don’t have a soulmate, I’m not being pulled anywhere, I’m fully here.”

“Maybe, it sounds logical.” Niall shrugged, but he did add onto it. “I’m not sure that’s what I feel though. But I suppose you’re right.”

Maybe it was because they had literally snogged, but obviously Liam was NOT going to say that right now. Or maybe it was just generally because he had broken this bond, he wouldn’t know what that felt like, maybe he should have asked somebody else how they felt around him. 

There was more silence, but not an uncomfortable one, and Liam started to wonder whether he’d now miss Niall whenever he went on walks by himself in this area, kinda hoping that this wasn’t the first and last time they did things like that. 

Maybe they would manage to become friends after all, the strangest friends ever, who never discussed their problems with each other because they both hated confrontation and who were both a mess trying to pretend they weren’t by giving each other stupid advice.

Sounded about right to Liam.

\------------------

Niall went MIA again after they their walk, which had lasted way too long and Liam ended up having around 2 hours to work on this uni project, and it showed quality wise, but whatever. He wasn’t surprised that Niall had become distant yet again, it was clearly his way of going through life, the only problem was that whenever they hung out and talked a lot about life and whatnot, Liam just couldn’t stop thinking about him and wishing they’d see each other again. Much like this time.

Only this time, Liam had somewhat gotten used to it and at least he knew that Niall was neither upset with him nor did he hate him, he just sometimes needed to be left alone for a little bit.

Didn’t mean that Liam didn’t feel an urge to text him, but he resisted it. He also stayed away from Zayn because Niall had clearly not let him know that he and Liam were actually on good terms, but it also didn’t really matter. He’d come around eventually, right? And if he didn’t then there was nothing Liam could have done anyways.

It was a Friday night, and Liam didn’t have to work which was really rare, but they had a lot of new people who needed training before the holidays, so it actually made sense. By the time Liam was walking home from uni it was already dark because it was 6 at night and in the middle of November and he regretted having left his gloves at home because he was an idiot.

He only took out his phone once he was on the bus because the temperature outside would have killed it immediately otherwise, and he was more than surprised to see a message from Niall amongst a few from Louis, having been sent only a couple minutes ago.

_Niall 18:01  
What are you doing tonight?_

It felt like a weird question to come from Niall, and Liam tried not to think about it as he answered that he was just going home from uni right now before also answering Louis in an attempt not to get too into his conversation with Niall. But the other boy seemed to have different plans.

_Niall 18:12  
Well if you get bored maybe you wanna see my place haha_

No idea why he had put the _haha_ in there, because now Liam wasn’t sure if it was a joke or not, but he definitely got way too nervous way too quickly, trying to keep it down though as he texted back, a little afraid it had been a joke after all.

_To Niall 18:12  
I am kinda bored_

He wasn’t really, and he wouldn’t have been because he was tired and he would have probably said no to anybody else had they asked him to go anywhere at all besides right home into his bed, but this was very different. Liam knew that Niall was kinda using him in some ways, to make himself feel better and have somebody to talk to that he could relate to, but even despite being aware of this, Liam could not bring himself to be anything but overjoyed when Niall simply sent him his address two minutes later, right with a full on description on how to get to the right building and that he could come right now if he felt like it.

It did sound a little desperate, and it worried Liam of course, which was only motivating him even more to actually go see Niall. Even though it was really random and quite spontaneous, something he wouldn’t have normally done, but here he was.

Niall didn’t live too far away from Liam, but he still had to switch busses and wait in the cold, which sadly gave him some time to actually start regretting his decision a little bit, especially because he didn’t even know what was going on with Niall. Maybe he just wanted to hang out after all, but that seemed even more far fetched than any other theories Liam came up with on his way to the other boy’s place. Or his uncle’s place more like.

When Liam pressed the bell downstairs, he suddenly wasn’t so sure anymore whether he had made the right decision or not, but it was too late by the time he entered the building, his nerves kicking in again as he walked up the stairs to the second floor. What was he even doing here?

It looked like an old building, really quiet and dark, but at least Niall already had the door unlocked by the time Liam reached it, almost having walked down the wrong hallway.

“Hi.” Niall looked excited, which was rare and a bit weird to be honest, seeing him smiling like that, actually reaching out to briefly hug Liam as if they were visiting each other all the time. 

“Hi. Um, thanks for inviting me.” What else was he supposed to say? Right now it really did look like Niall had just wanted him to come hang out with him, immediately stepping back to let Liam enter. “I almost walked past the building twice.”

“Sorry, my description was probably really bad.” He laughed, closing the door after Liam had entered the apartment, looking around a bit but trying not to do it too obviously. It wasn’t rude though to be interested, right? He had never been here after all.

“It was alright.” Liam lied, not wanting to be mean or anything. The place looked rather big for a student, but considering Niall wasn’t paying rent it made sense. “You’ve got a really nice place.”

“Thanks.” Niall shrugged, apparently not wanting to talk about it. “Did you come straight from uni?”

“Yeah, it would’ve taken me ages to go home and then come here.” Maybe not, but what would Liam have done at home anyways that he couldn’t have done on the weekend? “Did you have classes today?”

“Only one in the morning, I used the time to study but now I’m just really over it. Do you want anything to drink?” Liam followed Niall wordlessly, not really knowing what to say so he just said yes, expecting to get water or whatever, but almost as soon as they entered the living room and Liam saw the muted TV, all the snacks and the bottle on the couch table, everything immediately made click in his head. “I’ve also got something else.”

“No, that’s fine.” Liam heard himself say, not sure when he had decided to drink with Niall yet again, but here they were. At least it was just beer, and Niall did seem completely sober for now.

They ended up on his couch, Liam did not want to know how much Niall had had to drink prior to him coming here, so he also didn’t ask, simply let himself relax a little, pretending that they were just friends catching up, that there was nothing more to it. And maybe there wasn’t, because when Niall started talking and asking about random things, it felt really normal.

“I’ve not eaten anything normal all day. Have you?” About an hour had passed, and Niall had gotten his second beer from the kitchen since Liam had arrived, and he had also gone over to half lying down on his couch, the volume of the TV unmuted now but really quiet so it was just a background noise.

“In the morning, yeah.” And a few things in between, but Liam did have to admit that he was really getting hungry despite all the candy Niall had offered him. 

“We should order something, I’ll get my laptop.” He seemed very excited, having left the room before Liam had even replied, but he wasn’t going to complain because it did sound like a good idea. And he almost never ordered food, unless he was with Louis and Harry. “Sorry, I’ve got zero food in my fridge right now, you don’t mind, right?”

“Not at all.” Liam assured Niall once he was back, sitting down a bit closer to him this time so he could see the screen as well. “I’m not sure if I’ve got any money with me though, I usually pay by card and-“

“Don’t worry, I’m paying with my card anyways, I don’t like interacting with the delivery guys.” He said it all casual, but Liam really got it. “It’s almost worse than calling the place and I- oh wait, what do you want?”

So they decided on what they wanted and Liam did notice that Niall went a little wild, but he decided not to speak up, offering multiple times that he could transfer Niall half the money right now if he told him his bank details, but the other boy simply refused, getting Liam another beer, maybe to shut him up.

The conversations they were having while waiting felt natural, Liam took some time to text his mother that he would most likely only be home really late just so she wouldn’t get worried and he couldn’t help but think that this right here was even a little nicer than when he was at Harry’s and Louis’ place. Maybe because it was just him and Niall.

Niall insisted they shared everything once the food did arrive and he barely interacted with the guy who delivered it, staying true to his word, which did feel a little weird to Liam honestly, but he didn’t question it for too long. He definitely felt a little tipsy after drinking so much, and especially once Niall brought out the wine, but he also didn’t even think twice either.

“Is Zayn already talking to you again?” Niall asked after swallowing, he was eating really fast, faster than Liam for sure. 

“No, he’s pretending I don’t exist, I think.” At least it felt like it, but Liam had only seen him once since he had gone on that walk with Niall. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t talk to him again because I didn’t know what to tell him.” The other boy admitted, looking quite guilty about it and refusing to look Liam in the eyes. “I’ll talk to him on the weekend.”

“You don’t have to, he’ll come around.” Maybe, it wasn’t really on Liam’s mind that much. 

“It’s my fault though, because I was acting like a baby and now you have to pay for it.” Liam would have loved to know what exactly Niall had said to Zayn about him, but he would have most likely regretted it because it would have surely hurt his feelings, even knowing that Niall had clearly only acted out of impulse. “And nothing I said was true.”

“He’s your friend so I understand he’s on your side and I also understand that you were upset. I shouldn’t have left.” He could only say it this openly because he had been drinking, but whatever. “We should have talked about it.”

“I wouldn’t have wanted to, especially not in front of everyone.” Niall admitted, hesitating a moment before eating even more, maybe so he wouldn’t have to say anything else and Liam just watched him for a bit, his thoughts drifting off for just a moment.

“Why’d you ask me to come hang out?” Liam blurted out without thinking it through, but he had reached a state where he wasn’t embarrassed anymore and he had been wondering ever since Niall had sent him that text before.

It made the other boy go quiet, clearly surprised by the question, and he was looking down into the pizza carton upon answering. “I didn’t wanna spend the entire night alone, it’s Friday and stuff.”

“Okay.” It didn’t sound too truthful if Liam was being honest, but he decided to overlook it because it was clear Niall wasn’t comfortable talking about it. Maybe he hadn’t been feeling well, maybe god knows what had happened, who was Liam to judge, he spent most Friday nights alone. “Why’d you order so much dessert?”

“I like dessert, and it’s only 8 and I want leftovers.” I mean, how could have anyone argued with that? “And I might need a midnight snack or something.”

Liam had to laugh, because Niall had sounded so damn serious, but also because he was just so likeable that it was really hard not to well, _like_ him. Especially after everything that had happened between them despite them not knowing each other for very long. At times Liam felt as if he knew way too much about Niall in some aspects, but then not at all in others that would have seemed more normal for getting to know somebody.

It was strange, absolutely everything between them, but Liam couldn’t really compare it to anything he had experienced before because things like this never happened to him.

Of course they kept eating, but when they were full they also kept drinking, and somewhere in the back of Liam’s mind did he know where this was leading, and he knew that Niall knew as well, that maybe it had been his intention, just a little. Despite that knowledge and that feeling in the depth of his stomach, Liam did nothing at all to stop it, or stop himself more like, telling himself that once he was drunk enough, maybe he’d stop caring about the morning after.

“Do you wanna see something?” Niall had brought out the harder stuff by now, and Liam’s head was spinning a little, quite impressed though that Niall could still walk straight as he simply nodded, watching the younger boy across the living room as he rummaged through his shelf. “I was looking through it before you came and then I just stuck it somewhere and- oh.”

“What is it?” Liam had to put his glass away, a little afraid he’d end up where he had at that party. 

Niall returned with a photo album, letting himself fall onto the couch again, but this time so close to Liam that their thighs were pressed together. In the state of mind Liam was in, he didn’t really even think about it though.

“I just thought ‘cos I told you about it when we went on that walk.” The other boy explained without really explaining anything, but Liam got it the moment he opened the photo album, keeping it on his lap but almost in Liam’s as well. 

It was a lot of childhood pictures of Niall, and his family, and the town he had grown up in, and Liam was drunk so he couldn’t concentrate too well and Niall was going quite fast, but he also got a little more emotional than he would have had they had nothing at all to drink beforehand.

“That was actually right before we left, and we didn’t come back to visit for at least 3 months or so, it was really sad. I always helped out at the bed and breakfast, sometimes also during the summer until two years or so ago. I used to think that’s how I got the job at the restaurant.” Niall explained, a picture of him with some relatives in front of some building that was probably the bed and breakfast he was talking about.

“And then they hired me.” Liam joked, having to laugh at himself for a moment and Niall joined, only momentarily though before he sighed, moving his thumb over one of the pictures in the corner of the page.

“You’re doing good.” Niall encouraged him for a moment, but he was clearly thinking about other stuff. “It’s really strange… I never enjoyed working there as much as I did in my memory. It’s like the moment we left suddenly I forgot about all the bad things.”

“I think that’s quite normal, we tend to only remember the good stuff, especially when we’re going through a rough patch.” Liam basically cited the explanation from memory, and he saw Niall rolling his eyes, but then he smiled as he turned his head to look at Liam.

“At least I’m not gonna die without ever having kissed anybody, that was always my worst fear when we left because I had to leave my first crush behind.” Not the thing Liam would have preferred to hear, but he was drunk so it was whatever.

“Did she like you back?” Liam knew it had been a girl because he knew Niall wasn’t into guys, so he wasn’t even considering it and he didn’t get corrected.

“Nope.” Niall let out a laugh, leaning back against the couch, not flipping the page of the photo album. “No one ever did. Not that I know of at least, everyone was always too obsessed with this soulmate shit.”

Liam nodded, because he had made the exact same experience, and he turned his head for a moment, staring at the TV without actually watching it, not quite sure what to say to this.

“Everyone except you.” The other boy continued out of nowhere, and when Liam looked at him, their eyes locked immediately. 

They were really close, they had had to be to both be able to look at the photo album, but Liam only started to really take notice of it now, the way Niall’s thigh was pressing into his, and his arm, how he could almost feel his breath against his skin when the other boy leaned in even closer.

There was just a moment where neither of them did anything, didn’t even dare to move, they were just staring and then before Liam knew it, Niall had put the photo album on the couch table, somewhere between all the food, and leaned in so close that Liam let his eyes fall shut, just waiting for what was inevitable now.

He didn’t know if Niall had asked him to come for this, whether he had made Liam drunk so he’d play along, whether Liam was just a distraction or a rebound for somebody Niall had never even met. He just knew that no matter the reason, he wasn’t going to resist the second Niall’s lips were locked with his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys :)
> 
> thank you for all the lovely comments on the last chapter & i hope you all had a great week <3 i hope you enjoyed this chapter as well, im trying my best to keep the kinda fast pace of the story because i actually enjoy writing it that way much more than always dragging things out haha!
> 
> let me know your thoughts if you want as always :D <3 hope youll have a great week! im actually going to london next weekend to meet liam at his signing on sunday so im gonna let you guys know how it went haha!


	5. Chapter 5

“Is this a good idea?“ Niall interrupted the kiss just to ask this, and Liam had to laugh, mostly because he was drunk though. 

“No.” It really wasn’t, and yet he leaned back in immediately and the other boy didn’t resist for just a second.

Liam was definitely a lot more _there_ than last time, mentally speaking, because he had had less to drink, but he was tipsy enough to ignore every last single worry in the back of his head. Kissing Niall wasn’t mind blowing, it wasn’t pure magic and it gave Liam five butterflies at most, but it felt good and it was really comfortable, and easy, and he could have done this for the rest of the night for sure. Actually, screw that, they could have done this for as long as they felt like.

Niall was equally as eager as Liam, maybe a little more even, because he immediately went to deepen the kiss again, still using too much tongue but it was alright, it definitely wasn’t bad, and who was Liam to judge someone else’s kissing skills anyways? 

Liam barely even took notice of Niall’s hand suddenly on the side of his neck because he was much more focused on the way the other boy tasted, how his lips and tongue felt against his own. The couch wasn’t all too big, and they were kinda sitting in an awkward position to be making out for a very long time, so Liam blamed it on that when he started pushing Niall back a bit, softly of course. 

Or maybe he actually didn’t need to blame it on anything at all, because they were tipsy and Niall was laughing when he broke the kiss to let himself fall on his back, pulling Liam with him though until he was basically on top of him. Liam was definitely having pretty severe heart palpitations as he was looking down at Niall, feeling his body against his own. He had never gone this far with anyone, and to be quite honest, at times in his life he had doubted whether things like that would ever actually happen to him.

And now that they were, it was in such a different setting and scenario, with a completely different person than he would have ever been able to imagine. 

It didn’t feel the same when they were kissing again in this position, but Niall was holding on so tightly to Liam that there was no doubt whether he was enjoying himself or not. Somehow it felt more intimate lying down, being so close to one another physically when they weren’t even that close as friends. None of that really mattered right now though, and it probably wouldn’t matter at any time in the future either.

When they broke apart, Liam kept his eyes closed for another moment, feeling Niall’s rigid breath mixing with his own, the other’s thumb rubbing over his ear as Liam held his weight on his arms so he wouldn’t crush Niall underneath him. The TV was still on in the background, really quietly though, and Liam was distracted for just a moment, feeling a little more sober after all the snogging. 

“This is weird… “ Niall whispered, but at the same time he was also running his fingers through Liam’s hair and Liam slowly blinked his eyes open. 

“What is?” He asked back, slightly nervous but at the same time not caring all too much. He would definitely worry about this tomorrow though, as he would about every single thing that had been done or said tonight. 

“All of this… never thought I’d do this. With anyone.” He sounded thoughtful, but then he let out a very quick laugh. “With another guy.”

“Yeah… “ Was all Liam could say to that, clearing his throat a bit, his head starting to make him feel dizzy as he sat up without thinking about it.

“Wait, wait.” Niall almost immediately started to panic, sitting up with Liam but keeping his hand on the back of his head, kissing him again, much shorter this time. “Do you wanna stop?”

“I don’t know.” Liam admitted, not quite knowing what was actually wrong with him, it’s just… yeah, he had been drinking, but not enough as to where he couldn’t think anymore about what Niall had said. About what they were actually doing here. “Did you ask me to come just for this?”

The other boy stayed quiet for a moment, slowly letting his hand slip until they weren’t touching anymore, licking his lips briefly. “What if- what if I did?”

“I don’t know.” Again, what did Liam even know anymore at this point? It’s not like he hadn’t already had suspicions, especially when the alcohol had come out, and yet he had gone right along with it, not even thinking twice. Maybe not even once, actually. 

“Did you hate it?” Niall kept pushing, looking a bit alarmed for the few seconds before Liam was shaking his head. He had loved it, but there was no need to say that. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” Truly, for what? It’s not like Liam hadn’t wanted it as well, still did, actually, he was just confused and a little hurt and he couldn’t quite deal with it right now in the state he was in.

“I thought you wanted to as well.” He had, but probably for different reasons, reasons that Liam couldn’t put into words though because he refused to admit them to himself.

“I do- I did.” Liam shrugged, not quite knowing what to say now, because he also didn’t wanna leave, he wanted to spend time with Niall and they had had fun and the kissing had been good also, it was just… this one thing that bothered Liam. And if he didn’t ask it now while he was a bit drunk then he would never have the courage to sober. “What if we hadn’t done this?”

“We could’ve done something else.” Niall told him immediately, which made Liam feel better on an instant. “I like talking to you too.”

“Okay.” Then Liam had no choice but to believe Niall for the given moment, he also didn’t really wanna get into it right now because their conversation would have probably only gotten way too emotional than appropriate right now, or ever. He had just been worried that maybe Niall actually disliked him as a person, but saw an opportunity in him to try out everything he had felt he was missing out on.

Or to practice, just in case he would meet his soulmate again after all, as mean as that sounded, it had crossed Liam’s mind more than just once.

It was a little bit awkward for a moment, but then Niall loudly announced that he was now really happy that he had ordered so much dessert, and he continued eating as if nothing at all had even happened, giving Liam a chance to relax a little.

They did keep on drinking after this, because now Liam _really_ needed it, and he had no idea how late it had gotten by the time they had turned on some talent show on TV and Niall was convinced he could have out-sung every single contestant while Liam had tears in his eyes from laughter. It was definitely a whole lot later by the time Niall had his head in Liam’s lap, struggling to stay awake.

“I don’t think you can go home tonight.” Niall told him with his eyes closed, and Liam was shamelessly staring at him because the other boy would have never even known. 

“It’s Friday, the busses are running all n-“

“Yeah, but I don’t want you to.” He interrupted, and as stupid as it was, it definitely made Liam happy. “My bed is really big anyways.”

Niall wasn’t giving Liam a choice, he also convinced him that they were too tired to put away any leftovers, he barely even managed to turn off the TV. Liam just followed Niall in the other room, needing the bathroom though and while he was in there, he tried to sober up a little, but it had become obvious that that wasn’t going to happen anymore tonight.

Niall had only been wearing sweatpants and a shirt all along, so he had simply gotten into his bed, and Liam ignored that he was wearing normal clothes because it was honestly his last concern. The bed really was big, and Liam was exhausted, so when Niall moved closer after he had lied down, he didn’t even think anything of it.

“Can I kiss you just one more time?” The other boy asked and Liam nodded with his eyes already closed, feeling Niall’s lips pressing against his just a moment later. “I always wanted to do that.”

“What?” Liam half whispered because he was tired and the lights were already turned off as well, but Niall still hadn’t moved back to the other side of the bed, still more in the middle.

“Not go to sleep by myself.” It sounded really sad, and Liam would have felt pathetic had he been the one to say that out loud, but now it only made his heart sink. As if they weren’t in the same exact position.

“Same.” He said it quietly, as if that would somehow make it less embarrassing, but he was also tired and drunk, so hopefully they would have forgotten all about this tomorrow morning. 

Niall kept rambling on next to Liam, about the most random things, and Liam made some noises of agreement once a while until he was too close to falling asleep to keep it up. 

If they were going to drink this much every time they saw each other now then Liam definitely needed to re-think a few of his life choices.

\---------------------

Liam’s headache wasn’t as bad this time when he woke up in the morning, or better the afternoon because obviously neither of them had thought of an alarm. He still felt gross and sweaty and uncomfortable because he had been wearing jeans the entire night. It was super hot in the room, the sun was shining directly into Liam’s face as well, and to make matters worse, he was fully covered with parts of the blanket.

At first, Liam didn’t know where he was, or what had happened, but it all immediately came back as he slowly looked around the room, and then became aware of the body next to him, Niall’s face smushed against his upper arm, breathing unevenly and quite loud, actually. His first instinct was to move away, but Liam stayed still in the end, trying to sort out his thoughts first.

Unlike the party, he could remember absolutely everything about last night, every conversation, every touch and every kiss, and it truly made him wanna groan in frustration. He didn’t though, for the sake of Niall’s sleep. At least nothing more had happened, they had just been snogging a few times and overall, they had had a good time. Right?

So what was really so bad about it in the end? Sadly, Liam could have thought of around 30 things on an instant. 

He didn’t move for a really long time, or so it felt like at least, except to move the arm Niall wasn’t kind of occupying across his face to block out the sun. It might have been early morning, it could have also been afternoon, but at least not later than 4 because the sun would have already been setting again. And Liam’s mother would have called the police. Twice.

This was always what Niall had hated about sleepovers as a child, the few occasions where he had had one, waking up before the other person, both at his own place and at theirs. It was just… he couldn’t leave, he couldn’t get up, but he also couldn’t just wake Niall, could he? But god, what if he slept for another few hours?!

In the end, Liam did try moving a bit, but it didn’t really do anything, so he had to get creative. And creative in this case meant desperate as he took the book on Niall’s bedside table and pushed it to the floor without thinking twice. The noise it made even scared Liam himself.

“What’s that?!” Niall had woken up on an instant, already having pushed himself up on his elbow, eyes wide open, a print of the messed up sheets on the side of his face. 

“Sorry, I accidentally pushed that book on the floor.” Liam apologized, feeling himself getting embarrassed though. Not because of the book but because they were both here, awake, in Niall’s bed, and after everything that had happened last night.

When their eyes met, Niall seemed to be thinking the exact same thoughts. And it wasn’t good things, that was for sure, because it both just made them go quiet. At least this time Liam hadn’t just gone and left, although right now he wasn’t sure if maybe he wouldn’t have preferred that instead of any kind of confrontation whatsoever. 

They were still terribly close to be having this moment, in Niall’s bed, but there was nothing to change about that because everything had already happened, so this was really the most normal part of it all.

“This is awkward.” Niall was finally the one who was brave enough to speak up, he had fully sat up by now and Liam had kinda done the same, bringing a bit more distance between them in hopes that it would help with his nerves. It didn’t.

“A bit.” He agreed after a moment, just nodding to himself like an idiot, looking down at his hands and wondering whether he also smelled as bad as he felt. Not that it would have made a difference still. 

“Maybe… “ The other boy started before breaking off to clear his throat, and Liam did look at him but it almost immediately made him blush. “Maybe we can just pretend we had a sleepover because we were bored. And we’ll just go have breakfast and not talk about it.”

Sounded like a really terrible way of coping with what had happened, so naturally, Liam agreed immediately. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Niall asked again, sounding very hopeful now when Liam nodded, wishing he could have forced his heart to slow down, but sadly, he had no influence on that. 

They sat in awkward silence for another moment and then all of a sudden, it seemed as if Niall was a completely different person, or at least not the one who had spent last night with Liam.

“I need a shower. You can take one as well if you want, I’ve got extra towels. You’d probably also fit into my shirts. Actually, I’ll just go get you some stuff.” And then he had left the bed before Liam could have answered, raiding his closet across the room and then his bathroom as well in search for towels while Liam just watched him like a creep, not knowing what to say.

While Niall was in the shower himself, Liam went on a search for his phone, finding it with no charge left and because he didn’t just wanna go through Niall’s stuff, he had to wait until the other boy returned to plug it in somewhere. Instead, Liam took it upon himself to try and clean Niall’s living room, at least throw away food leftovers that had clearly gone bad overnight, and carry empty bottles and dishes into the kitchen, because they couldn’t just have breakfast and add to this chaos, could they?

“You didn’t have to do that.” Apparently Niall thought differently.

“It’s fine, I didn’t mind. Do you have a charger?” Liam asked as soon as Niall had returned with wet hair, handing the other boy his phone as he nodded.

Taking a shower in Niall’s bathroom was slightly strange, but Liam tried not to think about it too much. Also not about wearing Niall’s shirt because he was just so relieved about being able to take off his own and not be terrified anymore of smelling disgustingly bad. Just a little bit probably, but whatever, the whole place smelled of food from last night anyways.

“I don’t have a lot for breakfast, I was supposed to go grocery shopping yesterday.” Niall admitted as soon as Liam had come back, wordlessly standing next to him to help dry off the dishes Niall had been washing up. “And then I didn’t.”

“I figured.” Liam joked, just wanting this situation to not be weird anymore. “Why?”

“I didn’t wanna leave the apartment.” He shrugged, and Liam really got it if he was being perfectly honest. “There’s too many people who go grocery shopping on Friday’s and I had to study anyways and then it was already dark and it’s freezing outside, so.”

“You don’t have to find excuses, I get it.” Probably more than anything else. “I’m not very hungry either.”

“I’ve got like, bananas, and plain toast.” Niall offered, which made Liam shrug because why not?

“Maybe we should clean up first. We’re almost done anyways.” So that’s what they did, Niall seemed happy that Liam was helping him and Liam was just glad that he wasn’t feeling like complete trash anymore after that shower. 

When they were done, Niall sat on the counter next to the fridge, eating a banana while Liam sat by the table, doing the same and trying not to pull a face because of how mushy it tasted. Their conversations definitely didn’t feel natural anymore, but Liam had no idea how to change that, so he just didn’t say anything at all.

“Do you want chocolate milk?” Niall suddenly asked out of nowhere, as if he had just remembered he had some. He didn’t hop off the counter because he was next to the fridge anyways, simply stretching a bit to open it, and before Liam had answered or decided, Niall had already thrown him over a small carton, almost letting it drop to the floor. “Now I really gotta go grocery shopping.”

Liam almost asked whether he needed help, but thank god he didn’t and just nodded instead, feeling a little bad for Niall. But also for himself, because why not. 

“Your phone’s turned back on.” Niall announced after a look next to him on the counter, but Liam just shrugged, the urge to go and check it already having left again. He already knew that it was probably only his mother who had texted him, asking why he hadn’t come home. Although, maybe she hadn’t, because he was an adult after all, and it was Saturday and anyways, it was whatever. “Are you gonna tell anyone?”

“What?” Liam had been lost in thoughts for a second, he had also been under the impression that they had agreed not to talk about what had happened. “Oh. I don’t think so.”

“Okay.” The other boy nodded, seemingly relieved. “I won’t either. I mean, I could only really tell Zayn, but… “

“He’d probably yell at you for even still talking to me.” Which would have honestly been quite understandable.

“You did stay today, so he’d have nothing to complain about.” Niall joked, breaking the tension just a little bit. “It’d be okay if you told Louis.”

“Yeah, I probably won’t.” What would Liam have even said? It would have only sparked a conversation he definitely wasn’t ready to have. Not with Louis and not even with himself. “We can just forget about it, like you said.”

“Sounds good.” It really did not.

Liam stayed for a little bit longer, because Niall kept talking about something, and then he made Liam wait until he had gotten dressed as well and written a whole ass grocery list just so they could walk downstairs together. It was freezing cold outside, and by now Liam had also found out how late it was and that he had gotten exactly zero messages since last night. So yeah.

He said goodbye to Niall at the corner of the street, not knowing whether he wanted to hug him or not and it just ended up being a really awkward side hug that haunted Liam for the rest of the day. Or what was left of it, because when he got home the sun was already setting again, and sadly, he wasn’t tired enough to go to sleep that night at a normal hour.

As usual.

\---------------------

They didn’t talk or text for two days, which felt a bit like torture, but Liam had been expecting it, so it wasn’t too bad. He was almost bursting every time he talked to Louis though, but then ended up not mentioning Niall just once. The reason for that was that although Liam would have normally not been able to keep a secret like this, he didn’t want his friend to start asking him deeper questions. So even though it was killing Liam, he was keeping his mouth shut tight.

Also when his mother had one of those moments on Sunday where she questioned whether Liam would ever find a normal job or his soulmate or have kids. It used to really stress Liam out to hear her talking this way, like genuinely freaking out over it, but he had completely different problems right now and for the first time ever, he was almost grateful for them. At least they distracted him from other problems he hadn’t wanted to deal with in years, like letting his mother know why exactly she was 100% right about him not ever finding a soulmate. 

Liam had reached a stage though where he needed to take a step back and try not to care so much or he would have literally lost his mind.

Apparently, that was also how Niall felt when he blew Liam’s phone up Tuesday night while he had been in class, completely losing his cool over this exam he had failed, so needless to say, Liam did not hesitate going to Niall’s place yet again without questioning why he was the chosen one again. Even for everyday problems like failures at university.

“Hi, are you-“

Liam got cut off the second he had entered the apartment because Niall had simply wrapped his arms around his neck, so Liam hugged him back automatically, feeling the other boy’s body shaking a little in his arms. Okay, this wasn’t good.

“You can re-take the exam, it’s going to be fine, I know it sucks and I know it feels, but it’s not the end of the world, okay? What was i-“

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Niall interrupted without loosening his arms though, so Liam simply closed his mouth, feeling a little helpless but also insensitive.

They just stood there, in Niall’s entry way, hugging each other for so long that Liam’s legs and arms were starting to get weak, and when they did pull apart, Niall didn’t take a step back, only lowered his arms a bit, looking Liam directly into the eyes.

And then he basically just burst out crying, and Liam didn’t know what to say, he was just staring like a fucking idiot. Needless to say, he did not reject Niall when the other boy kissed him, completely sober for the first time but also clearly not in the best state of mind.

Liam was aware of this, also painfully so of the fact that he had yet again another confirmation as to why Niall had asked _him_ to come out of all people. And yet he still didn’t pull away and went right with it, because Niall WAS crying, so he couldn’t have made up that exam story just to get Liam to come over and feel sorry for him. Right?

The problem wasn’t Niall’s ups and downs and him ignoring Liam and then texting him 10 times in a row, it wasn’t even the kissing or the fact that he asked Liam to come over _two more_ times after that, and each time ended the exact same. With them making out, and then pretending it had never really happened because they had again been drunk for it all except that one time. The problem was that Liam wasn’t sure anymore what he wanted, or what he felt, whether he liked guys or not, whether he even wanted to continue doing this. But he also didn’t wanna stop.

They never talked it out, and no one ever really spoke their mind on the matter, so after those two weeks, having been at Niall’s place a total of 5 times, Liam was both worried that he was going to get alcohol poisoning but also that he was going to lose his mind if he didn’t tell anybody.

So of course he was a wreck after they didn’t talk to each other for longer than normally, despite Liam trying to reach out multiple times.

\-------------------------

Liam didn’t know why he had let Louis drag him out, maybe because he wasn’t doing too great and needed some distraction, maybe because he was an idiot and had forgotten how every other time had ended going out with Harry and Louis. He did remember it again at an instant though, pretty much the moment Louis started drinking.

“Why aren’t you having anything?” The other two were understandably confused, would have been even more had they known about Liam’s drinking habits the past few weeks.

“I just don’t feel like it.” Liam shrugged, only having ordered water, and at least Harry was actually having tea next to him so he hadn’t gone for the least ordered item in this bar. Then again, it wasn’t really that kinda bar anyways, mostly just for people catching up after work and then looking to be in bed by midnight. That was also where Liam would have liked to be. “Did you already put up your Christmas tree?”

“Not yet. But we will this weekend, we were just really busy.” Well, Liam couldn’t relate but he just nodded anyways. “Did Louis show you the ornaments we got? They’re so cool.”

So then Liam was being forced to look at fifteen pictures of Christmas ornaments, and yeah, they WERE pretty, but it was getting a bit much considering the time. Also, it only reminded Liam of how much Christmas was almost completely ignored in his family, he had long stopped going to visit his relatives, he usually just spent some time with his mother and one of his sisters who didn’t have a family yet either. 

They talked some more about life and whatnot, and Liam was trying not to check the time too often, but it was getting late and he was really tired. So when Louis suddenly waved somebody over to where they were sitting, Liam already wanted to groan on the inside, even more so when he realized who it was.

“Hi, Zayn! Haven’t seen you in ages.” Louis of course did not know what was going on with Liam and Zayn, the fact that they still weren’t talking to each other despite Liam regularly snogging Niall at his apartment. Then again, Zayn didn’t know about that either.

“Hi, guys. I was actually just about to leave, I-“

“How are you doing?” Louis didn’t miss a beat, didn’t even let him finish, and Liam tried to put a neutral expression on his face, but he was worried it wasn’t working too well judging by Harry’s stare. “We’ve still not gotten sick of your painting yet.”

“That’s a first.” Zayn joked, looking uncomfortable actually, but maybe he was hoping to be hired again so he did sit down when Louis made space for him, right opposite Liam. Okay, this was a little shameless if Liam was being honest. 

The thing was, Louis probably believed that Liam had talked it all out with Niall, and that Zayn had never cared, because that was kinda what Liam had told him. Not in that many details because he hadn’t wanted to lie so much, but something along these lines. So he couldn’t even blame his friend for doing what he was doing right now.

It just was a little unclear to Liam what Zayn thought he was getting out of this.

The conversation was very one-sided, Harry did say something once a while and Liam just stayed quiet even though he was aware that it came across as a little weird. He would have loved to text Niall right to tell him about this, but Niall had been ignoring him for way too long now for Liam to text him _again_. This was just a freaking mess.

“I was thinking maybe we should check out that restaurant sometime.” When Louis said that, Liam wanted to actually disappear in the ground. 

“Don’t do it over Christmas time, it’s madness right now. Especially because we’ve got so many new people who still need training and so many people are on vacation.” Well, Liam and Zayn certainly weren’t. “This new guy last week messed up twelve orders in a week. Twelve.”

“That only makes me wanna go more, I never know what to order anyways.” Louis was joking but Liam and Harry both knew that he was still speaking the truth. It was sometimes a dread to go anywhere with him because of that as well. “And I’ll give you good tip as well, because I’m rich and all, you know, as a teacher.”

“I can imagine.” Why were they getting along so well and why couldn’t Liam stop being annoyed by it? 

“You guys just gotta let me know when you’re working so I can judge your waiter skills. Or maybe Niall’s as well.” On an instant, Liam felt his cheeks getting hot and his heart speeding up, just hearing his name, like, had that really been necessary?! 

“Niall won’t be back until after Christmas anyways.” Wait, what?

“Where is he?” Liam blurted out, like the fucking idiot he was, and Louis raised an eyebrow at him while Zayn just seemed confused for a moment, apparently having forgotten that Liam even existed. 

“He’s always visiting his relatives over Christmas.” And he hadn’t thought of telling Liam that?! Not even a quick text like _I’m leaving the country btw, lol_, like what?! “They live in-“

“Ireland, I know.” Liam interrupted, a little upset that Zayn would assume he didn’t already know that. Apparently though, that only made him look even more suspicious. “I thought there’s a ban from taking vacation days in December.”

“There is, but Niall talked to the boss and we’ve got way too many new people who need training anyways.” Zayn was now talking to him in the most patronizing way and it was bothering Liam to no end, because what the fuck? “Why?”

“Why what?” Liam gave up, trying to keep it together, not let it show that it was bothering him.

“Why do you care?” Okay, that was enough, if Zayn was asking for it…

“So you can decide what I’m allowed to care about?” They were going to start fighting, Liam could feel it, but he didn’t care, he was already so worked up that he was shaking a bit, doing his best to hide it though. 

“I never said that.” Zayn shrugged, looking so arrogant while doing so though that Liam almost completely lost it. Yeah, he had anger issues sometimes, but that was nothing new. “I was genuinely curious.”

“Yeah right.” Liam wasn’t going to calm down and he knew it, so he did the only responsible thing he had done the past few weeks, and that was removing himself from the situation before it escalated. “I need some air.”

“Liam, what-“

Louis tried to stop him, but he wasn’t fast enough, so Liam simply took his jacket and left the bar, honestly considering going straight home, but instead he actually tried to get some air, calm down a little maybe. It was really cold, probably cold enough for it to snow, and Liam watched his own breath as he shivered, staring at a few cars driving by, people walking on the other side of the street.

It was quite ironic really, they were so close to the aquarium, in some bar they had never even been in, and Louis had been the one to pick it although he had never done that before. And now Zayn had had to show up, out of all bloody people. Maybe Liam should have really just gone home at this point.

“You really have issues talking things out, don’t you?” Of course it was Zayn who had had to come after Liam, lightning himself a cigarette as he went to stand next to him. Had Liam not been so bloody cold, he might have come up with a comeback. “I wasn’t trying to upset you.”

“That just sounded very different.” VERY. 

“Sorry.” Zayn shrugged, apparently not caring, also not about the fact that they actually weren’t even on friendly terms anymore. “Niall told me you guys are all good again.”

“So?” He had? 

“So I was wondering what is actually going on between the two of you. Niall kept it really short, I know he made up some parts.” Most likely, but why did Liam have to deal with this now? At least his face couldn’t have gotten any redder than it already was from the cold, so that was something. 

“What part?” Liam was a little curious, he hadn’t known Niall had really talked to Zayn because they had never talked about it again. They hadn’t done a lot of talking in general, much less in a sober state.

“He said you texted him and apologized and then you met up and talked it out and now you’re friends? And you always eat together at uni or something?” Well, they HAD met up and talked it out, and they had also eaten together, but… Niall was a bad liar, wasn’t he?

“And?” Liam wasn’t going to expose Niall now, although he was definitely upset with the other boy as well for ignoring him for so long while leaving for a whole other country in the midst of all this.

“So it’s all true?” Zayn had his eyebrows pulled up, and Liam just nodded because he was a bad liar also. “Why did you just leave after the party?”

“I wanted to go home?” What more explanation did he need? “Niall was asleep.”

“You could have texted him in the morning or-“

“I did text him, I apologized, he even told you that I did. Why are you so obsessed with this whole thing? It didn’t even involve you.” Liam understood that he was protecting Niall, trying not to let him get hurt, but like, it’s not as if Liam wasn’t getting hurt as well even though he didn’t wanna admit it.

There was silence between them, apparently Zayn didn’t know what to say anymore, so he just stood there smoking and Liam made sure to cough a bit over dramatically so he’d know how much the smoke was bothering him. “Niall knows you broke your soulmate bond, right?”

“Yeah, why?” Liam knew why, but he needed to show Zayn that he wasn’t really in the mood to talk about this right now.

“And he told you about himself as well?” There had been the slightest bit of hesitation, probably Zayn not wanting to give too much away in case Liam had no idea.

“He did. Why’s it matter now?” It mattered a whole lot, so much that it made Liam’s stomach twist into knots as he avoided Zayn’s eyes, just staring across the street again.

More silence, and then it seemed Zayn was _finally_ saying what he was really thinking. “How’d you break your bond?”

“Why’d I tell you?” Honestly? After all this shit?

“Did you tell Niall?” Now Zayn sounded almost worried, and Liam started to understand, but he was still upset with Zayn.

“No. Why?” He was playing dumb now, because according to Niall Zayn had no idea how he actually felt about it all, in what state he was really in mentally, but maybe his friend was catching on after all.

“No reason.” Right. “… do you talk about this a lot with him? Like, soulmates and stuff?”

“I mean, my chances of ever meeting my soulmate are literally zero. And his aren’t very good either, so… “ Liam shrugged, suddenly wondering whether he could have used this conversation to his advantage as well. “Why?”

“I was just wondering. Since you guys can kind of relate to each other in that sense.” Zayn shrugged, pretending as if he didn’t even care, which was just slightly frustrating to Liam so he refused to answer just to see what the other boy would say. “Just weird he didn’t tell you where he went if you’re friends now.”

“_He_ said we’re friends, I don’t know why he didn’t tell me.” Seriously, what was Zayn even trying to do here? “He just needs his space sometimes.”

“He really does.” So at least Niall wasn’t just ghosting Liam the whole time, that was a little bit of a relief. “So you do wanna be his friend?”

“Yeah?” Liam tried to make it sound as if he hadn’t ever questioned it himself, as if he was 100% certain of it. He did wanna be Niall’s friend, but he wasn’t sure how that’d work out after everything that had happened. “Why are you asking me all these questions? We’re not children.”

“I know, but I’m worried. And Niall was really upset after this party and I got worried that maybe you made him do something and-“

“He wanted it. It wasn’t my idea.” Just to clear this up, because what had Niall even told Zayn?!

“He did?” Now Zayn sounded surprised, and Liam’s head was spinning a little. At least he had somewhat forgotten about the cold by now because this conversation was kinda proving to be a little more interesting. “But you played along?”

“I mean, we were both drunk. Niall said he wanted to know what it’s like and I didn’t mind it.” Not at all. 

“Hmm.” Was all Zayn responded to that, throwing his cigarette on the ground and stepping on it before looking at Liam all of a sudden. “So you’re into guys?”

“What? No, I- why does that matter?” Almost immediately, Liam felt his heart racing again and his palms getting sweaty despite it being zero degrees outside. God, why couldn’t he act normal with this topic? “We were drunk.”

“Niall’s not into guys.” Well, they had already established that a while ago, and yet… and yet he kept calling Liam to come over and make out, and Zayn sounded as if he was just saying it out loud to see what it was like, not as if it was a statement. “Sorry, this is all kind of confusing to me, I never thought Niall would get himself into a situation like that.”

“Neither did I.” Was it a situation though, to Zayn’s knowledge? To everyone else it was just them having made out once at a party.

“I always thought he didn’t care about soulmates at all, or about being in relationships or being with someone in general. So naturally I thought it was all your idea… “ So did that mean… Liam had just exposed Niall? But then again, it wasn’t his fault, was it? 

Liam shrugged, not knowing what to say, he knew Niall had talked shit about him to Zayn, but had then apparently taken it all back and- anyways, it was getting confusing, and it still didn’t clear up why Niall hadn’t told Liam that he had left the bloody country. 

“… has he ever asked you how you broke your soulmate bond?” Zayn kept pushing, apparently putting the pieces together in his head, slowly but surely, and Liam had never been more relieved about Louis interrupting him.

“W-“

“What are you guys doing?” Louis and Harry both seemed confused upon joining them, and Liam suddenly started to realize yet again that he was actually freezing and that his face felt numb. “I thought you left.”

“We just had a chat.” Zayn answered for Liam, throwing another look at him. “I should really get home, I’ve gotta get up early.”

He said goodbye to everybody, and to Liam with a “see you at work”, kinda implying that they were gonna be talking to each other again. If only for the purpose of Zayn interrogating Liam about him and Niall.

“What’s going on between the two of you? I thought you were friends.” Now it was Louis’ turn to be confused, but Liam really wasn’t in the mood anymore for a lecture tonight.

“It’s nothing, we just talked it out. I’m just not in the best mood and I’m tired.” No lies, right? “I think I’m gonna head home as well, I don’t wanna get sick out here.”

Louis and Harry ended up leaving with Liam, luckily not asking anymore questions, and once he was alone, Liam did consider texting Niall, just to warn him that Zayn was getting suspicious, but then again honestly, why would he have? Niall had created this mess himself, had talked about Liam behind his back only to call him up whenever he had been lonely and now he had disappeared without a word. 

And Liam still couldn’t help but miss him.

\---------------------

“Niall, you could have already left an hour ago, you know that, right?” Niall’s aunt was still busy with whatever, despite the fact that it was already the middle of the night, and Niall just shrugged, not moving from his chair. “What’s so interesting on your phone? I swear, you’re becoming more addicted to that thing whenever I see you.”

“I’m actually just here because it’s the only place in this entire town that has an alright signal.” Niall admitted, laughing at his aunt’s face though it had been the truth anyways. It’s not like he couldn’t get signal anywhere else, it was just too slow to do basic stuff.

“Well, then you can stay here and make sure you lock up if you leave, alright? I’ll see you tomorrow, I’m going to bed.” His aunt was shaking her head to herself as she started to get her stuff and get ready to go upstairs.

She and her family lived at the bed and breakfast, and Niall and his parents were staying with his grandparents at their house down the road, but because Niall was helping out while he was here, he sometimes crashed in one of the free guestrooms. Then again, it didn’t really make that much of a difference, because there was about a 5 minute walking distance to his grandparents’.

It wasn’t too late actually, but already pitch black outside, and Niall didn’t feel like going to bed just yet, so he kept sitting by the reception instead, playing on his phone for a bit, checking to see if anybody had booked a room for tomorrow just because he was bored. 

He was texting Zayn once a while, but nothing special, so Niall was a little surprised when his friend asked if they could talk on the phone, something they didn’t usually do a lot because Niall hated it. So he was hesitant to agree but said yes eventually, putting his phone on speaker but turning the volume down, just in case.

“What’re you doing?” Niall asked as soon as Zayn was calling, absently drawing on a notepad at the same time, a little nervous that it was something serious. But it didn’t seem like it.

“Nothing, I was just out and now I’m going home, I’m bored.” Okay, that sounded casual enough for Niall to relax. “Are you already missing the restaurant?”

“Not really.” Niall admitted, shrugging to himself even though Zayn couldn’t see. There where other things he missed, but he didn’t really wanna speak about it. 

“I know someone who really misses _you_ though.” Almost immediately, Niall’s heart started speeding up and he had to swallow, actually afraid to hear the answer but he still asked.

“Who?” Please don’t say-

“The boss. All the new people are shit.” Oh. Now Niall felt really fucking stupid. “I miss you too, it’s really boring at work when you’re not there.”

“We almost never work together.” Niall was barely ever there because he had so little hours, but he would have literally died having to be there more often and everything else going on on top of that.

“Still. We won’t be able to hang out until after Christmas.” True, but usually the time flew by anyways whenever Niall was here and it made him wonder whether he shouldn’t have just stayed altogether. Especially now, in the light of recent events. “Are you staying for New Year’s as well?”

“Don’t think so. Maybe.” He hadn’t quite decided yet, the flights were booked but like… they honestly weren’t that expensive to change. And maybe, just maybe, Niall was a little afraid of going back home. For multiple reasons. “What are you doing for New Year’s?”

So then they got talking about that while Zayn was obviously walking home, and Niall had to admit he was losing track of the conversation at some points thinking of other stuff, and the paper he was doodling on was almost about to rip by the time the other boy switched the topic. “You know, I was thinking about something.”

“Hm?” Was all Niall made, suddenly getting a rush of tiredness that very quickly vanished as soon as Zayn continued.

“You know how I have this soulmate app, yeah?” Wait, there was no way he could know that Niall had used it as well, right? Liam wouldn’t have told Zayn that, they weren’t even speaking to one another, were they?

“Yeah?” Niall tried to make it sound casual, but on the inside, he was screaming. Turned out though that it was kinda for nothing.

“I was thinking maybe I shouldn’t just focus my search on women. Maybe my soulmate is a man.” Zayn said it in a normal voice, and Niall was surprised and for given reasons started to get slightly nervous, but he was relieved that at least the conversation wasn’t about him.

“Okay? Why not.” Seriously, why not? For a second Niall was a little jealous almost, that Zayn could just say it like that and not care. “Are you into guys though? You never said anything.”

“No one I’ve met so far, but who knows, right? It could be anyone.” True, but now they were at this soulmate talk again, which Niall hated and even more so after everything that had happened between him and… Liam. “Have you ever thought about that?”

“About what?” Niall was playing dumb while his face was bright red.

“That you could ever be with a guy?” At first, Niall hadn’t thought that there was anything to this, that Zayn had simply wanted to let him know that he was open to anything, but now… this was getting suspicious. What if Liam had just told Zayn everything? Would he have done that?!

“No, I haven’t.” Niall straight up lied, because he was pretty sure everyone had at least once thought about it, even if just because. 

“Why?” Zayn kept pushing, and Niall would have loved to be able to read his thoughts right now. If Liam had talked then he was openly lying to Zayn right now, and he really didn’t want to, but to be fair, it was also rather rude to trick him into talking about it.

“I don’t know.” Was all Niall could think of, feeling really stupid and embarrassed and everything else he really did not wanna feel right now but did anyways. He shouldn’t have told Zayn that they could talk on the phone, he could have just avoided it all via text messages and pretended to have gone to sleep. “Why? Do I have to?”

“No, just asking.” He played it off immediately, and Niall ALMOST thought he was safe and then… “Oh, by the way, you know who I just saw when I was leaving the bar?”

“Who?” As if Niall didn’t already know. God damn it, what had Liam said to Zayn?!

“Liam and his friends. You know, Louis and Harry.” Of course Niall knew, he had been at their place twice.

“And?” Why would Niall care? He did care a lot, but Louis didn’t know that after all.

“Don’t know, we just kinda figured out that Liam had no idea that you went away for Christmas, I thought you guys were friends now.” Great. Amazing. Niall should have seen this coming.

“Oh, yeah. Forgot to mention it, I guess.” As if. “Didn’t think it was that important.”

“But if you always hang out-“

“We don’t always hang out.” At least not in the lies Niall had told Zayn. And to be fair, they also weren’t… _hanging out_ in general. “Why is it important?”

“It’s not, he just seemed really confused, and a bit worried. A bit eager to find out where you were, that’s all.” Had he really? Niall could hardly imagine it, he wasn’t sure what was going on between them, he didn’t think it went very deep though, it was more like… distraction, really. And it felt nice and Liam was always up for it so Niall kept going and going even though he always told himself no more.

That’s why he hadn’t told Liam where he had gone, to prove to himself that there was absolutely nothing between them besides what it was. No more.

“And?” Niall tried to sound like he literally did not care at all, as if he had forgotten about the party and whatever else had gone on between them since then. That hopefully no one knew about because Liam had said he wasn’t going to tell anybody. And why would he have told Zayn, out of all people?!

“Nothing, I was literally just wondering. I though you’re friends now, that’s what you told me.” Well, Niall had kinda made that up in the heat of the moment, so he had been forced to go with it.

“We are.” Were they? Niall liked talking to Liam and stuff, but he also really liked snogging him, but he was having a hard time going for it without drinking first and obviously that clouded his judgement a bit as to what they were actually doing and what for. “I don’t have to tell him everything, do I? We’re just coworkers and we go to the same uni.”

“Okay.” Niall was hopeful that Zayn would just let it go now, but nope, he just HAD to go and make it even worse than it had already been. “Can I ask you something else? You don’t have to answer.”

“Okay?” Maybe he really wouldn’t answer.

“Why were you so upset after the party? That he just left, I mean.” Jesus _Christ_, would Niall ever be allowed to move on?

“It was rude.” And Niall had been upset with himself, for having initiated everything, for having wanted it so badly in that moment, and he had projected it onto Liam instead because it had been a lot easier than admitting that it had been him who had wanted it a lot more. “And I was confused, and tired and hungover. I told you, we talked it out and we’re good now.”

“Alright… “ Zayn wasn’t buying it but why would Niall have cared about that? It was no one’s business except his and Liam’s. “But he didn’t force you to do anything? Because that’s what I’ve been worrying about for-“

“No, he didn’t.” Niall interrupted, because even if that kinda implied that he had wanted it as well, he wasn’t going to throw Liam under the bus and make up such serious lies obviously. Even with his face feeling all hot and on fire and his throat uncomfortably tight. “You didn’t have to make up that story about this app, you could’ve just asked me what you wanted to ask.”

“I was genuinely thinking of doing that though. And I didn’t just wanna straight out ask you if you were into Liam, because-“

“I’m not.” Niall almost choked because he had answered so fast, hearing those words in that order making him so anxious that he almost had to get up and walk it off. “We were drunk. That’s all. And I’ve never done anything like this.”

“Okay, I was just wondering. Sorry.” He didn’t sound sorry, and also not as if he was convinced, but Niall couldn’t let himself care because he didn’t wanna talk about it. And he didn’t want to know what Zayn would have said had he known how many more times they had made out after this bloody party. Had even slept in the same bed and everything. “I just think that, you know, he would have liked to know that you were leaving. It sounded like it.”

“Maybe.” Niall shrugged to himself, way too busy trying to deal with this entire conversation than to think about Liam’s feelings right now. They hadn’t talked or texted in days, and sure, Niall had been thinking about texting Liam back, but he just needed some time and he also wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to actually become friends. “Now he knows it anyways.”

“I mean, he would have probably liked to hear it from you.” Why? What for? It was always Niall who texted Liam to come over and get drunk and make out.

“Maybe I’ll text him back later.” Right, Niall shouldn’t have said that.

“You left him on read?!” Why was that such a big deal now, Niall did it all the time, even to Zayn himself, he just got busy with other things and then forgot about it. Well, he hadn’t forgotten in Liam’s case, but that was very different.

“Not on purpose.” Niall lied some more, because why not, now it was already too late anyways. “Why do you care so much? I thought you don’t even like him anymore.”

“I just didn’t wanna go behind your back, I didn’t know what happened at the party. I didn’t know it was your idea.” One second…

“Did he say that?” Why would he have done that?! 

“Was he lying?” Was all Zayn asked, and Niall was honestly about to just end the call. All this a few hours before he wanted to go to sleep. “There’s nothing wrong with it, I get it. I just think all this has turned into a bigger deal than it had to be.”

“Because you keep talking about it.” Seriously, he had just brought it all up, hadn’t he?! “Can we just move on? I already told you multiple times that things between me and Liam are good, and you can just treat him like you did before. He did nothing wrong.”

“Okay, okay. I was just worried about you, that’s all. I had a chat with him before and we kinda talked it out as well.” Great, how had they talked it out without Niall there, who had been a key figure in the events in question?! “Don’t be upset with him now, I kept pushing until he told me. At least now I get why you guys get along so well.”

“Why?” Because they had snogged?

“Because of your pasts regarding your soulm-“

“Okay, let’s not talk about that.” Before Niall would give himself away yet again. He didn’t want Zayn to become even more suspicious than he already was, or for him to start putting the pieces together and make Niall feel even more terrible about what was going on than he already was since weeks now.

He wasn’t using Liam though, was he? It’s not like he was making false promises, it’s not like he was forcing Liam, they were both equally into it each time. Which was exactly why Niall needed to stop it before it escalated. He just… he couldn’t somehow, he just couldn’t fully get Liam out of his head.

“But-“

“I’m actually really tired.” Niall interrupted, afraid what else would come if he didn’t stop this conversation immediately. “We can text if you want, but I’m gonna go get ready for bed now.”

“Alright.” Zayn didn’t sound too happy about it, but he didn’t say another word except to say goodbye, and Niall had to take a huge breath upon having ended the call. That had been close, also very eye-opening and even more nerve wrecking. What else had Liam told Zayn that Zayn had maybe not mentioned?

What if he had told him the entire story? What if Liam had gotten drunk again and spilled it all because he had no filter whenever he was drinking?! Niall would know.

He did end up walking down to his grandparents’ house, but then Niall just walked past it and he walked until he came to the pier. It was dead quiet outside at this time of night, not a single soul outside except him and it was quite calming really. Just Niall and the waves and very quiet noises far off in the distance.

It was also really cold though, and Niall was afraid his phone would turn off any second, but he still kept walking a bit further, and down to the water because it was rather calm anyways. 

Niall had to literally talk himself into taking out his phone and go to the chat he had with Liam, re-reading the messages he had sent a couple days ago, that Niall had never answered because he hadn’t known how and he had also been trying not to think about Liam. 

The last message was simply Liam asking if Niall was alright, which made Niall feel quite bad because there Liam was, worried about him, and Niall hadn’t even bothered telling him that he had gone off to another country for quite a while. They’d never become friends like this, but maybe Niall didn’t even want to? Maybe he just wanted all of this to stop and to stop talking to Liam so he would never have to sort out the mess in his head.

For some reason, Niall suddenly felt really bad for treating Liam this way, even though he still didn’t think Liam actually cared. He probably thought the same Niall thought, that it was kinda nice to be doing all these things when they probably wouldn’t ever find anybody else to them with anyways. 

Maybe that was why Niall finally texted back, a lot nicer maybe than he would have had Zayn not just called him.

_To Liam 22:54  
Hi! Im really sorry ive not texted you back until now, ive been really busy :/ and im also sorry I didn’t tell you I was going to Ireland over Christmas, zayn said you were a bit worried. Is everything okay with you? what are you doing over Christmas? :)_

Almost as soon as Niall had sent it, he did feel kinda good about himself, which was probably the very first indicator that something was going to go wrong. 

Thing was, Liam was a fast texter, not at all like Niall although he did sometimes take a few hours, but not days or weeks like Niall. So of course Niall kinda expected an immediate answer, at least the next days or so, but joke was on Niall because nothing came and he started to feel like a real fucking idiot for ever having answered.

Maybe this was Niall’s punishment now, for having treated Liam this way, and it was only really now that Niall realized what it felt like to be on the other side of it all. Because suddenly it was driving him _insane_ that Liam was ignoring him back, that they hadn’t seen each other in a while, and most of all, that it seemed as if Liam didn’t even care one bit.

Just like Niall had been trying to pretend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys :)
> 
> im so happy i made it on time haha! i met liam this sunday and it was very rushed but i got a picture with with him and managed to get half a hug so it was worth it :')
> 
> i hope you all enjoyed the chapter!! let me know if you want <3 i hope youll have a great week!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for this chapter: There are non-graphic mentions of self harm at the end (there's another warning in the chapter before it happens)

“Are you enjoying your new uni? And the job at the restaurant?” Liam’s sister was being way too curious, but he also couldn’t be mad because they hadn’t seen each other in a while due to her living so far away. 

“Yeah, it’s alright.” Liam shrugged, kinda wishing it was already later in the evening so that this day could’ve gone by a little quicker. It was only the three of them at home for Christmas, Liam’s mother wasn’t on great terms with the little extended family they had and her boyfriend always had giant family celebrations she usually only took part in for a day during the holidays. Liam’s sister wasn’t in a relationship, she hadn’t found her soulmate yet, but Liam knew for a fact that she wasn’t exactly lonely where she lived. “How’s your job going?”

“Great, I love it there.” She had worked the same job for years now, so that was nothing new, Liam had just been trying to be polite.

The truth was, he hadn’t been in a mood for Christmas for just one second this year, and yeah, part of it had to do with Niall, but there were other things in his life that weren’t going so great of course, like uni and work and just his general attitude towards a lot of things. Liam didn’t know how to change that though and it seemed whenever he tried he only made it worse.

“What restaurant is it again? Have we ever gone there?” So they talked about that for a while before going to help their mother in the kitchen. It was the 24th of December, and Liam had already put up the plastic tree they had two days ago, no one having bothered with decoration apart from that though.

Christmas had long lost its meaning for Liam, but it was whatever, it just wasn’t his thing and he didn’t like the cold or snow or anything to do with it, so there was that. Then again, Louis had also never been into Christmas that much, but now that he lived with Harry, it seemed they were going all out with everything and it made Liam wonder whether he would be the same when he moved out. Probably not, seeing as he’d be on his own.

“Did Nici say when we could call her?” Liam started the conversation once they had sat down to eat, referring to their other sister, but Ruth simply shrugged.

“She said not too late, but the kids are allowed to stay up longer tonight anyways. Are you actually coming with us to visit this year?” Now it was Liam’s turn to shrug, because he hadn’t quite decided yet. It’s not that he didn’t like his niece and nephew, or his sister, or her husband, it was just… a really long drive and it never felt like it mattered if he went or not. “Li, you already bailed last year. The kids don’t even know you anymore.”

“Because they’re two and four, not because I never go see them. We Facetime.” On occasion, like, every two months or something. “They prefer you anyways.”

“I spend more time with them.” Fair enough. “I’m sure if you-“

“They live really far away and it’s not like anyone is hurt by it.” Liam interrupted before his sister could get into it and she just sighed, sharing a very obvious glance with their mother that Liam decided to simply ignore. “Maybe I’ll come.”

“I’m sure they’d love that.” Liam’s mother threw in, but even when she said it she sounded as if she was doubting her own words. “We’re only staying one night this time.”

Now Liam did wanna come a little more, but also not so desperately, so he decided to leave it open and just switch the topic instead. “I’ll think about it. We forgot to turn on the lights on the tree.”

So he left the table before anyone could have said anything else, turning on the lights and then deciding to put on Christmas music as well, just as a background noise because why not? They might as well have tried a little bit at the very least, if they were already here together.

The truth was, Liam had an urge to check his phone the entire time, but whenever he did, he simply got disappointed, even though it was his own fault anyways. He had ignored Niall for a couple days on pure purpose, maybe to teach him a lesson, give him a taste of his own medicine, maybe because he had been really hurt and hadn’t wanted to admit it. Maybe even to prove something to himself so he wouldn’t have to admit to himself that he was in deeper than he would have liked.

He had decided to text Niall back today though, also to wish him a Merry Christmas and whatnot, immediately having regretted it once he had realized that it would now be Niall’s turn to ignore him back. The whole situation was kinda fucked up and childish, but Liam had no idea how to change or fix that.

Even Zayn had texted him, clearly just to get more information out of him, but there actually wasn’t anything more to it, except those few times they had met at Niall’s place and made out. But no one had to ever find out about that.

The evening was going by really slow, and by the time they had finished eating dinner as well as dessert, cleaned everything up AND called Nicola, it was still only 8 in the evening. There was some really boring Christmas film on the telly and Liam was eating most of the cookies they had left, honestly getting tired enough to go to bed soon. 

Or maybe not.

“Are Louis and Harry celebrating on their own?” Liam’s mother asked out of nowhere, so Liam just nodded at first before knowing he would have to add onto that.

“Tonight, yeah. They’re spending time with their families tomorrow.” Or something like that, Liam hadn’t wanted to ask too much because he also didn’t really care. Tried not to at least.

“I still think it’s crazy they found each other when they were so young.” Ruth had always gotten along well with Louis when they had all still been younger, so she had met Harry as well. “Really lucky.”

“I guess.” Was all Liam said to that, eating some more cookies and pretending that he was suddenly interested in the film. Didn’t work.

“It just happens differently for everybody.” His mother’s opinion on soulmates was the last thing Liam had wanted to hear tonight if he was being honest but here they were. “It’s never a coincidence.”

Liam shared a look with his sister, just to make sure they were still on the same page with this, and judging by the look on her face, that seemed to be the case. Somehow Liam couldn’t hold back tonight. “I’m not sure if I really believe in that.”

“Because you haven’t met your soulmate yet, trust me, everything will make sense once you do. You just have to figure out a few things in your life first before that will happen.” Sounded both comforting but also a little mean. 

“Ruth has figured everything out.” Liam threw in, just to get away from himself but also so his mother would stop implying that he needed to get his life together. Which was true, but he was trying his best. 

“I’m not sure I’d wanna meet my soulmate anytime soon.” His sister had never been this way, and she was also the only one who Liam knew with that kinda attitude going about life, just doing her thing, not caring what others thought. Then again, she also had her fair share of fun with a bunch of people that Liam’s mother didn’t need to know about in detail. “I like my life the way it is. Not sure I’d ever want kids either, so it’s not like I need to get stressed out about it.”

“That’s probably why she hasn’t met her soulmate yet.” Of course, there was always some sort of excuse, and Liam would have maybe believed in that also had he not done what he had done. And never told his mother or sisters about. “Trust me, Li, one day you will meet yours.”

“Maybe I don’t want to either.” He lied, not even having to look at the other two to know they were sharing a glance. Whatever. “Just because Harry and Louis found each other doesn’t mean their lives are so great now. Some people never meet their soulmate and they live on just fine as well.”

“Yeah, _some_ people.” Ruth agreed, clearly implying that no one believed Liam was one of them, which was kinda getting on his nerves but it was Christmas so he decided to just shut his mouth instead.

In the end, he might have revealed more than he had wanted. After all, the day would come where everybody would realize he’d never meet his soulmate, and then maybe Liam would be ready to tell the truth. Not now though, because he didn’t wanna break his mother’s heart, even though he was aware that the longer he waited, the worse it would get, even if it had been so many years already.

“I honestly just wanna be happy with my own life and myself.” Something that he was also struggling to achieve. “Not every soulmate bond ends well.”

Right, maybe this had not been the right to thing to say, especially in front of his mother, but they had talked about these things so many times by now and they were family after all, that the reaction wasn’t very heavy anyways. Plus, Liam hadn’t been trying to be mean after all, it was simply the truth and his mother was living proof.

“It’s unlikely that what happened to me is going to happen to any of you as well.” She was right, but at the same time, it didn’t really mean anything at all.

“It could.” Liam shrugged, keeping his eyes glued to the telly now because this dark turn their conversation had taken was his own fault but it still caused his throat to get tighter.

“Yeah, a lot of things _could_ happen to a lot of people, Li. But that’s really no way to go about living your life.” Ruth was right, but it was a lot easier said than done, just throw every worry over board and live life that way when Liam didn’t enjoy living his life all too often to begin with. “And if mom’s right then whatever is happening is happening for a reason anyways.”

Harry would have agreed with that also, but Liam didn’t wanna bring him up anymore now, so he just nodded again, pretending to give in and think about it. It really wasn’t the best conversation to have on Christmas Eve, not only talking about Liam’s obvious struggles in life but a lot worse than that, about their mother’s loss, even though it had happened like 17 years ago.

His father passing had maybe had a big influence on the way Liam viewed the soulmate concept as a whole, though not all of it had come from that of course. Breaking his bond was still something he had done for completely different reasons in the end. 

Liam went and got more dessert, just to get away from the living room for a bit longer, and when he returned his sister had luckily started talking about something else. 

They didn’t stay up for very long, and Liam found himself in bed by 11, not having checked his phone in quite a while honestly, so when he did, with the lights already turned off and everything, he almost immediately sat up straight again. 

_Niall 21:57  
Merry Christmas to you as well! :D_

_Niall 22:03  
Oh sorry, wrong person_

Like, for a second or two, Liam was CONVINCED that Niall had just been messing with him, because what the fuck?! But the longer he thought about it, the more did it feel as if the other boy was being serious seeing as he had been ignoring everything else Liam had said as well, and the more upset did Liam get. While he was texting Niall back, he honestly wasn’t even thinking straight, didn’t even re-read what he had written before pressing send, feeling his muscles tense from anger.

_To Niall 23:10  
are you being serious right now??? Well don’t bother wasting your time then_

And then, because he was clearly a drama queen, Liam deleted his previous messages even though Niall had already read them. Or maybe he hadn’t, maybe he really cared as little about Liam as it sometimes felt, and for the moment Liam was too upset and pissed off as to be hurt, he almost even made some comment about them making out, even thought about straight up texting Zayn the entire story.

He didn’t get very far though.

_Niall 23:11  
Sorry, sorry im just kidding haha_

Okay was he NOW being serious as well?! With the _haha_? There was clearly something wrong with this boy, because he texted Liam yet again just a couple seconds later.

_Niall 23:11  
I just didn’t want you to ignore me for days again_

For a moment there, Liam almost calmed down, almost didn’t feel guilty anymore, but then he very quickly changed his mind again. 

_To Niall 23:12  
You’re the one who keeps ignoring ME_

Seriously, was this really happening, in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve? To be fair, Liam was already in bed anyways, but still. Considering how long he had had to wait for an answer after this, he almost texted Niall again, almost thought the other boy had gone over to ignoring him out of spite now, but he was very much surprised when Niall suddenly called him.

Luckily, Liam had his phone on silent because he didn’t wanna disturb his mother and sister, but he was definitely so confused that he had to sit up first, switching on the lights as he thought about whether he should have answered this call or not. Considering his heart going crazy, he didn’t have much of a choice.

“I thought you hate talking on the phone.” Liam started with an accusation because why the hell not, this was more than just unexpected, and also bloody weird.

“I do.” Niall was laughing, and it only took a second for Liam to realize that he had been drinking. Apparently not enough to not know how to text or call anymore though. “I was really just kidding, I swear.”

“You’re getting drunk on Christmas Eve?” Well, a lot of people did probably, the ones who didn’t just stay in discussing their non-existing love life with their mother and older sister. 

“I’m Irish.” He laughed again, but there was actually no noise in the background, no other voices or anything, and Liam wondered for a second whether he had gotten drunk by himself. “Anyways, I wanted to say sorry. It was a bad joke.”

“It was.” Liam agreed, already having forgiven the other boy because the fact that they hadn’t talked in what felt like ages and only texted sporadically was kinda doing things with Liam he didn’t wanna admit. “You’re still the one who keeps ignoring me.”

There was a moment of silence, and Niall didn’t seem all too drunk anymore when he blurted out with what sounded like the truth. “I didn’t know what to say. And then so much time passed it felt weird to answer.”

“Okay?” He had still answered in the end, so Liam didn’t quite get it. 

“I… “ Niall started before clearing his throat, letting out what sounded like a bit of a nervous laughter. “I didn’t really know how to deal with what we’ve been doing. So I didn’t tell you I was leaving.”

“It was none of my business anyways.” To be fair, Liam hadn’t had that mindset at all, but hearing Niall say it out loud, even though he had very obviously had a bit much too drink, immediately made Liam forgive him for anything that had happened. 

“I know you were upset. Zayn told me.” Oh. 

“Yeah, uh, I kinda, like, had a bit of a chat with him, but I didn’t really say a l-“

“You told him it was my idea. At the party.” Liam should have expected Zayn to tell on him straight away, but strangely enough, it didn’t even upset Liam. And Niall didn’t sound upset either. “I mean, it was.”

“Sorry.” What else was Liam supposed to say right now? He was kinda sorry, but not really. “Are you alright? You’re not walking around outside drunk and by yourself, are you?”

“I kinda am.” Niall laughed again, shortly, and Liam started to get worried of course. “It’s fine, it’s a small town. Basically everyone’s at the pub anyways.”

“Aren’t you cold?” A dumb question, but Liam didn’t know what else to say and this whole conversation had come out of nowhere and it was slightly overwhelming. Mostly because Liam was really bad at putting his feelings and thoughts into actual word and then say them out loud. 

“Nah, I’m really hot actually. In more than just one way.” The other boy joked, and Liam did almost laugh but instead he just felt himself blushing. “Are you not celebrating Christmas?”

“I was, I’m already in bed.” Thank god for that, and also that Liam’s bedroom was too far away for anybody else to hear this conversation. 

“Oh, were you gonna sl-“

“No, I wasn’t. I’m not even tired.” Liam lied immediately, feeling like a right idiot straight after but Niall was drunk anyways so maybe he didn’t notice. Kinda sad that Liam felt he knew drunk Niall a lot better than sober Niall. “So when are you flying back home?”

“In two days.” Okay, now THAT was unexpected as well. “I thought about staying for New Year’s, but, uh… I don’t know. The flight’s already booked, so.”

“Are you missing the restaurant that much?” Liam joked, and it made Niall laugh a lot more than appropriate. 

“Obviously. I can’t wait until I’m done with uni so I can finally work there all day every day.” The really sad part about this was that Liam had been scared a few times that that would happen to him once he graduated and couldn’t find a job but had then felt better thinking that maybe Niall would still work there also. As stupid as that sounded. “I’m gonna get so rich.”

“How much did you have to drink?” Liam laughed, feeling his chest loosening a little, his body relaxing. Stupidly enough, right now he was feeling better than he had at any point during the last couple days. 

“Too much. But also, I can still walk and talk so maybe not enough.” It was obviously a joke, but it still got Liam a little bit worried, especially when Niall continued. “If it wasn’t so dark I’d even try going to the beach right now.”

“Please don’t. I don’t really wanna be the only witness when you drown.” Though he was making it sound not serious, Liam was being pretty damn serious. “Maybe you should just go home?”

“I’m already on my way, actually. I wouldn’t drown though, I’m an excellent swimmer.” Niall sounded very serious about it and Liam decided not to challenge him on accident.

“I’m sure you are.” He agreed, hoping Niall wouldn’t hear the sarcasm in his voice. “It’s a bit cold though, maybe.”

“Maybe.” Niall agreed, thankfully. And then he just switched the topic and the entire mood without missing a beat. “Are you coming to my place when I’m back home?”

Liam was taken aback, he didn’t know what to say or what to think or what Niall even meant by that, he just knew that he wasn’t really using his brain when he answered way too quickly. “Okay.”

“Okay, cool, it’s not a long flight anyways and I don’t have a lot to unpack. I’ll just be bored at home anyways.” Same, but Liam wasn’t sure if this was a good idea or not. Also, he was supposed to go visit his sister in two days, but if Niall came back home AND wanted him to come over… god damn it, Liam truly hated himself sometimes. “What are you doing New Year’s?”

“No idea.” Louis had talked about yet another party, but after the last time Liam wasn’t so sure anymore whether it would’ve been in his interest to go. “You?”

“Me neither.” Niall said it lightly, as if he had just asked out of interest, and he also didn’t follow it up with anything else so Liam thought maybe it was the alcohol. Just like what else he said. “I got you a present by the way.”

“I- why?” Okay, now this was getting out of hand.

“For Christmas? I’m not telling you what it is though, I’ll give it to you when I’m back.” Would have sounded normal, had they actually been friends and none of what had happened between them had actually happened. 

“You didn’t have t-“

“Oh, I’m home now, I’ve gotta hang up. I’ll text you, okay? Good night.” And yes, then Niall had simply ended the call, without waiting for an answer or anything, and Liam was left by himself, more confused than ever. 

At the same time though, he was also feeling better, strangely enough, and he hated himself for it more than anything in the world, but he had no idea how to change it either. Merry fucking Christmas indeed.

\------------------

Niall had been sitting staring at his phone for what felt like an hour or so without ever having picked it up. He had done everything in his power to waste more time, drag it out longer, but now he really had nothing to do anymore, had even already unpacked, washed AND hung up his clothes and it was still only 1 in the afternoon because of how early the flight had been.

He was well aware that Liam must have thought he was absolutely insane at this point for not having texted him again after that drunk phone call, but like… drunk Niall was a lot braver than normally. And also a lot more honest, maybe even with himself. But that didn’t mean Niall didn’t want Liam to come over still, he was just a bit afraid of what would happen if he did come over.

And even more afraid of the fact that he kinda wanted it to happen. But kinda also didn’t. It was complicated.

In the end, it took him 30 more minutes to finally pick up his phone, and by that time, he suddenly realized that Liam had already texted him ages ago.

_Liam 12:35  
Did you get home alright? I don’t know if you still wanna hang out, but you can also come to my place if you want_

No idea if that would’ve been better or worse, all Niall knew was that he needed to make a decision right about now because the longer he was dragging it out, the ruder he came off. Honestly, had Liam just blocked his ass, it would’ve been more than just fair.

Clearly, because Niall forgot how to use his brain, he did not consider the consequences of texting Liam that they could hang out at his place and it really only sunk in once the other boy had texted him his address a minute later, clearly already having waited for Niall to contact him.

Shit, didn’t Liam live with his mother?! And even worse, what if they would have to be sober the entire time?!

\----------------------

The second Niall texted him that he was here, Liam felt his nerves kicking in, his entire plan suddenly feeling like complete rubbish as he went to open the front door, heart of course going crazy.

They hadn’t seen each other in a while, so upon looking at the other boy standing right in front of him, Liam didn’t know what to say at first because it kinda didn’t even feel real because of how much Niall had been on his mind. Embarrassingly often.

“Hi.” Niall spoke up first, his smile clearly a bit nervous and of course Liam had to ruin the entire thing immediately.

“Hi. You could’ve just rung the doorbell.” Great.

“Yeah, uh, I didn’t know if anybody else was home, so… “ Niall shrugged rather awkwardly, trying to laugh it off as he readjusted his backpack and Liam wondered why he had even brought one. If he had brought alcohol and was about ruin Liam’s plan of them hanging out sober for once to see if it could work then Liam would just give up.

“No, my mom’s gone to visit my sister and her family, with my other sister, she lives ages away, so… “ And Liam had debated going this morning, because Niall had of course gone over to ignoring him again yesterday, but because he was clearly desperate and an idiot, he had stayed home hoping. So here they were.

“And you didn’t wanna go?” The other boy seemed confused, but before Liam could have answered, his very bad host skills were put on display. “Can I come on? I’m actually freezing my ass off.”

“I- Yeah, of course, sorry, yeah.” Liam stepped back immediately, his face turning hot as hell as he watched Niall enter, making sure to close the door right away and lock it. Wow, Niall was seriously here, at his home, after everything that had happened. “And no, I didn’t really feel like going. I usually don’t go.”

“Oh, okay.” It didn’t seem like he really cared, which was good because Liam didn’t want him to know that he had stayed here just for him. Even though it was kind of really obvious. “So you’re an uncle?”

“Yeah.” True, he was, even though probably the worst uncle in the entire world. “They live kinda far away though, we don’t really see each other that often.”

“That’s sad. I know what that feels like.” Niall nodded, and Liam remembered that he had literally just been away to visit his family as well. 

“Do you wish you would’ve stayed longer?” Because the conversation felt a bit forced, Liam waited until Niall had taken off his shoes and jacket before simply leading the way to the living room. They could have of course gone to his bedroom, but they were alone and it would’ve probably come off as a little weird. As if Liam had had any intentions with this. 

“I don’t know, I’ve not really thought about it.” He shrugged, not sitting down immediately but first of all looking around the room for a moment. He still had his backpack with him as well, and Liam started getting a bit nervous when he sat down and pulled it into his lap to open it. “I gotta make a confession.”

“Okay?” Now Liam was REALLY nervous, even though Niall suddenly let out a laugh.

“When I told you I got you something on the phone I hadn’t actually gotten you something, I was just a bit drunk and- anyways, I did get you something. The day after.” Niall seemed really nervous about it as well, and Liam was curious but he also felt bad because he didn’t have anything for Niall, he had taken it as a joke if he was being honest. “It’s three things, actually. I got you a postcard, I sent Zayn one as well and I would’ve sent it to you too but I didn’t know your address.”

“Oh, thanks.” Okay, that was actually a nice surprise, and Niall seemed relieved as well when Liam took the postcard showing a picture of Niall’s hometown and everything. 

“Now I could send it if you want.” Niall joked for a second and Liam laughed, briefly, still too nervous to fully relax when Niall started getting something else out of his backpack. “Okay, that’s the second thing. I got it in like, the only tourist shop we have, it’s a shell but I think it’s pretty cool. I would’ve gone look for one myself like I used ‘t as a kid, but I doubt I would’ve found a nice one. And I got you a Guinness as well just so you know what you’re missing out on.”

“I- thank you, Niall. Really. You didn’t have to get me anything.” Liam was a bit overwhelmed honestly, like, Niall obviously had had only one day to think about it, but it still felt like he had put some thought into it and now Liam had nothing for him in return. 

“You’re welcome. I thought maybe-“ He broke off then to clear his throat, closing his backpack to put it on the floor, not really looking at Liam after. “I thought maybe it’s also an apology, y’know. For whatever happened, like, I know I was behaving a bit shitty. I’m not a great texter in general but I did ignore you and I didn’t tell you I was leaving and yeah. It wasn’t nice.”

“You don’t have to apologize, I get why you did it, and… the situation was strange.” It still was, because Liam still didn’t even know where they were standing, hence why he had invited Niall to come over so that maybe they could figure this out without getting smashed yet again. “I’m sorry I talked to Zayn, we just randomly met at this bar and Louis waved him over.”

“It’s fine, I know what he’s like, he keeps asking until you answer. And you didn’t say anything wrong.” He shrugged, picking at the skin next to his thumb and Liam swallowed, not having expected this day to turn out like this in any way. 

There was some awkward silence of Liam inspecting the gifts, and then he decided he couldn’t take it anymore. “Do you want anything to drink?”

Niall agreed although it seemed he was only doing it to lighten the mood a bit, and Liam gave him several, non-alcoholic options, not expecting Niall to tag along to the kitchen but he did anyways. Maybe it was better this way, at least it meant he couldn’t hate spending time with Liam THIS much, right? Not yet.

“Do you live here with just your mom?” Niall asked once they were in the kitchen and Liam was going through the fridge. 

“Yeah. My sisters have moved out but we’ve all grown up here.” And Liam was still here, probably would be here for a couple more years. “But it’s like… having a roommate, except it’s my mom. So I’m not like, completely useless, I do do my laundry and cook and like, buy my own things and groceries. I used to live on my own in a dorm when I went to that other uni.”

“I remember you told me that.” Niall nodded along, looking at some pictures on the wall while Liam decided that he might as well also get out some food just so they’d have something to do. “I didn’t think you weren’t doing any of these things.”

“Well, I’m glad.” Liam was a little nervous still, but he felt like maybe the situation was starting to become a bit more normal. “I would move out if I had the money.”

“It’s not that great. It’s a little depressing sometimes.” Niall shrugged when Liam threw a look at him before directing his attention back out of the window. “What about your dad?”

“Uh, he died, when I was a kid.” Liam had said it often enough, and it was long in the past, so it didn’t affect him anymore to say it out loud, but the reaction was always the same and Niall was no exception.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know, I wouldn’t have asked if-“

“I know, it’s fine. It was a really long time ago.” And nothing Liam really wanted to get into right now because he felt like it would’ve gone into a very dangerous direction, just like the one he had had on Christmas Eve with his mother and sister. “Do you want some Christmas cookies?”

“Sure, why not.” Niall sounded very enthusiastic now, maybe to get over that moment, and Liam wasn’t going to ruin it.

They ended up sitting in the kitchen this time, which was actually a lot nicer, but Liam wouldn’t have known because he never really invited anybody over and he had only done it today because his mother was gone all day and he had been afraid of what would’ve happened at Niall’s place. Their record of having normal conversations there wasn’t really the best, to put it the nicest way. 

“How’d the rest of your exams go?” Maybe not the right thing to ask, and Niall’s mouth was full as well, but he just shrugged, taking a moment to swallow.

“I mean… I don’t know. I’ve not gotten any grades yet, and I’ve got two exams left after the break. Yours?” Liam should have expected this question.

“Not so great.” He shrugged, but he hadn’t failed anything so far, so that was an accomplishment in itself. At least for his standards. “I’m used to retaking them anyways.”

“Is it sad that I can relate?” The other boy laughed and Liam joined for a moment even though it was actually anything but amusing and probably the reason why they had met at the restaurant in the first place. “I’d rather study than work at the restaurant though.”

“Really? I think it’s nice to get a break sometimes… even if it’s not really a break and I’m getting called incompetent and no tips.” The usual. “I tried to take your advice and not check on my tables that often by the way, but they’ve started complaining that I’m ignoring them and doing bad customer service.”

“I mean, you still have to go check on them. I’m sorry if it was bad advice.” He didn’t sound sorry at all, but Liam also had to admit that he had probably been a bit lazy lately. “I’m not an expert either, maybe Zayn can help… he’s talking to you again, right?”

“Yeah, it’s like nothing ever happened.” Except that Zayn was clearly trying to get information out of Liam because he was obviously getting suspicious and probably putting the pieces together in his head, but apart from that… completely normal. “But, uh… “

“What?” Now Niall looked confused, but also a little nervous.

“He’s getting suspicious.” Liam hadn’t planned on scaring Niall, but he decided it was probably best to warn him. “I mean, I don’t know him that well, but… just so you know.”

“Okay… thanks for telling me.” Niall nodded, looking at the table, and Liam had no idea what could have possibly gone through his head right now.

There were a million things Liam wanted to say, had even planned on saying and practiced in his head like a teenager, but now that Niall was here and they were all alone, it all seemed like rubbish to Liam. He knew they should have talked about a few things, but he didn’t know how or where to start and he also wasn’t even done figuring out his own thoughts, so that was a bit of a problem.

And it seemed that Niall was kinda experiencing similar struggles, although Liam actually highly doubted that they were on the same page. Which was another reason why he didn’t wanna speak up.

“Can I ask you something?” Niall finally broke the silence after it had lasted for way too long, and Liam agreed, hesitantly though because he kinda already had a feeling what this would be about. “Did you ask me to come to your place so we wouldn’t get drunk?”

“I… “ Okay, what was Liam supposed to answer to that except the truth? “… kind of.”

“Okay.” He seemed to have already figured it out before asking anyways, and Liam didn’t feel too embarrassed about it either, but then again… he realized it was slightly bizarre. “You could’ve also said you didn’t want anything to drink.”

“I know, I just- I didn’t even want us to have the option.” Liam admitted, because he had actually thought about this for quite a while before texting Niall. Pretty much all morning, without even knowing whether they’d really hang out or not. “I’m like- I just didn’t know if we’re… friends or… or I don’t know. And because of everything that happened and stuff and I- I thought maybe it’d be better if we were sober for once. I thought maybe we could… talk.”

“Okay. What do you wanna talk about?” Great, Niall was making him do all the work. They weren’t even looking at each other, and they were both blushed, and it was honestly a complete disaster, so Liam blamed it on the fact that neither of them had ever been in a situation just remotely like this one. 

“Like… what exactly are we doing?” Or what had they done more like, because this right here was the most normal setting they had ever been in together. 

Niall didn’t answer, he just kept looking at his hands and into his glass and Liam almost interrupted the silence with something equally as useful when the other boy did finally speak. “Can I be honest?”

“Of course.” Only question was, did Liam want him to be honest? Probably not.

“I’ve got no bloody idea what I’m doing. Not with you and not in general, and at that party I just saw my chance of trying this out with someone who was in a similar situation, and then I wanted to keep going because I was enjoying it. But whenever you left again and I was sober again I started to freak out but then after a while I was missing it and it was like, a never ending cycle and- I’m sorry, I know it’s me who keeps initiating it.” That was definitely true.

“I’ve never said no.” Also true, Liam would have probably initiated something as well had Niall not done it for him.

“I know… “ The other boy mumbled before letting out a big sigh, rubbing his hands over his face as he leaned back against the back of the chair. “It’s not that I wouldn’t want us to be friends, in the beginning it was different, but- I do like just hanging out with you as well.”

“I- Me too. I mean, I like hanging out with you, not with m- you know what I mean.” Liam was stumbling over his words at this point, a little afraid of what else Niall was going to say to him, so naturally, he decided to say the dumbest thing ever. “You’re not into guys.”

“I mean- no.” Niall was shrugging, and he looked confused as well, but before Liam could have stated more stupid things and then be disappointed when Niall didn’t deny them, he was already continuing. “It’s not like that, I just- I don’t know what to say. I’ve never been attracted to a guy.”

“Okay.” So that included Liam? God, why couldn’t he just ask the questions he really wanted to ask?!

“Have you?” The other boy asked after a moment, and Liam was about to deny it, he already had his mouth open, ready to lie, but just this once in his life, he wanted to say the truth. Just this one bloody time, regardless of the consequences.

“Yeah.” Liam was watching Niall’s reaction closely, but he looked neither surprised nor freaked out, so that was something, right? “I also don’t know what I’m doing though, and we can just forget about it all and move on if you want or, like, talk about it or… “

“Or…?” Why did Niall have to look so hopeful right now?!

“I mean… “ Was Liam really about to propose this to Niall, after having told himself he wouldn’t do any of that sort, after getting disappointed yet again when Niall hadn’t denied not liking guys? “We’re not like, hurting anybody. I mean, it’s no one’s business.”

“Right.” Niall was nodding along, as if he really liked where this was going and Liam wanted to slap himself in the face just to shut up, but of course he didn’t, he couldn’t, not with Niall sitting right there in front of him.

“And in the end it’s like, maybe it doesn’t even matter what we’re doing because who cares anyways.” Liam’s feelings, but that was beside the point. “And clearly we both don’t know what we’re doing, so- we were both enjoying it.”

Now Niall was nodding again, as if to agree, as if Liam was just talking to himself and he kinda was actually, convincing himself that this was a great idea when it really wasn’t. 

“And I… “ Liam continued before licking his lips, suddenly getting a rush of nervousness again, but he had said so much he might have as well continued at this point. “I do feel, like- it’s like what you said. About feeling better when we’re together.”

“Yeah.” Niall was only whispering it, but at least now they were looking at each other, and it WAS ridiculous and stupid and Liam knew it, but suddenly it was everything he wanted. “So you’re saying…”

“I’m saying that- maybe we don’t need to figure it out.” They should have, like normal fucking people, but clearly it was too late for that. 

“I wouldn’t know how to figure it out anyways.” The other boy let out a laugh all of a sudden that honestly did not sound amused in any way, and Liam wondered whether he should have been concerned or not, but he didn’t really have any time for that. “You never showed me your room.”

“Seriously?” Now Liam really had to laugh, both out of nervousness but also because Niall really was not wasting any time although he did laugh along with Liam and his face was quite red also. So at least they were both not sure what the fuck they were actually doing, only that they both wanted it quite badly apparently.

Liam did take Niall upstairs to his bedroom, and it was quite normal for a couple minutes, and Niall pretended to be looking around while Liam was watching him like a hawk, trying to keep it together, until he just couldn’t do it anymore.

“Niall-“

The moment Liam had stepped closer, having reached out very slowly to touch Niall’s arm, the other boy had already turned right around on an instant, standing a lot closer to Liam than he would have expected. “Yeah?”

There was really no need to talk anymore, they were really just dancing around it now, not knowing how to approach the situation in a sober state. So Liam just did what probably no one in his situation would have done, and that was cupping Niall’s face and kissing him in the middle of the room, a bit too desperately considering Niall had just admitted that he wasn’t even attracted to him downstairs.

For not finding him attractive though, his arms were quite fast around Liam’s neck and he deepened the kiss almost instantly, even taking Liam by surprise.

It was really messy, they both clearly only did this with each other and hadn’t done it in a while, but it was comfortable at the same time, because Liam knew Niall by now, he knew how he moved and how he felt against him, so it was really easy to get into it, and forget about everything else. 

Niall was clinging so tightly to Liam that it almost hurt when he was pulling at his hair, but also in a good kinda way and Liam had let his hands slip to put them on Niall’s hips instead, probably squeezing him way too tightly but he honestly wouldn’t have noticed. All he could think about was Niall’s lips against his own, and his tongue moving with his, the quiet noises escaping him once in a while.

They had never done this in Liam’s room before, so it wasn’t really that surprising that they were a little uncoordinated, but when Liam felt himself hitting his bed, he simply let himself fall, pulling the other boy with him even though they had to break the kiss just for that. Niall did end up laughing after having fallen quite gracelessly on top of Liam, and Liam joined, trying to catch his breath for a second.

“I _knew_ this wouldn’t work in real life.” Niall laughed, moving a bit until he was lying down comfortably and Liam made sure to keep holding onto him, his arm still around Niall’s back, the other’s weight resting on top of it as Liam leaned over him. 

“Are you hurt?” Liam half whispered, just to be sure, and Niall simply shook his head, already having calmed down as Liam leaned down to kiss him again. Niall let his jaw relax immediately when Liam licked across his bottom lip and by now it felt completely natural to do all of this, almost as if they hadn’t just not seen each other in what felt like ages.

They made out on Liam’s bed made for a while, and when Niall’s hands started wandering, Liam thought about stopping him, but it felt good so he just let it happen, let Niall slip his hands underneath his shirt and up his chest, caressing his skin. Obviously Liam felt his body reacting to it, and he was pretty sure Niall could as well because of how close they were, both out of breath now and getting hot, but Liam still wouldn’t have ever grown tired of this.

It was Niall who broke the kiss, turning his head just slightly and their breath was still mixing because of how close they were as he whispered. “Can we try something?”

“What?” Liam whispered back, a little confused because he had no idea where this was going and his head was still spinning from all the making out.

Instead of answer, Niall moved his hand lower, and lower, and when he reached the hem of Liam’s jeans, it finally made click in Liam’s head. “Only if you want…”

For a second, Liam did actually have to think about it, slowly blinking his eyes open as Niall did the same, heart hammering in his chest as he looked down at the other boy, his mouth feeling a little dry all of a sudden. Now he did feel drunk again for some reason because whatever was happening right now didn’t even feel bloody real.

“I’ve never… “ Liam started before trailing off, although he knew they were in the same boat here.

“Me neither.” Niall answered anyways, chest heaving against Liam’s as he struggled to fill his lunges with air, his face all flushed, lips swollen and Liam could barely stand not kissing him anymore. “We don’t have to… “

“I want to.” He did, he just didn’t really know how to go about it, and stupid as he was, he kinda had to ruin the mood of course. “… have you ever gotten tested?”

“What? For STD’s?” For a second, they were just looking at each other, and then Niall burst out laughing while Liam was embarrassed but at the same time had actually meant it. “No, for what? I’ve never even touched anybody like that. Have you?”

“No… “ Should they have been concerned now? Like, they weren’t going to go all the way now, obviously, but like… were they being unsafe? “I was just wondering.”

“We’re not gonna like… _do_ it, right? I mean, my hands are clean. I think.” He was joking now, which only made Liam more embarrassed. “I’ve never put on a condom in my life.”

“I don’t have any condoms so that’s the least problem.” It was kind of amusing, in all of this mess and Liam kinda wanted to laugh but he also wanted to cry a bit and at the same time he wished he could have kept his mouth shut and just gone with it. “Can we just forget I asked?”

Instead of an answer, Niall simply chuckled before pulling Liam’s head down to kiss him again and it only took a couple seconds for them to get back into it. Liam did end up pulling his arm out from underneath Niall because it was falling asleep, letting the other boy do all the work now because it had been his idea and Liam wouldn’t have known where to start anyways.

Niall also took his time fumbling with Liam’s jeans, and Liam just let him figure it out on his own while they were still snogging, but the second Niall had actually managed to open the button and zipper one handed, Liam felt as if it was boiling hot in his room. 

The other boy did not immediately do anything, he just kissed Liam for a bit longer, but the longer it went on the harder it was for Liam to keep it together, so when Niall did move his hand into his jeans, awkwardly cupping his erection over his boxer shorts, it almost felt like too much already. It was definitely messy, they were still making out and then again not really, but the whole built up and all the snogging and the friction was enough for Liam anyways.

They were more breathing against each other as Niall kept fondling Liam through his shorts and when he came it was really unexpected and short, but it still felt good and Liam needed a moment to catch his breath after. “Fuck… “

“Sorry, I suck at this.” The other boy half whispered and Liam didn’t know why but he suddenly had to laugh, slotting one of his legs between Niall’s. 

“It was alright.” He made sure to tell Niall before leaning down to kiss him some more, his skin feeling hot and sweaty, the entire room feeling as if they were about to burn up and yet it was all kind of exciting and Liam didn’t want to stop for anything in the world.

He let Niall rub against him as they kept making out, until the other boy’s breathing got rigid and Liam pushed a hand down between them, not bothering with Niall’s pants like he had done the other way around, but instead touching him over his jeans.

“Can you come like this?” Liam asked quietly, looking down at Niall as they had broken the kiss, both of them breathless and Niall’s eyes pressed shut as he nodded.

It was kind of fascinating, watching Niall come apart underneath him, watching him come into his jeans also, as if they were teenagers. To be fair, they were both pretty inexperienced and this had come out of nowhere and for that it had still been good. In Liam’s opinion at least.

As Niall had come down from his high, they both needed a moment to just breathe, and Liam almost rolled off of the other boy, but Niall held onto him, apparently not wanting him to move, so he didn’t. 

“I don’t know what to say.” Niall broke the silence after a while, slowly opening his eyes so Liam quickly pretended as if he hadn’t been staring down at him the entire time. 

“You don’t have to say anything.” Because Liam honestly also didn’t know what to say, or how to feel, this was SO not going after plan. It was so far off actually that Liam would have been upset with himself had he not enjoyed it all so much. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. ‘course.” He sounded like he meant it, so that was a relief. “Are you?”

“Yeah.” Liam answered without thinking, way too aware of Niall’s body against his, his warmth, and he was still tasting him in his mouth and feeling him everywhere at once and it was just… god damn it, they had really done _that_. And without any alcohol involved whatsoever. “I just feel kinda gross.”

“Me too.” Niall laughed and Liam felt himself smiling even though there actually wasn’t even anything to be smiling about right now. They had literally just made each other come in their pants after Liam had planned on ending all of this and just being normal friends first. “But it’s alright… your mom’s not coming home anytime soon, right?”

“Why’d you have to mention my mom now?” Liam pulled a face while the other boy just kept on laughing until he joined and it all felt really ridiculous but not bad at the same time, it was like… Liam couldn’t even describe it. “You can borrow some clothes though, I have-“

“Okay, but not now.” And with that Niall had quickly ended the conversation as he put his other arm around Liam as well, pulling a bit until the other boy was really almost on top of him.

It was kinda obvious that Niall just wanted to cuddle and Liam _hated_ how happy it was making him, but he obviously wouldn’t have resisted when he wanted the same. Neither of them had done this, and both of them had thought they’d never end up with anybody, so obviously it was new and exciting and maybe a little pathetic but Liam pushed all of that aside for now.

No idea where this was going, whether they’d just go back to ignoring each other and then meeting up once a while to do things like that, Liam didn’t even want to think about the near future right now, didn’t even wanna think about what would happen tomorrow or in just a few hours. 

They did move after a while, so they were both lying on their backs, but so close that they were still touching and Niall had his head on Liam’s arm, but it was comfortable and Liam thought that he could have stayed this way for a really long time even though they weren’t really talking. He still felt gross because they hadn’t changed, but he had zipped his pants back up so that was a start. Or something like that. 

When Niall moved, Liam almost panicked before he realized he had just been searching for his phone. It did give him a rush of jealously that Niall was now apparently texting other people, but that passed very quickly.

“Zayn texted me… “ Niall mumbled, almost having Liam complain out loud right then and there, but he decided not to because the other boy was already continuing. “He’s throwing a New Year’s party?”

“Okay?” Liam tried not to care, but somehow he still ended up caring even more than he would have thought. No idea why though, it’s not like they would have spent New Year’s together, right?

“I don’t know if I should go… “ It seemed Niall was more talking to himself and Liam was about to tell him that he didn’t care because of how upset he was all of a sudden, but there was actually no need. “Do you wanna come as well?”

“Uh, I don’t know if he’d want me there.” They were on good terms again and all, but…

“Why not? He even said I could invite people as well.” Oh. “I think it’d be fun.”

“Like the last party we were at?” It just slipped out, and Liam made sure to laugh to hide his embarrassment.

“Yeah? It _was_ fun.” Just the after hadn’t been fun, but Liam bit his tongue, trying not to get too hyped over the fact that apparently Niall wanted him to come to this party with him. “You could ask Louis and Harry as well. Or maybe Zayn already texted Louis anyways, I think they talk quite a lot.”

“I don’t know.” Liam was about to shrug before he remembered that Niall’s head was on his arm so he resisted. Kinda crazy, the fact that just a couple hours ago he hadn’t even known whether Niall would ever talk to him again and now they had snogged for what had felt like hours and gotten off together and Niall was inviting him to other people’s parties. 

“I’ll tell him you’ll come as well. Okay?” Apparently Niall didn’t find it weird to text back literally 2 minutes later having already asked Liam, but whatever.

“Okay.” Was all Liam said, already convinced anyways, and he had to admit he was feeling quite good about it when Niall let his phone drop and suddenly wrapped an arm around his stomach so they could be closer.

“Good.” The other boy decided, his eyes closed when Liam checked and hesitantly petted the arm resting around him, just for a second. 

Maybe this was very wrong, and Liam would probably regret it as soon as Niall had left and they’d go back to being all weird with each other and Niall would pretend he had never even wanted Liam to come to Zayn’s party, but it still didn’t stop Liam from enjoying it. By now he kinda didn’t have a choice left but to having to admit to himself that he definitely had at least a crush on Niall, most likely even more, because it would’ve been quite ridiculous to do all this otherwise.

On the other hand, Niall kept denying he was attracted to guys altogether, so maybe he really was using Liam for experience and to feel less lonely, but then even if he did… did it really matter in the end? Because even if Niall would have been into him as well, they couldn’t have been together, not really. Not with Niall’s soulmate out there somewhere and Niall wanting to find them so desperately.

He would’ve ghosted Liam on the spot had he met that person, wouldn’t he?

“Liam?” Niall asked after quite a while, his arm still around Liam’s middle, lightly though, and Liam had been overthinking so much, completely lost in thoughts, that he almost flinched a bit.

“Hm?” He was getting tired somehow, and lying here like this was nice and Niall was warm and cuddly. 

“Can I… “ The other boy started, but then he stopped, and Liam was confused, opening his eyes only to realize Niall was playing with the hem of his shirt, awfully close to pushing it up high enough to reveal Liam’s scar. Oh.

“If you want.” Liam didn’t know what for, but he allowed Niall to pull his shirt up that tiny bit higher, suddenly sitting up halfway, probably to get a better look, and Liam felt his cheeks turning hotter. Niall had seen the scar of course, on Louis’ and Harry’s balcony in the middle of the night, but they had both been drunk, so it was a lot weirder to have him staring at it now in a fully lit room.

Niall didn’t say anything at first, he also didn’t touch it, and Liam kept staring at him, closely watching his reaction, not really knowing what the purpose of this was, or where Niall’s curiosity came from. It was just a scar, healed a really long time ago, it could’ve been from anything.

When Niall did speak up, Liam had already half expected the question. “How did you really do it?”

It made Liam wanna sigh, but then he held back, watching Niall’s face for so long that the other boy looked at him instead of his scar. “I’m not t-“

“I’m not asking for me. I’m not gonna do the same, I just wanna know.” Niall made it sound like a promise, and for some reason, it made Liam’s stomach sink a little because it was just more confirmation that Niall wanted to be with his soulmate more than anything. Obviously.

(A.N.: if you don’t wanna read minor mentions of self harm, then please don’t read the rest of the chapter, I can tell you everything necessary that happened in the comments!)

Maybe that’s why he just said it, even though it was really no one’s business. “I cut it out.”

“W- What?!” Almost immediately, the other boy’s eyes went huge and Liam looked away, regretting having said anything at all but now it was too late so he had to keep on talking.

“There’s no other way to do it, I spent a really long time looking it up. I’m not telling you with what but I think you can imagine that yourself.” And Liam was also going to spare him any more details, and the aftermath, because Niall had already gone pale.

“But- but didn’t it hurt?! How much did it bleed?!” He really was a lot more shocked than Liam would have thought.

“’course it hurt. And it was bleeding a lot.” Obviously, what had Niall thought how Liam had done it? “I didn’t feel it so much though. Adrenaline, I think. And I was really heartbroken and angry.”

“But like… how did you even- how’d you even get yourself to do it? And like- like _finish_ it? Like hurting yourself like that, it’s- I could never do that.” Now Niall’s face was just filled with pure horror, looking from Liam’s scar back into his eyes, probably imaging the whole scene.

No idea what had possessed Liam to say what he did, but he did it anyways, without missing a beat even. “It wasn’t the first time I did it. Back then, I mean, not anymore now.”

“You… “ Niall looked confused for a single second before he realized what Liam was talking about and his jaw simply dropped and Liam didn’t really know what else to say or how to react, because this conversation should have never even happened.

Especially when he suddenly saw tears in the other boy’s eyes.

“It was a long time ago, years. I was just a teenager, it’s all just scars now, nothing more.” Liam tried to talk it better, still lying down though looking up at Niall, feeling guilty and ashamed at the same time. So much for never wanting this day to end.

“But… it’s not all in the past. You’re still not happy now, are you?” The tears didn’t spill over, but Niall’s face had turned red and Liam was almost embarrassed by how much the boy seemed to pity him now for things that had happened so many years ago.

“Are you?” Liam asked without answering the question, because they both knew the answer either of them would have given. Maybe this was why they couldn’t stop doing what they were doing, because it was like an escape from everything else going on. “Life’s not always great, it’s just the way it is. Everyone copes differently.”

“That is no way to cope though, that’s-“

“Which is why I stopped. Long ago.” Liam interrupted, making Niall close his mouth but they were still staring at each other, the entire mood ruined. “Look, I was a teenager, I was unhappy, I was heartbroken and I made a lot of mistakes I can never undo, I know that, I’m reminded of it every day. Do you now understand why I didn’t wanna tell you and why I was afraid you’d do the same?”

Niall took a moment before he nodded silently, throwing another look at Liam’s scar, his voice having gotten more quiet. “I’m sorry I pushed you to tell me.”

“It’s fine. Just don’t end up making the same mistake, okay?” Maybe this was the only good coming out of this, that at least Niall was shocked enough to never wanting to break his bond as well.

The other boy just nodded again, eyes still glued to Liam’s hip for a couple more seconds before he looked at his face again. “I wish I could help.”

“You don’t have to help me. You should help yourself first.” Seriously, because while Liam had had a dark past and struggles, he felt like Niall’s life was maybe a little bit more of a mess than his was right now. As mean as that sounded, but Niall also didn’t deny it.

Liam couldn’t say he was surprised when Niall suddenly kissed him again out of nowhere, maybe to change the topic, maybe so he wouldn’t have to answer, or maybe that was him helping himself after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys!!!
> 
> i cant believe i finished this chapter on time hahaha, i wrote it all until 4 in the morning but here we are and i hope you all enjoyed it <33 i also hope you already got your christmas shopping done if you are celebrating because i sure as hell havent and im stressing out now as usual!
> 
> thank you for all the lovely comments and the kudos on the last chapter, id love to hear your thoughts on this chapter as well :) <3


	7. Chapter 7

“… what did you say?“ Liam had barely heard Niall’s mumble into his shirt, completely lost in thoughts and at the edge of freaking the fuck out. He was keeping it together pretty well on the outside though, or so he liked to believe at least.

“’m kinda hungry.” Niall repeated himself, just a tad louder this time, but it was enough to make Liam feel guilty. Even though they had gotten off together and snogged for way too long, Niall was still Liam’s guest after all. 

“I can make food.” He offered immediately, without having thought it through in any way whatsoever. Was there even food at home?

“Okay.” The other boy agreed, remaining in his position next to Liam a bit longer, breathing against his arm, before sitting up. He looked as if he had just woken up, face still flushed and his hair a complete mess, clothes out of place. Liam probably looked the same. 

“Okay… “ Liam was more talking to himself, licking his lips briefly as he tore his eyes away from Niall, forcing himself to roll out of bed or they might have never. “D’you wanna borrow something to wear?”

“Depends.” Niall answered after a moment, his face a bit red when Liam looked at him in confusion. “Can I borrow underwear?”

“I mean- of course.” Right. They were a mess.

Liam had no idea what to give Niall to wear, but while looking through his closet, he randomly found the shirt Niall had borrowed him that he had forgotten to give back. Stupid as Liam was, but mostly embarrassed, he decided to just ignore that for now, give it to Niall at some other point. Maybe he’d need an excuse sometime in the future to meet up with him, who knew what would happen.

Liam changed in his own room after having shown Niall the bathroom, he didn’t wait for him to finish though and simply went downstairs into the kitchen to check if they even had any food at home or else he’d have to order in. Luckily, there was enough to make _something_, meaning that Liam would at least be busy and they wouldn’t just awkwardly sit and wait for the delivery person. 

Kinda strange considering they had been more intimate with each other than with anybody else in their lives just a couple minutes ago.

“You like burritos, yeah?” Liam checked even though he had already started as Niall joined him in the kitchen, obviously a bit unsure about what to do as he simply leaned against the counter to watch.

“Sure.” The other boy agreed, not looking too thrilled, but Liam was pretty certain that it was because he would have to wait a bit longer to eat.

“I’m vegetarian.” Liam informed him for no reason at all, maybe to lower his expectations about the burritos, but Niall seemed indifferent.

“Okay. Why?” Was all he asked, not in an aggressive way or whatever, but as if he was genuinely interested. Or was simply good at pretending. Probably the latter to be honest.

“Ethical reasons and stuff.” Liam shrugged, feeling a bit weird about having started this conversation right now but it was too late anyways. “And the climate and everything.”

“That’s pretty cool.” Niall nodded a bit too himself, having crossed his arms in front of his chest when Liam threw a quick look at him. “I’m the best vegetable chopper you’ll ever meet.”

“Prove it.” Liam laughed as he opened a drawer to get a knife for Niall and the other boy smiled, pushing away from the counter as he came over.

It was kinda nice, cooking together or whatever, talking mostly about food and topics that weren’t personal and had nothing to do with whatever had happened upstairs in Liam’s bed. Maybe they’d just never talk about it, ever, maybe that was their things, just pretending none of the intimate stuff was real. It would have killed Liam at some point, pretty sure, but he didn’t have the strength to change it.

“How is it?” Liam was a little worried when they were finally done, watching Niall take his first bite, and a massive one as well, but he seemed rather pleased while chewing, needing a moment until he had swallowed.

“Really good.” It sounded genuine, but Liam wasn’t all too convinced.

“How hungry were you?” He asked with a laugh, and Niall rolled his eyes, but he smiled, already having taken another bite so he had to cover his mouth with his hand as he replied.

“Pwetty.” He answered with a full mouth, but he was eating, so that was really all Liam cared about right now. They had nothing else to eat at home anyways, and all the stores were closed as well so it was like, whatever. Liam was a horrible host, there was nothing else to say about that really.

The thing was, it wasn’t actually that late in the day yet, meaning they had all the time in the world, but Liam was unsure if Niall even wanted that. Did he himself even want it, with everything going on? With them avoiding the thing they should have talked about? It was really stressful, not knowing what was going to happen, what Niall thought about it, what was going through his head.

They did the dishes together after they were done eating, Liam offered Niall some more cookies that the other boy ate as fast as if he were still starving. Upon Liam asking about it, Niall claimed he was about to burst though, so there was that.

“Maybe we should go on a walk.” Niall suggested the moment Liam had put away the last dish, already having started to worry about what they were going to do now, whether it would get awkward any second. 

“It’s snowing.” Liam told him upon looking out of the window, but Niall seemed unimpressed. In fact, he sounded even more excited about his idea now.

“I know. But only a bit, it looks nice. It’s not that cold either.” It was freezing.

“Okay.” Honestly, Liam did NOT want to go on a walk right now, or even leave the house for a single second, but if Niall wanted them to… he didn’t have much of a choice. And at least it was something to do and at least it meant Niall didn’t wanna leave and actually wanted to spend more time with Liam. … right?

Because Niall had come here barely wearing anything, Liam forced him to borrow more clothes from him, and the other boy just took them with no complaint. They still weren’t really dressed appropriately for the kinda temperatures outside, but Niall either didn’t seem to notice or he simply did not care, because it seemed he was super excited about the snow while Liam was worried about his shoes getting wet on the inside.

“I’m kinda sad it didn’t snow for Christmas.” Niall told him as they were walking Liam’s usual go-to path whenever he went on walks. The one he had also once taken Niall on a while ago. 

“I was really happy it didn’t snow.” Liam admitted, shrugging when Niall’s expression turned shocked. 

“Would you rather it was hot?” The other boy asked, if that was supposed to make Liam change his mind.

“Yeah. I’d prefer heat over this any day.” Well, at least until summer was actually here and Liam couldn’t fall asleep due to the heat but whatever. 

“Well, I can imagine you probably get a nice tan over the summer while I just turn red.” Kinda true, but only if Liam actually made an effort to go outside for longer than necessary. “Working at the restaurant during the summer is hell as well. The air condition is always broken.”

“Don’t the customers complain?” They were walking uphill now, slowly though, because the way wasn’t exactly completely ice free.

“They always complain.” Good point. “Are you gonna be there for this thing in January?”

“What thing?” Liam was confused because if there was a thing at the restaurant, he should’ve probably heard about it.

“I don’t know it’s like, a meeting or whatever. Some guy is gonna come and show us how to properly treat customers or something. Everyone has to be there, I don’t even work that day so I gotta come in just for that.” Niall sounded annoyed while Liam was a bit puzzled because this was the first time he had heard about it.

“Maybe they’re planning on firing me before that because no one told me.” Great way to find out.

“I doubt it, they need you. Zayn told me how bad the new people are doing and they’re not even firing them. You’re probably working that day so they didn’t feel a need to tell you.” Then why had he asked if Liam was going to be there? “I really don’t wanna go back to work.”

“You could work somewhere else.” Liam really did not want him to, but then again, they never had any shifts together so what difference would it make? 

“No, it’s too stressful and it pays kinda well. I think I’d probably feel that way about most other jobs.” Niall shrugged, and Liam really got it because that was exactly how he had felt at the beginning as well. “At least I know everyone already. And you and Zayn work there.”

“We never work together.” Liam reminded him in an attempt to get his heart to calm down from hearing Niall say that. 

“We do sometimes.” Not really, but Niall was rarely ever there so maybe it felt that way to him. “Anyways, it’s whatever, I probably won’t ever quit.”

“When you graduate?” He wasn’t planning on staying there forever, was he?

“_If_ I graduate.” Niall corrected him, not leaving Liam a chance to disagree though. “It’s just- I don’t know. I keep thinking, like, who cares when or if I finish uni? I mean, I’m trying my best and I’m planning on finishing, but who knows what will happen until then. And also, even if I do get my degree, maybe I won’t ever find a job. And if I do find one what if I hate it? What if it’s even worse than the restaurant? What’s the point in that?”

“You earn more money and you didn’t do all these years at uni for nothing.” On the inside, Liam wanted to agree with Niall, but he was trying to help him instead. Not very successfully.

“Money for what? I don’t even have any interests.” Great, were they the same person?

“I don’t know, it makes you feel more secure.” That was a good answer, Liam was proud of himself.

“What if I get fired? What if I hate the job so much it affects my mental health in a really bad way? What am I gonna do then?” Now he sounded truly frustrated, and Liam didn’t know how they had gotten to this point in their conversation, but they had reached the top of the hill now and he had kinda forgotten about how cold it was and that his fingers were freezing off.

“I don’t think there’s a point in thinking about this in too much detail, I get freaked out over the future as well, but there’s really nothing you can do other than try your best right now. And do what you think is right, for you.” Way easier said than done, Liam was aware of that, but he was afraid if he fed into Niall’s worries by telling him he felt the same way then they would get absolutely nowhere at all. They’d just freak each other out even more.

“But I _am_ thinking about it in too much detail, I can’t just stop.” Niall sighed, abruptly stopping to enjoy the view for a bit, so Liam did the same, shoving his hands into his pockets as he stood next to the other boy. “This sucks.”

“What sucks?” Liam already knew the answer before Niall had spoken up.

“Everything. I don’t know what I’m doing, or why. And I’m not sure I’ll ever find out and it really scares me that maybe I won’t. Maybe everything really is for nothing and it’s all a waste of time and I’ll still feel this way in 50 years when I’m old and alone.” He said it as if it was already decided that that was his fate, as if 50 years was nothing at all. 

“Niall, I’m gonna say something now, but you can’t get mad, okay? Because I actually mean it in a positive way.” Liam had hesitated for a second before saying this, but he felt like Niall was leaving him no choice. The other boy seemed stunned as they looked for each other, but he nodded slowly, clearly unsure of it. “Just because you miss your soulmate doesn’t mean you should throw your life away until you meet her again. Having a soulmate doesn’t make you complete, you know? You’re still gonna be you and lead your own life and make your own decisions. It’s not a magic cure for all your problems.”

There was no answer, Niall just stared at Liam, blinking a few times when snowflakes got caught in his eyelashes and Liam shivered a bit in the wind.

“I know how you feel, okay? We’re on the same page, apart from this soulmate thing. I’m scared about the future as well, and about what job I’m gonna have, if I’ll like it, that I might already be too old, that every day of my life will be the same and I’ll eventually go insane because I’ll feel so pointless. About all the things that could go wrong, if I’ll ever have kids and enough money and god knows what. But we’re still both here and we should try to make the best of it, even if we don’t always feel like it.” What else was there to do that wasn’t going to turn this conversation way too dark?

Again, Niall was just staring, his face was red, but not as much as the tip of his nose, and Liam was almost about to suggest they should probably go back home and warm up when Niall spoke up, seemingly completely out of context, as if he hadn’t even heard what Liam had just said. “Why’d you say that?”

“Why’d I say what?” Liam had said a whole lot of stuff, or so it felt like, but apparently he could have spared himself the energy of coming up with it.

“Why’d you say _her_?” Wait… he was still thinking about that?

“It was automatic. You said you’re straight, so I was assuming, I’m sorry if-“

“I never said I’m straight.” Niall interrupted, almost sounding as if he was about to get bad and Liam suddenly felt really unsure of what to answer because what was even going on?

“You said you’re not into guys.” Multiple times, Liam hadn’t been hallucinating that because he had gotten way too upset over it. 

“Doesn’t mean my soulmate couldn’t be a guy.” Okay, why was he getting all defensive now?!

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed.” Now Liam was just getting more and more confused, was Niall angry? Had he even been listening to whatever Liam had said before? “Are you… mad?”

“No.” Niall answered immediately, but at the same time, he turned away from Liam, again staring off in the distance and at some point Liam was honestly going to get a massive headache trying to keep up with Niall’s mood swings. “So we agree we both have no interests and goals and are just wasting our time?”

“I mean… kind of?” Probably not a good idea to admit it, but Liam had reached a point with Niall where he really didn’t know what to say anymore because it seemed nothing was going to make him feel better anyways. Liam got that, too, but he had still been hopeful. “But it’s got nothing to do with a soulmate.”

“Probably.” Niall shrugged, kicking at some stones on the ground as he crossed his arms in front of his chest, probably also starting to freeze. “I kinda- I was hoping that it did have something to do with it. So I could use it as an excuse or something. So that… so that I could tell myself it will all change once I find them. I know that’s stupid, but… it’s how I felt. Or feel.”

“It’s not stupid.” Far from it, but Liam didn’t know how tell Niall that while he was literally shivering next to him and his lips were starting to feel numb. “I’ve been using it as an excuse as well, at least in front of myself because barely anyone knows about- you know. I’m forcing myself to do a lot of things that I know people expect me to do, I still talk about soulmates with my family as if I hadn’t broken my bond ages ago, like I’m two different people. But then I always think maybe one day it will all make sense, like, maybe one day I’ll realize all of this was necessary to happen for me to learn some kinda lessons. So I could end up where I’m supposed to be.”

“And what if that day never comes?” Niall asked quietly, and luckily, Liam had already expected that question.

“I’ll never know, that’s the nice part. It could happen today or tomorrow or in 50 years, or like, on the last day of my life. It still kinda gives everything a reason and that’s comforting.” At least on most days, Liam also had really bad days, had had REALLY dark days in the past, but he was trying to encourage Niall right now and not make him feel worse. “… do you mind if we go back? It’s kinda cold.”

Niall just shook his head, apparently still thinking about what Liam had just said as they were walking down the hill once more and Liam felt kinda good about himself that he had made Niall think at least. Also that he had gotten to a point in life where he was able to actually relate to Niall and give him advice because he had been in the same headspace. Still sometimes was.

Somehow he was also glad that Niall knew about his past, about the scars, because maybe it’d keep him from doing the same. Or at least come talk to Liam, as strange as their friendship or whatever was. This was why it was so hard to break off whatever they were doing, not only because Liam was kinda really into Niall.

“Thank you.” Niall told him after neither of them had said a word for a while, and Liam almost missed it.

“For what?” Seriously, he hadn’t really done anything, just rambled on about things. 

“Just, for understanding. I always gotta pretend in front of Zayn whenever we talk about these things, and in front of my family and it’s- it’s exhausting. It always makes me feel like I’m crazy whenever we talk about my dream career or whatever and I gotta make something up but all I’m thinking is it’s actually exhausting enough just trying to be, like… normal. Whatever that means.” He shrugged, and Liam wished they could have walked faster, but he felt like it was important not to change the topic again. “I don’t mean it in a bad way at all, I wish I could be like Zayn and be really into art, or like, I don’t know… _anybody_ else.”

“A lot of people have these problems, most of them just don’t talk about it.” Like both Niall and Liam, until now.

“I know that, but somehow that doesn’t make me feel better at all.” Also understandable, but what else had Liam been supposed to say that wasn’t too depressing? “If it was more socially acceptable then we could talk about these things and then everyone would feel so much better because they’d know they aren’t alone and that it’s not strange to be so overwhelmed by every day life that it seems impossible to actually achieve stuff like a whole degree on top of that. No one hands you a medal for just living your life as if nothing was wrong when everything _is_ wrong.”

“Because a ton of people never feel this way, so they don’t consider you might just be pretending. It’s not because they’re ignorant.” And a ton of them never found anybody to talk about it either, so Liam was actually counting himself lucky to have this conversation with Niall, even if it was dark and not very cheerful. “If nothing else, at least you and I understand what it’s like.”

“Yeah… “ No idea if that was making Niall feel better or not, it didn’t really sound like it as they were just walking in silence for a moment, but apparently, Liam must have done or said something right because the next thing he knew was Niall reaching over to somehow squeeze his hand into Liam’s pocket where he had long buried his own.

It made Liam’s face even redder than it had probably already been because of the cold when Niall grabbed a hold of his hand, just for a moment, not really warming it because his was freezing as well. He did hold on though, not for very long, but long enough that Liam had time to wish he wouldn’t let go, squeezing back. He did let go though, and they didn’t really speak about it, just like they seemed to never really speak about a lot of things that mattered.

When they got home, Liam felt a bit bad that he couldn’t really offer Niall anything to drink to warm up, and he felt guilty for feeling relieved that he could at least be certain that the other boy wouldn’t wanna go outside anytime soon again. Meaning he probably wouldn’t go home for a while. 

“Can I wash my hands?” Niall asked as soon as they had taken off their shoes, and Liam just nodded, because of course he could wash his hands, only understanding why though when Niall was holding his hands under warm water in the kitchen.

“You can also take a shower.” Liam offered, a little worried as he looked at the other boy’s red face, the fact that he was still wearing his jacket as well.

“I’m okay, thanks though.” He sounded as if he meant it, keeping his hands under the water for a bit longer and Liam handed him some paper towels to dry off after. “Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea.” 

“I like going on walks.” Liam shrugged, not wanting to say that he was a little relieved that they had had this conversation because it kinda made him feel as if he understood Niall a bit better, and his actions as well. The fact that they couldn’t really agree on where they were standing, or why they were doing whatever they were doing. Why they couldn’t stop.

Eventually Niall did take off his jacket, but he kept the hoodie he had borrowed from Liam on as they went to sit in the living room this time where Liam had left the presents he had gotten from the other boy, which, honestly, felt like a lifetime ago by now. 

“When’s your mom coming back?” Niall asked, pulling one of the pillows on his lap to play with it, enough distance between them that one could’ve believed they had just met. 

“Tomorrow.” Liam told him the truth after thinking about it for a second, not having wanted for it to come off strange, as if he was suggesting anything. He wasn’t, but Niall could make of it whatever he wanted. “My sister lives really far away so there’d be no point to visit her and leave on the same day.”

“How often to you see her?” Good question.

“Twice a year?” It was a guess, Liam wasn’t really counting. Also, since he had come to always stay at home for their Christmas visit as well… probably once. “We text and we Facetime sometimes. But I’ve gotten used to it, and she’s got a family so she’s busy and stuff. I see my other sister more often. Do you have siblings?”

“I’ve got an older brother. Don’t see him that often either, but it’s better that way because we don’t get along.” Niall shrugged, but then he laughed, letting himself fall more into the couch. “We did get drunk together on Christmas Eve, so that was a nice bonding experience.”

“Didn’t you get drunk with the entire town?” Now Liam had to laugh as well when Niall simply shrugged.

“Still counts.” He insisted, so Liam decided to give him that, trying not to think about their phone conversation they had had that night. Somehow he was convinced that Niall must’ve called him on accident, or he had really been that hammered. Whatever it had been though, it had led to them being here right now, so who was Liam to complain, right? He couldn’t.

Eventually, after some more small talk, Liam did end up turning on the TV, because it felt more natural, and both of them were on their phones for a bit, but like, not because they were ignoring each other or anything, it was like when Liam hung out with Louis or Harry. Which was a nice thought, and he did enjoy the fact that they could be this way around each other, getting to know each other in a more casual way, even with all this stuff going on.

Liam had no idea when his mother would come home tomorrow, probably in the morning, but he would have let Niall stay overnight, actually kinda wanted him to. When it was getting later though and Niall announced he was going to head home, Liam didn’t say anything, tried not to feel disappointed even though he was. Just a bit.

“Are you sure you won’t need this anytime soon?” Niall had tried to give Liam his hoodie back, but Liam had insisted on him keeping it on for his way home. 

“I’ve got tons of hoodies, no worries.” A slight exaggeration, but also not exactly a lie. “Thanks again for the presents.”

“You’re welcome.” The other boy told him while putting on his shoes and Liam was just standing there with his hands shoved in his jeans pockets, watching him with a weird feeling in the depth of his stomach. “Okay… so… we’ll see each other soon?”

“Sure.” Liam agreed immediately, although he didn’t know when, so he made sure to continue, just to remind Niall. “At Zayn’s party?”

“Right, yeah.” Niall nodded, frowning for a second before smiling, which confused Liam quite a bit but he went with it. He didn’t wanna wait 5 days to see Niall again, but what else had he been supposed to say? “Okay, thanks for inviting me over and the food and- yeah. For everything.”

“You’re welcome.” There was a lot more Liam wanted to say, and it seemed Niall did as well but then the moment passed and he cleared his throat, turning around to fumble with the keys in the front door to get it unlocked. It probably didn’t take half as long as it felt, but either way Liam didn’t magically grow enough confidence to say anything smart so it was whatever. “Get home safe.”

“I’ll try.” It was probably supposed to be a joke, but they both just looked at each other strangely after, with the door already open and Niall’s hand on the knob. “Good night.”

“Yeah… “ Clearly, Liam was the master of conversation, but to his defense, it wasn’t even CLOSE to his bedtime. 

Niall smiled awkwardly before turning around, actually taking a step outside and Liam felt disappointment settle in his stomach when the other boy just froze, with his back turned towards him and Liam was really confused for a second. And then it all kinda went too fast for him to get even more confused.

Niall simply turned back around, walking up to Liam so suddenly that the other boy had no time to react before Niall’s hand was already pressed against the side of his neck and they were kissing as if they hadn’t seen each other in a month. It didn’t last long enough for Liam’s taste, Niall pulled back too soon, staying close and keeping his hand in place when he whispered.

“I’ll text you, okay? I promise.” Their lips were still brushing and Liam was afraid his knees might give in at any moment, but he still found himself nodding. “I’m sorry this is a mess.”

“It’s not your fault.” Liam answered automatically, slowly blinking his eyes open as Niall leaned back further and his hand slipped. “Are we… good?”

“Why wouldn’t we be?” Niall looked confused, so Liam counted that as success.

“Just checking.” He admitted, letting out a weird, strangled laugh before kissing Niall one more time before his courage would leave him again, and quickly saying something else before he’d be too embarrassed to open his mouth. “I’m glad we’re friends.”

“Me too…” Niall sounded a bit sad as they pulled apart for good this time, but there was honestly no point in dragging it out even further, even if it kinda hurt. Liam at least, he had no idea what was going through the other boy’s head at this point. “I’ll text you when I’m home. My phone is gonna shut off if I use it outside.”

“Okay.” Liam hadn’t expected Niall to even text him at all tonight, so he was pretty happy with that, just hoping that Niall actually meant it. He had definitely forgotten to text Liam way too many times, whether on purpose or not. “Be careful.”

“I always am.” Niall joked, and when he left for real a moment later, Liam kinda didn’t really know what to do with himself for quite a while.

Niall kept his promise of texting Liam once he was home, apparently having needed a while to get there but maybe Liam was just being a bit paranoid and overly worried. They didn’t exchange too many messages, Liam tried to keep himself busy by himself for a while, and when he texted Niall he was going to go to sleep, he didn’t quite expect the answer he got.

The fact that Liam was literally surrounded by Niall’s smell and the memories of earlier today while lying in his own bed didn’t exactly help him to feel calmer either.

_Niall 00:48  
Ok! Thanks again for today and for listening :) Also for… you know what. sleep tight x_

\------------

“Hey, Li, I was gonna ask you something.” Liam had no idea since when he and Zayn were using nicknames, but apparently… since today?

“What’s up?” He was kinda stressed out after seeing how many reservations they had at the restaurant for later in the evening, and he could barely concentrate on just two tables. Four days had passed since he had seen Niall, and they had actually been texting on a regular basis, like normal fucking people. For once.

On a different note, Liam refused to wash his bedsheets, even after he had spilled something on it a day later and it was disgusting and it had long stopped smelling like Niall, but he just… he just couldn’t bring himself to do it, so he was clinging onto that memory just to hurt himself.

“You’re coming to my party, right? Tomorrow?” Right, they had never actually talked about that, Liam had only ever trusted Niall’s word on it if he was being honest.

“Uh, yeah, if that’s alr-“

“Yeah, yeah, ‘course. Niall told me.” He said it in a really weird way, as if he was expecting Liam to react a certain way, but joke was on him because Liam had been thinking about Niall so much that it felt more natural to talk about him than _not_ talk about him. “I was just wondering if you could bring something? Like, anything, really. I’m a bit broke.”

“Sure, what’d you want me to bring?” Liam asked while continuing to wipe down the table even though it was already clean. “Like, food or… alcohol? Cups? I don’t know.”

“Whatever you want. Everyone’s bringing something, so we should be fine.” He shrugged, and Liam just nodded, not a clue what he was supposed to bring now. “Harry and Louis are bringing food.”

“They’re coming?” Why had they not mentioned that? Like, Liam had seen them two days ago. Briefly, but still.

“Yeah? I invited them. I told them you’d be there too.” Zayn seemed confused, but Liam decided not to dwell on it. It really wasn’t a big deal and he actually didn’t care all too much, he was nervous enough already. How was he supposed to behave around Niall now, with other people watching them? Was anybody allowed to know what was going on between them?

Then again, it really wasn’t in their interest to have anybody find out because other people would just start asking the same questions Liam and Niall refused to talk about with each other.

“Right. I’ll think of something to bring.” Liam switched the topic, never having been happier about new customers coming in. “I’ll take that table.”

So that ended the conversation, and then it got way too busy for them to interact again and Zayn’s shift ended earlier than Liam’s so they never had another chance to talk that night. Then again, to be honest, Liam had other things to worry about anyways.

\------------

Because of how late he got home that night, Liam slept for ages the next day, kinda not hearing any of his 10 alarms and actually missing his morning class, so that wasn’t the best start really. Liam did manage to get to uni on time for his third lecture, taking notes for like 10 minutes before spending the rest of the time thinking about what to bring to this bloody party. He texted both Louis and Niall about it, but Louis was the only one who answered, telling him to just bring some snacks. 

Why did Liam suddenly have a feeling that that was Louis’ subtle hint of trying to tell him he should stay away from alcohol this time?

It was 4 in the afternoon by the time Liam left university, obviously having looked for Niall between all of his classes and lectures, but the campus was just too big. So then Liam went to the grocery store, buying whatever but also not too much. By the time he had gotten home, had eaten, showered AND chosen what to wear, it was late enough to actually think about the fact that Liam had zero clue where Zayn actually lived.

Luckily, Harry was unknowingly helping him out with that.

_Harry 18:29  
I’m driving home from yoga class in a few minutes, should I pick you up on the way? We’re only leaving later but we can go to the party together_

Thank fucking god.

Obviously Liam agreed, his anxiety easing a bit as he got in Harry’s car a while later. “Hi, thanks for picking me up. How was yoga?”

“Alright. I don’t like the new instructor.” He sounded quite serious, waiting for Liam to get on his seatbelt. “Can you text Louis that I’ve picked you up? So he can put on some clothes.”

“O- what?” Seriously, what?

“It’s a long story.” Harry told him, seemingly not at all embarrassed over it though, but when was he ever? So that really didn’t mean anything and Liam actually wished he hadn’t asked. “Actually, it’s not. It’s just an inside joke.”

“Okay, I texted him.” Liam quickly told his friend so he wouldn’t elaborate. “Do you even wanna go to the party?”

“No, but we’ve not gone out in ages and Louis wanted to go, so I thought why not.” That did not sound very enthusiastic, but also not too opposed and Liam didn’t know what to say as he watched Harry fumble with the radio for a bit. His car smelled of some intense refresher hanging from the rearview mirror, but it was too dark for Liam to read the label while Harry was mumbling something under his breath, eventually just turning the radio off altogether. “Do you wanna go?”

“I don’t know.” Liam admitted after a moment, looking out of the window. It was raining, and there was a lot of traffic so they’d probably be stuck in this car for a while. “I don’t like celebrating New Year’s that much in general.”

“Me neither, but it’s whatever. I’m just glad Louis’ not throwing another party at our place.” Understandable, and no one had helped them clean either, because… well, for reasons. Reasons that Harry apparently wanted to bring up right now. “Niall is coming too?”

“Uh, yeah.” Liam cleared his throat, of course being way too obvious about it, but it was Harry and he noticed even more than Louis, even though he usually didn’t mention it. 

“Do you wanna see him?” See, he was asking these questions, making them sound like nothing at all, and Liam knew Harry would’ve just let him change the topic and not kept on pushing, but somehow Liam was too nervous to not wanting to talk about it a little bit. As much as he could without spilling his entire heart to Harry.

“I- I think so.” Not a real lie, Liam was so anxious about it for some reason that he had questioned whether it was a good idea to go to that party at all. “We’re like, friends, so… “

“That’s cool.” Was it? “I told Louis not to get involved. Or ask you about it.”

“Um, thank you.” Oh god, had they been talking about them? And what if Louis had talked to Zayn as well? But he wouldn’t have done that, right? “It’s all good though, that thing at the party was- it’s a while ago now. We’re good.”

“He seems really nice.” They had barely spoken, Harry was clearly only trying to be nice himself and Liam did appreciate it although he wasn’t sure where this conversation was going. Or maybe he did. 

“Yeah… “ He WAS nice, but also a whole bunch of other things Liam couldn’t get into. He kinda wanted to, but it would’ve been too spontaneous and it would’ve made it all too real and he would’ve felt bad telling Harry the truth literally hours before the party and keeping it from Louis. Also, he kinda felt like maybe he should’ve figured this one out on his own. “… what’re you bringing again?”

So they talked about that instead, and Liam was grateful that Harry had given him the option of talking about it had he chosen to, but was also not forcing it or anything. The fact that he had asked at all though kinda alarmed Liam a bit, because it meant no one had forgotten about this Halloween incident, and they all seemed to still be talking about it, questioning whatever was going on between Liam and Niall.

If only they had known.

Louis was most definitely dressed when they arrived, he also pretended as if he was confused about the fact that Harry had told Liam to text him, but one look from Harry was enough for Liam to know that he was putting up an act for him. God, he really did not want to know what this was about.

Harry still had to get ready, so of course Louis convinced Liam to have a drink or two even though Liam had told himself he’d keep it together tonight. Then again, maybe starting a bit earlier would actually help him to stay away from the alcohol at the party and maybe Louis was thinking the same also because he kept talking about how he himself wasn’t planning on drinking a lot and how Harry would stay sober so they could take the car and get Liam home after. 

It made Liam feel a bit better about a few worries he had had but he also couldn’t stop thinking about how it felt a little as if they were his babysitters for tonight.

“Do you know any of Zayn’s friends?” Was this Louis’ way of talking about Niall without mentioning him himself?

“I mean… I know Niall. But no one else, no.” Liam answered after a moment, resisting a huge eye roll. 

“Right.” Louis nodded along, as if he hadn’t at all expected that answer of course. “How is he getting there?”

“No idea.” Not a lie, they had texted this morning but ever since then, no answer. Liam couldn’t be upset though, he knew Niall had had a crazy day at uni. 

“We could pick him up as well.” Louis suggested, and Liam considered it for a moment, kinda really enjoying the idea of arriving _with_ Niall, but then again… too much could have gone wrong.

“He’s probably already there.” Most likely, actually, but even if he wasn’t, he probably had his ways of getting there because Zayn was a close friend of his, so whatever. It would’ve been a lot worse to ask him and get denied than to just not say anything. 

“Okay.” Louis gave in easily, probably only because Harry was walking in the room in that exact moment, wordlessly going through a few drawers before leaving again with a hair dryer. Why they had a hair dryer in the living room, Liam didn’t feel a need to ask. “But we can drive him home.”

“If he wants to. You can ask him.” Liam shrugged, pretending as if he didn’t even care, as if he wasn’t nervous as hell and didn’t kinda wanna blurt out with everything right then and there. He didn’t though, because where would he have even started? “Do _you_ know any of Zayn’s friends?”

“No. I don’t even talk to Zayn that often either, we just text once a while. I was surprised he’s invited us. Maybe he didn’t know who else to ask.” Or maybe because Niall had invited Liam, and Zayn had thought it might get weird, but there was no need to give Louis ideas.

Zayn had told everyone to be there at around 8, but they were half an hour late because Louis suddenly panicked that there wouldn’t be anything normal to eat so he actually made food at home while Liam’s nerves were acting up the entire time. Despite the fact that Louis claimed that no one was ever on time for a party and that they were probably the first people there, that turned out to not be true at all.

Thankfully though, it kinda made the whole thing a lot less awkward, especially considering all these strangers in one place. Zayn was overly enthusiastic when they arrived, which maybe had something to do with the fact that he had easily convinced Louis to go smoke on the balcony, leaving Liam with Harry and a bunch of people they didn’t know.

“They all look wasted already.” Liam pointed out after they had put the food they had brought with everything else. It seemed Zayn had told a few too many people to bring something. 

“Maybe they’re just having fun.” Harry sounded unimpressed, even when he continued. “I’m not having fun.”

“That makes two of us.” Liam answered after having scanned the living room three times and not found Niall. Right, maybe he should have just gone back home because the disappointment was almost unbearable He’d surely still show up though… right? “Wasn’t it Louis’ New Year resolution to stop smoking?”

“Yeah, so he told me he’s gotta finish the last pack before midnight.” Before Liam could have voiced his opinion, Harry had already said it for him. “It’s his resolution every year. He’s cut back though.”

“Maybe this is the year.” Liam couldn’t even believe that himself, so he couldn’t be mad when Harry rolled his eyes.

They got some food and luckily stuck with each other, but then again, why would they have not? They didn’t know anybody else. When Louis and Zayn returned, they both smelled absolutely terrible and Liam feared that Harry and Louis would have a small argument, but that luckily never happened.

The party wasn’t like the parties Louis had, everyone got way more drunk, the music was a lot louder and the space was tighter, so it made it both harder to actually talk to anybody, but also a lot more awkward not to. Which was why Liam just stuck with Harry and Louis the entire time, trying not to think about Niall’s absence or check his phone too often.

What if Niall hadn’t shown up because of him? What if he had suddenly changed his mind about everything? What if he had decided he didn’t actually like Liam as a friend and that it would be easier to just cut off all contact?

Honestly, Liam’s mind was going places he never wanted it to go again, and by the time he genuinely considered leaving, he saw Zayn leaving a group of his friends to get to the front door and yeah, Liam was definitely watching him like a creep.

It would’ve been a lie to say his heart didn’t almost jump out of his chest upon seeing Niall across the room, so much relief spreading through him that he could’ve laughed. Thank fucking god.

“… Liam?” Louis was waving a hand in front of Liam’s face and Liam immediately felt caught, his face turning hot as he blinked a few times, tearing his eyes away from Niall. Okay, he just needed to act cool, as if he hadn’t waited for Niall to get here the entire time. As if he hadn’t been thinking about him nonstop since five days in a row and was dying to talk to thim. 

“Yeah, sorry. What did you say?” Liam cleared his throat, not being able to concentrate on anything, with everyone talking and the music and him being a little bit tipsy. Nowhere near where he had been at the Halloween party though, and he wasn’t planning on continuing drinking, so it was all good.

Louis was talking about whatever while Liam was almost dying trying to resist turning his head, it was like, almost a necessity by now, and yet Liam still flinched when Niall appeared all of a sudden, looking so good that Liam regretted his outfit choice on an instant. Then again, Niall had literally made him come in his pants and watched him, so whatever.

“Hi, guys.” He was smiling, seemingly in a good mood as he briefly waved at Harry and Louis, and then, as if it was completely normal, went to hug Liam. And not even a quick side hug, but an actual hug that lasted a bit longer than appropriate.

There was a very brief moment of silence before Louis broke it immediately. “See, I told you it’s not normal to show up to a party at the time it’s supposed to start. All these people here are weird as well, except us and Niall.”

“I was gonna come earlier, but I took a nap and didn’t hear my alarm and, yeah.” Niall shrugged, but he was laughing at Louis’ comment, still standing so close to Liam that Liam could barely think of anything else. If Niall had really fallen asleep, that would at least explain him ignoring Liam’s texts. Then again… it was normal by now anyways. “I forgot what I wanted to bring at home as well, but seems like there’s enough.”

“I’m gonna take ours home again if no one takes it.” Harry told Louis and Liam had to bite the inside of his cheek because of how serious he had sounded. 

While the other two were talking about whether it was appropriate or not to take home their own leftovers, Liam suddenly felt Niall’s hand on his arm, almost as if he was getting an electric shock. 

“Can you come to the kitchen with me?” Niall was talking loudly considering all the noise, but still quiet enough for only Liam to hear and he was nodding before thinking it through, not saying anything to Harry and Louis as he followed the other boy. “I’m so hungry, I’ve not eaten anything since breakfast.”

“Why?” It was a bit easier to talk in the kitchen, but it was still rather loud. At least they were alone though, with all the food everyone had brought, but it was mostly snacks so Liam doubted Niall would get full from it. 

“I had no time, and I fell asleep at home. Do you think this is edible?” Niall asked, probably only rhetorically because he was already eating and Liam didn’t know why he had asked him to come along, he was just grateful that he had. “Tastes kinda good. Try it.”

Liam wasn’t hungry at all, but he did what he had been told while Niall just ate a bit of everything. Apparently he really hadn’t lied about not having heard his alarm. ”You probably shouldn’t drink anything for a while.”

“I wasn’t really planning on it... you seem really sober as well.” He was obviously joking, and Liam let out a quick laugh, a little embarrassed at the same time. It was weird, the fact that they knew each other’s stages of getting drunk so damn well. “I don’t know if I’ll survive this party without drinking anything though. I barely know any of Zayn’s friends and the ones I do know are already smashed.”

“You can just stick with us.” Liam offered immediately, actually just having meant himself though and judging by Niall’s smile, he was well aware of that. “There’s only 2 more hours left until midnight anyways.”

“I almost forgot this is a New Year’s party. Are you gonna leave straight after?” Niall asked right before eating something else and Liam shrugged, pulling himself up on the counter because it seemed they’d be here for a while. “I think I might. I’m still tired.”

“I’m kinda tired as well.” And what would Liam have done here without Niall?

They spent quite some time in the kitchen, Niall ate quite a bit and they were just casually talking, Liam felt himself sober up, which wasn’t a bad thing at all, and it was fun. It was only when some other people came into the kitchen as well that it got crowded easily, and also really loud because most of them were drunk, and that they decided to leave. 

Harry and Louis didn’t mention them leaving, but Louis did throw quite a few looks at Liam that Liam simply decided to ignore. He wasn’t having the time of his life or anything, but he was grateful that Niall always stuck by his side, that they were getting along great, so when Niall left to go to the bathroom, Liam almost offered to come along. He didn’t, thank god.

“How much time have we got left?” All of them felt ready to leave when Louis asked that question, making Harry check his phone, and Liam felt stuck between wanting to go home and spending more time with Niall.

“Half an hour.” Harry didn’t sound too happy about it either, and it almost made Liam laugh but he held back, trying not to watch the bathroom door like a hawk. “Well, this is just the greatest party, isn’t it?”

“It seems to be for everyone except us. And Niall.” Louis said the last thing with a side eye at Liam, and Liam wanted to sigh. “Speaking of him-“

“Completely randomly.” Liam mumbled under his breath, making Harry smile sympathetically.

“-I really like him, he’s real funny. I approve.” Okay.

“Of what?” Liam decided to play dumb, but his friend wasn’t missing a beat.

“Of this friendship, of course.” He did wink at Liam after, playfully shoving him, very softly, and Liam didn’t know whether to laugh or to be embarrassed. He decided to just stay quiet in the end, waiting for the moment to pass. “I think I need one last smoke before this year is over. Where’s Zayn?”

They all turned to look for Zayn, kinda automatically, and Liam was a bit too focused because it seemed he was the last one to catch sight of Niall right outside the bathroom door with some girl.

“What’s going on with them?” Louis seemed to only be mumbling to himself, and Liam completely shut him out as he watched the scene unfold from the distance, without hearing anything.

They seemed to be having some kinda argument, kinda lasting for quite a while, and it ended with the girl saying whatever to Niall before simply walking off. And then, after a moment of just standing there, Niall turned on the spot and left as well, but out of the front door. It had all gone by so fast that Liam didn’t know what to do, all he knew was that if he didn’t go after Niall right now, he’d definitely regret it.

“Liam-“

Harry did try to stop him, but Liam ignored him, squeezing through a few people, even past that girl that was clearly drunk, until he reached the front door as well, suddenly feeling panicked as he thought about Niall having possibly already left the building because he hadn’t been quick enough.

So of course Liam’s shock was kinda paralyzing him upon stepping out of the apartment, and finding nothing but an empty hallway. Until he turned his head to the side and felt both relief but even more panic.

“Wha-… “ Liam kinda shut himself up, slowly closing the door to shut out the noises from inside, give them more privacy. “Niall… “

Niall wasn’t answering, he was leaning against the wall, one hand on his chest, blinking through his tears as he was clearly struggling to breathe and Liam just stood there, watching, feeling helpless. The other boy was clearly shaking, if not that much, but it was still noticeable that he was trying his hardest to hold back, going through some sort of anxiety attack while Liam had zero clue what to do.

So when he reached out, he did it very slowly, so Niall could pull away if he didn’t wanna be touched. He didn’t seem to mind Liam’s hand on his shoulder, unevenly rubbing circles over the fabric of his shirt, and when Liam slowly stepped in, kinda opening his arms for a hug, the other boy didn’t hesitate for too long.

He hugged Liam so tightly that it hurt, fisting the back of his shirt, not saying a single word but the shaking and shivery breaths spoke volumes anyway and Liam just held him because it was everything he could offer right now. What the hell had just happened with this girl?

“It’ll be okay… whatever it is. I’m here.” Liam whispered, not sure whether it was helping or not, but it was all he could think of while rubbing his hand between Niall’s shoulder blades. There was really nothing else he could have done, just wait it out and hope that Niall would be able to somehow calm down.

It felt like ages, them just standing there in the middle of the hallway, hugging each other while Liam was wrecking his brain trying to come up with the right things to say. He didn’t, and in the end Niall seemed to have managed to calm down by himself, at least enough so that he could talk, half whispering against Liam’s skin.

“I’m sorry… “ He sounded as if he was still crying, or was at least close, and Liam felt himself freeze for a moment.

“Why would you apologize for-“

“Not for t-this.” Niall interrupted, suddenly holding on even tighter onto Liam, sniffing loudly. “Please d-don’t be m-mad.”

“Why would I be mad? What’s going on?” Liam was so confused, but at the same time he didn’t loosen his arms around the other boy, suddenly starting to feel really weird. “Who was the girl?”

Niall didn’t answer immediately, he took a few more shaky breaths, curling his fingers so tightly into Liam’s shirt as if he was afraid he’d disappear otherwise. Now he was for sure crying again as he blurted out with it all. “S-She- you remember… t-this a-app? That y-you deleted off o-of my phone?”

It didn’t click immediately, but when it did, Liam froze again, all of a sudden feeling a bit dizzy as he let it sink in. “You re-installed it and met up with people?”

“O-Only with two.” Niall sobbed, and he wouldn’t have had to continue for Liam to know what was going on. “S-she was o-one o-of them a-and- b-both was a d-disaster a-and I felt l-like s-shit a-and… and I-I didn’t w-wanna be a-alone, so I- I a-asked y-you to c-come o-over...”

“You… “ It was only getting worse, the more Niall revealed, but he seemed to be very well aware of it because he wasn’t letting go of Liam, giving him no chance to step away or bring any kind of distance between them and honestly, Liam was so shocked he couldn’t have moved anyways. “You only asked me to come over because you wanted to- make out? Because you knew I’d play along? ”

“J-Just the f-first two t-times, I s-swear! Liam, I’m s-sorry, I n-never w-wanted t- Please d-don’t be m-mad, _please_, I’m so s-sorry, p-please don’t l-leave me a-alone, I- i-it w-was only t-those t-two t-times a-and a-all the other t-times I did w-wanna be w-with y-you! I n-never m-met u-up w-with them a-again a-after, we d-didn’t e-even t-text a-and I just k-kissed o-one o-of them!” Now Niall was getting hysterical, and Liam felt a bit sick but there was no way in hell he could’ve been mad or worse, jealous. He had absolutely no right. “P-Please d-don’t hate m-me, I-“

“Niall, shhh. You need to calm down, okay? Take a few breaths. I’m not mad, and I could never hate you, alright? You need to try and relax, can you do that?” This was going nowhere, and there were a hundred questions Liam wanted to ask but now was not the time.

Niall was crying and clinging to Liam as he tried to calm down and Liam was stroking his back, trying not to think too much about the first time he had gone over to Niall’s place, because now his confusion back then made sense. The other boy hadn’t just randomly thought of it obviously, he had had it planned, to distract himself, feel better after a bad date. And the second time, he probably had never even failed an exam, or simply used it as an excuse. 

The thing was though, as hurt as Liam was, he couldn’t be because they hadn’t been anything, had barely even been friends or known each other. And if there was one good thing to come out of all this, it was having confirmation that Niall did care about him in some way, or he wouldn’t be here bawling his eyes out begging Liam not to leave him alone.

“D’you wanna sit down maybe?” Liam asked quietly after a while, after Niall’s body had stopped shaking, and there was no answer, but the other boy did loosen one of his arms a bit so they could move, but only after Liam made sure to reassure him. “I’m not leaving, I promise.”

They sat on the first step of the staircase, and Liam didn’t really get a glance on Niall’s face because he immediately buried his against Liam’s neck, still holding onto him tightly enough to hurt. He didn’t say anything, so Liam took that as a sign that that was his job kind of, seeing as Niall was still struggling to calm down.

“You don’t need to apologize for any of it, you know that, right? We’re not- we never called it anything, whatever we were doing. I never had the impression that we were anything either. And even if you were still going on dates and kissed other people it wouldn’t be any of my business.” As hard as it was to say that, it was the truth.

“I’m not… “ Niall whispered, and it shouldn’t have made Liam happy, but it did, a little bit at least. “They didn’t- I never felt that way with them. Like I feel with you… “

“It was only one dat-“

“No, I mean, the way I’ve felt around you, ever since- ever since we met.” Oh. “It’s like- it’s like no matter what I do, somehow I always- I always come back to… you. And it’s not about us making out or doing whatever, if we never did any of that, I’d still wanna hang out with you and… yeah.”

Liam didn’t know what to say, he still had so many questions and his head was spinning, but he was slowly putting the pieces together in his head while absently rubbing Niall’s shoulder, not wanting to interrupt the stream of words leaving his mouth, struggling to explain himself.

“Back inside, the girl, she- she didn’t even… she didn’t even say anything bad, just… she was drunk and we like, had a small argument and then- it just got to me because I thought about you finding out about the stupid app and the dates and- and I panicked and I just- fuck. I always feel like I’m on the edge of a breakdown lately and there were so many people and it was so loud, so it- that’s why I had to leave… Liam… I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix this.” He wasn’t talking about making it up to Liam anymore, that was pretty damn obvious, and Liam kinda had a feeling he knew what all this was about, but he didn’t think Niall was in the headspace to talk about this, especially not here. 

Niall was afraid of the way he felt around Liam, and it both gave Liam a glimmer of hope, but it was also scaring the hell out of him. Because what would this mean in the long run for them? Especially considering Niall’s soulmate situation.

“You don’t have to know what you’re doing, and you don’t have to fix it all right at this second, but I’m always here if you need me, okay? And we can just… just take it a day at a time.” Liam offered, a bit helplessly, but at the same time, he felt a bit relieved as well after having heard all this. 

“Okay… “ The other boy agreed after a moment, snuggling a bit tighter into Liam, his voice going more quiet. “I don’t wanna be alone tonight, I- I mean… can you stay with me? Please?”

“Okay.” Liam said it without thinking about it, because really, there was nothing at all to think about. It would have physically hurt him to say goodbye to Niall tonight.

They were quiet for a while, so quiet that eventually, they could hear everybody inside counting down the last few seconds until midnight, and by the time everyone was cheering, Niall suddenly lifted his head from Liam’s shoulder, barely leaning back but hesitating for a moment, silently asking for permission before kissing Liam on the lips.

It felt different this time, not only because Niall’s face was wet from tears and because it was the first time Liam had kissed anybody for New Year’s, but mostly because it didn’t feel like they were just doing it because it was fun or because Niall simply needed distraction or anything like that. They were actually kissing to be close to one another only.

Liam of course completely forgot about the world around them, forgot about everything except the way Niall felt so close to him, the way he tasted, a little salty because of the tears, but otherwise completely familiar and comfortable, and just… _right_. 

So when the front door behind them got ripped open, they immediately jumped apart, and Liam’s heart was racing as he started at Louis with the dumbest expression on his face. Fucking amazing.

“-found them. Seems like we only gotta make one stop on the way home, Haz.” Now that was a great start to the new year for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys :)
> 
> i hope you enjoyed the chapter! i again wrote this in a single night and i dont know whats wrong with me but i feel like it kinda makes the flow of the chapter better because i dont take breaks haha! let me know your thoughts if you want <3
> 
> also, merry christmas to everyone celebrating! i'm not saying happy new year yet because ill update again before that haha! i hope youre all enjoying the holidays :D and even if your christmas isnt that great just know youre not alone, because i kinda celebrate like liam does in this chapter except my brother is in america and my moms boyfriend and my grandma are here instead, so wish me good luck rip
> 
> have an amazing week!!!! i love you guys <3


	8. Chapter 8

“Don’t say it’s not what it looks like.“ Louis warned Liam when he opened his mouth without letting a single sound escape, he was still too shocked, his heart was racing and all he could think of still was the way Niall had tasted. 

“I wasn’t going to.” Truly, why would he have? It was EXACTLY what it looked like.

“What- are you okay, Niall?” When Harry had walked out of the door as well, pulling it closed behind himself, he was the only one of the other two that seemed to have noticed Niall’s tear stained face, probably even redder now from the kissing.

“Um… y-yeah.” Niall answered quickly, he looked really embarrassed, and Liam didn’t really know what to do, wasn’t sure if he was still allowed to touch Niall now that they weren’t alone anymore, but they were still sitting close enough that it was obvious what they had been doing. And Louis had seen them anyways. “Are you guys leaving?”

“Yeah, everyone’s getting a bit too drunk for our taste. Happy new year, by the way.” Louis laughed, and Liam wanted to roll his eyes, but instead he decided to get up from the cold stairs, stretching out his hand towards Niall.

For just a second, he was afraid Niall wasn’t going to take it, but instead, the younger boy didn’t hesitate, letting Liam pull him to his feet, not letting go when he was standing up as well. He looked like a mess, unsuccessfully wiping his face with his free hand and Liam wanted to reach out and help him, but the situation wasn’t exactly ideal.

“So, should I drive you guys home?” Harry broke the slightly awkward silence and Liam just nodded, pretending as if all of this was completely normal. As if he wasn’t holding Niall’s hand and Louis had just caught them snogging. “Who lives closer?”

“Uh, Liam’s staying with me anyways.” Niall blurted out before Liam could have thought of a way to say it so Louis wouldn’t take it as confirmation for what he had said a couple seconds ago. 

No one commented it, Louis just faked a cough to hide his laugh, Liam’s face was turning hot as hell, Niall clearly regretted speaking up and Harry was the only one who stayed calm. “Okay, just tell me the way when we’re in the car.”

“Thank you.” Niall was clearly nervous now, and so was Liam, he let the other two pass them, avoiding Louis’ eyes at all costs before he and Niall slowly followed behind, still holding hands.

The other boy was holding on so tightly to Liam that there was no doubt in Liam’s mind that he actually wanted it, and combined with what had just happened, everything Niall had said… it would’ve been hard for Liam to not be more hopeful than ever before. 

“Are you feeling better?” Liam whispered as they walked down the staircase, with a couple steps between them and the other two.

“A bit.” Niall answered quietly, not looking up but he squeezed Liam’s fingers, momentarily holding onto his arm with his second hand as well and Liam almost felt as if none of this was even real, as if he’d wake up any second.

It took Liam a moment to realize that Niall didn’t have his jacket with him, only when they were already outside, and Harry hadn’t parked the car too far so Liam had left his on the backseat in fear of it getting lost in Zayn’s apartment. “You forgot your jacket, do you wanna go back?”

“No.” Niall answered immediately, walking closer to Liam as they followed the other two and Liam himself was freezing a bit as well or he would have tried to warm the other boy up a bit. He really did not wanna go back upstairs though, even though they literally hadn’t even said goodbye to Zayn or anything. 

“Here, put it on.” Liam handed his jacket to Niall the moment they had both gotten in the backseat, and Niall seemed to hesitate for a moment before taking it, slipping it on immediately before putting on his seatbelt.

“Did you come here just wearing this?” Louis sounded fake shocked turning around in the passenger seat, and Liam was really thankful for the darkness right now. 

“No, I forgot my jacket upstairs, but it’s alright. Zayn can give it to me at work or something.” He shrugged, wrapping Liam’s jacket tightly around his body while Liam just sat next to him, trying not to shiver too much. Maybe he didn’t need to be nervous about spending the night at Niall’s because he’d probably freeze to death before they’d even get there. “Umm, if you turn right at the end of the street I can tell you where to go from there.”

“Alright.” Thankfully, Harry turned on the radio as he started the car, maybe to help Liam and Niall out, maybe because he didn’t feel like talking, who even knew? Liam was just grateful that he had.

It was a really short drive, no one really spoke except Niall giving directions to Harry, and Liam wanted to reach over and hold Niall’s hand again a couple times, but he never ended up being brave enough. 

“Thank you for driving m- us.” Niall told Harry when the car stopped in front of his building, immediately opening the door, probably because he was also afraid of any further comments. Louis certainly wouldn’t disappoint.

“Thank you.” Liam told his friend as well, trying to be quick as well when Harry told them that it had been no trouble, and wishing them a good night.

“Yeah, good night. And have fun. And play safe. And Liam-“

But Liam didn’t ever hear the rest of what Louis had said because he had already closed the car door, his cheeks burning again as he walked around the car to join Niall, not throwing another look at it when Harry drove off. Now they were truly all alone, still outside, but no one was on the streets at this time of night on New Year ’s Eve.

“D’you have your keys?” For a second, Liam was a bit panicked that Niall had maybe left them in his jacket, but he had already pulled them out a second later, fumbling a bit with them against the lock, probably because of the cold. 

“Sorry I’m taking so long, I can’t s- oh.” Niall made sure to let them into the building, pretty much saving Liam from death right now.

It was a little bit weird, to be standing in a fully lit hallway again, being able to look at each other even though they really didn’t and just walked up the staircase to Niall’s apartment. There were a thousand things Liam could have said, but he ended up not saying any of them until they had made it inside and were slipping off their shoes. Being here was familiar, but at the same time, it reminded Liam of everything that had happened here, and the fact that they had never just been here without anything happening between them.

“Are you tired?” Clearly, Niall didn’t know how to behave, and Liam didn’t know either, he was just happy to see that the other boy’s face had gone back to normal, that he didn’t look anymore as if he was going to start crying again any second.

“Not really.” It was only around 00:30 or something, they had left so early that Liam could still hear a few fireworks in the distance. He had never spent a New Year’s Eve without seeing a single one, but then again, he had also never spent it kissing somebody. “Are you?”

“No… but I’m still cold. And hungry.” He had only eaten snacks, so that was understandable.

Liam couldn’t help the rush of fondness when Niall said that, looking a bit lost and cold and he would have pulled him into a hug to warm him up had the other boy not left a second later to go find something to eat in his fridge. Liam declined when he got offered something as well, so Niall just ended up taking his snack to the bedroom with him.

They got in bed, underneath the blanket, because it was just too cold not to, and Liam would have hoped he’d have come up with something smart to say by now, but no. He just sat in Niall’s bed next to him, leaning against the headboard, watching him eat leftovers out of the container, kinda wondering how they had gotten into this situation. 

“Should we… “ Liam started, moving a bit, kinda not wanting to look at the other boy but at the same time having a hard time not staring at him. It was complicated. “Should we, like- talk about it?”

Niall didn’t answer, he just kept staring at his food, pushing it around with his fork, shrugging a little. “I, uh. I don’t know what to say.”

“Okay.” This wasn’t good, was it? What if he hadn’t even meant anything he had said and had just said it in the heat of the moment? “You don’t have to. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“I want to, just… “ He shrugged again, a bit helplessly before putting the half empty container of food on his bedside table, playing with the hem of the blanket instead. “It’s like- I didn’t think that, you know, that tonight would go like this and- I was, umm… I was nervous before coming. I did oversleep, but I also… after what happened at your place and everything, I was like, unsure where we were standing and… and then I thought about, uh, those dates I went on and… I felt like… like I was leading you on. Kind of. I know you said you never thought we were anything and- I know we weren’t, just… it’s like what I said, about, you know… how I feel around you. As weird as that sounds.”

“It doesn’t.” It really didn’t, even if Liam ignored the fact that he just said it because he was a little excited about it. 

Niall didn’t really react, he just kept playing with the blanket, taking his time before carrying on, a bit quieter. “I… I didn’t wanna feel this way in the beginning. About you. I’m sorry, I know it sounds really bad and I don’t wanna hurt you, I just wanna tell you how I felt and- shit. I’m sorry. I downloaded this app and then I met up with those girls and it only made me feel worse so I kept calling you to come over and once you were gone I didn’t know anymore what I wanted and- I’m not usually this bad of a texter. Just a bit. I, uh… I was trying to figure out what to do whenever I wasn’t texting back, but then when you didn’t… it was driving me mad. I know it’s not fair, I know- I’m really sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize.” Liam repeated, feeling a little hurt, but he actually had no right at all to feel this way, it’s not like Niall had ever made any promises.

“But I do.” The other boy replied, now sounding frustrated, and when he looked up and their eyes met, Liam saw the tears on the verge of spilling over. “I’ve never been into guys, I wasn’t expecting it when we met, I was really trying to avoid you and ignore it all, but- but at the same time I wanted you to like me so badly. Even when we barely knew each other and then this whole soulmate thing and the fact that you are the only one who _gets_ it and I- I’m scared. I’m scared what’s going to happen if- if we… you know. If we actually, uh, gave it a shot, like- only if you’d want to as well, obviously, I just… sorry, I assumed, I-“

“You’re not just assuming.” Liam made sure to calm him, feeling relief spreading through him, strangely enough, because now he wouldn’t have to tell Niall how he felt. It seemed the other boy had always known. Which kinda… kinda made it more obvious why he had apologized and been so hysterical. “You don’t have to think you have to do anything though, just because of how I feel. You know that, right? You didn’t hurt me, you-“

“Of course I did.” He was right, so Liam closed his mouth instead of denying it and Niall buried his face in his hands, letting out a deep sigh. “I want it as well. I think I wanted it before you did, I just didn’t wanna admit it to myself.”

“Okay.” What else was there to say really? Liam was ready to do anything at all Niall wanted, which was maybe not smart at all and also kind of out of nowhere, but how had he been supposed to prepare for this when he had never even thought it would happen? 

So they didn’t say anything yet again, and Liam knew what was on Niall’s mind because it was on his as well, but he would have ignored it for now had the other boy not felt a need to bring it up. “What about… my soulmate?”

Liam hadn’t been prepared for that, and truth was, he actually didn’t have an answer, because it was something he had never really wanted to explore in depth. Obviously, because… as much as he wanted Niall to be happy, truly, wishing he’d find his soulmate would ultimately end up hurting Liam. It was a really difficult situation to be in, especially because he wasn’t even sure how happy Niall could ever be with him.

“It’s your decision, Niall. I don’t know how you feel, in general and… about me. Or about us. I want you to be happy and I’ll still be here whatever you decide, it’s up to you.” Niall’s face changed a bit when Liam said that, but he wasn’t sure how to interpret his expressions, only that he sounded a bit sad when he answered.

“I don’t wanna hurt you. I know I already did, I- but I don’t know what will happen in the future. I don’t think I’ll find my soulmate again, but what if I do and- you’re gonna get hurt. I don’t know what to do.” His inner conflict was very apparent, and Liam knew it was stupid of him to pretend as if he didn’t care about any of that, as if he wasn’t scared about it as well. “But just so you know… I really do like you. A lot. It’s not like you’re my band-aid or the next best thing, and I am happy when we’re together… a lot happier than I’ve been since… since that day.”

Obviously Niall wouldn’t have chosen Liam if he had just wanted _anybody_, so that was both a relief but also making Liam feel all sorts of other things, not all of them good. He didn’t know what to do or say either, so he just stayed quiet for a moment, looking at the other boy, trying to sort out his thoughts somehow. And not just go with what he wanted.

“We can also… we can just see where it goes and-“

“No. Not again.” Niall interrupted Liam immediately, and Liam was definitely not mad about it, he had just wanted to give Niall options. It seemed he didn’t want any. “Either we try this or we just stay friends, but we know both know we’d just carry on like we did and… I wanna know where we stand. I know you do, too.”

“Yeah… “ Indeed, Liam had wanted to know for a while, but he had never been so damn close that it got scary. “So where do we stand?”

“I can’t make the decision, it’s not really about my feelings. It’s about you. And whether you’d… whether you’d wanna take the risk.” It was a risk, he was right, but then their eyes met and Niall bit his bottom lip, as if he was afraid Liam would take a step back now and reject him, and Liam just knew that was the last thing he’d do.

“I’d take it any day.” A little cheesy, a little too romantic than appropriate, but it kinda just slipped out, and it was worth seeing Niall let out a breathless laugh before he simply lunged forward, surprising Liam as he kissed him, holding him close with a hand at the back of his neck.

It definitely felt a lot more comfortable doing this in bed than in a random staircase, and especially after knowing how Niall truly felt about him. Neither of them had ever been in a relationship, they didn’t know how it worked and they had the extra burden of not being soulmates, of Niall probably always missing his, but Liam locked all of that very far away, in the very depths of his brain. At least for tonight.

He made sure to pull Niall over, until the other boy was sitting on his lap, thighs on either side of Liam’s as they kissed and Niall slipped his tongue into Liam’s mouth, pulling at his hair. He arched his back a bit when Liam moved his hands underneath his shirt and up his back, holding him closer even though they were already as close as they could have been.

Knowing that Niall actually liked him, that he wanted to be with Liam, that he was enjoying this as much as Liam, it was almost a bit mind blowing, after having spent so many times doing this not knowing what it was to Niall. Sure, Liam could have brought it up sooner, then maybe they would have both saved themselves a lot of stress, but he wouldn’t have changed this outcome for the world.

“Liam… “ Niall whispered as they broke apart for a moment and Liam kissed his cheek, and then down to his jaw, breathing against his skin and keeping his eyes closed.

“Hm?” He couldn’t help but press their lips back together before Niall had even had a chance to answer, hugging the other boy tightly against him.

“I really like you… so fucking much.” It was barely audible, but the words still sent shivers down Liam’s spine because it felt like Niall was implying so much more with them, things Liam hadn’t even dared to imagine before this day.

“I really like you too, Ni… “ A lot more than he could have told him right now without freaking him out, but upon leaning back for just a second, opening his eyes for a moment just to see the smile on Niall’s face was definitely enough for now.

When they went back to kissing, it was a lot slower, a lot more gentle, and Liam tried to treasure each second of it because he had been craving it for so long. Niall seemed even more eager than him, arms around his neck and pushing his hips against Liam’s with very clear intentions, basically sitting right on his dick, not making a secret about what he wanted.

It was only the second time they went this far, but it still felt natural when Liam moved his hands to blindly open Niall’s pants, letting them slip to the back so he could half cup the other boy’s ass, pulling him in closer as Niall whined a bit. 

“Fuck, Liam… “ He breathed against Liam’s spit slicked lips, and Liam couldn’t help the smile forming on his face. For both of them being inexperienced, they were doing a pretty damn good job at this. 

They kept going like this for a while, but Niall was clearly getting impatient, rubbing and pushing against Liam until the other boy took pity on him, moving one hand up Niall’s back and the other to the front of his boxer briefs. They had gotten off together before, but not like this, not with Liam’s hand directly on Niall’s erection, pulling it out of his pants so he’d have more room getting him off.

“Okay?” Liam asked, a bit breathlessly, and maybe he shouldn’t have bothered because Niall was just moaning quietly, clearly taken off guard.

“_Shit_… yeah, ‘course, I- fuck, Li… “ Niall’s face was all flushed, and his eyes were half closed as Liam looked at him, letting his head fall back against the headboard to watch him for a bit.

“Tell me if you don’t like something.” Because surely Liam couldn’t be that great at giving a handjob, he was just mimicking whatever he liked on himself, whatever he had seen in a porno or two. Judging by Niall’s lack of complaints though, it seemed he wasn’t doing an awful job.

He moved his fist slowly at first, always watching Niall’s facial expressions when he did wank him a bit faster and the other boy let his eyes fall shut, twisting his fingers in the hem of Liam’s shirt. When he bit his bottom lip, plush and red from kissing Liam, Liam was sure he had never seen anything more beautiful.

Liam could tell Niall was close when he moved his hips a bit in time with Liam’s hand movements, quiet moans escaping him before he very suddenly grabbed a hold of Liam’s wrist, forcing him to stop. “Wait, wait.”

“Did I-“

“No, you didn’t. Wait.” Niall repeated, sounding very stressed as he made Liam let go of him, just to very hectically take off his shirt, chugging it somewhere on the bed before going for Liam’s as well. “Is it okay if I-“

“Yeah- ‘course.” Liam felt his face going hot seeing the look in Niall’s eyes as he took off his own shirt, the other boy’s lips almost immediately back on his after, tongue slipping into Liam’s mouth as Niall moved his hand down his neck, bare chest and stomach, feeling him before getting to work on Liam’s pants as well. 

It was unexpected and Liam’s heart was racing when Niall pulled out his trapped erection, barely having touched him so far but enough to get Liam breathless. No one had ever put a hand on him except for himself, so he definitely got Niall’s reaction from before.

Very slowly, Niall searched for Liam’s hand while keeping his own around his dick, guiding it back to his own. “Let’s do it like this, okay?”

“Okay… “ Liam whispered back, barely even hearing his own words when Niall started moving his hand.

It was really messy, and uncoordinated, a lot more than the first time, and though they were kissing through most of it while getting each other off, Niall let his forehead fall against Liam’s naked shoulder when he was close, breathing harshly against his skin, his hand slowing to a stop for a moment as Liam worked him through his orgasm. 

Just listening to Niall come was almost enough for Liam to be pushed over the edge as well, but the other boy only needed a second to recover it seemed, and the short break only intensified the feeling of his slightly rough palm against Liam’s sensitive skin. He came as well just a moment later, while Niall was kissing him again, and he was pretty sure he was leaving marks on the other boy’s hip from holding on so tightly. 

His high was a lot more intense than the first time, or any other times he had made himself cum, and Liam actually needed a moment to calm down after, feeling hot and sweaty all over, his chest heaving a bit and his ears ringing just slightly.

“You’re so hot.” Niall blurted out as they looked at each other after, and before Liam had even had time to blush or react, Niall was already cupping his face in both of his hands, thumb pressing into Liam’s skin as he kissed him with an open mouth, leaning so much into Liam that the older boy had to lean back against the headboard.

The kiss was so passionate that Liam almost thought he could go again when they finally pulled apart and allowed themselves to try and recover, catch some breath, neither of them talking for a little bit. There was nothing to say, just looking at each other said a lot more than a thousand words, and Liam couldn’t remember a moment he had been happier than right at this second.

They both kicked off their jeans and boxer briefs, and Niall used Liam’s shirt to clean himself up, handing it to Liam after, who couldn’t help but let out a quick laugh. There really was not that much time to look at each other completely nude, because Niall complained he was cold, so they got underneath the blanket together, Niall clearly wanting to be the little spoon and Liam had no objections after they had switched off the lights.

“I could’ve gone again if you had given me a few more minutes.” Niall half mumbled in the darkness, making Liam laugh as he tightened his arm around the other’s waist, pressing his lips against the back of Niall’s head.

“Tomorrow.” Liam promised, feeling all giddy and stupidly excited about being able to joke around about these things, about how quickly everything had changed. “We should sleep.”

“Hmm… I’ll try.” Niall had to let out a yawn right after though, searching for Liam’s hand and intertwining their fingers once he had found it, making Liam happier than he would probably ever know. “Don’t leave in the morning…”

“I won’t… I can’t, my clothes are dirty.” Liam joked, making Niall grunt in response.

“’m not washing ‘em for you… seems like you gotta stay forever.” He was clearly tired and rambling, but it still got Liam’s heart beating faster. 

“Guess I don’t have a choice… sleep tight.”

“You too… “ When Niall whispered back, it seemed he was already almost passed out, so Liam let his eyes fall closed as well, holding Niall tight and trying not to think about them both being completely naked underneath that blanket because then he would have never found any rest.

\-----------------------

Niall was staring at Liam like a complete creep. He had even slipped out of bed to move the curtains a bit, just so he’d have a better look, luckily not having woken the other boy, only making him mumble something in his sleep. 

He was sleeping on his back, the blanket covering him from his belly button down, and Niall was just slightly curious, but he didn’t move it of course, because he had enough to look at anyways. He had gotten underneath the blanket again as well after getting up for a moment, propping himself up on his elbow so he could touch Liam after fighting a bit with himself over it, giving in to his urges in the end.

Niall didn’t understand any of this, and he had stopped trying to figure it out. Most of all, he didn’t understand his own feelings, he just knew that whenever he was around Liam, it felt like every problem he had got a bit smaller, and everything he had been worried about seemed unimportant. 

Niall had never felt this way, about anybody in his entire life, which really didn’t say that much, but… he had kinda stopped hoping it would happen. But here Liam was, funny and sweet and so freaking kind that it almost freaked Niall out a bit, and he was the only one who really understood Niall’s soulmate thing, he was always there if Niall needed him, and Niall hated himself for hurting Liam the way he had, even if the other boy would have never admitted it.

Of course Niall had noticed early on that Liam really liked him as well, but he had been afraid of where this would go, afraid of his own feelings and the future and just everything. He still was, but after last night, Niall felt a bit calmer, the fact that Liam was willing to take this risk for him, the fact that he liked Niall enough to not care about the future. It really meant a great deal.

He was really everything Niall had ever wanted, everything he had ever imagined in a partner. Well, except for the fact that he wasn’t a girl, but before meeting Liam, Niall had never considered whether he liked guys as well. And now it didn’t matter anymore because Niall just liked _Liam_.

Other people in his life probably had other opinions, but… they didn’t have to know, did they?

Liam’s hair was soft underneath Niall’s touch, so was his skin, small puffs of air hitting Niall’s hand as he softly brushed his thumb over Liam’s bottom lip, just admiring his face really as the other boy was sleeping soundly. Niall let his fingers dance down Liam’s neck, over his birth mark there, and over his collar bones, done his chest. His touches were only feather light in fear of waking the other boy because he wasn’t done staring at him. 

It really wasn’t Niall’s fault, but because he was also lying underneath the blanket and was moving, he caused the blanket to slip down a bit further with him, at first not even really noticing that it had caused the scar on Liam’s hip to be exposed. Niall had seen it before, but now he was kinda face to face with it, making him freeze for a second.

Now that he knew how Liam had done it, it made it a lot harder for him to actually look at it, not touching it. It was bigger now that Niall was so close, which made sense because soulmate marks weren’t that small, but still. He didn’t wanna imagine Liam doing it, but he couldn’t stop himself, wondering whether Liam had really broken the bond completely, whether there was a chance he had only damaged the skin but not what was underneath.

Honestly, Niall didn’t even wanna know it. 

After staring, Niall eventually let his eyes wander for a bit, over Liam’s half exposed body, and he felt his throat getting a bit tighter when the blanket slipped some more and he saw more scars underneath the most prominent one, tiny ones, but still noticeable. Although he kinda felt an urge to, Niall didn’t move the blanker further, didn’t wanna invade Liam’s privacy, he just had to swallow hard as he looked up at the other boy’s face, and then back down at all those scars, feeling a little sick.

Upon instinct, Niall leaned down to press his lips against the soulmate scar on Liam’s hip, his skin tingling as he dragged the blanket up higher, covering the both of them as he cuddled up tightly against Liam, his stomach growing warmer when Liam held onto him even in his sleep. He pressed his lips against Liam’s neck, wrapping his arm around the other’s stomach so they could be closer, only whispering what he couldn’t tell Liam when he was awake. “Love you… “

Niall didn’t know what Liam had gone through, how bad he must have felt, how much it had taken to pull himself out of this hole, but he did know that he would do everything in his power to make Liam happy, even if he had no clue at all how _he_ could be the one Liam wanted.

\-------------------------

Liam only woke up because the sun was shining in his face and he felt hotter than he ever had in his entire life. Last night wasn’t all too prominent in his mind for a moment, but everything pretty much came back all at once when he noticed Niall’s weight on top of him, everything smelling like the other boy, warming Liam’s stomach immediately.

He could only tell Niall was awake because he felt him lightly drawing patterns against his arm, giving him shivers as he moved a bit, making Niall stop. “Are you awake?”

“Yeah… hi.“ Liam brought out, having to clear his throat a bit because it felt tight, wishing Niall would have continued. “How long did I sleep?”

“Long.” Was all Niall said, lifting his head off of Liam’s chest so they could look at each other. Every worry Liam had had about Niall changing his mind over night was completely gone when their eyes met and the other boy smiled, not even hesitating as he leaned down to kiss Liam good morning. It was really soft, and gentle, and Liam could have definitely gotten used to this. “But it’s okay… you’re really comfortable.”

“I’m glad.” Liam let out a quiet laugh, turning his head though so he wouldn’t laugh into Niall’s face right after waking up. “You could’ve woken me.”

“No, you were sleeping really tight. And I’ve got nowhere to be.” Niall shrugged, kissing Liam’s cheek before sitting up, keeping the blanket covering the both of them though and it was only then that Liam remembered that they had gone to bed nude. “Do you want breakfast?”

“I’d love breakfast.” He was actually hungrier than he would have thought, although Niall’s good mood was definitely a distraction. It looked like a weight had fallen off of him since last night or something, he wasn’t at all shy to touch Liam or say whatever.

Liam TRIED not to stare at Niall’s naked body when he got out of bed and walked over to his closet, but he still watched him putting on some sweatpants before throwing another pair over to Liam. They were together now though, right? So Liam could stare all he wanted and wouldn’t have to feel bad about it.

Liam caught a quick look on his scar as he put on the sweatpants while still in bed, pulling them up high enough though so they were covering it. Either way, Niall must have noticed because he also threw Liam a shirt a moment later, putting one on himself as well, as if to not make it too obvious. It kinda pained Liam, that he wanted to cover it for some reason, but this was all still new and… there were still things they hadn’t talked about.

Liam forced himself to get out of bed even though he was still exhausted and felt a bit uncoordinated, making Niall laugh as he came over, almost immediately wrapping his arms around Liam’s waist. “Happy new year, by the way.”

“Right, yeah. Happy new year, Ni.” He had almost forgotten, hugging Niall back for a moment before Niall pulled away just so they could kiss some more. This was definitely the best start to a new year Liam had ever had. 

Niall had more food in his fridge this time, and he insisted on Liam sitting down while he made waffles, but he did allow him to come over and at least sit on the counter after a while. It was fun, watching Niall make food, and the other boy put on one of his playlists full of songs Liam didn’t know, but Niall was half singing along to them, putting on a bit of a show for Liam while almost burning the waffles and Liam was certain he could’ve never fallen for anybody this deeply ever again in his life.

“… how do they taste?” Niall sounded unsure when Liam took his first bite, but he seemingly relaxed when Liam gave him a thumbs up with his mouth full. “I’ve not made them in a while. I’m usually too lazy to make this much for breakfast for just me.”

“I get it, I’d be too lazy as well. But they taste great, thank you.” Liam told him after swallowing, smiling when Niall moved his leg so it was brushing Liam’s underneath the table. “I can clean up after we’re done, as exchange.”

“No, you’re my guest, I can’t make you do work. And it’s the first of January, we have to watch telly straight after. It’s a rule.” It came out very serious and Liam laughed, a little too excited over the fact that apparently Niall wanted to spend the rest of the day with him, because it was very mutual. No idea how Liam would ever separate from him ever again now. “Kinda cool, huh?”

“What?” Liam asked, a bit confused over how randomly excited Niall had suddenly gotten, even sitting up a bit more straight. 

“Who can say their anniversary is on the first of January?” He said it so enthusiastically and so naturally that Liam felt butterflies in his stomach. So Niall did see it as a relationship, he did see it as the real deal and Liam should have never even worried about it.

“You and me.” Liam said it with a smile, letting his hand drop on the table, palm up, and the other boy didn’t hesitate letting his fall into it. 

Honestly, this was kinda almost TOO romantic to be real, but Liam wouldn’t have changed it for the world.

They did stay inside the whole day, cuddling on the couch and watching telly, but they got distracted by each other fairly quickly, making out instead of paying attention to whatever was on, only ever getting up to use the bathroom or get something from the kitchen. But at least for the latter, they went together as well, not wanting to waste even a few minutes together. 

“Tomorrow is this work thing… “ Niall started when they had been quiet for a moment, and Liam had almost debated checking his phone after successfully ignoring Louis the entire day. “You know, the one you didn’t know about.”

“Right. I think someone did tell me about it since then though.” Or maybe Liam had just made that up in his mind, he didn’t really even wanna think about tomorrow if he was being honest. “And I actually do have a shift tomorrow… “

“When do you start?” Niall asked immediately, playing with Liam’s hair. He had his legs across Liam’s lap and his arm around the back of the couch so he had it very easy touching Liam whenever. Which was, all the time. 

“Hmm, I think at noon?” Not sure, Liam would have to check his phone, but he really didn’t want to get up ever again. “When’s that thing?”

“Only at four.” The other boy pulled a face at that, but then he shrugged, lowering his eyes a bit. “We probably shouldn’t show up together anyways… “

“Probably… “ Liam agreed. It was something they hadn’t discussed yet, even though it was really important. “That’s actually something I wanted to ask you… do you wanna… tell anybody?”

Niall didn’t seem to like that question very much, he stopped playing with his Liam’s hair, hesitating. “We can tell everyone, just- not my family. And I… I don’t wanna be, like, all in everyone’s face at work and stuff, but… everywhere else is fine.”

“Okay.” That was a relief to Liam, because he felt the same way and he wouldn’t have even known how to keep any of this a secret for very long. Especially because Louis had literally seen them kiss last night. “I, uh, I wouldn’t tell my family either. At least not my mom… “

“Why?” Niall looked a bit sad upon asking and Liam shrugged, not really knowing where to start.

“She… she doesn’t know, that I broke my bond. No one in my family does and also, I’ve never- I’ve never mentioned that I’m bisexual, so I don’t know how they’d react to all of it at once.” Probably not in a good way. “I mean, I would tell them eventually, but not now.”

“Same.” The other boy nodded, now playing with them of the shirt Liam was wearing as if he had gotten nervous. “I don’t know how my family would react either, they know about my mark, but… I’ve not even known I’m into guys before I met you.”

“Maybe it’s just me then.” Liam joked, to break the tension a little, and it worked because Niall laughed, leaning forward to kiss his cheek. 

“That has to be it.” He agreed immediately before moving a bit, so he could rest his head on Liam’s shoulder, making sure the blanket stayed wrapped around both of them equally. “Just to be clear though… when you tell your friends… what’re you gonna say?”

“That you’re my boyfriend. If- If that’s okay.” Liam was definitely taking a risk saying that, but he was hoping for the best, only holding his breath for a little bit.

“More than okay.” Niall told him immediately, and Liam could hear the smile in his voice as the other boy cuddled closer into him. 

All of this still felt like a dream, and Liam wasn’t sure if he’d ever stop feeling this way, but he decided he didn’t actually care because he had everything he had wanted and more.

\-------------------

“Oh my god, you’re alive!” Zayn greeted Liam the moment Liam walked into the restaurant, barely any customers there yet.

“Looks like it.” Liam joked, for a moment really confused about what the hell Zayn was on about. Right, the party. “Sorry I left without saying goodbye, I kinda had to hurry because Louis and Harry were gonna drive me h-“

“No worries, I can’t remember shit about that night.” Oh good, one problem solved. They had only told Louis and Harry so far, or more like, Liam had texted Louis back saying that everything was good, they could make of that whatever they wanted. “You still look pretty out of it as well. Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired.” From having spent another night at Niall’s, and making out and fooling around for half of it. Liam could always just sleep some other night.

Yesterday had been the best day ever, and it had gotten so late that Niall had asked Liam to just stay, neither of them having been able to say goodbye to one another. It had been pretty hard today as well, and Liam had already scratched going home before and just gotten ready at Niall’s instead, borrowing some more clothes from him that hopefully no one would comment on. Pretty sure Liam’s mother was going to get suspicious at some point, but so far she hadn’t questioned any of Liam’s texts that he wouldn’t come home. Just so she wouldn’t get worried.

“Did you hear anything from Niall?” Zayn asked out of nowhere, having followed Liam to the back. “He’s not answered any of my texts.”

“I’m sure he’s fine. Harry dropped him off at home as well. And he’s gotta show up today, right?” Liam was such a great liar, unbelievable. Then again… he hadn’t really been lying, had he? “Neither of us has gotten drunk.”

“No?” Zayn sounded surprised, pulling up an eyebrow, and it was only then that Liam realized that he was probably thinking of Halloween. “So-“

“Guys, can you chat in your break or something? There are people here and I’m on my own.” One of their coworkers sounded pretty annoyed as he popped his head in through the door right before leaving again.

“This guy can’t even handle two tables on his own, he’d probably want me to hold his hand whenever he serves a customer if I offered. You’re the last normal person they hired, I swear.” Zayn groaned as he left and Liam almost forgot to clog in because he was still stuck thinking about Niall.

More of his lips, but that was beside the point.

It were four very long hours, with little to do, and even Zayn arguing with the new guy wasn’t entertaining enough for Liam to feel distracted. He had a constant urge to check his phone, even though he knew there was no point. He didn’t even care that he and Niall would probably barely get to talk, he just wanted to know he was around. God, actually dating Niall and getting what he had wanted was only distracting Liam even more.

Because they still had to keep the restaurant open while most of the employees had to undergo this training or whatever, two waiters who had been here for really long weren’t gonna take part, so luckily that excluded both Niall and Liam. Liam tried to do some small-talk with the few people he knew when everyone started gathering in the break room, but he actually had to sit on the window sill because the room was just too small.

For a few moments, Liam almost got nervous thinking Niall wouldn’t show up, that he had maybe just imagined everything, but then he did walk through the door, and Liam immediately felt himself taking a breath. He saw Niall’s eyes scanning the room, going to hug Zayn briefly and talk to him for a moment before he locked eyes with Liam, immediately leaving his friend behind to walk over instead and Liam’s heart was close to actually jumping out of his chest.

“Hi.” Niall was smiling when he reached Liam, going in for a hug and it lasted a bit too long but why would have anyone paid attention to them when everyone was talking anyways?

“Hi.” Liam wanted to kiss him so badly, but he resisted the urge successfully, leaving his hand on Niall’s waist instead. He had missed him so much after only a few hours, it was truly stupid. “Do you wanna sit down?”

“No, I’m good, thanks.” He shrugged, standing in between Liam’s legs, leaning his elbow on his upper thigh. They were too close, but Liam didn’t care as he loosely wrapped his arm around his… boyfriend. The only one who’d possibly comment on this was Zayn, but he wasn’t anywhere near them. “How long is your shift?”

“Until seven.” Which wasn’t too far away considering they’d be here for a while, but it still felt way too long to Liam.

Niall nodded a bit, taking a moment before he turned his head to look at Liam. “I get it if you’d rather go home… but d’you wanna come back to my place after?”

“I-“

“Alright, guys, we only got one hour to do this, so everyone be quiet.” Liam didn’t get to answer because the man they had all been waiting for had entered the room and everyone had immediately shut up.

So Liam had to lean forward a bit, whispering in Niall’s ear. “I’d love to.”

Niall didn’t turn back around but Liam knew he was smiling, only very, very briefly touching Liam’s hand still resting on his hip before leaning more into him. At this point, Liam was sure that Zayn must have seen them by now and wondered what was going on between them, but luckily for them, he wouldn’t be able to come over and ask anytime soon.

It was really boring, mostly this man half yelling at them telling them about bad customer reviews online and how they were supposed to treat customers. He even mentioned some of the people by name and Liam half expected his name to come up, but it never did. Then again, he wouldn’t have cared all too much either.

He offered Niall to sit down a few more times, but the other boy always declined, telling Liam that he was quite comfortable like this as well. Liam did eventually rest his chin on Niall’s shoulder because sitting on the window sill put him at the perfect height for that and Niall leaned his head against Liam’s for a moment, moving his thumb over the fabric of Liam’s jeans where he still had his hand. 

“I could wait until your shift is over.” Niall whispered, and they were so close that he barely had to raise his voice.

“I don’t want you to get bored, I can just come to yours when I’m done.” Also, Liam didn’t know how much work he’d get done knowing Niall was hanging out here the whole time. 

“I’ve got nothing to do at home though… I mean, I could study, but… “ He almost shrugged, but then he didn’t, probably remembering Liam’s head on his shoulder. 

“I should study as well… “ Liam whispered back, more to himself, really. Uni was really on the very bottom of his list of priorities right now, even below the restaurant.

“I can wait here, and then we can go to your place after and you can get your things and we can go to mine.” Sounded like a really good plan, actually, mostly because it meant they’d spent the most time together somehow possible. “We can study together.”

So obviously Liam didn’t have to think about it, even though he KNEW they wouldn’t get any studying done. “Okay.” 

Niall seemed very happy with that answer, and Liam was just wondering how he’d get through the rest of his shift like this. Probably not at all. 

As much as everyone had probably hated this whole hour, Liam and Niall had definitely made the most of it, and taken away the least. Niall did end up sticking around, and Liam got two orders wrong just thinking about him. He could tell that Zayn was watching him a bit obvious a few times, that he also went into the back where Niall was waiting chatting to some coworkers and the cooks, but they had been planning on telling him anyways, so it was like… whatever.

When Liam was finally allowed to go, he felt as if 10 hours had passed instead of only 2, and as soon as they were far enough from the restaurant that no one would be able to see them anymore, Liam just had to reach out for Niall’s hand. Holding it like this, all casually while walking, was probably the highlight of his day.

Liam briefly introduced Niall to his mother, but it was a very quick encounter before they had already gone up to his room. Niall innocently suggested that Liam could have also taken a few more things, like clothes, just in case they happened to fall asleep or something. It would have made Liam laugh had he not immediately felt all hot and excited yet again. 

As expected, they didn’t study for more than half an hour before they ended up snogging on Niall’s carpet in the living room, and _of course_ fell asleep together hours later, but on pure purpose. What if Liam would never bear to be apart from Niall ever again?

\------------------

Niall wasn’t so sure if he still wanted to hang out with Zayn when he was already on his way, but he was still happy to see him when his friend opened the front door for him, pulling him into a quick hug. It was a Thursday night, and Niall had a class in the morning, so he wouldn’t be staying for too long, at least that was his excuse. They hadn’t really seen each other outside of work for a while though, so Niall would definitely stay for a bit.

“Hi, everything alright?” Zayn looked happy that Niall was here, so he decided he was actually glad to have decided to come in the end. Especially because he wouldn’t have had anything else to do tonight anyways.

“I’m good. You?” It was actually the truth for once.

“I’m brilliant, actually, this morning someone messaged me about a painting.” He blurted out, as if he had just been waiting for it and Niall felt himself smile, genuinely pleased for Zayn.

“Shit, congratz. Which one?” Niall knew all of Zayn’s painting, at least the ones he was most proud of, so he actually knew which one he was talking about when Zayn told him the title. “And I was gonna buy that one for myself, what a shame.”

“Yeah, right.” Zayn rolled his eyes, but he laughed along with Niall for a moment. “Do you want anything to drink?”

They ended up in Zayn’s living room drinking beer and just catching up on life and whatnot, complaining about work and uni and Zayn brought out some snacks Niall would definitely never say no to. An hour or so passed like that, and Niall was on his third or fourth beer, having let himself go a bit because he hadn’t been drinking a lot since Christmas, so he could feel the slight buzz in his body, but not uncomfortably so.

He just noticed it loosened his tongue a bit, as it always did, but they were mostly talking about normal stuff so Niall wasn’t worried or anything.

When he returned from the bathroom, Zayn had his phone out, texting someone or whatever when Niall let himself fall back on the couch as well. “Apparently they’ve got a shit ton of costumers at the restaurant.”

“Hmm… do you know who’s working tonight?” Niall asked to mask his real reaction, which was wondering whether they’d need anybody else to come in, and whether he could be that one.

Zayn listed a bunch of names Niall didn’t care about, saving the best for last even though Niall had of course known. Liam’s 10 hour shift that he had feared for the last 3 days was why he was here right now. “… and Liam, I think.”

“Do you think they’ll be able to manage?” Niall tried to sound all innocent, as if he didn’t actually care.

“They have to, they can’t call in any more people. Lucky us.” Or not.

“Yeah.” Niall agreed half heartedly, quickly taking another sip from his beer. Only 5 more hours until Liam could go home. Or to Niall’s place, more like.

There was silence, Zayn texted back whoever had texted him from the restaurant before putting his phone on the couch table, and Niall was about to say something, but suddenly he couldn’t even think of a single thing anymore. Maybe he had known the questions would come tonight, but he sure as hell hadn’t prepared himself.

“I know it’s none of my business.” Zayn started, and already then and there, Niall knew. “And I know if you had wanted to talk to me about it you would’ve. But you’re my friend and I care about you, so I feel like I have to ask. And if I’m overstepping a line you can just tell me to shut up.”

Niall didn’t answer, he just gave a brief nod because Zayn was waiting for it, wondering how much he had noticed, not quite expecting the question.

“Are you and Liam a couple?” Okay, so they hadn’t been hiding it very well, apparently. Swapping all his shifts to work with Liam couldn’t have gone unnoticed of course.

Liam and Niall had both agreed that they would tell their friends, they just never really had, had actually never explicitly told anybody at all although they held hands in public and kissed at uni, but that was all in front of people they didn’t know. So apparently Niall could snog Liam in the hallway of his university with his classmates walking past, but he got nervous being asked this question by a close friend.

“Do I really have to answer?” Niall just settled for this in the end, basically confirming Zayn’s suspicions, his heart racing though he tried to keep calm, staring at a picture across the room. “How’d you- I mean… -“

“How’d I know?” Zayn asked, not at all surprised but Niall refused to look at him. “Well, I’ve known there’s something between the two of you for a while, like, not in that way, but _something_, after this Halloween party, when you kept telling me you’re such great friends. And the chat I had with Liam while you were in Ireland over Christmas, and how you reacted when I mentioned it to you on the phone. And then when we had this thing at work, after New Year’s, and you guys were so damn close and comfortable with each other, and I know you left with him. Since then you’ve changed, and even more when he’s around, you’re like, attached at the hip at work.”

“How have I changed?” Had he? Somehow this made Niall nervous, and he forgot he was avoiding Zayn’s eyes, but was surprised to see how soft his friend’s facial expression had gotten.

“You’re happier.” He was, and somehow, that almost made Niall burst into tears. “I was really worried about the two of you for a while. I know we never got to talk about this, but I- I’ve been wanting to apologize for a while, for how often I’ve been talking about soulmates and whatnot, without ever considering how you might feel. It somehow- it never occurred to me. That you might not be feeling so great, only when I heard about Liam breaking his own bond and it started to make sense, why the two of you get along, why you did what you did at that party.”

Niall didn’t answer, he hadn’t at all expected having to talk about THIS now, so he had to swallow hard, quickly looking away from his friend. “Why- um, why were you worried? About me and Liam?”

“After I realized that you probably felt a lot differently than I thought, I was really worried that, you know… that you might try to get Liam to tell you how to break your bond as well. I’m sorry if this is too private, we really don’t have to talk about it.” Zayn backtracked immediately, and Niall opened his mouth, about to tell him that yeah, he wanted to switch the topic, but somehow he never did, his throat suddenly feeling really fucking tight.

Niall also didn’t exactly stick to the topic, or answer whatever questions Zayn clearly had but wasn’t asking. Maybe it was the beer that was making Niall this sentimental, just made him blurt out with whatever while staring at his own hands, face already feeling hot.

“I like him so much. And I- in the beginning I was trying to get him to tell me about breaking his bond and- it was about that. But it also wasn’t, I- I can’t explain it. I didn’t wanna like him, because he was a guy, and I was confused, and my soulmate situation and- fuck. I’m so scared, Z, I don’t know what’s going to happen, I always wanted to meet my soulmate, more than anything in this world and- and now he makes me wish I never will. I don’t wanna break his heart, it scares the living shit out of me because he’s not had it easy in the past, but I- I’ve got no control over any of this, I think-… I love him.” When Niall said it, it suddenly seemed to become reality, and no idea why but his tears spilled over immediately, all these emotions he had been holding back over the last two weeks just hitting him all at once.

He WAS happier with Liam, so fucking happy he couldn’t even grasp it, but the love he felt for him only intensified his fears as well.

“Niall, hey, everything is okay, do you need-“

“N-No.” Niall interrupted, trying to take a deep, shaky breath, uselessly attempting to dry his face while the words just kept spilling out. “I made so many mistakes, Z, I was such a fucking idiot, but he still liked me and we just kept going and- I didn’t know what to do, I felt like I couldn’t tell you or anybody and- we’ve been together the past two weeks, since your party, he’s pretty much just been staying at my place the entire time and whenever he’s gone I feel like- I’m terrified it will all stop, that I’ll go outside and run into- f-fuck. I r-really love h-him. I never w-want this to e-end a-and I k-know L-Liam doesn’t w-want t-to e-either, I know h-how m-much he l-likes me b-back a-and- it w-would d-destroy h-him.”

“Ni… what exactly happened?” The other boy sounded as if he was at a loss of words, which was quite understandable seeing as Niall was on the verge of completely losing it. 

For a second, Niall considered the consequences of continuing, but once he realized that it would actually eat at him forever if he didn’t tell anybody from the outside, he just blurted out with it, with everything. From the first time he had met Liam, their talks, the aquarium, the party, the stupid app, the dates, everything that had happened at his place, and then at Liam’s, Zayn’s party and the aftermath and his own feelings and he didn’t actually think he’d get to the point of not knowing what to say anymore, but it did come, and the silence following that was really awkward.

Of course Niall hadn’t said private things, like what they had done with each other in detail, about the rest of Liam’s scars, or other intimate stuff. Just enough to give Zayn an overview of just how exactly Niall had been struggling with his life for months now.

“I… I don’t know what to say.” He admitted after a while, and Niall kept staring at the wall, yet again not daring to look at his friend. “I had a feeling there was something going on, but… I wouldn’t have ever guessed- I’m sorry I invited this girl, I had no idea that-“

“If you hadn’t me and Liam might have never talked it out, so… “ Niall shrugged, actually feeling as if he should have thanked Zayn, but he was still a bit too caught up thinking about what he had just done. Laid out his entire heart in front of his friend because of how desperate he was to have somebody tell him what to do. “… can you say something, please? Anything?”

The silence was unbearable, Niall started biting his finger nails like a mad man and it seemed Zayn just said the very first thing on his mind. “I didn’t wanna say this, but the way you describe it makes it sound like Liam’s your soulmate.”

“But he’s not.” Niall replied automatically, a little taken off guard, a little annoyed but also confused. “He broke the b-“

“_His_ bond, not his soulmate’s bond.” Zayn interrupted and Niall refrained from rolling his eyes because he saw no point in talking about this, he would only start making himself false hopes. And he had just stopped crying. “Think about it, the way you’ve felt about him ever since you first met him, how much happier you’re now, how you couldn’t help but always go back to him even when you didn’t want to, how you don’t even miss your soulmate anymore when he’s with you.”

“That’s just- he’s incredible, and funny, and sweet. And really good looking, of course I immediately noticed him and- maybe I do still miss my soulmate, I can’t tell anymore, and- fact is, the way I feel about him, it’s got nothing to do with soulmates.” Also how would either of them have even known? How did anyone know without looking at their marks? “If he WAS my soulmate, I wouldn’t have to even question it. You’re supposed to just _know_.”

“Who knows? Not everyone is the same. And if he really is your soulmate then half the bond is broken, so that would change everything. Also, I don’t know how he broke it, but maybe he didn’t even do it correctly, who even knows?” Zayn was making Niall question all of this too much, the other boy hadn’t wanted to consider these things, make himself false hopes, but now he was.

“We never met before the restaurant. My mark was activated years before that. It makes no sense.” Or did it?

“Maybe he activated it by breaking the bond.” Zayn was thinking out loud at this point, just coming up with theories, seemingly pulling them out of his ass and Niall let himself fall back against the couch, covering his face with his hands.

“That’s not how it works, that’s-“

“How would you know? Google isn’t that trustworthy either, I’ve read thousands of different stories about all sorts of scenarios of soulmates meeting.” The other boy argued, and of course that was true, but fuck, Niall was about to start crying again. From frustration this time. “You could’ve bumped into each other or simply seen each other on that day, you know, somewhere on the street in public. Liam wouldn’t have felt anything at all and you… with only your mark in-tact it might have not been enough to draw you to each other.”

“If this is true then how come we never met again, for so many years? And why NOW?” Truly, this made no sense in Niall’s head, even if he desperately wanted it to.

“Why do some people meet their soulmates when they’re 20 and others when they’re 70? Why do some people decide not to be with their soulmate? Why do some p-“

“Okay, I get it, fuck. I don’t know.” Niall didn’t know anything anymore, except that he wanted Liam and no one else in this damn world. “Maybe my soulmate is dead. And they’re with me in spirit.”

“And you’re telling ME my theories are stupid?” Okay, Zayn had won this one. “… do you wish they were dead?”

“No, I- maybe.” It was wrong to admit it, but like… “I’ve thought about this many times, I was always terrified thinking about it, that I’d somehow be doomed to forever miss somebody whose already dead, but now… now it seems it would be the only solution. And I’d never even know it, I’d still spend the rest of my life in fear over meeting them… well, for as long as I’m with Liam. Don’t know how long he’s gonna wanna be around me… “

“Can you stop the self pity party? You’re clearly very much into each other.” Zayn sounded annoyed now, and Niall wanted to be upset but his friend was right of course. This wasn’t leading anywhere, and maybe Niall had needed to come here and say all of that, because he had needed somebody to kick his butt and force him to take action. “I’m going to get my laptop.”

“For what?” Now Niall was offended, because was Zayn that bored with this conversation?!

“To find every article in every newspaper about the day your mark was activated.” Was all he said, already having left before Niall could have complained, his heart speeding up like crazy just at the thought of it.

“I already tried finding everything I could, I had _years_ to do it, it was like, my life mission at some point, and-“

“Then we’re just gonna make sure you didn’t miss anything.” Great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys <3 
> 
> i thought this would be an early update but i took way too long editing this chapter, haha! i hope you enjoyed it <3 i definitely wanna make the next chapter a bit fluffier and cuter, and just have them be together and be happy for a bit, the drama will definitely come though! ive kinda been slowly building the ending in my head and i feel like it would be hard to guess it (mostly because it took me 2 months to come up with rip), so im a bit proud of myself but also, we will see, maybe it wont surprise anyone in the end! let me know your thoughts if you want!!
> 
> i also hope you all had a great christmas if you celebrate & i wish all of you a happy new year!! january 15th will actually mark my 6 year anniversary on this website and ive never felt this old haha! thank you all for reading my fics for yet another year <3 
> 
> also good luck for your exams if anyone also has theirs in january instead of december like me! ive also got an interview for an internship in 3 days so as usual it seems everything is just piling up! i hope you guys will have a more relaxed week <3


	9. Chapter 9

“This is crazy, seven people died on that day. _Seven_. And that’s just people from this city and-“

“They were all really old.” Niall told Zayn, resisting the urge to roll his eyes because it was no laughing matter, but he really regretted all of this. Not having told his friend the truth, but everything else. Like them sitting here on the couch while Zayn was googling every piece of information just like Niall had years ago. “I already looked into it. Can you stop looking at death announcements?”

“I can’t.” Zayn simply gave back, and Niall kinda got it, he knew what it was like getting sucked into this, wanting to find something so badly that he had ended up seeing signs in everything.

Now though, it just felt really fucking wrong. 

“I feel like we’re going behind Liam’s back.” Niall just had to say it after a couple more minutes of Zayn reading out events that had happened on that day, many of which sadly Niall knew way too much about. Mostly random things of course, but at some point he had also broadened his search and looked into stuff on a global level and it had gotten out of hand, to say the least. 

“We’re doing it _for_ him.” Now he sounded as if he was trying to justify his actions and it only made Niall feel more guilty.

“_I’m_ not doing anything.” He argued, and it was true, he was just sitting there, playing with his phone, nervously bouncing his leg and biting his lip bleeding. No idea what he was more scared of, Zayn actually finding something at some point, or him keeping this up until god knows when and texting Niall updates. “There’s really no point in doing this, you know. It won’t change anything, even if you did find something, which I highly doubt.”

“It would change _everything_.” Not what Niall had wanted to hear. He was struggling not to just reach over and close his friend’s laptop, but he was keeping it together. For now.

“And what? Even if my soulmate was dead, we could never be sure, there’s no way for me to ever know. And what if you did find my soulmate, should I hire an assassin or something?” A little dramatic, but Niall was slowly going a bit insane just sitting here.

“Why would you kill your soulmate?” At least now Zayn looked up and over at Niall, clearly shocked at the suggestion, and maybe Niall was as well. A bit. “For Liam?”

Niall shrugged, not really knowing what to say to this. It was hard to imagine it, like, what he’d actually do if he knew where his soulmate was. But then again, the pull couldn’t have gotten stronger, could it? His mark was already activated, maybe this was it. And besides, he felt none of it whenever he was around Liam anyways, he could’ve easily forgotten about it.

“See, this is why I think he’s your soulmate.” Zayn concluded, and with that, he did close his laptop, much to Niall’s surprise, as if he had just been waiting for Niall to confirm his theory. “Nobody would prefer another person over their soulmate. And especially because your mark his already activated, you already know what it’s like to miss them. And yet you still want Liam, you’ve fallen in love with him too quickly, it’s not normal. You just told me you love him after dating him for like, 2 weeks.”

“Are you saying I can’t-“

“No, what I’m saying is” Zayn took a breath, as if he was annoyed with Niall’s incompetence. He probably was. “You felt it from the beginning, when you first saw him, you couldn’t stay away, and now that you finally admitted it to him, it’s all going super fast. As if you’re making up for the time lost, but not consciously of course.”

“If this is all true then he still broke the bond. We wouldn’t be soulmates anymore anyways.” Maybe Niall had been bound to fall in love with somebody quickly because he never had before, maybe Zayn simply had no idea how love actually worked.

“Just because he broke the bond doesn’t change either of you as people. You’d still be meant to be together, in one way or the other.” He shrugged, and Niall had no arguments left, all he knew was that the longer Zayn kept on talking, the more worries arose in him.

“So he will never feel what I feel.” Niall blurted out after a second, and this was the moment Zayn did finally roll his eyes at him. 

“You’re a hopeless cause, you know that, right? I can’t believe we’ve gone from you telling me for over a year that you don’t give a crap about soulmates to this conversation.” He wasn’t the only one who couldn’t believe that, but Niall had just been a good liar, and too good at pretending. “I won’t keep on searching if you don’t want me to.”

“I don’t want you to.” Niall told him immediately, and he could tell his friend was slightly disappointed, but he nodded anyways, much to Niall’s relief. “I just wanna forget about it. I know I can’t, but… it’d be so much easier.”

“Can you promise me something though?” Oh god, what now?

“… depends.” The other boy wouldn’t foolishly say yes, and he knew he had made the right decision when he saw the look on his friend’s face as he leaned forward a bit, suddenly having gone all serious.

“Don’t do what Liam did, don’t-”

“It’s my decision, I-“

“It is, but you know it’d be stupid, we all know it. Liam wouldn’t want you to, if he really loves you he would never want you to do this. It’s not even about you doing it for him, it’s dangerous. I don’t know how Liam did it, but I suppose he told you by now, so I hope you know how much risk he took and what could have gone wrong.” Sadly, Niall had very vivid images of that, giving him goosebumps just thinking about Liam ever hurting himself. “At least promise me that if you ever think about it, you’ll talk to him first and let him try to change your mind.”

“Maybe he wouldn’t wanna change my mind…” Niall said it quietly, a little afraid of Zayn’s reaction, but he had meant it. 

“Well, if he doesn’t I’m gonna kill him, it’s that easy.” Zayn shrugged, not giving Niall a chance to protest or tell him it was none of his business, because he had already put his laptop on the coffee table and gotten up. “Are you hungry?”

“I don’t know, maybe a bit.” Niall shrugged, still lost in thoughts as he played with his fingers, kinda not sure anymore if he had even eaten before coming here.

“Well, Liam’s gonna be at the restaurant until midnight, so you might as well just stay here and we can pick him up later. I can drive you guys to your place, I’ve got nothing to do anyways.” Almost immediately, Niall had forgiven Zayn, suddenly not so much regretting this day anymore. “So what do you wanna eat?”

Was it rude that Niall had just cursed Zayn a bit in his mind and was now letting him pay for his food? Possibly a little bit.

\-------------------------------

Liam was a little bit confused when he read Niall’s text message in his break, a really long one, explaining that he had told Zayn about them, as well as whatever had happened before Christmas, and that he was sorry he hadn’t consulted Liam first. Of course it came as a surprise, but it had never been a secret, and they had agreed to tell their friends, so Liam made sure to tell Niall that before he had to work again, not wanting the other boy to beat himself up over it.

He was anxious to see Niall, not used to being apart from him for so long anymore, as ridiculous as it sounded. Still, Liam also felt a little nervous upon leaving the restaurant shortly after midnight, not quite knowing how to behave around Zayn now, but so eager to finally see Niall again that he honestly didn’t even care that much.

It was pitch black outside, and Liam was certain he wouldn’t have even found Zayn’s car had Niall not immediately gotten out of it the moment Liam was approaching the parking lot, coming over to meet him halfway, none of them even checking whether any of their co-workers were around.

“Hi, I-“

Liam had no time to say anything else, because Niall had already wrapped his arms around his neck and was kissing him, not deepening it now in the middle of the parking lot, but definitely lingering longer than appropriate. He only pulled back when Liam moved his arms underneath his jacket, hugging him close instead and closing his eyes for a moment.

This was what he had been craving all day long, at times so much it had been driving him insane. 

“I missed you.” Liam told the other boy, as ridiculous as it sounded after a few hours, but he just couldn’t help himself. 

“I really missed you too.” Niall answered immediately, twisting his fingers in Liam’s jacket. “I’m sorry for-“

“You don’t have to be sorry, Ni, I already told you. It’s completely fine.” Truly, they should have told their friends much, much sooner. Well, Liam had kinda told Harry and Louis, but also not really, and with no details or anything. “And I’m really glad Zayn wanted to pick me up.”

“Me too.” The other boy laughed briefly, pressing his lips against Liam’s cheek before leaning back. “We should probably get in the car, I don’t want him to regret offering.”

They walked to the car hand in hand even though it was only a few meters, but it happened kind of automatically, like, Liam had gotten used to just having Niall around and doing everything with him. Reaching out for his hand anywhere in public felt like the most normal thing to do, even after such a short time. 

“Thank you for picking me up.” Liam told Zayn as he got in the backseat, not at all surprised that Niall chose the backseat as well.

“You’re welcome, I had nothing to do anyways after I was done babysitting Niall.” He laughed, and Liam joined for a second while Niall was surely pretending to be upset, but it was too dark to tell, and it didn’t stop him from still reaching out for Liam’s hand again to pull it into his lap. “Congratulations, by the way.”

“Thanks.” Okay, this was just a tad awkward, but apparently Zayn had no further intentions of talking about it because he turned on the radio as he drove off and Liam felt a bit stupid for ever having been nervous about telling other people. Then again, Zayn was no Louis and he was also not Liam’s mother. 

“How was work?” Niall asked, squeezing Liam’s hand as he looked over, barely being able to make out his features in the dark car.

“It was really busy, we honestly thought we wouldn’t manage. You guys are so lucky you didn’t have to work today.” It had honestly been hell, but Liam didn’t wanna play it up now, he just wanted to lie down and forget about this day. 

“One of the guys texted Zayn how bad it was, I felt really bad for you. I’m sorry.” Niall was rubbing his thumb over Liam’s knuckles, kinda making him forget that he had ever been at work anyways. “Did you eat?”

“Yeah, in my break.” Very quickly, and not so much, but there was no need to say that, because Liam wasn’t hungry anyways. “Did you?”

“I-“

“Plenty.” Zayn threw in from the front, making Liam chuckle, but he also felt relieved hearing it. He didn’t know how Niall had handled him being away for so long, but if it was anything close to what Liam had felt, Liam was really glad that the other boy had had company. 

“It wasn’t even _that_ much…” Niall mumbled next to Liam, but there was no further protest, so it was probably closer to the truth.

Zayn dropped them off at home, and somehow it made Liam think about how they had kinda stopped talking about whether Liam would stay over or not, because he had for pretty much all of the last two weeks. His mother had asked about it, but he had simply told her that Niall had his own place and that they got along quite well, and she hadn’t really questioned it.

And she never would, because Liam dating a guy would have never even crossed her mind.

“How was it at Zayn’s?” Liam asked as they arrived in Niall’s apartment, finally being able to look at each other again with the lights turned on.

“It was alright. I, uh… I didn’t plan on telling him, but then… I really missed you, like… I do whenever you’re gone, and I was a bit emotional maybe, and then he asked me and it was like- it just slipped out.” He was trying to explain himself yet again, clearly feeling guilty over it, maybe thinking that Liam had asked because of it.

“Niall.” He started after having slipped off his shoes, coming over to the other boy to cup his face in his hands, also a little bit because he hadn’t been able to look at him in hours. “Don’t worry about it, okay? We should’ve told him two weeks ago already, same with Harry and Louis. It’s a good thing you told him.”

“But I also told him about what happened before-“

“Ni, I know. We even agreed back then we’re allowed tell our friends that as well, remember? You don’t have to feel bad.” No idea why it was bothering him so much, but Liam was determined to make it stop. “If you want I’ll call Louis right now and tell him everything.”

“It’s after midnight.” Niall reminded him, but at least he was smiling a little bit, putting his hands on Liam’s wrists. “It was just a really long day.”

“Agreed.” The longest day ever. Or at least the longest since New Year’s Eve. “D’you wanna lie down?”

Their clothes had gotten so mixed up during the last two weeks that it wasn’t too hard for Liam to find his own shirts and sweatpants for bed. Of course they had done laundry in the meantime, and Liam had been at home as well, and he had helped Niall clean, so it wasn’t like they didn’t do anything besides being here together, they both had uni and work as well of course. It was more like… like they had simply adjusted to each other’s lives so well as if they had been living this way for way longer.

Was it crazy that Liam even enjoyed brushing his teeth next to Niall? Probably, but then all of this was crazy and he didn’t care a single bit because it was the happiest he had ever been. 

Liam was already in bed before Niall because he had forgotten to check whether the front door was locked, so Liam struggled a bit to stay awake until he returned. Niall made sure to turn off the main lights but flick on his bedside table lamp before climbing into bed as well, literally over Liam, making them both laugh even though he almost kicked him in the face in the process. 

“I need some of the blanket as well, Li.” Niall chuckled when Liam sighed a bit, his eyes half closed when he tried to move enough so Niall could tuck himself in as well, pressed up right against Liam, but he was lying on his side, propped up on his elbow. “How tired are you?”

“Really tired.” It wasn’t a lie, Liam actually had to suppress a yawn while saying it, half blinking up at Niall, and it wasn’t helping when the other boy started playing with his hair, moving one of his legs between Liam’s underneath the blanket so they could be even closer. “I suppose you’re not?”

“Not really, but go to sleep. I’ll turn off the lights.” He tried to lean over Liam to reach the lamp, but Liam stopped him, not actually caring about the light being on.

“’s okay, I’ll manage a few more minutes.” That made Niall smile, so Liam tried to actually keep his open for a bit longer this time. They both had uni tomorrow morning, not TOO early, but still early enough that Liam already knew they would press snooze way too many times in a few hours. “Did you get any studying done?”

“No.” Niall shrugged, tracing Liam’s face with his fingers as if it was the most interesting activity in the world. It maybe was for him, because he did it quite a lot, and it would have made Liam blush had he not been so sleepy. “I think I’ll be fine, it’s mostly stuff I’ve already learned.”

“We should really study tomorrow.” It was normal to just say _we_ now, because why would Liam have gone home? It would’ve made no sense. 

“But it’s so boring. And there’s so many other things we could do.” Niall complained a bit, and Liam would have loved to just give in, but he was also slightly worried that they were getting so caught up in each other that they’d eventually forget about everything else. Not that Liam would have cared at this point. 

“Hmm… like what?” Liam asked, knowing exactly how cheeky he sounded, and Niall didn’t disappoint, he just started grinning before leaning down to kiss Liam, very softly and gently at first, only deepening it when Liam cupped the back of his head to hold him close.

It was still slow, and without any intention at all, but it felt so damn good to just be lying here with Niall after a day like this, kissing him and being able to touch him, without any other care in the world. Of course it led to Liam actually being able to sleep way later than planned, but he would have done it again any time.

\--------------

Niall was a little nervous about asking Liam, but on the other hand, he was so excited about it himself that he could barely even contain himself. Ever since he had told Zayn about a week ago, Niall had found himself becoming a bit anxious whenever he was out in public, and while checking his phone in fear his friend had texted him because he had found something after all.

Maybe Niall should have told Liam about his worries, but there really was no point in doing that because it’d only end up worrying the both of them and they couldn’t have changed it anyways. Plus, Niall didn’t want Liam to think that he spent all his time thinking about his soulmate, because he truly did not, only when he was alone, which really wasn’t all too often. Pretty sure he wouldn’t have survived it had Liam told him he wanted to spend more time at home again, and Niall’s heavy reactions to being apart from Liam probably weren’t normal, but it was what it was.

And by now Niall had fallen so deeply in love with him that he couldn’t have changed it even if he had wanted to.

It was the middle of the week, and they both had classes, so Niall really treasured it whenever they had free periods at the same time in between, even though they had to stay at uni and didn’t have too much time together. But it was still better than having to wait until the evening.

Liam was on his phone when Niall spotted him in the hallway, immediately feeling a smile forming on his face, his heart beating that tiny bit faster as he tried to be sleek going up to him, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s waist from behind to surprise him. 

“Hi.” Niall told him, pressing his lips against the back of Liam’s neck and there were so many people walking past that he was pretty sure no one was paying attention to them anyways. Then again, it also wouldn’t have mattered if they had, it wasn’t a secret. 

“Hi, babe.” Liam had pocketed his phone, turning around when Niall let go of for a moment to kiss him properly, mirroring the smile on the other boy’s face as he brushed his thumb across Niall’s cheek.

“You didn’t even flinch.” Niall laughed, using the chance to kiss Liam again because why not. They definitely were that annoying couple that was always over each other in any given situation, but he actually enjoyed the hell out of it. 

“I’ve got so many admirers coming up to me all the time, it’s nothing new.” The other boy joked, kissing away the fake pout on Niall’s face before shrugging. “I knew it was you.”

“How?” Literally, Niall had come up to him from behind, he would have _known_ had Liam seen him. He himself had only been certain it was Liam because he was wearing Niall’s hoodie. 

“I don’t know.” He smiled and Niall’s heart was flattering just looking at him. “How were your classes so far?”

Niall shrugged, rearranging his bag across his shoulder as they slowly let go of each other, but he did immediately reach out for Liam’s hand as they walked. “Alright, I guess, could’ve been worse. Yours?”

“The same. Only forgot about two homework assignments, but the professor has extended the deadline anyways.” It didn’t seem to bother him too much, but it made Niall think about how much they had been neglecting uni ever since New Year’s Eve. Then again, he had never been that ambitious to begin with or he would’ve long graduated.

“When is it due?” Niall tried not to sound as if he cared too much, or was nervous about it, but Liam’s answer made him relax.

“Tomorrow midnight. I guess I’ll have to work on it tonight. Maybe you can finally finish that presentation in the meantime.” Liam teased Niall, but he just shrugged anyways, not having any intention of finishing that presentation anytime soon. It was only due in over a week. 

They had to leave the building to get to the coffee shop on campus they always went to, and usually Niall enjoyed the short walk, but today it was literally snowing and so damn cold that he kinda wished they would have just stayed inside. Liam found it a little amusing to have Niall complaining this much, and how red his nose had gotten in the cold right before he kissed it, making it all a bit better by buying Niall some food and something to drink as well.

“You know how it’s a bank holiday next weekend?” Niall started, trying to make it sound random when they had sat down, licking the whipped cream off of his spoon while Liam seemed to have burned his tongue on his drink. “… are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Carry on.” He didn’t look fine, but he had some water from his bottle so Niall continued. 

“So we’ve got like… four days off, right?” Okay, was he already being too obvious? But Liam just nodded along, probably just thinking of his burnt tongue though. “And neither of us has to work and we’ve got nothing at all planned.”

“Except doing nothing.” Liam agreed, and Niall smiled, relieved that Liam hadn’t thought of something last minute, ruining his plans. No idea why Niall had even been nervous about this, maybe because he had wanted it so badly ever since he had come up with it a couple days ago, after talking to his mom on the phone. 

“So, I’ve been thinking about it… “ He continued, feeling a little giddy upon finally being able to tell Liam after having kept it a secret for a bit. Only two days, but that had already felt like way too long. “And I talked to my mom the other day and I don’t why but she, like, started talking about some place my family has been to a couple times when I was a bit younger and- anyways, I kinda, like, booked us a holiday. I should’ve asked, but-“

“Wait, what?” Liam had clearly not been expecting that, but he also didn’t at all look as if he hated the idea. “Where?”

“It’s a place up north, the train takes a few hours, but it’s totally worth it and everything. It’s like, in the countryside a little, and we’ve been there a couple times so I asked my mom if she could talk to the owners of that Airbnb and they’ve got no one there anyways because it’s so cold and it’s gonna be snowing a lot and- wait, I’ll show you.” Now Niall was getting even more excited about it, especially because Liam’s face had lit up as he pulled out his phone to pull up the pictures he had already prepared during his previous class. “It’s more like a cabin, really. There is a village there but it’s super small, it’s basically in the middle of nowhere. I actually hated going there when I was a teenager because of that.”

“It looks really nice, that’s- I don’t know what to say. Tell me how much you p-“

“No, it’s a surprise, you’re not paying anything.” Niall immediately protested, already having expected Liam to say that though. “So you wanna go?”

“Yeah, of course. Thank you for coming up with that idea.” Liam sounded and looked genuinely happy, and Niall felt pride swelling inside of him, mixed with even more excitement. “What did you tell your mom who you’re going with?”

“I said with a friend from work.” Niall shrugged a bit, not really wanting to go into too much depth about this though. His mother hadn’t really asked him too much about it anyways, so it was like, whatever. “If you have things to do on the weekend though-“

“I don’t have anything at all to do, Ni. I really wanna go, this looks great.” He sounded very genuine, and before Niall could have said anything else, Liam had already leaned over to kiss him. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome… but don’t thank me yet, it might turn out awful.” Niall warned him jokingly, although now he kinda wished they could have gone immediately. Being alone with Liam in the middle of nowhere was literally _the_ dream. 

“It can’t possibly be awful spending four days with just you.” Now THAT made Niall blush like crazy, but he also couldn’t help stupidly smiling about it for a moment as he covered Liam’s hand with his own. 

“Then I’m glad I didn’t suggest we ask anyone if they wanna come.” Niall had thought about it, first about Zayn, but then he had thought it would’ve been weird, so then he had thought about Louis and Harry, but that was too many people and they didn’t even officially know that they were together yet, and in the end he had just admitted to himself that he really wanted to be with just Liam, and no one else in this world. “I mean, we still can.”

“I really don’t wanna ask anyone else.” Liam told him almost immediately, so quickly that Niall definitely believed him. Like, not that they never had alone time or anything, but only at home. “When are we leaving?”

“Friday, I’ve not gotten the train tickets yet because I didn’t know what time you wanna go.” Niall was really happy that Liam seemed just as eager as him to go, so he pulled up the train times to read to his boyfriend and they pretty much spent the rest of their break together talking about it, making it really fucking hard to say goodbye again an hour later. Not that it was ever easy.

They only had a few more hours left until they’d see each other again at Niall’s place, but it still felt like way too long.

\---------------

_Louis 09:25  
I saw zayn at the store and im pretty sure he didn’t know that I didn’t know you and niall are dating? Why didn’t I know liam??? what???? answer me_

_Mom 09:59  
Is it the same friend you’ve spent the past few weeks with? Who is it?_

_Harry 10:15  
I don’t think I was supposed to find out this way, but I heard you and niall are together? Im really happy for you! :) (louis is too, hes just a bit dramatic, you know him)_

The string of messages on Liam’s phone he saw right before they got on the train on Friday wasn’t really how he would’ve planned for this weekend to start, but there was nothing he could’ve done to change it. At first, he thought about not showing Niall, but once they had found their seats and the train was moving and Niall had already gotten out the snacks they had brought, he wordlessly showed his phone screen to his boyfriend.

“Oh… what?! Why would Zayn do that? I told him not to-“ And then he stopped dead on, looking at Liam in a really shocked way, as if he had just remembered something awful. “I don’t think I told him that no one else knows. I’m sorry, Li, oh my god, I-“

“It’s okay, hey, don’t freak out. I should’ve told Louis ages ago, I’m kinda glad I won’t have to now.” Liam was actually being serious, after the first shock had passed of course. “I just feel a bit bad, but that’s not Zayn’s fault. I mean… I did kinda tell Louis already, I guess he just didn’t really get the way I meant it, like, that I was being serious.”

“I’m still sorry, I wouldn’t have thought Zayn would just go and- maybe it slipped out, maybe… maybe he thought it wasn’t a secret. I mean, it _wasn’t_ a secret, just… ugh.” Niall let out a bit of a frustrated sigh, and Liam couldn’t help but feel fondness spread through him, leaning over just a bit so he could kiss the other boy’s temple.

“Don’t worry about it, I’m actually happy that he told Louis. I mean, he’s going to be all in our face now and force us to go on double dates probably, but… that would’ve happened either way.” And also, Liam wasn’t half as bothered by the idea as he was making it seem. Not at all, actually. “Can I send him a picture of you?”

“If you insist.” Niall seemed to think it was kind of funny, so he pulled a face for Liam when he took a picture of him to send to Louis along with a short explanation and an apology, just to make it a bit less serious. He felt bad, but at the same time, he hadn’t been lying to Louis or anything, he just hadn’t felt ready to tell him. “What’re you gonna tell your mom?” 

“Nothing, just that she already met you that time we picked up some things from my place. I don’t think she cares too much, she’s just curious I suppose.” Liam shrugged, trying to be quick in answering everybody’s messages. He didn’t wanna be glued to his phone when this was supposed to be just his and Niall’s time although the other boy didn’t at all seemed bothered by it, because he was busy going through all their snacks.

Liam made sure to put his phone on silent and leave it in his bag by his feet once he was done, smiling to himself when Niall made himself more comfortable, half lying down with his head on Liam’s shoulder when the other boy wrapped an arm around him to pull him in closer. They had definitely not packed enough clothes, but then again, Liam wasn’t so sure they’d be wearing them too often anyways. He was definitely more prepared for other things than for basic every day stuff.

“I hope the view his gonna get better than this.” Liam joked as they were both looking out of the window, dropping a kiss to the top of Niall’s head. God, he had never been this excited about a train journey, or 4 days of not having anything planned.

“We literally just left, don’t be so impatient.” Niall gave back and Liam laughed against his scalp, petting the other boy’s chest where he had his hand before Niall grabbed a hold of it to play with his fingers instead. “We got 3 more hours to enjoy the view, you’re gonna grow tired of fields and trees.”

“Hmm… I don’t think I could grow tired of that view.” Liam wasn’t sure if Niall got what he was actually trying to say, but he brought Liam’s hand up to his lips for a moment before letting himself fall back even more into the other boy.

There were lots of people on the train, but Liam blocked them all out successfully, thinking about nothing at all except the way Niall felt against him, how familiar he smelled, how he wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere in this world except right here. To think that just a few months ago, Liam had had days where he hadn’t even seen a reason to leave the house seemed crazy now. Of course he’d probably still have these days once a while, and just being with Niall wasn’t the cure to everything going on.

At the same time though, it felt as if there had been some missing piece Liam hadn’t realized was even missing, and now that they had each other it was like… that void had just disappeared and Liam could think more clearly. Of course it made him think, the fact that he felt so strongly about Niall, and in such a short amount of time as well, but then again, he had never liked anybody this much, and maybe this was what everybody was talking about. That cloud nine feeling after first getting into a relationship with somebody.

Three hours didn’t feel long with Niall, not in any way. They talked about a lot of things, not growing tired of it or out of stuff to say despite the fact that they spent so much time together anyways. They also ended up already eating most of the food they had brought, and during the last hour, when Niall went back to half lying on Liam, they shared his headphones listening to some songs and Liam was pretty sure that Niall fell asleep on him for a little bit.

By the time they had to get off, the train was almost empty, and they barely made it into the short connecting train, where they were literally the only people. It had been snowing a lot the entire journey, and the further up north they had gotten, the more snow there had been on the ground, so Liam really was not surprised that they found themselves in a tiny train station that looked like the end of the world with all the snow surrounding them.

In a good way though.

“What if I told you now that we got off at the wrong stop?” Niall was clearly joking, but Liam actually thought that he wouldn’t have cared either way.

“I’d say that’s too bad but we could probably find somewhere to sleep around here as well.” He shrugged, reaching out to brush off a snowflake that had gotten caught on Niall’s eyebrow and the other boy a bit shivered when he touched him. “Sorry, my hands are cold. We should probably get going before we both catch a cold… do you know where we have to go? Even though we got off at the wrong stop?”

“Luckily I’ve got the best orientation skills so I can navigate us through this village even though it’s totally the wrong place, yeah.” He laughed at his own joke and Liam smiled, shaking his head a bit at the other boy. 

It definitely WAS a tiny village though, so they didn’t have to walk very far to meet the woman who was renting the place to them. She asked Niall a lot of things about his family, and Niall did admit to Liam after she had given them the keys that he could barely remember her and had just been trying to be polite.

“Are you sure you remember the way?” Liam wasn’t so sure anymore walking out of the village and up a hill while it was snowing heavily around them, but the other boy seemed very confident. “I can’t even see a path on the ground.”

“There is no path.” Oh. “But I remember the way, don’t worry. It’s right over there.”

He pointed somewhere, but Liam could barely even see anything because of all the snow, so he decided he just needed to trust Niall on this one. Not like he had much of a choice anyways.

They did arrive, very unexpectedly and much to Liam’s surprise a lot sooner than he would have thought. It was definitely a very small cabin, and he could see why Niall had hated coming here with his parents, but just for the two of them, it actually felt perfect. 

“Wow, this is like… insane.” Truly. They had entered very quickly because they were both freezing, making sure to close the door right after so none of the snow would blow inside. “I can’t believe they’re not always renting it out to someone. How much did you really pay?”

“Not a lot, no one wants to come here when it’s cold and snowing, I think people mostly rent it to go hiking in the summer or something. Didn’t you see how happy she was to see us?” Niall laughed, and Liam had to agree that yeah, the woman had looked very happy indeed. “So you like it?”

“I love it.” Liam told him truthfully, looking around when Niall had switched on the lights as they were taking off their shoes. “How often have you been here?”

“I think like… three times in total? Usually during the summer when I had no school.” He shrugged, the memories apparently not that great. “I would’ve rather gone to Ireland, not be crammed in here for a week or so with my parents. But now I’m really happy I know about this place.”

“Me too.” Truly. “I’m surprised we even have any electricity, I’ve not even got any phone signal.”

“You have to go into that corner over there, it literally just works there. Or used to at least.” Niall laughed at Liam’s face, chugging his bag somewhere as he walked over just to prove it to the other boy. “See? But you won’t be needing your phone anyways, I’m the most entertainment anyways.”

“You’re so cute.” He truly was, and Liam just NEEDED to tell him, making Niall smile.

“Oh, I know.” He shrugged, and Liam knew his cheeks would’ve turned pink had they not already been from the cold outside.

When he cupped Niall’s face into his hands to kiss him, it was also a bit to warm him up, continuing to press his lips in random spots of the boy’s face until Niall was giggling, turning a bit to catch Liam’s mouth with his own instead. 

“I’m really happy we came here…” Liam whispered while they were still half kissing, and Niall had slipped his hands underneath his hoodie, maybe to warm them up a bit, maybe so he could touch Liam’s skin.

“Me too… ‘m happy you like it.” Niall answered quietly, standing so close by now that there physically was no distance between them. “I actually thought about showing you the town I grew up in… but jumping on a plane in such short notice sounded too stressful.”

“I’d love to see it one day.” Honestly, Liam would have probably done it had Niall asked him, but he was also a little glad that they were all alone instead. Plus… none of Niall’s family knew they were together, so they might have had to stay away from each other and it didn’t seem like either of them would’ve been capable of that right now. 

They would have probably ended up doing more instead of kissing had Niall’s stomach not started rumbling and they had a bit of a shock for a second thinking about how they had already eaten most of their food on the way here, and how they’d possibly have to go back outside to find any kind of store. Luckily though, the woman renting them the place had left a few things, and even though they didn’t quite go together, it was worth it not having to go outside anymore today, especially because it was slowly getting dark as well.

Niall turned on the heating, so much that Liam almost started sweating after a while and they could walk around in just shirts and some pants. It would’ve probably been more romantic to light the fireplace, but neither of them had any experience with that and they didn’t wanna necessarily burn down the place. Not today.

Also, it was pretty romantic to just be here in general, so it was whatever.

“Did Louis ever answer your text?” Niall asked, hours after they had arrived and already cleaned up again after eating.

“Hmm, I don’t know. I’ve got no signal and I don’t wanna get up right now.” Or ever again.

They were both lying on the couch, on opposite ends, but their legs were tangled up to make more space and Niall had found a blanket that only he was using though, because Liam was still hot from how long they had had the heater turned on. 

“I don’t even know how I survived being here as a teenager, with no Wi-Fi and everything.” Niall laughed, and Liam joined for a moment but he could very well relate. He hadn’t been an outgoing teenager, so he had definitely spent too much time on his laptop as well. “I couldn’t even update my blog, it was quite terrible.”

“You never told me what that was about.” He had mentioned it, ages ago, or so it felt like, when they had first met, but Liam had to admit he had never really thought about it again or heard Niall talk about it. 

“My blog? It’s just random, really. More like a diary, I guess, I’m not actively using it anymore. I mean, I used to also post pictures and people could comment, but it was just a hobby.” Niall made it sound not so interesting, but now he had definitely made Liam curious.

“So you’re not like, a secret influencer or on the way of becoming one?” He joked, and Niall let out a sigh.

“I wish. I’d just quit uni and the restaurant and do that full time and we’d just be going places all the time. It’d be great.” The fact that he had said _we_ made Liam’s heart flatter a bit, and it did sound nice, but their lives right now definitely weren’t bad either. “No, but like… I mostly used it to just write down things that bothered me, like… you know. It’s definitely gotten a bit depressing over the years, I deleted a lot of that stuff. I’ve not used it for a while.”

“So there’s nothing about me?” It was a joke of course, Liam would have never actually thought that Niall would take it seriously, but there was a moment of silence before he answered.

“There might be. But I’m not showing you.” Niall immediately added the second part when Liam had already opened his mouth. “I can’t, no signal, remember?”

“You can show me when we’re back home.” Okay, Liam shouldn’t have asked because it had only made him curious.

“It’s not very interesting, you’re gonna be disappointed. Like, it’s nothing bad, just… “ He had sat up by now, shrugging as he kept the blanket around his shoulders. 

Liam stared at him for a moment, trying to read Niall’s facial expression and deciding to stop pushing because it didn’t seem as if the other boy enjoyed the conversation too much. Instead, Liam opened his arms without saying a word, and it didn’t take two seconds before Niall had lied down right on top of him and Liam was hugging him close, burying his face in the other boy’s hair. 

“Okay… sorry I asked.” It kinda felt appropriate to apologize, Liam was only whispering it though, moving a bit underneath Niall to get them in a more comfortable position, but they kinda fit together like this really well anyways, their bodies adjusting to one another automatically. “I didn’t wanna make you uncomfortable.”

“I know… you didn’t. I’m the one who started talking about it anyways.” Liam felt Niall shrugging a little, but he stayed still against Liam otherwise, his breath hitting the other boy’s exposed skin. “I, uh… ever since we talked and- since Zayn’s party. I feel a lot better, like, overall. Just being with you, is like… I’ve never felt this way before. When we’re together, it’s like nothing else exists in the world or something.”

He was using very strong words to describe his feelings for Liam, and Liam immediately felt his throat closing up a bit as he held Niall even tighter. It was crazy to think that he had ever been worried that Niall would never come close to liking him as much as Liam liked him in return, but here they were. 

“… do you think it’s strange? How quickly we’ve- you know.” He was half whispering, interrupting himself towards the end and Liam could tell he was nervous talking about it. So was he.

“Maybe.” Liam answered eventually, he would have loved to say no, but that would’ve been a blatant lie. “I’ve been thinking about it a lot… but I suppose it’d be hard for either of us to know how the other person feels, because… because of our soulmate marks, and the whole situation.”

“Yeah… “ The word was barely audible, and Liam felt Niall’s hand worming its way underneath his shirt, pressing his fingers right against Liam’s skin. “… are you scared?”

At first, Liam again wanted to say no, not immediately understanding what Niall was even referring to, but when he did, he felt his heart speeding up a bit. Pretty sure Niall could feel it as well because of how close they were, and the other boy lying on top of Liam. 

“Maybe a bit.” He admitted after a moment, even though he was risking to ruin the mood, but it didn’t feel like it.

“Me too… “ Niall mumbled, which honestly, wasn’t all too motivating, but at least they were on the same page. And Niall did continue, proving a lot of Liam’s worries to having been pointless. “But just so you know… when I’m with you, I never think about my soulmate, and I kinda- I’m not missing them anymore when we’re together. So even if… even if I’d randomly run into them- I wouldn’t just call it quits on us. I think I do have a choice and some control over it, I didn’t use to think so, but the longer we’re together… it’s becoming more obvious. And honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever meet my soulmate again, I’m starting to think they’re not even around anymore.”

It felt good to hear all of this, even though Liam didn’t like talking too much about it in general, and he also wasn’t sure if Niall really did have any control, if maybe he was just saying it to make Liam feel better. And who knew… the moment he saw his soulmate, everything could’ve changed yet again. 

Liam stayed quiet on this one, just rubbing his hand up and down Niall’s back in even motions, trying to sort out his thoughts on the matter when the younger boy continued after some hesitation.

“When I talked to Zayn, I- I told him how I felt, and he said something… I mean, he said a lot, but… “ Niall broke off again, clearly taking a breath and Liam wondered whether he should’ve been nervous or not. “He said he thinks we might be soulmates. That either my mark activated when you broke the bond or that we bumped into each other and the pull wasn’t strong enough because half was missing.”

“I thought about this as well.” Liam admitted though he had never explored that idea in too much detail after coming to a few conclusions that he hadn’t really wanted to share with Niall, until now. Because he kinda didn’t have a choice. “The thing is though… your mark activated during the day, and when I did it- it was night time. So unless you didn’t check your mark all day or for a few days… “

There was silence, and Liam already knew what it meant before Niall answered. “It wasn’t activated in the morning… but, uh, we could’ve still bumped into each other. Or- do you… do you remember the day, or the year and the month?”

“Hmm… “ Now Liam had to really think about it, not sure if he really wanted to even answer that question. But they were bound to find out at some point, and it would’ve been stupid not to at least explore the idea. Even though Liam already knew the answer. “I was fifteen… so it was in 2010… I think it was in December. I don’t know the exact date anymore.”

Even more silence, and Liam knew what it meant yet again before Niall continued, apparently still having hope inside of him. “Okay, I mean- mine happened like almost a year after that, so… I suppose you won’t remember what you did on that exact day, but- but we could’ve still bumped into each other. Right?”

“We could’ve.” Liam agreed, because it was definitely a possibility, but they’d never know because how would they have known? If it had been a day like any other? Judging by the tone in Niall’s voice though, he was clearly taking this a lot more to heart than Liam. “… are you disappointed?”

“No, I… I didn’t think it’d be this easy to figure it out, like… “ He moved a bit on top of Liam, lifting his head so they could look at each other, but the smile on his face was definitely fake. “It was just because Zayn came up with all these theories and I’ve been thinking about them, and- sorry, I didn’t wanna ruin the mood.”

“You didn’t ruin anything, Ni. I wish it was true as well.” Just for the record, and Liam could immediately see the switch in Niall’s facial expression, from forcefully happy to on the edge of crying and it was breaking his heart to see Niall this way. “Hey, it doesn’t mean anything, okay? I’m still me and you’re you and we might never find out what really happened, we could’ve easily bumped into each other. But it doesn’t matter, okay? It really does not. It won’t change anything. And you can’t forever live in fear of going outside and meeting strangers because you’re afraid they’re the one. And as much as I love being here with you, in the middle of nowhere, we can’t forever hide from the world because of this, alright? What’s supposed to happen is going to happen anyways, one way or the other.”

Niall had listened intently, looking Liam in the eyes, but he looked away now, clearly fighting his tears as he bit his bottom lip and Liam slowly lifted his arm to brush some hair out of the other boy’s face. “I didn’t just wanna come here because of that, I truly wanted to be alone with you. But… you’re right. And I know it, I just… I wanted it to be you so badly. I can’t help it that I’m scared, I don’t ever wanna hurt you and I just- I want it to be us. I want us to be meant to be together, like- like Louis and Harry and all those other people. It’s not fair.”

“It’s not.” Liam agreed, still brushing his fingers through Niall’s hair while Niall was clearly struggling to breathe normally and not let those tears spill over. “Look at me.”

He did, after quite some hesitation, eyes shimmering and yet they looked so hopeful that Liam would say something that would make it better that there really was only one thing for Liam to say right now that might have somehow lived up to that hope. 

“I love you.” Niall’s eyes went big at that, he had clearly not been expecting it, and just for a second, Liam thought it wouldn’t be well received. He was very wrong, luckily.

Niall let out a quick laugh that sounded both choked and as if he couldn’t actually believe it, but right before he leaned down to press his lips against Liam’s, he made sure to warm Liam’s heart as well. “I love you too, Li.”

Their kiss was very emotional following that conversation, and Liam knew that Niall must’ve still been thinking about it, that he was still worried, but it seemed that snogging right here in the middle of nowhere and on this couch was maybe the best way to forget about everything except each other.

Niall deepened the kiss immediately, licking into Liam’s mouth while his hand was still underneath the other boy’s shirt, caressing his skin wherever he could reach while Liam made sure to hold him close with a hand at the back of his neck.

They never had to be quiet at Niall’s place either, or fear that anyone would interrupt them, but right now they didn’t even have any phone signal and were so far off any civilization that they could have _literally_ done whatever they had wanted. And after a couple of minutes of making out and rubbing against each other, it became very obvious that the couch was a bit too small for them.

“Can we- can we lie in bed instead?” Niall was breathless when he asked, barely even interrupting the kiss, and Liam just found himself nodding as far as that was possible, moving with the younger boy as he sat up so they could keep on kissing for a bit longer.

No idea how they even made it to the bed, but their way was definitely interrupted by a few pieces of furniture and giggles and them ripping each other’s shirts off and when Liam was lying above Niall on the bed, he had to take a second to actually stare at him.

“What’re you doing?” Niall whined a bit, clearly wanting to keep on kissing Liam, trying to pull his head down close to his and Liam let out a quiet, breathless laugh.

“You’re beautiful.” Liam told him, well aware that it was going to make Niall’s already red face even redder, but it was 100% the truth. “I wanna- I don’t wanna rush through it. I wanna make sure we do it properly, if- if you want to.”

“I want to… “ The other boy had gone a bit quiet, now only playing with Liam’s hair instead of trying to pull him down for another kiss. It was obvious that he had gotten nervous, and Liam could feel his own belly tightening a bit at the thought. “I’ve wanted to for a while… “

“Me too.” Liam admitted, because them basically living in each other’s pockets since weeks now had definitely led to a lot of things. But they had never slept together, they had gotten off together multiple times, had gotten each other off, but not like this. “I, uh… I gotta admit I came prepared.”

Niall’s eyes went big at this, and Liam thought that he was shocked to hear it, but instead, he just started laughing underneath Liam, his body vibrating against the other boy’s. “Me too.”

“Oh.” Was all Liam could think of before he joined the laughter, the nervousness easing a bit as relief spread through him instead. 

“But I promise I didn’t want us to go on this trip just because I wanted to get in your pants.” Niall joked, clearly trying to overplay his own nervousness and Liam smiled, leaning down to kiss him softly before rubbing their noses together.

“Wow, that’s so romantic. You’ve gotten in my pants plenty of times though.” So often Liam had lost count.

“You know what I mean.” He would’ve surely rolled his eyes right now had they been looking at each other and Liam laughed again before kissing him, because he definitely knew what Niall meant, and the prospect of them actually doing this right now, being closer to each other than ever before… it was almost too much for Liam to handle.

They kept making out on the bed for a while, both of them shirtless but still in their sweatpants, and Liam made sure to be gentle and do it slowly because he wanted them to treasure this moment forever, as sappy as that sounded, but it was just important to him.

So they didn’t just go for it, and Niall also wasn’t trying to quicken it up, returning Liam’s kisses just as softly, for once not pulling the other boy’s hair trying to desperately get them to hurry up. To be fair, they usually both got desperate very quickly and it wasn’t just Niall, so it was really nice to take their time, make sure they did it right.

When Liam kissed down Niall’s jaw and his neck, his collar bones, wanting to caress every inch of Niall’s body on his way down, Niall was breathing very unsteadily above him, his chest heaving as Liam placed open-mouthed kisses across his bare skin. They knew each other and their bodies well enough by now to know what the other person liked, and Liam almost had to smile a bit to himself feeling Niall’s finger nails digging into his shoulder as he closed his lips around Niall’s nipples.

“Fuck- Liam… Liam- can we... “ Niall broke off to let out a quiet moan when Liam sucked on his nipple, but he did look up again after, having heard the slight worries in Niall’s voice.

“Yeah?” He asked, staring at Niall’s flushed face, his deeply red lips as he moved up the bed again so they could be eye to eye once more. 

“I just… “ He was struggling with his words, at the same time trying to catch his breath, rubbing the back of his hand down Liam’s cheek and down his neck, watching his fingers dance over the other boy’s collar bones. “I know you know I’ve never done this before and- I know you’ve not done it either, so… I was just- and I’ve never, like, I’ve never thought about being with another guy before you, so, like… I mean, I know how it _works_, but I- do we know what we’re doing? Like… like, what if we end up hurting each other, or- I heard it hurts and- I’m a bit nervous.”

“I’m nervous as well.” Liam made sure to tell him, because it was the truth and maybe so Niall would be able to calm down a bit. “And we don’t have to do anything at all if you don’t want to, okay? And we can stop at absolutely any time. I’d never do anything to hurt you, and you have to promise to tell me if I do. Okay?”

“I- I promise.” Niall told him immediately, now finally looking at Liam again and the other boy smiled, letting his forehead gently knock against Niall’s. 

“We can do it however you want, and I promise we’ll do it so slowly we’re immediately gonna know if either of us is uncomfortable, okay?” To be fair, Liam knew where Niall’s worries were coming from, if he had really never thought about liking guys, so Liam would do absolutely anything to make sure he was comfortable at all times. “We’re only doing it if we both feel good about it, and you can say stop at any time and I will.”

“Okay… I trust you, I’m just- I don’t know what to expect. But I really want to.” He added the last part quickly, maybe so Liam wouldn’t think he was having any second thoughts. 

“Let’s just take it slow, okay? We have all the time in the world.” They truly did now, right now time didn’t even feel real to Liam.

“Okay… “ Niall whispered, turning his head so their lips were brushing, just staying like this for a moment, breathing against one another, but then his half mumbled words sent shivers down Liam’s spine. “I love you… I love you so much I never thought that’s even possible. I think I loved you the first time we met, I just didn’t know and- I don’t care what happened, or what will happen, I know this was meant to be… I know you’re a part of me, somehow, in whatever way, I can feel it, I’ve felt it all along… you’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi :)
> 
> i hope you liked this chapter, because i literally finished it 2 minutes ago before uploading it haha! i really enjoyed writing it though, and i hope it got you excited to find out whats actually going to happen with nialls soulmate ;) i was careful not to give too much away haha!
> 
> i hope you guys had a great week! mine was stressful, but i got the internship!!! so now i just need to pass a few exams and then were all good (i hope :p)! thank you for all the kind words on the last chapters, i hope youre all doing well and have a nice week <3


	10. Chapter 10

“You don’t have to say anything, I just wanted you to know.“ Niall continued quietly, stretching just a bit to kiss Liam, his heart hammering in his chest from what he had just said. It had just come out somehow, he hadn’t even planned it, hadn’t even really thought about it. But hearing it out loud made it sound completely right. 

Liam didn’t allow Niall to really get into the kiss, and Niall knew he had taken him off guard, could see it in his face when Liam leaned back a bit so they could look at each other, his face soft but still surprised. He needed a moment to answer, just looking down at Niall, leaning into the other boy’s hand when Niall reached up to touch his face. “I can feel it too. It’s like, this has all happened so fast but it feels like it should’ve happened much sooner, I don’t know how to explain it, but… I love you too, Ni. I don’t know why or if it was just coincidence, but I’m so glad we met… I’ve never felt more sure about anything.”

That made Niall smile, his heart fluttering as he looked up at his boyfriend, and he could feel the nervousness about what they were about to do easing. At the same time, he started to feel a tad emotional, but instead of crying, he made sure to softly pull Liam’s head back down to his so they could kiss some more.

This time, Niall didn’t stop Liam when he started kissing down his neck and chest again, making Niall laugh when he breathed too much against his ribs and _of course_ Liam found it hilarious to see just how ticklish Niall was and had to take advantage of it. Any sort of seriousness or nervousness was completely gone at this point, they knew each other and they trusted each other and there was really nothing else Niall needed to worry about in that moment.

“Can I… ?” Liam asked, and Niall nodded, helping the older boy to take off his pants, and his boxer briefs along with them. 

Niall was half hard from all the kissing and touching and he had a really hard time not being disappointed when Liam didn’t immediately put his mouth or hand on him like so many times before, but then again, he also didn’t wanna come before anything had even happened. He wanted Liam so badly, all of him, that he almost got impatient.

“Okay, I should probably get something.” Liam decided after a second, clearly a little overwhelmed all of a sudden and Niall thought it was just too cute. “Stay here.”

“Where would I go?” Niall laughed, briefly cupping the back of Liam’s head when he pressed a quick kiss to his lips before getting out of bed, probably to search through his bag.

Liam’s body was flushed when Niall watched him across the room, his pants were riding dangerously low on his hips and he was kinda searching through his things a bit hectically, clearly in a rush. Niall just watched him for a moment, not really thinking when he got a hand around himself until Liam came back a minute later, pretending to be fake shocked as he wrapped his fingers around Niall’s wrist.

“Stop that, that’s my job.” He joked and Niall playfully rolled his eyes, but he did Liam the favor and let go of himself, getting a bit excited seeing the bottle of lube in his hands. “Okay… what do you wanna do?”

“Like… do I want you to fuck me or-“

“Can you not say it like that?” Liam complained while Niall just laughed, honestly feeling a little high because of all of this. Pretty sure that would change in a little bit, but he was enjoying it for now. “But- yes. I mean, we can do it whatever way you want.”

“I think that you should be doing the work because I’ve never watched guy on guy porn.” Niall decided after a second, well aware that that would make Liam blush again, so he grinned a bit when it had the expected effect. 

“This is so not romantic.” The other boy almost sounded a bit sad about it, but Niall could tell he was also about to laugh, so he didn’t feel too bad.

Still, he made sure to sit up for a moment, just so he could kiss Liam on the lips, as an apology sort of. Even though he had meant it. “Sorry… I just said it because I think you probably know more than me.”

“Maybe.” Liam agreed after a second, gently guiding Niall to lie down but going with him, his face getting a bit more serious as he looked at the other boy. “I know I already said it, but tell me if I’m hurting you.”

“I will.” Niall promised, he hadn’t planned on not doing it, but he also really appreciated Liam worrying so much about his well-being. After all, Niall really had no idea what to expect.

“Try to relax, okay? There’s not need to be nervous. It’s just me.” It seemed that right now, Liam was actually the one who was more nervous, but Niall just nodded, giving his boyfriend a smile in hopes of calming him down.

He didn’t just go for it, he kept kissing Niall for a bit longer, his hand finding its way between their bodies, loosely moving it over Niall’s erection, maybe to distract him a bit, and it worked quite well. Maybe a bit TOO well, actually.

When Liam told Niall to turn onto his stomach, Niall whined a bit having to interrupt the kiss, but he still did it anyways, putting his cheek on his folded arm, wishing he could’ve watched from a better angle. Liam stayed close to him, lying next to him, his hand stroking up and down Niall’s back for a bit, over his bum, and now Niall did feel his heart speeding up again, but not too much. He still wanted this, more than anything in the world.

Liam was clearly nervous too when he slipped his fingers between Niall’s arse cheeks, and Niall could feel the older’s breath against his shoulder when he rubbed his dry finger against Niall’s hole, slowly, as if he wasn’t quite sure if he should have actually done it.

“Niall?” Liam asked after a moment, as if he needed reassurance, and Niall almost had to laugh. “Is this- are you okay?”

“’course. I would’ve pushed you off if it wasn’t okay.” Niall joked, chuckling against his arm. “You can- you know. It’s like, it feels good, but you can definitely do more.”

“Okay, yeah, I- I just didn’t wanna overwhelm you.” He cleared his throat a bit, retracting his fingers and Niall bit the inside of his cheek so he wouldn’t laugh again because Liam was just so cute. He wasn’t usually like this, so unsure and whatnot, but it just showed Niall how afraid he was to hurt him or make a mistake, and it really made his heart swell just knowing that Liam cared so much about him, that he wanted this just as much as Niall, and wanted it to be good so badly. It could’ve never been bad though, not with him.

Liam obviously struggled with the lube, but Niall decided to stay quiet on it, and just lied there waiting for a bit, trying not to think too much about whether it would actually hurt or not. The glide of Liam’s finger definitely felt better with liquid, and Niall thought that he could actually get into it when Liam was stroking him a bit harder and Niall pushed his hips into the mattress, feeling the friction of the blanket beneath him against his erection.

When Liam attempted to push his finger in a little, Niall was certain he had heard him holding in his breath and he tried to relax his body, now not feeling like laughing anymore at least. It didn’t hurt, because Liam wasn’t really doing much, and he had used so much lube that Niall could feel it trickling down his balls, but that was okay. It was kinda hot, honestly.

There was definitely a burn, and a stretch, but Liam didn’t just push his finger in or anything, he alternated between just rubbing circles over Niall’s sensitive skin and stretching him just a bit, and Niall kinda thought they’d be doing this for hours if Liam didn’t hurry it up a bit.

“Li- I’m fine. You’re not hurting me.” Niall mumbled against his own skin, feeling comforted by the way he could feel Liam’s body right next to his, his lips grazing the back of his neck for a moment. 

“Okay. Do you still wanna keep going?” He asked again, and Niall made sure to confirm, because god, he wanted nothing more.

It did definitely hurt, but like, not a lot, it was mostly like a dull pinch and a stretch when Liam finally pushed his finger past Niall’s rim, giving him a few too many seconds to adjust before moving it again. This was something Niall had never done to himself, nor had anyone else do to him obviously, so it was very new, a little strange to have somebody’s finger up his bum, but he had to admit it felt good once the pain got less and less and Liam was slowly thrusting his finger in and out of Niall.

It wasn’t, like, mind blowingly great, but that was maybe because they were going so slow. Niall gave Liam permission to use a second finger as well, even though that one definitely hurt more than just one, but he stayed quiet because it was anything besides unbearable. 

“Fuck… “ Liam mumbled after he had fit two fingers inside of Niall, and the other boy felt him lean his forehead between his shoulder blades for a moment, breathing against his skin as Niall’s own breathing had definitely sped up as well. Liam was hard against Niall’s leg, he could feel it very well and just the thought that this was getting Liam off as well only made it that much hotter to Niall as well. 

“Keep going. Please.” Niall encouraged him, so Liam did, and it was really unexpected when he thrust his fingers in that tiny bit deeper, brushing against Niall’s prostate and making the other boy jerk.

“Sorry, I-“

“No, fuck, keep going. Do it again. Please.” Niall couldn’t help but almost whine a bit, seeking the feeling again even though it had just been brief. Right, he had definitely NOT been expecting that, and just the thought of actually having Liam’s dick inside of him massaging that spot instead of just his fingers- Niall couldn’t even finish the thought or he would have probably come right into the damn sheets. “_Yeah_, please- can you- _Liam_… “

Liam was just pressing down on Niall’s prostate, rubbing circle into the bundle of nerves while Niall was struggling to stay still beneath him, wanting to push his ass back on the other’s fingers, breathing heavily against his arm as Liam kept going, not giving him a break.

“_Li_… you can- do another finger.” Niall was aware that he was begging now, but he didn’t care, he just needed to speed up this process so Liam could get inside of him before he’d make him come like this.

There was more pain, but Niall was breathing through it easily and once Liam had gone back to fingering him with three fingers this time, pressing against his prostate on every second stroke, everything had just turned into pure bliss. Niall was moaning underneath Liam, not trying to hold back, pushing his hips against the mattress while Liam was fingering him open. Fuck, he had never felt this way before, had never even thought that he COULD, and it was all just a bit overwhelming really.

“Liam- _aaah_, fuck, please, you can- I’m ready, please.” Niall’s string of words probably made no sense, but he was SO close that he just needed Liam to stop, even if he just wanted him to keep going. “I’m gonna-“

“Okay, okay. Shit. Wait.” Liam pulled his fingers out slowly, and Niall tried not to be disappointed, turning onto his back once more when Liam told him to so they could look at each other. “Fuck- are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Niall told him quickly because he had never been more sure of anything. “Let me do that.”

Liam had gotten rid of his pants fairly quickly and Niall took the condom out of his hand, needing a couple seconds to get it on right but then again, he wasn’t even that sure why they’d even need one. The fact that Liam had gotten hard just from fingering Niall was probably hotter than anything else, and Niall had to force himself to stop from giving Liam’s dick a few jerks to spread the lube, the older boy’s breathing increasing quite heavily.

When Niall lied back down, he was pretty sure Liam could have heard his heartbeat as well because it was going so damn fast as they looked at each other and Liam slowly lied down on top of Niall for now, kissing him softly on the lips. “I love you.”

“I love you more.” Niall told him breathlessly, wrapping his arm around Liam’s neck to press their mouths back together, chuckling a bit against Liam’s when he didn’t allow him to complain.

Niall made sure to spread his thighs to make it easier for Liam, keeping his hands on the other boy as he watched him grabbing a hold of himself, almost biting his lip bleeding from excitement. It didn’t go completely smoothly, and there was definitely pain when Liam started pushing into him, but he was always leaving Niall enough time to adjust and breathe through it, and when he was fully buried inside the younger boy, Niall actually felt a bit dizzy. Not in a bad way though.

“Okay?” Liam half whispered, keeping his weight on both his elbows and he looked down at Niall a bit worriedly as he nodded, probably grabbing a bit too tightly onto Liam’s biceps. 

He didn’t do anything for a while, was clearly trying not to move in any way when he kissed Niall and licked inside his mouth, his hand suddenly between their bodies, lazily wanking the younger boy as they snogged, to distract him. It worked really fucking well.

Niall had to stop Liam yet again, holding him close when he told him to move, their foreheads knocking against each other when Liam slowly built a rhythm of thrusting into Niall and the pain very quickly turned into pleasure. It was unlike anything Niall had felt before, so much better than anything they had done thus far and so much more intimate, as close as any human beings could’ve possibly gotten and the thought almost made Niall cry.

“Is it- okay?” Liam asked, his voice sounding strained and apparently Niall’s quiet moans weren’t enough of a confirmation for him. 

“Yeah- _fuck_, Li, it’s so good- don’t stop.” Niall begged, clinging onto the older boy by now, moving his hips a bit in time with Liam’s thrusts. 

He could’ve definitely gone harder, but instead of begging him to, Niall caught Liam’s mouth with his again, messily kissing him while Liam was fucking into him, eventually getting a hand around Niall’s cock again to get him off at the same time. When he _finally_ got as deep as Niall had wanted him to, it was sending a wave of pleasure through his entire body and he moaned against Liam’s lips, not even knowing anymore how any of this could be real.

“Just- just like that… “ Niall moaned, his head spinning and he was SO, so close but was trying his best to hold back and make it last for as long as possible.

They weren’t really able to kiss anymore, they were more breathing against one another, staying close though and Niall’s moans were mixing with Liam’s as the older boy’s thrusts were getting harder and deeper, and considering how old the bed was, they should’ve maybe worried about the sounds, but obviously neither of them did in that situation.

Niall didn’t wanna come just yet, but it was kinda unexpected when he heard Liam moaning his name and he spilled between their bodies, over Liam’s hand still wanking him while Liam was fucking him through his orgasm, following close behind as Niall was clenching tight around him. It was so fucking good, Niall went straight to heaven clinging to Liam, seeing stars in front of his eyes, his ears feeling as if they had been stuffed with wool right after. 

He barely even noticed Liam slowing to a stop, half collapsing on top of Niall after, not pulling out just yet. Niall’s legs were burning but he couldn’t even bring himself to care, he just hugged Liam close, trying to catch his breath, not being able to help that smile on his face as well as those tears building up in his eyes. It was all just… too much.

They stayed quiet for a bit, in complete silence except their own, uneven breaths, and Niall felt Liam’s heart beating right against his, felt everything so much more intense than ever before. Liam’s weight on top of him felt really good, and he smelled like sex and like Liam and Niall could have stayed this way forever. 

“You’re really good at this for never having done it before… “ Niall whispered jokingly after a few minutes had passed and he was drawing random patterns on Liam’s bare skin. 

“So are you.” Liam whispered back and Niall hugged him tighter, never wanting to let him go again. This was where they both belonged, with each other. “… you don’t love me more.”

“I was just joking.” Niall was surprised that he had thought about this now, but it made his heart swell a bit when Liam answered.

“Just wanted you to know.” He mumbled somewhere in the pillow next to Niall’s head and the other boy smiled to himself, pressing a kiss against Liam’s ear before going back to just holding him close.

They did eventually have to part and get a bit cleaned up, but Niall refused to have either of them leave for a shower, he just wanted to curl up underneath the blanket with Liam and kiss and talk until they’d fall asleep, forget about everything else in the world because nothing else mattered.

\-----------------------

_Somehow, Liam was aware that he was dreaming, but it also wasn’t one of these dreams where he could have fully controlled where he could have gone. The craziest thing was, he knew he was asleep right next to Niall right now, could even feel him in his arms still._

_But he wasn’t in bed, he was on a beach, somewhere he had never been before, or at least couldn’t remember, and there wasn’t anybody around when Liam turned around, just nature and the water in the other direction. He felt he should’ve probably been freaking out a little being here on his own, in the middle of nowhere, but he knew it was a dream, so he wasn’t._

_Liam went to touch the water, out of curiosity, it looked so much clearer than he had ever seen the ocean before, and it felt really warm considering the fact that it was the end of January. Then again, it was really warm in general, the sun was shining and Liam wiped his hand dry against his shirt, making it slip to the side a bit._

_At first, he didn’t really pay any attention, his eye actually getting caught on what appeared to be a small boat somewhere down the beach, but then it hit him and he took a second look at the skin he had accidentally exposed by moving his shirt._

_The scar where he had cut out his soulmate mark was gone, so where the ones he had put underneath, but Liam wasn’t really interested in those, because he was just staring at his mark that he hadn’t seen in years, had forgotten what it looked like._

_It wasn’t activated, it looked like it had up until the day Liam had put a blade to it, and when he reached out to touch it, he felt a piercing pain through his entire body, the same pain he had felt once before and-_

“Liam, wake up.”

Niall’s voice immediately caused Liam’s eyes to fly open, staring at the ceiling of the cabin with his heart beating as fast as if he had just run a marathon or something, he felt sweaty, could still feel the memory of the pulsating pain in his lower body. 

“Are you okay? It looked like you were having a nightmare.” Niall sounded really worried, but Liam couldn’t concentrate on his words, he just pushed down the blanket, making them both freeze just so he could stare at his hip.

The scar was still there, they all were, nothing at all had changed.

“What are you doing?” The other boy started to sound a bit scared, and Liam needed another second to clear his throat, still reaching out slowly to touch where his soulmate mark had once been while Niall was watching him. Nothing. “Li-“

“I’m okay- sorry, I had a really weird dream.” Liam finally told him, tearing his eyes away from his own body, making sure to tuck them both in again, pulling Niall close. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” He seemed confused, cuddling close against Liam though. “What did you dream?”

“I-“ Liam, started, looking at Niall, not sure whether to continue or not. He didn’t wanna freak Niall out, didn’t wanna tell him about the strangest dream he had ever had the night after they had had sex the first time. But he also didn’t wanna lie to Niall ever. “I was on some beach, in the middle of nowhere, and like- it was weird. I knew I was dreaming. And then I- I touched the water, so I wiped my hand on my shirt and it slipped and… my scar was gone, like. All my scars were gone, and I reached out to touch my mark, because it looked like it always had, not activated, and- it really hurt. And then you woke me.”

“Oh.” Was all Niall made, clearly not having expected this and how could he have? Liam was really confused himself. “That is… kinda strange.”

“Yeah… “ Liam agreed, clearing his throat a bit because he had accidentally made the situation kinda awkward, but at the same time he couldn’t stop thinking about the dream. “There was also a boat.”

“A boat?” Niall asked, as if he hadn’t heard Liam right, and Liam had to admit that he probably sounded insane right now, he just didn’t wanna forget the dream somehow. “What boat?”

“I don’t know, a small one, like a fisher boat or something… I’ve never been on a boat.” Not really correlated, but Liam was just thinking out loud at this point. He felt like he should have somehow seen a meaning behind all of this, but he didn’t, and then he thought maybe he just really wanted there to be a reason because this night had been special. Or still was, because the windows were all dark outside. “I feel… weird.”

“You’re scaring me.” When Niall said it, Liam finally turned his head to look at him, completely snapping out of it when he saw the expression on the other boy’s face. He shouldn’t have said anything.

“I’m sorry, I’m okay. It was just a dream, nothing else. Probably because of what we talked about before… you know. I do sometimes have really weird dreams.” Not ones that made him feel like this though, but there was no need to tell Niall that. “I’m sorry… c’mere.” 

Liam wrapped both his arms around the other boy, pulling him in closer and trying to readjust them a bit, make sure the blanket was pulled up high enough because it wasn’t that warm and they were both still naked. No idea how late it was, but probably still nighttime and they had simply never turned off the lamp on the bedside table. Which also meant…

“Did I wake you?” Now Liam felt even worse, but at the same time he also couldn’t stop thinking about this damn dream while trying his best to pretend it had never even happened.

“Yeah… you were moving a bit and stuff, and you looked like you were in pain, so I decided to wake you… “ Niall explained quietly, his cheek on Liam’s shoulder, one arm wrapped around the other boy’s stomach. 

“I’m s-“

“I didn’t mind, I just felt bad for you. It doesn’t sound like a nice dream.” It hadn’t been, but at the same time, strangely enough, it also hadn’t been a bad dream.

“It was just a dream, it’s all good.” Liam reassured him, not sure if Niall believed him though as he squeezed him, kissing the top of his head. “We should go back to sleep.”

“Can you?” Niall asked, and Liam honestly felt it was a legit question, but he wasn’t going to answer it honestly. 

“I think so… you?” He’d be awake anyways if Niall couldn’t fall asleep, but the other boy agreed, sounding quite tired actually, so Liam was hopeful that his dream wouldn’t leave Niall all sleepy in the morning. “Okay… goodnight. I love you.”

“I love you too, Li… you can wake me if you have another bad dream, okay?” That made Liam’s throat a bit tight as he quietly thanked his boyfriend, squeezing him again before leaning over for a second to finally turn off all the lights, plunging them into darkness.

Needless to say, Liam spent probably another hour over analyzing this dream in his head while holding Niall, eventually falling asleep from exhaustion.

\--------------

“Maybe we shouldn’t have come back outside, the trip to the store was already too much for me.” Niall wasn’t too excited about their walk, even though he had to admit that it was definitely warmer than yesterday, and it had stopped snowing and the sun was actually shining, so it was kinda beautiful outside and especially being in the wood and just out in nature, but still.

“C’mon, we won’t go far, just for a bit. I wanna see this place.” Liam sounded and also looked very excited, so Niall really couldn’t argue, but he did make sure to slow the other boy down a bit by reaching out for his hand to intertwine their fingers. Now he wasn’t too mad anymore that neither of them had thought of bringing gloves. “You still know your way around, yeah? We won’t get lost?”

“I can’t promise anything, I’ve only ever been here during the summer, but I’ll try my best.” Niall promised, making sure to remember the way they had come from, but it wasn’t too hard because of their visible steps in the snow.

They had woken up rather late, and they didn’t have too much time left until the sun would set again, so they’d have to get back before it was dark or they’d get lost for sure. They had been to the only store in town before, having made sure to buy more stuff than they’d need, just in case they’d end up eating it all again in one sitting. Or Niall, more like.

He was still more busy with everything that had happened yesterday, their talk and then after, and ever since they had slept together, Niall felt as if he had fallen even deeper in love with Liam even though he had been certain that that wasn’t even possible. Somehow, the connection they had seemed more visible now, stronger, and Niall had no idea what it was, but of course he was still hopeful that it meant they were soulmates in the end.

Liam’s dream had kinda messed with that wish a little, because it HAD been a weird dream, him dreaming about his soulmate mark, not activated, the very same night they had had sex for the first time. But then again, maybe it had really just been a dream and Niall was reading too much into it, because he could tell that Liam felt their deepened connection as well and if anything, they were even more over each other than usually.

“Are you cold?” Liam asked after a moment, suddenly sounding really concerned, probably thinking that that was why Niall had wanted to go back.

“No, just lazy.” Niall admitted, shrugging when Liam laughed, holding his hand a bit tighter. “But we’ll probably end up getting cabin fever if we sit inside until Monday night anyways. And it’s kinda nice out here, I’ve forgotten that it feels like everyone else has died when you’re out here.”

“It does feels nice. Like, not the thought that everyone else could be dead but the fact that no one’s around for once.” It was true, they had barely seen people walking to the store either, and the only one they had talked to had been the man checking them out, asking them a ton of questions about where they were from. They had made a bit too much small talk with him, being friendly, because it seemed they’d probably be the only people entering this store for the rest of the day. “Is your hometown like this? Or is it bigger?”

“A bit bigger, but not really, I know everyone there. But we’ve got a lot more tourists, so it’s different. The buildings aren’t spread apart so far either.” It was nicer in his hometown, but Niall didn’t say that, because he was probably really biased anyways. He would’ve really liked to take Liam there one day and just shown him about everything there was to see, introduce him to everyone, but… before any of that could have ever happened, there were other things they’d need to do. Tell their families about each other, for example. “I’ll show you one day.”

“I’m looking forward to it.” Liam told him, his face soft when he smiled and Niall almost missed his next step. He was just perfect, to Niall anyways, there was no other word Niall could’ve thought of to describe Liam, as cheesy as it sounded. “All I can offer in return is showing you the pet store I was banned from as a kid.”

“Wait, what?” Now it was Niall’s turn to laugh, and he kinda thought it had been a joke, but Liam sounded serious as he explained, only making Niall laugh more.

“I really wanted a pet, I never got one, but that’s beside the point. So, like, you can’t buy a pet when you’re a child without parental consent of course, and I convinced my oldest sister to pretend she was my legal guardian and- well, anyways, we had to bring the fish back and apologize. It was quite embarrassing, but it was the only rebellious thing I’ve ever done as a child.” Liam let out a quick laugh as well, and Niall just couldn’t even imagine little Liam ever doing something like this.

“Out of all the pets you could’ve gotten, you wanted a _fish?!_” Seriously?

“It was the one pet I thought my mom would let us keep, but she was quite upset anyways. Now looking back I think I would’ve grown bored of the fish really quickly anyways.” He shrugged, and Niall slowly shook his head at him, still amused. “Did you ever have a pet?”

“We always had cats before we moved here. But it was more like, y’know, neighbor’s cats and everyone just fed them and stuff. We did have a few that belonged to us in the beginning and then they’d wander off to someone else.” Niall remembered feeling sad about it as a child, but then again, the cats had never really wanted to hang around him anyways because maybe he hadn’t been the most gentle with them when he had been little. “I always wanted a dog, but they’re not allowed in my uncle’s place, so I can’t get one now.”

“I want a dog as well. We’re gonna get one one day.” Liam said it with so much sincerity that Niall truly believed him, not being able to help but imagine them being together until they’d grow old, moving in together, getting a dog and whatever else kinda pet Liam wanted, and just… living life, by each other’s side. It seemed like a dream. “Do you think we can go up there? Or are you not gonna make it?”

“Hmmm… if we take a few breaks.” Niall really didn’t not wanna walk uphill now when Liam pointed a bit in the distance, but he would do it, just for him. “You owe me a kiss then.”

The other boy just grinned at that, stopping them for a second just to kiss Niall on the lips, warming him in the process so Niall definitely wasn’t mad about it.

It didn’t turn out to be very exhausting, a lot easier than Niall would’ve thought anyways, and it also didn’t even take half as long. It wasn’t that great of a view honestly, because they were so far in the country side that it was mostly just nature anyways, but it was still nice to look at, with everything snowed in. Also, Liam looked very happy and excited and that was really all Niall cared about.

There was a bench that was only half snowed in because it was underneath a few trees, and Niall complained so long about the fact that he couldn’t let Liam sit on the snow and get wet until Liam sat down on the dry side, pulling Niall onto his lap. Well, that was another solution.

“We need to get back until the sun’s fully sat.” Niall made sure to remind Liam while leaning back against him, actually not wanting to get up right now anyways.

“We’ve still got time until it’s dark.” Liam definitely wasn’t in a rush, and Niall had to admit that it was definitely romantic to be sitting here and watching the sunset, even though it wasn’t time for it just yet. 

They stayed quiet for a bit, Liam was actually so comfortable that Niall could’ve closed his eyes and taken half a nap, but he didn’t, because his mind was a little too busy for that and he kinda surprised himself with what he said, a little out of context maybe.

“Do you think we should tell our families?” It was a question he had been asking himself every day since New Year’s Eve, but especially now… he was so sure that he wanted them to work out that he saw no point in keeping it from anybody in their lives anymore. Well, except for obvious reasons, but like… they’d have to tell everyone eventually.

“We definitely should, but I… I’ve not really- I’ve not thought about how to do it, because they don’t know about what I did to my mark.” Right, yeah, that situation was completely different than Niall’s, now he felt a bit dumb for having asked the question in the first place. “And also… I don’t know how they’d react to find out I’m not straight. It’s not that I think they’d get upset or whatever, just… I don’t know.”

“Yeah…. I’ve been thinking the same… “ Especially because they most likely weren’t soulmates, Niall could already see his family trying to talk him out if it, maybe not even because Liam was a guy but because they’d tell him it wouldn’t last, that he’d meet his soulmate one day. And honestly, Niall wasn’t sure if he wanted to have discussions like that, but did he really have a choice in the end? They couldn’t forever hide this, could they? 

“You can tell your family anytime, if that’s why you were asking, just… for me, I don’t think I’m really ready to tell them everything. It’s more about… about my mark really. I’ve been planning on telling them for years, my mother at least, I just never did.” He was talking quietly, holding Niall tightly and the other boy felt really insensitive for not having considered any of that before speaking up. 

“How do you think she’s gonna react?” Probably not good, Niall didn’t know her, had only briefly met her this one time, and he could imagine that she also wouldn’t be happy about Liam dating Niall then, considering Niall’s own soulmate situation. No matter how they twisted it, people would most likely find arguments as to why they shouldn’t be together.

And no, Niall did not plan on letting that influence him in any way at all, and he didn’t think Liam would either, but it still wasn’t a nice thing to imagine. 

“I’ve no idea.” Liam admitted after a moment, sounding very honest. “She’s gonna be hurt that I didn’t tell her much sooner. I just… I couldn’t. I never knew how and then time just passed and it’s like… I don’t know. It’s got nothing at all to do with you though, in case you thought that or anything. I think my family would quite like you.”

“Really?” Niall was genuinely confused, leaning forward a bit so he could turn his head and look at the other boy, just to see whether he was joking or not. “Why?”

“Why wouldn’t they like you?” Now Liam seemed confused as well. “You’d probably just have a hard time winning over my mother’s boyfriend, but I’ve not succeeded at that either. I mean, he’s not really part of the family anyways, so whatever. Louis and Harry like you.”

“Do they?” Honestly, Niall couldn’t even imagine that, because he barely knew them and anyways, he had a hard time actually believing that anybody in Liam’s life would approve of him dating Niall. They probably all thought that he could do a lot better, and it was true anyways.

“Ni, why do you think nobody likes you?” Niall really did not know what to say to that, so he just looked at Liam for a moment, blinking, and then he shrugged.

“I don’t know, I just… I just don’t assume that anybody likes me unless they tell me.” And constantly reminded him of it as well, like Liam did all the time. And he was really the only one that mattered to Niall anyways. “My family would like you too. I’m just not sure what they’d think about us as a couple… not that it would change anything, just… you know.“

Niall shrugged a bit, not wanting Liam to think he cared so much, but the older boy’s face was soft when he leaned in to kiss Niall’s cheek. “I know. We don’t have to tell anybody anytime soon, but you can do it anytime you want.”

“Okay… I don’t think I will. But I’ll let you know beforehand.” Even if Niall had planned on doing it, he would have chickened out a couple hundred times for sure before probably only telling his family on accident or something. “We don’t even know how Louis is gonna react to it either.”

“I’ve not texted him back since yesterday, but I hope you’re prepared to go on double dates.” It kinda sounded like a joke, but somehow, Niall kinda wouldn’t have minded had it not been one.

“We’ve never even been on a date together.” Niall laughed, but it was also kinda the truth. Then again… they had kinda skipped that stage really and Liam had been living with Niall for the past couple weeks. Plus, this trip alone probably counted for 10 dates at once, so Niall really had nothing to complain about.

“Do you wanna go on a date?” Liam took it serious though, and at first, the other boy wanted to laugh it off, but if he was offering now… 

“I mean… I wouldn’t say no.” He moved a bit on Liam’s lap, sitting more sideways so he could wrap his arms around the other boy’s neck. Liam was more beautiful than the sunset anyways.

“Okay, I’ll think of something when we’re back home.” Liam promised, and yeah, Niall could have thought of something as well, but Liam looked like he really wanted to as well, so he wasn’t going to complain. 

When Niall smiled and leaned forward to kiss Liam on the lips, Liam didn’t hesitate to return it, holding Niall a bit closer as they lazily made out, making the most of knowing that not a single soul would walk past and see them. Not that it would have mattered, but Niall liked the thought of it just being the two of them.

They did watch the sunset as well, and Niall had to admit he definitely panicked a bit when it started to get dark rather soon after. He was a bit afraid they wouldn’t find the way back, or that they’d slip because they couldn’t see the way properly, so he was holding onto Liam’s hand as tightly as possible, not really feeling calmer whenever Liam told him that he did actually remember the way back pretty well.

Even if it turned out to be completely correct.

They arrived before it had gotten fully dark, and Niall convinced Liam to somehow squeeze into the tiny shower with him so they could get warmed up. He definitely did not say no to Liam making food afterwards, with Niall basically just watching and distracting him, and by the time they went to bed hours later, Niall thought that he wouldn’t have minded had every day been just like this for the rest of his life.

\--------------------

Liam was definitely sad to get back on the train Monday evening and leave this extended weekend behind, but he was also so grateful that Niall had thought about it at the same time. Of course they could be alone at Niall’s place as well, but not like this, in complete solitude, so they _definitely_ needed to do something like this again soon.

There had been no more weird dreams, and Liam had to admit he had kinda moved on from it after a day. What he couldn’t just blame on his imagination though was the fact that he could very well tell that his feelings towards Niall had shifted, in a positive way, even though he hadn’t thought that that was possible. It felt as if though every worry Liam had ever had had just vanished, and he just _knew_ somehow that they had been meant to meet when they had, that all of this had been meant to play out exactly the way it had. He just didn’t know why, but by the way Niall behaved around him, and had for the past couple days, he could tell the feeling was mutual. He just didn’t know what the future held for them.

“I’ve never gotten so many text messages at once.” Liam had only looked at his phone when they had switched trains onto the one that would take them home, and really just to check the time. He had of course told people that the signal was bad to non-existent at the cabin so no one would think they had died, but reality was, he had forgotten he had even had a phone over the weekend. “Zayn texted me the new work schedule.”

“I already saw it too, we’re working together a total of 3 times all of February.” Niall rolled his eyes at that, but then he shrugged. “I’ll just swap my shifts again.”

“I can do the same.” Liam offered, because it was only Niall who had swapped his shifts with pretty much anyone who had offered the past few weeks, and Liam really wanted to work with him as well, even if it was obviously a distraction for the both of them. Then again, so was NOT working together. “I’m starting to think somebody doesn’t want us working together.”

“It’s just because I don’t have as many hours as you, and because we’ve got so many new people who have no idea what they’re doing. But if they ever found out about us… I think it’d be a valid worry.” The other boy looked a bit concerned over it for a second, and Liam wondered whether he should be, too, but he had never thought about it before. “Then again, they can’t risk both of us quitting at the same time. They can’t keep anybody anyways.”

“I’m not that good of a waiter, I think.” Seriously, Liam was average at best, but he also didn’t have the experience like Niall or Zayn. Plus, he had been VERY distracted lately. 

“You’re great compared to a lot of other people there. And you’re really just too nice to the customers, you-“

“I know, I know, you told me before. I can’t help it.” Liam rolled his eyes and Niall smiled, leaning over to kiss his cheek as he hugged the other boy’s arm, pressing his lips against his shoulder as well.

“I’d love to have a waiter as cute as you, I don’t know what these people’s problems are.” He told Liam, making him smile but also blush as he let out a nervous laughter. 

“You better not find a waiter cute when we go on our first date.” Liam had been thinking about it the past couple days, but he still hadn’t come up with a good idea yet that didn’t involve going out to eat. It wasn’t his fault really, he had zero experience to rely on. 

“I’ll try my best. Luckily for you I don’t find any guys cute except for you.” Niall joked, and yeah, Liam had kinda forgotten about that, and as stupid as it was, it kinda felt nice. “I can plan our second date.”

“You already planned the last four days and I can never live up to that anyways, so I’ll just plan our next ten dates to make it up to you.” Seriously though, now Liam wished they could have gone on trips together every weekend, just to get away from everything and everybody.

“You don’t have to make it up to me, I did it for us and I wanted to be alone with you. We should just plan it all together.” Niall suggested after a second, and Liam kissed the top of his head in agreement, feeling his heart growing a bit warmer. “And then Louis can plan all the double dates.”

“Sounds like a great idea.” Liam had to laugh at the thought, but to be fair, that was probably exactly what would happen anyways. “When do you have to be at uni tomorrow?”

“Hmm, I think at ten. But I’ll go with you, you’ve got an hour earlier, right? I’ll just wait or something.” Their university schedules switched quite a lot because Liam had a lot of blocked classes this semester, so he could never keep up.

“It’s a lecture, you could just come with me.” He suggested and although it would probably be boring as hell for Niall, the other boy agreed immediately, seemingly very happy over it. 

Even after all this time together, it still felt like physical pain to Liam to think about not being with Niall every second of the day. Maybe that feeling had been even more intensified now after that weekend, but Liam wouldn’t have wanted it any other way anyways. 

\----------------------

“Where are you going?” His mother’s voice made Liam flinch a bit because he had thought she was downstairs, but he recovered fairly quickly, still busy brushing his teeth, making sure to spit into the sink before answering.

“Just to hang out with Louis.” It wasn’t a lie, not really. Liam WAS indeed going to go to Louis’ place, but only because Louis had insisted that he and Niall both come so he could get to know Niall better. 

It was a Friday night, so only four days since Niall and Liam had gotten back from their trip, and Liam hadn’t spent a single night at home since. He had been at home of course, like right now, but honestly, it was only the second time he had even seen his mother since then, the other time only having been really brief because he had just gotten some clothes and his mother had been about to leave. 

“Are you gonna come home after?” She asked, and Liam wanted to say no immediately, but then he ended up shrugging. If he had said yes, she would have asked if he’d stay at Louis’ place, and THEN Liam would have had to lie. 

There was enough silence for Liam to finish brushing his teeth, very aware of his mother just standing there watching him and he knew she was about to ask more questions, but he didn’t really know how to prepare himself for any of them. 

“Is your other friend going to be there? What was his name… Niall?” Hearing her say Niall’s name sent chills down Liam’s spine and he sat on the edge of the bathtub, not just wanting to stand around in the middle of the bathroom. It was awkward enough already.

“Yeah. Harry is there too.” Well, he lived there, but whatever. “Why?”

“I was just wondering. He’s a friend from work, right?” She kept asking, and Liam nodded, not really wanting to look at his mother right now. He had time until he had to leave, but suddenly he wished he was in a rush. “So he’s the one you went on this trip with last weekend? And who you’ve basically been living with?”

“We get along really well. And he’s got his own place, so… “ Liam shrugged again, clearing his throat a bit. He didn’t know how else to say this, or explain it, he hadn’t been prepared for this conversation. At least not right now. “It’s his uncle’s apartment, but he’s not renting it out to anybody, so Niall’s staying there while he’s still at uni.”

“And he’s not kicked you out yet? I’m shocked.” She laughed at her own joke and Liam felt himself relax a little, still on high alert though. “Are you paying him rent?”

“No, it’s not like that, I… I don’t know, it just works out, somehow. Niall’s not paying rent either, and it’s not like I moved in or anything, we just get along well.” What else was Liam supposed to say? I’m in love with him? We’re dating? By the way, I cut out my soulmate mark when I was 15? “It wasn’t really planned.”

“Well, it’s nice if you get along, isn’t it? And I don’t wanna interrogate you or anything, you’re obviously old enough to do whatever you want and move out anytime if you feel like it, I’m just a bit surprised, that’s all. And a little bit worried as well, I’m your mother, I have to be.” She was smiling while saying it though, and now Liam felt like shit. 

“You don’t have to be worried, Niall’s… he’s really nice.” An understatement. “I still study for my exams and I don’t skip my classes, promise.”

“Li, you’re 24, you can do whatever you want.” True, but it didn’t stop Liam from feeling guilty now that they were having this conversation and it hit him that he was keeping so many secrets, he wouldn’t have even known where to start explaining things at this point. “But you can always talk to me if anything’s up, okay?”

“Okay… thanks, mom.” He did appreciate it, and just for a moment, Liam thought about it, about at least saying _something_, but then he just bit his lip instead and stayed quiet.

“So, where’d you go last weekend?” She actually sounded very curious, so Liam told her, tried to describe in a way that didn’t make it too suspicious or obvious. He also had no pictures to show her because the only ones he had taken had been of Niall, in… let’s say, in ways that weren’t exactly screaming friendship.

Before he left the house, his mother made sure to tell him that he could also bring Niall over if he wanted to, that she’d be happy to meet him again, because the first and last time had been super brief. Liam told her that maybe, but he wasn’t really planning on it in the near future and he didn’t want to make things awkward, or force Niall into this or anything.

The situation was just not ideal and there was so much to figure out that Liam leaned towards not trying to figure any of it out and just wait what would happen.

Because Niall was coming straight from work, they had agreed that they’d meet up before going to Louis’ and Harry’s place so they could arrive together, and Liam immediately felt the knot in his chest loosening upon spotting his boyfriend walking towards him down the street even though it was already dark outside.

“Hi, babe … “ Liam mumbled as he wrapped Niall up in his arms, holding him so tightly as if they hadn’t woken up together this morning. “How are you?”

“Good, I think. A bit nervous. You?” His face was red from the cold underneath the street light as Liam kissed him, making sure to wrap his arm around him after and hold him close.

“I’m good as well. Don’t be nervous, it’s just Harry and Louis. It’ll be fun.” Or something like that at least. “How was work?”

“Really busy, I think they were about to ask me if I could stay longer right before I left.” He fake shuddered and Liam laughed, squeezing him a bit as they walked towards the bus station. Coming to the train station had definitely been a longer way for Liam than just going to Louis’ and Harry’s place would have been, but he didn’t mind at all obviously. “Do you think it’s gonna be weird? I don’t even really know them, and the last time they’ve seen me was when I was kissing you in Zayn’s hallway while bawling.”

“Pretty sure they can’t even remember that that well anymore. It’ll be fine, I’ll make sure it won’t get weird, okay? I’ve known Louis for ages, we always have something to talk about.” And Liam had made sure to text Louis a list of things he shouldn’t bring up, but there was no need to mention that to the other boy right now. 

“Maybe they’ll hate me.” Niall sounded a bit worried, having hesitated for a moment.

“They already like you.” It was true, they had told Liam, but Niall didn’t really look as if he was going to believe that anyways. “Ni, it’s going to be fine, I promise. I’ll be there the whole time, and you already know them, and they know you, and we won’t stay long anyways. Okay?”

“Okay… you’re coming to mine after, right?” So obviously Liam agreed to that, because where would he have gone?

The bus was delayed as always, but they still got there somewhat on time, and Liam made sure to try and calm Niall down as best as possible while they were walking up to the stairs. It didn’t really look like it had worked though, but it was too late to try and change that.

“Hi, guys. Come in, Louis just went to the bathroom.” It was Harry who opened the door for them, hugging them both and not at all making it awkward, so Liam was very thankful for that. Maybe also a little that Louis was in the bathroom. “We ordered some food if you’re hungry. You’ve come straight from work, right, Niall?”

“Uh, yeah. It was kinda crazy, I didn’t have time to eat anyways.” Wait, so he hadn’t eaten since this morning?! 

“Did they not let you take a break?” Liam asked while they were taking off their shoes, and Niall shrugged, about to answer when Louis came out of the bathroom.

“You’re already here! Hi. What’s up?” He was way too excited, Liam could already tell, still returning the half-hearted hug for a second though before Louis turned to Niall. 

“Not much?” Niall tried, letting out a nervous laugh and Liam would’ve reached out for him had Louis not pulled him into a hug as well. A much tighter and longer one than he had given Liam. Okay.

“I’m really glad you decided to actually come. I feel like we really should all get to know each other better. Liam’s never been in a relationship before, so this is really exciting.” Okay, now he sounded like a proud parent or something, and Liam was torn between being amused and weirded out. “And don’t worry, your secret is safe with me. Or us, I guess.”

“It’s not a secr-“

“Are you hungry? C’mon.” Louis interrupted Niall, pulling him with and all Niall could do was throw a slightly panicked look over his shoulder, to which Liam could only shrug a bit helplessly.

“Sorry, he was super excited. I tried to tell him to tone it down, but this is already him toning it down.” Harry whispered to Liam, and Liam kinda felt like laughing though he just hoped Niall didn’t mind any of this. 

“It’s fine. I hope. I think Niall prefers this over having it be awkward and no one talking.” At least judging from what he had told Liam before.

They had gotten way too much food, and Liam wasn’t even hungry, just worried watching Niall eat just about everything. Seriously, if they weren’t even allowed to take breaks anymore at work then what was this place turning into? Wasn’t that kinda… illegal?

“Where did you actually go last weekend? I thought Liam had died a couple times.” Louis switched the topic from random chatter after a while, and Liam took it upon himself to explain because Niall’s mouth looked very full at the moment. 

“Niall used to go on trips with his family to this cabin in the countrys-“

“Wait, you were all alone in a cabin? In the countryside? That’s so romantic. I never would’ve thought you had it in you, Liam.” Okay, seriously?

“It was my idea.” Niall threw in, laughing when Liam threw a fake glare at him, but reaching out to put a hand on his thigh right after. “But Liam’s really romantic.”

“Like, how?” Louis asked, looking genuinely curious, but Niall shrugged, smirking.

“That’s private.” He told the other boy, and when Louis started laughing, Liam felt himself relax a bit. They’d definitely get along, so that was a good thing. 

“Pretty sure I wouldn’t even wanna know anyways.” Probably. “But you grew up in the countryside as well, right? But in Ireland?”

That was definitely a topic Niall had a lot to say about, so it was anything besides awkward, and Liam was honestly just content listening to them talk, occasionally throwing something in or touching Niall randomly just because he could. Okay, had he known that everything would turn out this way then he would have definitely told Louis about them much sooner.

A few hours passed, and everything was fine and they got along well, it was just when Niall went to the bathroom for a few minutes, in a good mood upon leaving, Liam immediately noticed the shift he had gone through when he came back, suddenly looking beaten down.

He was pretty sure the other two had no idea, so he didn’t wanna ask in front of them, just tried to wordlessly ask Niall what was up, but the other boy simply shook his head a bit, clearly trying to get Liam to let it go. He definitely checked his phone a few times as the night continued, but he might have as well been looking at the time, there was no way of knowing for Liam, so he simply tried to comfort Niall by holding his hand a couple times, wrapping an arm around him and pulling him close. Anything so he’d know Liam was there for him, whatever it was.

So when they left, way later than planned, Liam wasn’t quite sure anymore whether the night had been a success or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone :D
> 
> this is a bit of an early update because i need to study for my exam tomorrow (please spare a prayer, its advanced statistics and i still dont know how i passed the basics rip)! i hope you enjoyed the chapter <3 there are definitely some hints as to how the story might end, but i kept them as vague as possible ;) i hope youre excited to find out though!!
> 
> thank you all so much for sticking around & all the support, i love you guys! hope you have a great week <3


	11. Chapter 11

“Are you okay?“ Liam didn’t know how else to address the situation, he also didn’t think he could wait until they were at Niall’s place, so he just blurted out with it the moment they were walking down the street to the bus station. Louis would have driven them, but it was late and they wouldn’t need that long anyways.

“Yeah, it was actually quite fun, I expected a lot worse.” Niall didn’t at all seem to know what Liam was talking about, he actually looked somewhat happy when he reached out for Liam’s hand, intertwining their fingers, his free hand curled around Liam’s elbow. It made him nervous to walk around in the middle of the night, so Liam squeezed his hand, glad to have him close. “I think Louis is really funny.”

“He is.” Liam agreed after a second, not sure if he should have just let the topic drop, let Niall come to him and not force it, but then again… he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to actually do that. “They really like you, I told you.”

“They still barely even know me, they-“

“Ni, it’s the truth, okay? And why wouldn’t they? You got along great.” A lot better than Liam had been hoping, so he would have been more than just relieved had there not been Niall’s sudden shift in mood. He had definitely made sure to overplay it after a while, and when they had left just a couple minutes ago, he had been completely back to normal, so maybe it was nothing? “Now we will really have to go on double dates, I was really just joking whenever I said it.”

“I wouldn’t mind.” Niall shrugged, actually sounding quite sincere, pressing himself closer into Liam when they passed a stranger on the sidewalk. “Maybe we should’ve said yes to Louis driving us after all… “

“I’ll protect you, no worries.” Liam promised, smirking when Niall threw a look at him as if he didn’t think he’d be capable of it. “What? You don’t think I could?”

“I wouldn’t want you to get hurt trying to protect me.” The other boy sounded a lot more serious than Liam had been. 

“What kinda people do you think we’ll run into?” Well, it was definitely a legit worry, however, they were both guys and the streets were kinda dead empty because it mostly an area where families lived, so Liam wasn’t too worried. Plus, they were almost at the bus station.

“You never know.” Niall shrugged, holding Liam’s hand even tighter now and almost hurting him a bit, but the older boy didn’t say anything, just leaned over to briefly kiss the side of Niall’s head.

Liam didn’t end up saying anything on the way home, mostly because there were sketchy looking people on the bus and it seemed Niall was a lot more busy staring at them in panic, and then they were already in his apartment and Liam hadn’t really thought of a way to talk about what had happened. At least in his imagination, because he suddenly wasn’t sure anymore. 

“Can I ask you something?” Liam couldn’t for the life of him go to bed now without at least trying, so he basically forced himself to speak up after they had gotten ready to lie down and Niall nodded, slowly putting his phone away.

It was hard, to be looking at him, watching him crawl over to come cuddle with Liam with a smile on his face, clearly not expecting the question in any way. Maybe it really had been nothing.

“Before, when we were still at Louis’ and Harry’s… “ Liam started, absently playing with Niall’s hair as the boy had cuddled into him, stroking his cheek and thumbing at his ear. “When you went to the bathroom, you came back and you looked like- like something had happened. It’s okay if you don’t wanna talk about it, I just… I was worried.”

“It was nothing.” Niall answered after some hesitation, and Liam couldn’t see his face right now so it was kinda hard to tell whether it was the truth. 

“Okay… “ Was all Liam could say to that because… really, what else would he have said? Now he was even more worried, because it was obvious that Niall did NOT wanna talk about it but that there had in fact been something that had made him feel not so great. “Do you wanna… talk about it?”

There was no immediate answer, Niall just moved a bit, but only more towards Liam, pressing his face against the other boy’s neck. “I don’t know… “

“Maybe it would help.” Liam kept trying, hopefully without being too pushy about it as he held his boyfriend tight, feeling a little helpless and nervous.

Again, Niall just stayed quiet for a bit longer, and then he let out a sigh, pressing his lips against Liam’s skin before he spoke. “It’s just- my mom texted me. Because of last weekend, and she talked to that woman who rented us the cabin and, like… apparently… apparently she asked my mom if we’re together. Maybe she saw us holding hands or something, I don’t know… I don’t think my mom really thinks it’s true but she asked who you actually are and stuff and… and I don’t know what to say.”

“Oh.” Was it bad that Liam was a little bit relieved about that? Because it didn’t sound TOO bad, but then again… he would have been quite terrified had this been his own mother asking questions. To be fair, she already had just earlier today and Liam had been freaking out on the inside. “Do you… do you wanna tell her the truth?”

“I’m not sure… I do wanna tell her, it’s just- I’m scared how she’s gonna react. But if I lie it’ll be even worse when I do actually tell her at some point.” Liam knew that situation all too well, he was in the exact same boat with his soulmate mark. Well, he hadn’t explicitly lied about it, but still. 

“You should only tell her when you think you’re ready, not because you think you have to.” A lot easier said than done, Liam was aware of that, but he had no idea what else to say. 

There was even more silence, and when Niall continued, his voice had gotten really quiet and he had moved his hand underneath Liam’s shirt, letting it rest against his bare skin. “I’m afraid everyone will try to talk me out of it… and before that, they’ll just be shocked that I’m with another guy. Not that I’d let them talk me into anything, but I just wish… I just wish that no one would say their thoughts on it and just be happy for us. But I know they won’t, not everyone at least. And I wish I didn’t care about that, but I do.”

“It’s normal to care about what your family thinks of you, Ni. I care about that as well.” What else was there to say, really? Liam couldn’t make any promises that Niall’s family would understand or that it would all be fine, he had never even met them. 

“I know, it’s just- I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. And I’ve got to answer my mom tomorrow the latest or she’s gonna call.” Now he sounded even more distressed and Liam held him tighter, afraid that he would start crying at any second because it felt like it. “Maybe I should just tell her, right now and-“

“Don’t, if you’re gonna text her now she won’t respond until tomorrow. You’re gonna stress yourself out for nothing.” Liam quickly stopped Niall from finishing that sentence, suddenly feeling his own heart speeding up as well. He was terrified of the outcome of all of this, not as much about how Niall’s family would react, but much more his own. And not even because of Niall. “Look, I… there’s nothing I can really say to make it better, I know that, but I am in the same situation and all I can promise you is that no matter what happens, I won’t let it affect us. Okay? And I’m always here for you, no matter what. We’re in this together, and not everyone has to like it or even accept it, it’s enough that you and I know that this is right. We can figure it out, Ni, I know we can. I think it’s going to be fine, I’ve got a feeling.”

“Do you really?” Niall whispered, and Liam wanted to say no, but then he said yes, kissing the top of Niall’s head. “I think I might be alright… as long as I got you.”

“You always got me.” Liam promised quietly, closing his eyes as he held the other boy in his arms, trying not to let his fear overwhelm him. 

He didn’t know if this would have a good ending or not, all he could do was hope, and try to distract Niall enough so that he could actually get some sleep. Liam could make all the promises he wanted about nothing changing between them, but he had no idea what would actually happen and that was more nerve wrecking than anything in the world.

\------------------------

Niall had lied to his mother, and I didn’t feel good at all. He had told her who Liam was, a good friend from work, and that he had no idea what the woman who had rented them the cabin was talking about. That maybe she had just found it strange that just the two of them had been renting it. So Niall had made up lies, about how much of an outdoor freak Liam was, how they had needed some time away from electronics and people to really focus on their exams, all that shit.

And because Niall had said way more than necessary, his mother had ended up not caring at all in the end, not even having bothered with any more questions. And now Niall felt really terrible, and no matter what Liam said, it didn’t make him feel any better over the weekend.

He had tried to hide it mostly, but Liam was way too good at reading him, so needless to say, it wasn’t the best weekend, not the worst either because being with Liam was never bad, but still. Niall wasn’t in the greatest mood, it was kinda eating him alive, so on Monday, while he was sitting in a class not being able to think of anything else, he just did the only thing he could think of.

And that was texting his mother to ask if she had time to meet up with him today, that he wanted to just catch up with her, about life and whatnot. Before he could have changed his mind again, she had already agreed, probably mostly because they barely ever saw each other now, but Niall pushed that thought aside.

It was kinda perfect too, because Liam would be at work until late, so he’d never have to know in case it went really, really bad. At least that’s what Niall was hoping for, even though he knew he’d never be able to keep secrets from Liam anyways.

Niall’s mother was a primary school teacher, hence his own interest in becoming a teacher, although it was probably mostly because he had just taken the first thing he had thought of after graduating high school. He was definitely skipping his last class to meet her for lunch because she usually got off of work earlier than a lot of people, but it was worth it anyways. And he wouldn’t have been able to concentrate in class anyways.

Niall had never been this nervous in his entire life, pretty sure, not for any job interview, not for any presentation at uni or any exam. It was like, he felt like one wrong movement and he’d empty his entire stomach all over himself. So, great.

“Hi, mom.” She had already arrived before him, probably because Niall had missed the bus on purpose because he had been so nervous, and just seeing her right now made him feel dizzy. “Sorry I’m late, the professor wouldn’t stop talking.”

“No worries. How are you doing?” She was smiling as Niall kissed her on the cheek before sitting down opposite her, almost having to laugh because she had ordered him beer. He’d definitely need it now.

“I’m good. How are you? Did the kids behave?” Niall tried it with some small talk, because asking about her work usually got her going for hours, and today was no exception. Except today, Niall also really did not mind, and he was sure he had never before been this interested in it either.

They had a really long catch up, actually, halfway through their food, which made Niall realize how long they really hadn’t talked at all. Not REALLY, at least. Great, now he felt worse for multiple reasons, he was a terrible son as well as a liar. How much worse could it have gotten?

“- so do you have a lot to do for uni tonight?” His mother asked at some point, casually, but it made Niall freeze, and he ALMOST used it as an easy way out, almost didn’t even do what all this had been for. 

“Umm… “ Niall made, pretending as if he had to think about it, taking another bite although he already felt ready to burst. Fuck, he just needed to be brave, for once in his damn life. Well… apart from the day he had snogged Liam at a stranger’s party, but that wasn’t important right now. “Not too much… Liam’s coming over later to hang out.”

“Oh, who is Li- oh, right. Your friend from work.” She said it kinda weirdly while Niall was just nodding into his plate, blushing furiously, his heart beating so fast he couldn’t even concentrate on the noise in the restaurant anymore. He had already screwed up before saying anything. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Niall answered way too fast, letting out the _stupidest, fakest_ laugh the world had ever heard as he leaned back in his chair, almost having to force himself to look at his mother. “… why?”

“You’re all flustered.” His mother pointed out, the expression on her face unreadable for Niall, and he honestly was about to start bawling, right now and right here in public in front of his mother without even having said anything at all. “Niall?”

“Mhm?” Niall made, afraid his voice would break away as he started playing with his napkin, pulling it to shreds as he struggled to keep in those tears. Pretty sure his mother knew he was about to have a fucking mental breakdown.

“What’s going on?” She didn’t sound angry, or upset, or even too curious, just a bit worried, which was quite understandable.

It wasn’t easy to answer her, because Niall’s throat had closed up, and he knew the moment he’d open his mouth he’d start crying, he just _knew_, and it was stupid that he would now be sitting here in a restaurant sobbing over telling his mother that he was dating a boy, who was not his soulmate. But did he really have a choice now?

“Mom… “ Niall started, having to take a really shaky breath. He genuinely felt close to having an anxiety attack, this wasn’t normal. “I… I-I don’t know- L-Liam, is… h-he… umm… l-like… h-he’s m- h-him a-and I-I… we… uuh… we’re- like… I l-lied, a-and, uh, we’re- y-you know.”

“What do I know? Why are you crying?” Good question.

“I-I don’t know.” Niall’s voice was super shaky, he could barely even bring out another word, he was just stumbling over all of them, nothing of what he was saying making ANY sense, and so he had to actually look his mother straight in the eyes when he said it, to make her understand. “We’re to- d-dating. Me a-and… him. Liam.”

There was silence, too much of it, and too long, and Niall’s mother was just looking at him, clearly surprised, not knowing what to say, but somehow, and even though her reaction wasn’t exactly good, Niall felt so relieved all of a sudden that he wanted to laugh. He was still crying, but kinda silently, kinda because he was too lazy to wipe his tears. He had really just fucking said it, right to her face.

“Are you… are you mad at me?” Niall finally dared to ask, his voice having somewhat stabilized, at least if he was talking quietly, and was looking down at the same time. 

“I don’t understand.” His mother finally told him, after having sent away the waitress probably having taking their silence as a sign that they were ready to leave. “He’s your soulmate?”

For a second there, Niall almost said yes, to make it easier, avoid questions, but he didn’t wanna lie anymore. “He- no. He’s not.”

“Then I don’t understand.” She repeated, still not sounding angry, but more than just confused. 

“I just- I like him. And he likes me, we-“

“I know what it means to be dating, Niall.” Right, fuck. “But- he’s a guy.”

“Umm… yes.” Niall nodded a bit, his hands shaking every so slightly, but he was good at covering it up, and at least he had stopped crying, the fear slowly creeping back after that short moment of relief. “Why- why does it matter?”

“I never knew you liked guys.” Right, well, the thing was…

“I don’t.” Niall answered automatically, which only made him sound really fucking dumb. “Or maybe I do, I don’t know, but- I like Liam. I really do and- it surprised me as well. It’s like… I don’t know. I’m not sure if- if I ever liked anybody, like, guy or girl, I- I never liked anybody like this. It’s… I can’t explain it.”

“But you’re not soulmates?” His mother repeated, and well, here was where it got tricky, because… Niall could only really speak for himself on this, could he? 

“No, he-“

“But your mark is activated. Your soulmate is somewhere out there, Niall, and what if-“

“I know.” Niall interrupted, rubbing his hands over his face out of frustration. This was no going how he had hoped it would. “I know all of that. Okay?”

“And his mark is not activated?” She kept asking while Niall’s heart started to feel quite heavy as he swallowed, shaking his head. Not a lie. “Niall, I really understand that you may feel lonely, and I know that your soulmate situation has taken quite a toll on you, but I… I have to be honest. And I don’t know if this is a good idea, I’m not try- let me finish, please.”

She interrupted herself as Niall had opened his mouth, feeling ready to burst into tears again.

”I’m not trying to talk you out of it, it’s your life, I’m surprised he’s a guy, but that’s none of my business anyways. All I’m saying is that being with anybody who isn’t your soulmate, whatever their gender, it’s- it’s not going to end well. Your mark is activated, Niall, your soulmate is somewhere out there, and Liam might run into his as well, it’s only a question of time. And I understand that you don’t wanna hear any of this right now, and that you like him and that it feels so special because you’ve never been with anybody before, but… it’s not going to last. And I’m afraid what it’s going to do to you if he’s the one who finds his soulmate first and leaves you behind, you-“

“He can’t. He broke the bond. He cut it out, he-“

“He did _what?!_” Shit.

“I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t h-“

“Did he do it for you?!” Niall’s mother was clearly about to freak out while Niall just started crying again, feeling so guilty for going about blabbering about Liam’s deepest secret.

“No, he did it before we even met, we- it was years a-ago and… fuck. Sorry. Mom, I… I don’t know w-what to d-do.” Niall admitted, his vision having gone blurry from the tears building up in his eyes and Niall wasn’t sure he had ever been more of a mess. 

“Tell me what happened.” She urged him, clearly trying to keep her voice soft when Niall could tell she was about to start yelling.

So he told her, taking way longer than when he had told Zayn because he wasn’t in the right state of mind. Plus he left out a lot of details, them repeatedly hooking up and all that stuff, but at least Niall was confident he was getting his own feelings right. Well, and then… then he kinda came to a part he couldn’t leave out for his story to make full sense. For his mother to understand how he truly felt. 

And he had already told her so much the past couple minutes without her saying a word that this one thing really didn’t matter anymore either. It still wasn’t pleasant to say, at all.

“When we… when we were away last weekend… “ Niall started, clearing his throat and wiping at the remainders of his tears, staring at his hands. There was no way he was going to look at his own mother while saying this. “We, um, we… we had- we slept together, uh… and Liam, he had a really weird dream that night, about- about his soulmate mark, like, what it looked like before he cut it out, and- and it wasn’t activated. And he said something about a beach and a boat, but that’s- not that relevant. But ever since then, I feel a lot closer to him, like… I felt it before, but now it’s- it’s completely different, in a good way. It’s like… I _know_ this was supposed to happen, I know it, and he feels it too. But I… I don’t know what to make of it. I know we’re not soulmates, but when we’re together- I don’t miss my soulmate anymore.”

So this was where Niall ended the story, his mouth feeling kinda dry from all the talking now, but at least it was all out in the open now, no more secrets. 

When there was no answer, Niall just kept rambling on about his own theories, not being able to stand the silence. “Zayn said that- that maybe me and Liam ran into each other the day my mark was activated and we didn’t notice because he had already broken the bond months before that. That’s- a possibility, I think and- maybe my soulmate died, maybe-“

“Your mark doesn’t activate when your soulmate dies, Niall. It fades. I told you that a lot of times.” She had, but Niall had never believed her, because she could be wrong.

“It’s different for everybody. I spent years reading up on this, I-“

“Niall, I know you felt terrible for a long time.” She interrupted again, but with a firmer voice this time, making Niall close his mouth. “I’m happy if Liam makes you feel better, and that you like each other, and it doesn’t matter to me if he’s a guy or not, it’s not about that. But if this ends, I’m afraid you’re gonna feel even worse than before.”

“Why would it e-“

“You don’t know what’s going to happen, you’re not soulmates. This is why so many people choose to not be with anybody until they meet theirs, it saves a lot of heartbreak. And you’ve already had one when your mark was activated, I don’t want you to go through something like this again. Even if Liam broke his bond correctly, if he really did what I feel is kinda impossible to do by yourself then… if you don’t have the same bond soulmates have, there’s no guarantee what’s going to happen. Of course, the other way around for him wouldn’t be pleasant either, you meeting your soulmate… it’s not unlikely, Niall. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time back then.” 

“But- when I’m with Liam I feel-“

“You’ve never been in love before him, have you?” When she asked like that, it made Niall swallow hard, because no, he hadn’t been. He had nothing to compare his feelings for Liam to. “You’ve both had some bad experiences in the past I would assume because of Liam cutting out his mark, you’ve both probably been wishing to find somebody. And I’m not at all saying that this has anything to do with it, but- Niall, do you not think it’s possible that you feel this way about Liam simply because you just like him? And that maybe there is nothing else to it? That maybe it’s just that? Love?”

“I… “ What was Niall supposed to do this, there was nothing. His brain felt completely empty as he stared at his mother, feeling quite terrible in all honesty. “But- what about his dream? What about-“

“It was a dream, Niall. And you told me you were discussing the possibility of you being soulmates that night anyways, and then you- had sex, for the first time. I don’t think it’s weird for either of you to have some strange dreams. Especially about soulmate marks.” She was right, why was she right?! “I’m not angry at you for lying, I understand why you did it. And I’m not telling you to break up with him, or telling you to do anything at all. I’m happy if you’re happy, Niall, you’re my son, I just want what what’s best for you. I’d love to meet him as well.”

“Why are you saying that now? After everything else you said?” Niall was having a headache, he didn’t know anymore what to think or what to say and it was all too much. He didn’t think that even having Liam here right now would have made him feel better. Which was a first.

“Just because I don’t think it’s a good idea doesn’t mean I’m not happy for you, and that I wouldn’t wanna meet your boyfriend.” Her saying that word kinda triggered something inside Niall, he didn’t know what exactly, he just knew it made his chest heavier.

“… why do you think he maybe didn’t break the bond correctly?” Niall just couldn’t let it go, he couldn’t even be glad about his mother seemingly being happy for him because he wasn’t done talking about this, he just… he couldn’t let it go like this. He couldn’t, he needed to change her mind, as stupid as that sounded, but- he had to. “I’ve seen the scar, I touched it, the mark is gone.”

Even more silence, his mother was clearly done talking about it, but she sighed as she continued. She looked hurt, as if she was hurt for Niall that she was the one who had to give him a reality check and crush his dreams. “The mark is not everything there is to it, Ni. It’s more than that, you can’t technically break a bond, you just make it a whole lot harder to find the person you’re meant to be with, because you’ve got no guidance left. So it is technically like breaking the bond, because it’s just a game of luck if you happen to talk to the right people after that.” 

“But then that means that maybe we could have actually bumped into each o-“

“No. _You_ would’ve felt it, you would’ve felt _something_. Also… if he was your soulmate, your mark would have faded the moment he cut out his. It should have never activated to begin with, it can’t. I know you’re gonna say that it’s different for everybody and that’s true but- in this case, it’s not. There are probably people on the internet writing all kinda stuff, and I know you’ve probably read all of that, but that’s how it works, Niall. I’m sorry.” She looked sorry when Niall just stared at her, even more so than before, but it didn’t help, it didn’t make him feel better in the slightest way.

Because not only had she crushed every hope he had had, she had made it even worse. Had basically told him Liam might as well still meet his soulmate, even if it was unlikely. Or maybe he hadn’t cut out the mark correctly anyways. Either way, they were doomed, that was the core message. It was only a matter of time.

And what if they really were just deeply in love with each other? What if this was the honeymoon phase everybody was talking about in books and movies and wherever else? And it was just deepened because they had both been desperate? Because Liam was the first person to ever love Niall like this? 

Did that mean… did that mean he could fall out of love with him? If time passed and routine settled in their lives?

“I think I’m gonna go home.” Niall just said it, because he really wanted to right now, he couldn’t sit here any longer. Not even for another minute.

“Niall-“

“I’m sorry, I- I have to go.” Niall had already gotten up, having forgotten about the food and that he should have probably said thank you that she had invited him, but he just couldn’t think straight anymore.

“Let me drive you.” His mother was already waving over the waitress, but fuck, being in a car with her was the last thing Niall wanted or needed.

“No, I- I’m gonna go. I need to walk or- I don’t know. I wanna be alone.” He had already put on his jacket and grabbed his bag, about to just walk away, but his mother stopped him with a hand on his arm, and Niall almost pulled away, but then he didn’t. “I’m sorry I lied, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I’m sorry I-“

“You don’t have to apologize.” She cut him off before hugging him, so tightly that Niall couldn’t breathe for a second. “I am happy for you, I still wanna meet him. But _I_ am sorry I had to be the one to tell you all of that.”

“Someone had to… “ Niall mumbled, squeezing her back for a moment before letting go. “Thank you for the food.”

“Text me when you’re home.” Niall just nodded, not intending to do it as he walked out of the restaurant, already with tears streaming down his face.

He was a wreck, and he didn’t know how to get out of this one. It wasn’t like he couldn’t have come up with all of this himself, it was more like… he hadn’t wanted to, his mind hadn’t wanted to _really_ explore all the things that could go wrong. So he had been clinging onto strings of hope, no matter how unlikely, no matter how irrational, just to somehow keep alive that stupid idea of a happy ending everybody else seemed to get except for them.

\---------------------

Though Liam was really tired when he finally left work, he made sure to stop at one of those 24-hour places to get Niall those cookies he liked because he had been trying to think of something to make him feel better all day, but had failed to come up with something good. So hopefully Niall hadn’t just been at home all day feeling bad, it had made Liam worry his entire shift long to just imagine it.

Liam didn’t have a key of course, so he had to wait downstairs for Niall to let him into the building, taking two steps at once as he walked up the younger boy’s front door, so excited to see him that even just those few seconds felt like torture. It was always harder right after the weekend, when they had been together 24/7.

Niall had left the door unlocked, so Liam basically just walked right in, while already calling out for his boyfriend. “Ni, I’m-“

He had no time to finish that, or do anything at all, because Niall had already thrown his arms around Liam’s neck, crowding him against the closed door as he kissed him, so desperately that Liam hadn’t even had any time to catch his breath.

He returned the kiss of course, smiling against Niall’s lips as he held him tight by his hips, keeping him close while Niall’s body curled into his as he licked into Liam’s mouth, full on snogging him after not even 5 seconds of Liam having arrived. Good.

Liam was the one who had to break the kiss because he was running out of air, laughing breathlessly when Niall continued to kiss his cheek and down his neck, not willing to step away from him or let go. 

“I really missed you.” Niall told him, breathing against Liam’s skin and sending goosebumps down his spine.

“I really missed you too, babe.” Liam turned his head a bit to catch Niall’s lips with his once more, lingering a bit longer than planned. “How was your day?”

“Alright.” it sounded as if he was telling the truth, and he was smiling when he leaned his head back a bit so they could look at each other, his lips swollen and his skin flushed. “How was yours? I made food if you’re hungry.”

“I’m really hungry, thank you.” It wasn’t even a lie, but Liam would have said it anyways. “I got dessert.”

Niall was confused for a moment, only slowly letting go of Liam, enough so he could reach into his bag and show him what he had gotten. Seeing Niall’s face light up as he saw the cookies honestly made any kinda stress or worries Liam had had throughout the day just disappear in thin air. 

“Oh my god, thanks! I think I’m in love with you.” Niall joked, immediately back at kissing Liam again and Liam laughed into his mouth, quickly grabbed a hold of his waist against so they wouldn’t fall because of how enthusiastic the other boy was. 

“You _think?_” Liam asked playfully, but he never got an answer because Niall wasn’t done kissing him yet so they just ended up almost falling over while having trouble kissing because of how much they were laughing.

It looked like Niall had made way too much food, he did sit down with Liam to eat a bit as well but admitted that he had been eating too much already while cooking. And at some point, he ended up eating the cookies Liam had brought instead, nonstop talking about his uni classes and his homework and whatever else came to his mind, and Liam was just happy listening to him. He couldn’t have thought of a better way to spend the night. 

“Oh, also.” Niall said it randomly, as if it didn’t matter, so it really wasn’t Liam’s fault that he didn’t immediately react. “I met up with my mom today, and I told her about you. And she said she’d be happy to meet you. Are you still hungry?”

“Wait- what?!” Had Liam just heard this right?! Why was Niall only mentioning it NOW, and so casually?! “You told her- about us? Everything? I mean- what did she say?! Ni, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t even really think about it, I was really nervous. And she did ask a lot of questions, but- she’s happy for me. And she wasn’t angry that I lied.” He was smiling now, and though Liam was still more than confused and surprised, he reached out to cover Niall’s hand with his own, relieved that it had gone well, maybe a little glad that he hadn’t known about it. He would have been stressing out way more than he already had anyways.

“That’s amazing, Nialler. I’m so happy you decided to tell her and that she took it well.” Seriously, Liam had been _terrified_ about how this would go, or if Niall would ever do it, so thank god he had. “C’mere.”

Liam leaned over to kiss him, moving his hand to the back of Niall’s neck to hold him closer, smiling against his lips.

“Li… “ Niall mumbled after a moment, having turned his hand just slightly.

“Hm?” Liam made as he brushed their noses together, thinking that nothing could have ruined his mood right now.

“I… “ The other boy started before leaning his head back a bit, putting his hand on Liam’s arm. “When I told her, I- I kinda told her about your mark. It slipped out, I’m sorry, she was asking questions and- and then I just said it. I’m sorry, it’s not my place to tell anybody about it.”

“It’s okay, babe, don’t worry, okay? I don’t care who knows.” As long as it wasn’t his own mother or family. “What’d she said about, you know, the whole situation?”

“Well… “ Niall cleared his throat a bit, but he just shrugged, staring at Liam’s lips as he talked. “I think she’s a bit worried, but she wasn’t trying to talk me out of it or anything.”

“That’s good… “ Or was it? Liam couldn’t really read Niall’s face all too well and then Niall was already nodding and leaning in to kiss him again, kinda cutting the conversation off a little bit.

Liam didn’t really wanna go back to asking about it when Niall got up after to get him more food even though he was kinda full, but Niall had made it just for him, so Liam wasn’t going to say no of course. It kinda made him think though, meeting Niall’s mom, her knowing everything while Liam was still lying to his own family. That definitely added some sort of pressure, but then again, it was a different situation and in the end, Liam was just happy for Niall. 

They did the washing up together and Niall was basically glued to Liam’s side the entire time, so they took way longer than they normally would have getting ready for bed. Liam was kinda tired, or he would have definitely been up to do something, but it seemed Niall didn’t mind it when he told him, just kept kissing him for a bit longer, making Liam even more tired with those even strokes of his fingers through his hair. 

“We should sleep.” Niall whispered at some point, and Liam definitely wanted to agree, but he just had to yawn instead. 

“Are you even tired?” It didn’t look like it, but Niall told him that he was right before kissing him again, cuddling up against Liam underneath the blanket in their usual position. “I love you… “

“I love you too, Li… “ His lips were still pressed against Liam’s skin when he said it, barely audible, but Liam still felt his stomach growing warmer as he let his eyes fall closed. 

Liam did fall asleep immediately, he felt pretty comfortable and overall really good, so it wasn’t hard. He woke up during the night though, not really sure for what reason, but he couldn’t feel Niall against him, so he had to search for him for a bit in the darkness, still half asleep.

“Ni… “ He mumbled, probably not really saying anything though as he moved closer to his boyfriend, who did wrap his arm around him immediately as Liam put his head on his chest, a little bit blinded by Niall’s phone screen before he put it away. “What’re you doin’… ?”

“I was just watching something on my phone, sorry if I woke you … go back to sleep.” Niall whispered, hugging Liam close as he pressed his lips against the top of his head. “Love you.”

“Love you… “ Liam whispered back, already half asleep again, so he didn’t spend a second thought on anything at all other than the fact that he was tired and needed rest.

\------------------------

_Liam was back on that beach, as if his dream was just picking up right where it had left off._

_This time, he wasn’t stupid enough to touch his mark again, he just stared at it, unharmed, his skin as smooth as it hadn’t been in years. It wasn’t activated, it just looked plain, nothing to it, no specific shape, nothing. Just like in Liam’s memory, only a bit clearer, because he had kinda forgotten what it looked like as time had passed._

_Not that it mattered._

_He felt like there was something else he had been looking for, but he couldn’t remember, so he was only staring at the ocean, and then down the beach, not a single soul in sight, not even a tree or a hill. Nothing. _

_It was stupid, because it was a dream, but it didn’t really feel like one anymore when Liam started walking down the beach, feeling frustrated somehow until he looked up again, blinking against the sunlight. _

_The boat. He had been looking for that damn boat._

_It was right there, even smaller than Liam had remembered it, but this time he walked faster towards it, actually wanting to reach it before waking up. So when he did, it was safe to say he felt even more confused. Because it wasn’t a real boat, or a fisher boat, it was just a toy, barely bigger than Liam’s palm when he picked it up, seemingly having gotten smaller as he had approached it._

_It was broken, there was a hole in the bottom when Liam held it upside down, inspecting it until a voice behind him immediately caused him to drop it in the sand. _

_“Liam! What are you doing?!”_

_“… Mom?” Liam had turned around, having to shield his eyes from the sunlight, but he could still barely see her silhouette. _

_“Why didn’t you tell me? I was so worried!”_

_“Tell you what?” Liam asked back, and he could tell she was about to say something, maybe an answer to his question, but he never got to hear it._

Liam woke suddenly, with his heart racing, feeling boiling hot in Niall’s bed underneath all the covers. It took a few seconds of him rubbing his eyes until he was ready to blink open his eyes, realize that he was all alone in bed.

“Niall?” Liam tried, but there was no answer, so he tried it again, louder this time, but still nothing. It was too quiet in here, just some noises from the cars down on the street, and Liam felt himself panic a bit, about to go on a search for his boyfriend, but he stopped when he was about to grab his phone.

Niall had left him a note on the bedside table, as well as his keys as it seemed.

_I didn’t wanna wake you because I know your alarm only goes off way later & that you’re tired. I’ve got uni until 4. We could go on that date later :) _

_have a good day, I love you <3   
(I left you the spare key so you can come and go)_

Immediately, Liam felt his panic easing, and he found himself smiling over the note for a moment. At the same time, the dream was still too prominent in his mind, and since when did Niall just leave for uni without waking Liam but also just leaving him alone in his apartment? Then again, he had suggested they go on that date later, and from his words alone, Liam wouldn’t have found anything weird or wrong with it.

It's just… it felt that there was _something_ off. 

But then again, there was definitely also something off with Liam’s dreams, so he couldn’t really focus on all of it at once. Especially not because he was busy feeling guilty over being relieved that Niall hadn’t been here to witness him waking up as freaked out as last time.

\------------------

“I’m freaking out. I think I’m losing it, I-“

“I can tell.” Zayn interrupted, but it only got Niall more nervous, his leg bouncing up and down until his friend had to forcefully make him stop. “But I don’t know why because your mom didn’t tell you anything you didn’t already know. She just put it into perspective.”

“What if she’s right?” She had texted Niall again, apologizing to him and again letting him know that she loved him no matter what, that she’d like to meet Liam, but he hadn’t brought himself to answer. He didn’t know what to say, hell, he hadn’t even managed to tell Liam the truth.

“She probably is.” Right. “But so what? What’s wrong with being in a relationship with somebody you love? Liam’s chances of finding his soulmate are basically zero, and yours are… also not that great, sorry to say it. But you’ve known it for years.”

“But I don’t know what’s going to happen, he could wake up and decide he doesn’t love me anymore, he-“

“That’s just life. He’s not going to just fall out of love with you over night. Sure, in 10 years you might not be together anymore, who knows? What are you so afraid of?” Yeah, good fucking question, Niall couldn’t answer it. “Are you gonna spend this entire relationship afraid that Liam will stop loving you? What if you stop loving _him?_. This is crazy, Niall.”

“I know.” He was very painfully aware of it, even since he had woken up at 6 in the morning, unable to go back to sleep. He hadn’t lied, about having uni until 4, but after having watched Liam sleep for 2 hours, Niall had almost gone insane because he had needed somebody to talk to so badly. Especially when Liam had gotten restless in his sleep, and Niall had been terrified of him waking up after yet another weird dream.

So that’s how he had ended up at the museum with Zayn, at 9 in the morning on a weekday, the only other visitors being groups full of schoolkids. Knowing his luck, his mother would probably walk around the corner with her own students any second. 

“You need to relax. And talk to your boyfriend. And not take whatever your mother has said out of surprise so serious. Why are you so obsessed with this soulmate stuff? Isn’t it enough that you love each other?” Of course Zayn was right, but hearing it out of his mouth was a little… 

“You’re the one who is obsessed with soulmates. You were the one who wanted to find out what happened to my soulmate, you-“

“Okay, okay, I get it, I know. But that was all when you weren’t having mental breakdowns over it like that. This is serious, you need to learn to live with it. If you wanna be with him and you really love him, it shouldn’t matter what _might_ happen in a year.” He was saying it so strictly that Niall almost didn’t wanna say anything in return.

It was weird, he had come here hoping Zayn would understand, like he had back when Niall had told him about him and Liam in the first place, when he had come up with all those theories and had tried to help, and now he was just telling Niall to get over it and live with it? 

Had everyone gone mad?

Because Niall didn’t know what to say, he just stayed quiet, watched a couple school kids walk past them with their teacher, and then they were all alone again, sat in front of a giant picture that Niall had honestly zero interest in. He had only suggested the museum because he hadn’t known where else to go and Zayn had a yearly pass that allowed one extra person to go with him and- anyways, he suddenly regretted coming.

He could’ve been home right now, in bed cuddling Liam and making the most of it, not going behind his back again, telling him half-truths and then letting himself get invited on a date in the evening.

“I’m sorry I’m dumping all this on you… I never ask what’s going on with you. Or how you’re doing.” It was true, ever since he had met Liam, Niall’s life had just _been_ Liam, and he felt bad because Zayn was his best friend, but also… he was having one mental breakdown after the other, so he had kinda really needed somebody to talk to.

“I’m good.” Zayn shrugged, looking confused as to why Niall would ever assume anything else. “I sold another painting last week.”

“Really?! That’s great.” Niall tried to sound enthusiastic, but Zayn just rolled his eyes at him as he let out a laugh, lightening the mood a bit. “What? I do think it’s great.”

“I know. You were right, you know, about making some kinda social media platform for it. It helped a lot.” At least something Niall had done right, if nothing else.

“Don’t forget me when you’re famous, okay?” Niall joked, his laugh sounding a little bit fake though, but at least Zayn’s smile looked real as he softly pushed Niall with his elbow.

They fell into silence again, Niall thought of a hundred different things to say, but he couldn’t concentrate enough to actually form a full sentence in his head. It just made him think, Zayn’s change in attitude, just- all of it. Plus, they hadn’t really seen each other a lot after Niall had told him that he was dating Liam, and yeah, they had texted, but like, it had just been about irrelevant, every-day things.

“Are you still using that app?” Niall didn’t know why he had asked, it just came out, it was really the only thing he could think of right now that would maybe show that he did have a bit of interest in Zayn’s life still.

Zayn shrugged, but then he ended up shaking his head, which only confused Niall even more.

“Why not?” Had he decided the soulmate concept was stupid after all? Maybe he had come to the conclusion that it was supposed to happen naturally. 

Again, he shrugged once more, staring at the painting in front of them and Niall almost wanted to switch the topic, because maybe Zayn was done talking about soulmates, but when he did answer after quite some hesitation, Niall froze on an instant. “I met someone.”

“You- wait… “ Was he saying that… “You… you met your… soulmate?”

For a second there, Niall heard ringing in his ears as Zayn slowly turned his head to look at him, his facial expression guilty when their eyes met while Niall almost wanted to pinch himself, make sure he wasn’t just dreaming all of this. “I did, yeah.”

“I- that’s- that’s great.” Niall heard himself say, his voice probably sounding really empty though, and his face probably blank. “When did it happen? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It was a few days after you told me about you and Liam, it didn’t feel appropriate to tell you.” Zayn admitted, studying Niall’s face with clear worries. “I’m sorry, Ni.”

“For what? That’s amazing, isn’t it? Who is it?” Niall just kept going, refusing to acknowledge the elephant in the room, refusing to admit to himself that this wasn’t just two friends catching up. 

“You don’t know her, I met her on this app, she- Niall, we don’t have to talk about it.” He looked like he was about to reach out for Niall, so Niall automatically moved back. “Niall… I really wish I could help, I just don’t know how. And I don’t wanna pour salt in the wound, I don’t want- I’m sorry. I really am. And also for what I said before, I know it was harsh and I-“

“You were right though. And so was my mom. I just- I just need to suck it up and accept that me and Liam will never have what everyone else has.” Very dramatic, Niall was aware, but all of this was just too much for him right now. How was any of this fair?! “I’m happy for you though. You deserve it.”

“I- thank you.” It sounded very sincere, and Niall tried to smile, tried to not be jealous but it felt slightly impossible at this point. He shouldn’t have come, should have never asked Zayn to hang out. “… is there anything I can do?”

“I don’t think so.. but thanks.” Niall admitted, not wanting to have a breakdown in front of Zayn now, so he decided it was probably best to just talk about something else until it was appropriate to leave. “Do you know anything about this painting?”

So Niall listened to Zayn talking about art for a good hour, while his mind drifted off to some pretty dark places, and he had to admit he was really relieved when their ways parted again, and Zayn hugged him way too tightly, telling Niall to text or call him at any time he needed somebody. 

Niall didn’t feel like going to uni, or going home because he wasn’t sure he could face Liam right now, he also didn’t check his phone on purpose as he just wandered around aimlessly, the cold winter air helping him a bit to clear his head, but not much. It was awful outside, freezing cold and Niall was sure he’d get sick if he stayed out here for much longer. 

So when he found himself in front of the aquarium he had worked at, he didn’t need to think twice, kinda seeing it as a sign. Truth was though, he had probably subconsciously taken that way because he had taken it so many times when he had still been working here.

Again, there were barely any people because of how early it was on a weekday, and Niall was able to enter yet again free of charge, staying a bit to chat with one of his old coworkers but trying to keep it really superficial, lying about why he was here. Not that it was important.

Niall hadn’t been here by himself ever since he had brought Liam here, months ago though it felt like years, and he also wasn’t sure how it’d make him feel, but surprisingly enough, it didn’t freak him out. It was rather calming actually, because it was quiet and no one was there, just some guy that Niall completely ignored when he went to sit by the glass, determined to just stare at the fish until he’d have a breakthrough.

So, forever?

Not even a minute could have passed of Niall trying to hold back his tears before he absently noticed this other guy getting up from the corner of his eyes, thinking he was going to walk out of the room, but he actually came over.

“Niall?” When he said his name, Niall almost broke his neck turning his head, a little bit shocked to see Harry standing in front of him, because- what the hell? How? 

“Umm… hi.” Niall tried, happy that he wasn’t crying, but also not knowing what else to say. How much of a fucking coincidence was this?! “What are you, um, doing here?”

“I work on the other side of the street, it’s my lunch break. I come here all the time.” He shrugged, sitting down opposite Niall, also sideways so they could look at each other. “Am I bothering you?”

“No, it’s… it’s fine.” Actually, it was probably better for Niall’s well being to not be alone right now, even if he barely knew Harry. “You- you work at that flower shop?”

“Yeah.” Harry nodded, and then he shrugged. “What are you doing here?”

“Uhh... “ Niall started, not knowing what to say, whether he should have lied. But he was just so fucking tired of telling lies. “I don’t wanna go to uni and I also- I also don’t wanna go home. I used to work here, so… they never charge me entrance.”

“Me neither.” Harry laughed briefly, and Niall was really confused for a second. “I’ve kinda made friends with some of the employees, we go to yoga class together.”

“Oh.” So Niall really wasn’t even privileged getting in for free, but whatever. “… down the street?”

“Yeah. Have you been there?” Now Harry sounded really interested, but Niall had to disappoint.

“No… I’ve never tried yoga.” He would have sucked at it, no question. 

“You should, it’s really good for you. Helps clear your head and stuff.” He sounded very confident, but then he looked at Niall a bit longer and kinda backtracked a bit, almost making Niall laugh, because he was probably questioning his physical condition. “Or you could try to meditate.”

“Do I look like I need to meditate?” It was a serious question somehow, but Niall didn’t really expected Harry to be as serious as he was, almost looking guilty for saying yes.

“A little bit.” He admitted, as if he was concerned for Niall’s well being even though he didn’t even know what was going on. And hell, Niall couldn’t do this a third time, go behind Liam’s back and just talk about their relationship after he had done it both to Zayn _and_ his mother. 

“Will it enlighten me?” Niall tried not to make fun of it, but Harry seemingly took no offense anyways.

“It might.” He told him, all serious and whatnot. “Why? Do you need to be enlightened?”

“I don’t think it could hurt.” To be fair, at this point, Niall was ready to try anything at all to get clarity. “… but you believe in stuff like that, right? Like, that our lives are already planned before we’re born and that we’re all here for a reason and- and I don’t know.”

“Did Liam tell you that?” Now Harry was the one who laughed, and Niall felt a bit triggered hearing his boyfriend’s name, but he just shrugged, not looking to offend Harry. “I guess I’m that kinda person, yeah.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it in a bad way.” Niall apologized, feeling really bad, but Harry didn’t at all seem bothered, so he managed to relax. “… can I ask you something?”

“Sure, what?” He looked interested, and Niall HATED that he was again being hopeful that maybe somebody could help him figure out this mess, but he couldn’t stop himself because Harry looked so willing to help and- fuck, screw it.

“What’s your take on soulmates?” Niall asked without thinking twice, and then, when Harry’s mouth was already open, he just continued. “And do you think the universe is giving us signs? Like, through dreams? And- do you think there are coincidences? And that some people are only in our lives to like, just teach us a lesson or something?”

Harry clearly hadn’t expected multiple questions, but he seemed thoughtful as he studied Niall’s hopeful face before throwing a look at his watch. “I gotta go back to work in five minutes.”

“Oh, sorry, I just thought-“

“If you’ve got nothing to do, you can come with me and we can talk there, if you want to. I’m alone today, so I have to be on time because I locked the store. I think that’s gonna be a bit of a longer conversation and we don’t get a lot of customers around midday anyways.” He didn’t seem bothered by it at all, actually, if Niall had had to name it, he would have said Harry looked rather intrigued.

He probably didn’t get people asking him these questions on a daily basis.

No idea how Niall ended up surrounded by plants a couple of minutes later, and Harry offering him some tea, telling him that he hoped that Niall wouldn’t mind him having to bind flower bouquets while they talked. Niall had to admit that he had both never been more curious to hear what somebody else’s opinion on soulmates was, but also never been more scared either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone, i hope you liked the chapter :)
> 
> i promise, the reveal is very close! and also that nialls conversation with harry will definitely not be just mindless chatter in the next chapter! ive thought very long about how it should all be solved, and harry is definitely going to play a part in it, so i hope you guys are excited to find out!
> 
> the next chapter will definitely not be the last, there will at least be 3 more i think, im very bad at planning this kinda stuff. but let me know your thoughts if you want!!!
> 
> hope youll all have a great week <3


	12. Chapter 12

The smell inside the shop was a bit overwhelming, because of all the flowers and plants, but Niall got used to it fairly quickly although he grew tired of watching Harry do his work after just a minute. Now he wished he hadn’t declined that cup of tea, but he also didn’t wanna bother the other boy anymore and he felt a little weird about being here in the first place.

The problem was, Harry wasn’t one to push or make Niall talk, he was clearly waiting for Niall to pick up the conversation again, but all of a sudden, Niall’s confidence had shrunk a bit. Maybe because he had had a few seconds to actually think it through while they had been walking across the street, and now he felt kinda bad for talking to Harry, who wasn’t even his friend but _Liam’s_.

“Did you know that Zayn met his soulmate?” Niall decided to ask this first, because it was still very prominent in his mind as well and he honestly hadn’t expected the lack of reaction he was getting.  
“He told us, yeah.” What?!

“He told you and Louis before me?” Obviously Niall knew why Zayn had done that, it was just… it still got him a bit upset, in the midst of it all.

“He didn’t wanna hurt your feelings. That’s also why Louis didn’t tell Liam. We all understand if it upsets you.” He said it with a kind of sad look on his face, briefly looking up and into Niall’s face, who had to immediately look away. 

“It’s whatever. I’m still happy for him.” He had wanted it for such a long time, how could Niall have not been happy for him? Even if it got him jealous, like, not that he had met his soulmate, but that everyone seemed to get their happy ending. 

“I’m sure he knows that.” Did he, though?

Niall just nodded, not really knowing what else to say now because this had thrown him off. So he just went back to watching Harry again, thinking about how he should’ve been in class right now, how Liam had probably already woken up and read the note he had left him. Was Niall the worst boyfriend in the entire world at this point?

“Do you ever get to take flowers home?” It was the most random thing Niall could have asked, he also didn’t even care, but he didn’t just want them to be silent and he actually wanted to get back to what they had been about to talk about at the aquarium, only now he wasn’t sure anymore if he wouldn’t feel terrible about it right after.

“Sometimes, if we’re already closed and we know they won’t last the night anyways. But I don’t ever take them really.” He shrugged, and Niall nodded again, like a complete idiot, seriously thinking about leaving while destroying his fingernails between his teeth. Harry seemed to take pity on him after a few more seconds had passed. “So, do you still wanna talk about it?”

“I want to.” Niall admitted, a bit too fast, so he made sure to keep going. “But I don’t know if we should, I don’t know if- I mean, you know why I asked these questions. And I don’t wanna go behind Liam’s back, I just- I don’t know what to do.”

“But you love him, right? And he loves you. There’s never a guarantee for anything in life.” He said it calmly, luckily not making Niall explain himself any further. Then again, it kinda wasn’t a secret of course, that this soulmate thing was weighing kinda heavily on them, and Niall didn’t know if Liam had talked to Louis or Harry about any of this as well, but it was probably easy to pick up on what was going on.

“Would you still think the same if Louis wasn’t your soulmate? Wouldn’t you be scared?” There was no way he could answer this objectively, and maybe Niall had kinda asked because he wanted to have a reason to tell Harry that he couldn’t even know what he and Liam were going through. He did feel bad about it right after, especially when the other boy took his time to answer.

“I don’t know.” He admitted, and Niall almost caught himself being disappointed. “I won’t pretend I know how you feel or what you’re going through, and I won’t tell you that you shouldn’t be scared, I know it won’t change anything. I’m just sorry we live in a world where any of this even matters.”

“So you think soulmates are rubbish?” That’s basically what he had said just now, hadn’t he? Only, coming from someone who was happy with their own soulmate, Niall wasn’t sure how much it really mattered. 

“I can tell you what I think, but I don’t know if you can take anything away from it, and I don’t wanna make it worse.” Harry sounded too thoughtful and worried for Niall to get upset, especially when their eyes met again.

“Tell me, I don’t think it could get any worse.” Seriously, after that talk with his mom, Niall truly couldn’t have fallen down a deeper hole.

So Harry took a moment, studying Niall’s face before he nodded, looking back down to where he was still busy creating a flower bouquet. It looked pretty, Niall couldn’t deny that, but he didn’t wanna say anything to change the topic now, even if he kinda wanted to because he felt his heart beating a bit faster.

“I know you’re gonna take everything I say with a grain of salt because I’ve met my soulmate so young, but it’s still what I believe. First of all, I don’t believe that actually all soulmates necessarily end up together, I know it’s kind of a topic no one really talks a lot about, but I’m pretty certain it’s real. A soulmate is just someone who you click with and feel connected to on a deeper level. Some people also say you can have multiple ones, and I doubt you could be equally in love with two soulmates, it just seems strange to me. It’s just perceived as the norm to meet your soulmate and then marry them and live happily ever after. I think it’s quite stupid, and I think we’d be better off being born without those marks. I mean, if I don’t like somebody at first or don’t even know them, why would I need to feel pulled towards them or even further pursue them anyways, just because my mark reacted? If they’re my soulmate we would end up together because we like each other.” He shrugged, probably expecting Niall to interrupt, but he didn’t.

Harry was right, he WAS taking it with a grain of salt, but he was still interested to hear more.

“Second of all, you do have control over your own life, Niall. If you love Liam that isn’t just going to go away, even if you did happen to meet your soulmate. Your mark is already activated, you technically shouldn’t be able to miss your soulmate any more than you already do, so if you don’t… why even bother being scared of it? And third of all… to answer a question you had before, yes, I do think some people come into our lives, for a specific reason, and that it’s all planned. Which would explain why some people just go their whole lives without ever meeting their soulmate. And which would explain your situation as well, maybe it was just all meant to be this way. I know that’s probably not what you wanted to hear, but it’s my opinion anyway. There’s no certainty for anything in life, even for me and Louis it’s like, something could happen any day. I think we should just make the best of it, and try to be good people.”

Of course he was right, and now Niall felt even more stupid about it all, and he desperately wished he could have truly embodied this belief as well, but it was kinda hard for him.

“You and Liam clearly have a connection, in whatever way, and you love each other. I saw the way you act when you’re together and it made me really happy for Liam, and you of course, because it’s noticeable that you truly love each other. Not everyone gets to ever experience that. Don’t waste your time together psyching yourself out by thinking about the future and what might happen. It is what it is, Niall.” He sounded very wise saying all this, and Niall had to take a moment to take it in when Harry added something else, a lot less serious. “Also, climate change will soon bring many more things to worry about anyways.”

“I- maybe.” Niall couldn’t really argue with that. “Thanks though… for what you said. I know I need to get over it, Zayn told me the same, it’s just… it’s hard. And whenever I think I’ve accepted it, I come up with new theories because of the way I feel about him or whatever. And his weird dream, it’s like… I don’t know. It’s like on one hand I feel like I need to just be grateful and stop trying to figure this out because I _know_ me and Liam are supposed to be together and that we’re like- completing each other, as stupid as that sounds. But on the other hand… on the other hand I feel jealous of everyone who will never have to have these worries and then I wanna solve it so badly it’s killing me.”

“I do get that.” Harry nodded, finally finishing with these flowers, but he just ended up getting new ones. “What dream?”

So Niall gave him a quick rundown of the dream, even though he really shouldn’t have, but then it was already too late anyways. “I think he’s had one again tonight, I’m not sure. It’s just… it feels strange. He was really weird after, I could tell it affected him a lot.”

“Well, it is quite an extraordinary dream, only Liam could say what it really made him feel though. I mean… did it mean anything to either of you? The beach or that boat?” Here was where Niall had to again admit that it was all probably just in his imagination.

“I’ve been to a beach before, obviously. But other than that… “ It was more the part about Liam’s mark that was freaking Niall out if he was being honest.

“Dreams are more about how they make you feel.” So…

“It was clearly not a pleasant dream.” Great.

“Not every dream means something, Liam’s probably been busy worrying just like you, I don’t think it’s too weird he would have a dream like that.” Harry shrugged, just like Niall’s mother had, and maybe Niall would just have to accept the fact that he was reading way too much into it all. Or maybe Harry just wanted to calm him down and actually thought it was something really bad. 

“We, uh… we did like… sleep together. That night. So maybe…” No idea where Niall was going with this, and Harry just made _Hmm_, so he decided to move on quickly. “I just can’t stop thinking about it because we talked about how different we felt the next day, like, about each other. A lot more intensely than before. But like, maybe I’m just making this all up in my head because I’m desperate or something.”

“Maybe. But maybe you’re not. I think what matters in the end is that you know where you both stand with each other, and how you both feel and what you want.” And that maybe Niall shouldn’t have been talking about this with everyone except Liam. “… the only thing I think is kinda weird is that you missed your soulmate before but now you don’t.”

“What do you think does that mean?” Niall latched onto it immediately, only having waited for something to catch Harry’s attention, and the other boy clearly regretted having said anything in the first place.

“I don’t know. That you really love Liam?” He was trying to talk himself out of it now, and Niall could tell there was no way he’d get more out of him than this. Harry seemed very cautious not to make Niall false hopes or feed into his theories. He was still a bit hopeful though.

“I didn’t feel like that at first, like, when we met. It took a while. And now it’s like… I almost forgot what I felt all those years. It’s like me and Liam are doing it all backwards, like, we kissed first and whatnot before ever talking about our feelings, and I first missed my soulmate for so long and then it just went away. And we’ve never been on a date either, it just… it happened so quickly, in the wrong order somehow.” Okay, unnecessary information, but Niall still felt bad about basically having burdened Liam with having to take him on a date tonight and do all the work. 

“It works differently for everybody.” Okay, Harry was clearly done with Niall’s desperation to find meaning in all of this, and Niall had to admit that he was definitely starting to sound pathetic. “I’m sorry if this talk didn’t go like you hoped.”

“I wasn’t really hoping for anything.” True, but somehow he had still ended up being disappointed, so… great. “I’m sorry for making you listen to all of this, while you’re working and stuff. So thank you.”

“Yeah, because we’re just overrun with costumers.” He joked, and Niall brought himself to join the laughter for just a moment. “No, but, seriously. I wish I could help, and it’s not a bother at all. Liam’s pretty much family, so if you’re dating him, you are as well.”

“I… “ Niall started, his mouth open, but he couldn’t think of anything to say because this was definitely NOT what he would have expected to hear. And honestly, the way Harry made it sound so damn normal almost made him tear up a bit. He was really emotional today, okay? “Thank you. Do you… do you think I should tell Liam about this?”

“If you want to. I won’t. I also won’t tell Louis because he’d tell Liam and blow it out of proportion.” Thank fucking god. “In the end it’s just something between you and Liam anyways.”

“Yeah…” Which was the fucking problem, because they couldn’t clear it up themselves or even talk about it anymore. Also, it seemed Liam was handling it all a lot better than Niall, which only made Niall feel a ton more guilty because if this really turned out bad then Liam would be the one getting hurt. “But does it make me a bad boyfriend if I don’t? And… and if I still let him take me on a date tonight?”

“I don’t think it does.” It was obvious that Harry was about to laugh, and Niall had to admit to himself that this was slightly ridiculous and he just needed to get it together. “It will be okay, Niall.”

“D’you really think so? Liam said the same the other day… but I think he just wanted to calm me down.” Pretty sure.

“If I wouldn’t think so I wouldn’t have even said anything.” He shrugged, and then they both heard the bell by the door, indicating that somebody had walked into the store, and Harry threw Niall an apologetic look as he walked back out to the front.

It took a while until the customer left, and Niall spent it just hanging out in the back questioning his life choices. When Harry returned, he quickly made sure to thank him again before wanting to take right off, but the other boy stopped him for a second, scribbling his phone number down on a piece of paper he had ripped out of the inventory list, telling him he could just text him if anything was up.

Thank god he hadn’t asked for Niall’s phone because he would’ve probably seen quite a few messages from Liam on there wondering where Niall was.

\-----------------------

Liam was honestly kind of doubting that Niall would even show up to their meeting spot after his last class. They had texted during the day, but it had taken Niall really long to answer and Liam had no clue what was even going on but he told himself it was because Niall was just super busy with classes and everything.

What else could it had have been anyways? Also, he had literally written that on the note he had left Liam this morning, and why would he lie about it? It made no sense.

“Hi.” Niall was smiling big when he came up to Liam, looking a bit tired but otherwise completely happy and Liam felt his chest loosening as he went to wrap his arms around his boyfriend, squeezing him tightly because not waking up with him made it feel as if they hadn’t seen each other in way longer than in actuality. 

“Hi… I missed you.” Liam mumbled, only pulling back to kiss Niall on the lips, and take in his face.

“I missed you too.” The other boy told him, sounding genuine as he ran his fingers through Liam’s hair, kissing him again. “I’m sorry I left you this morning. I just thought you deserved to sleep in.”

“You can wake me next time.” Liam made sure to let him know immediately, because sleeping in definitely did not measure up to spending the morning with Niall and getting to see him before uni or work. “Do you still wanna go on a date?”

“Yeah. If you wanna go.” He was beaming now, which made Liam smile as he pressed his lips against Niall’s forehead because he just couldn’t resist. “I’m sorry I made you plan it, I didn’t really think it through when I-“

“No, I wanted to. We agreed on it, remember? When we were going back home on the train?” Liam needed to somehow make up for this weekend after all, even though Niall hadn’t wanted him to. “Also… don’t get your hopes up too thigh please, I wasn’t that creative.”

“I really don’t care how creative it is, I just wanna spend time with you. And be able to say that my hot boyfriend took me out on a date.” Niall was laughing when Liam blushed, almost on an instant, but at the same time, it made whatever little worry he had had left vanish on an instant. “But it does involve food, right? Because I’m starving.”

“It definitely involves food, yeah. I couldn’t just not let you eat after you spent all day at uni.” There was something flickering across Niall’s face when Liam said it, but he might as well have imagined it. And maybe it was just Niall looking back on his day full of classes. “Can we go?”

The other boy nodded with a smile, making sure to peck Liam on the lips again before intertwining their fingers as they walked out of the university building.

Of course Liam had thought about telling Niall about his dream, and just in general making sure that there really wasn’t anything going on, because of his mother or just in general, but… he had had a lot of time to think today, and he had decided against it all. Telling Niall about the dream would have done nothing at all, if anything, it would have only freaked Niall out and made him worry. And Liam was already worrying for the both of them and feeling terrible about it.

Also, pushing Niall to tell him if anything was up was also not something Liam wanted to do, because it always backfired, and he felt like they had reached a point where they had discussed certain things way too often already. There was nothing to change about their situation, nothing at all, and maybe if they just lived life and enjoyed their time together, they’d get to a point where none of it would matter anymore as long as they had each other.

Liam was hoping for that anyways.

Their bus ride was filled with conversation, about normal things, and Liam could tell Niall got excited when they got to the mall, even though it wasn’t actually THAT exciting because they had been here a couple times together. 

Of course Liam could have picked somewhere fancy to eat, but chances were they both wouldn’t like it because they had never been there before, and he also wasn’t super rich. So he had decided to go to a place where he knew Niall liked the food and simply take him to some other place for dessert after, to make it a bit more special.

Although Niall looked completely content right here as well.

“This is really exciting. Right? Maybe we should pretend it’s really a first date and that we don’t know each other that well and like, ask each other questions. For fun.” He seemed to think that that idea was absolutely _hilarious_ and Liam had to try hard to hold back a laughter. At the same time he was literally swooning over how fucking cute Niall was right now.

“If you want to do that.” He agreed, not at all minding it. “But then you have to stop smiling because I might be an idiot and you’ll grow to hate me.”

“True. I also don’t wanna look too enthusiastic, I think it would make a really bad impression. As if I’m un-dateable or something.” He took it very serious when Liam laughed, from one second to the next switching to a completely neutral facial expression. “So, Liam, what do you study again? I forgot.”

“Remember when I didn’t remember your name on my second or third day or something?” Liam wasn’t as good at this, but it was true anyways. He felt quite terrible about it, or had, right after it had happened and he had doubted whether he’d get along with anybody at all at that restaurant.

“Yeah, that was super rude. You’re lucky I still agreed to go on a date with you.” Niall gave back, fake rolling his eyes while Liam bit the inside of his cheek. “So, do you go to uni or not?”

“Not gonna lie, I think being overenthusiastic would’ve made a better impression.” The other boy’s mouth immediately dropped open, fake shock on his face while Liam chuckled, deciding to take it back though because it was just for fun anyways. “Sorry, I’m kidding, you’re super nice of course, and- I study psychology. You?”

“I already finished uni ages ago. I’m a prodigy and-“

“Niall!” Liam laughed again, having to interrupt when a waiter came over to take their orders and Niall told him it was their first date, completely unprompted, maybe to add to the act they were putting up. “If I had known we were making up fake identities-“

“We’re not. How would you know? We only just met.” Niall insisted, WAY better at this game than Liam. 

“You’re ridiculous. But I still love you anyways.” Liam smirked, seeing a smile tugging on the corner of Niall’s mouth but he kept it hidden.

“Liam- is that your name? I think it’s a bit soon to say that. We’ve not even gotten our food yet.” His concerned look was very convincing, honestly. 

“Okay, okay, I’m gonna play now.” Liam promised, not sure yet how exactly he was going to do that without laughing, but he would try his best. “I’m actually divorced. Do you wanna hear about it?”

They were being ridiculous through their entire meal, but it was definitely really funny and Liam was a _terrible_ actor so he didn’t try to hide his laugh a few times while Niall never broke character, coming up with the stupidest things.

It was only when they had left, and Liam had somehow managed to let Niall allow him to pay for everything, that Niall grabbed a hold of his hand, pressing a kiss to the older boy’s cheek.

“Thank you, Li… “ He mumbled, making Liam’s heart warm. “Best first date ever. I mean, obviously, I can be a judge of that because I’ve been on so many dates.”

“Of course.” Liam laughed, squeezing his boyfriend’s hand. “It’s not even over yet. Unless you want it to be because you realized you actually hate me.”

“Hmm, it can definitely go on a bit longer, I’ve not decided yet.” Niall joked, tightening his grip on Liam’s hand when the other boy tried to playfully pull away when Niall just laughed. “Sorry. Okay, let’s be serious again. I’d love for this date to go on forever.”

“I’ll try my very best. If not we can always go on another one, y’know?” Actually, Liam wouldn’t have been mad had they made it a weekly thing, especially because they usually spent their nights at Niall’s place, and yeah, that was really comfortable and everything, but getting out like this also didn’t feel too bad.

He took Niall to get waffles, which may have excited the boy even more than anything they had done before, and Liam felt so proud of himself it was almost a little bit stupid. Only a little bit though.

“Do you wanna taste mine as well?” Liam was really amused watching Niall eat, getting whipped cream everywhere on his face, and he didn’t even mind when Liam reached across the table to wipe it away. Only, his face stayed clean for just about 3 seconds anyways.

“I don’t want you to miss out though, they’re so good. And I’m not sure I’d like any fruit on them.” He pulled a bit of a face looking at Liam’s waffle and the toppings, but of course ended up trying it a couple minutes later anyways. Liam offered to buy him another one, but Niall declined immediately, although he did let himself get talked into some hot chocolate, after some serious convincing. “I don’t know how I ever survived without you.”

“What do you mean?” Liam was a bit surprised by that, when Niall said it so casually, but the other boy just shrugged.

“I mean, I don’t even know how I didn’t grow terribly bored and lonely every night. I mean- I did. Sometimes. But also, I never really went out a lot, except with Zayn sometimes, and I was actually thinking of upping my hours at the restaurant just so I’d have less free time.” He shrugged, drinking some more hot chocolate, his words making Liam incredibly sad. “It sounds super stupid, but you kinda saved me. From myself.”

“Ni-“

“No, I know that sounded bad, I didn’t mean it like that. I just mean that… I’m incredibly grateful that we met, and I know we’ve been worried and- but I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s no need to worry about any of it. We should just… live our lives and be happy together, and make the most of it. Right?” He sounded very hopeful, as if he thought there was a possibility Liam might disagree, but it actually just caused Liam’s chest to feel a lot less heavy.

“Right.” He agreed with a smile, letting his arm fall around the back of Niall’s chair, leaning in to kiss him on the lips, just briefly before he had to let out a quiet laugh. “You almost sound like you’ve gone to get advice from Harry.”

There was no answer, Niall simply kissed him again, probably not wanting to think about Harry right now. They kissed a bit too deeply to be appropriate in a public space, but Liam was okay with that, because he felt a little bit as if he was on cloud nine right now. Niall was completely right of course, they shouldn’t have wasted their time with worrying about things that might not ever happen.

When they pulled apart, they were both smiling at each other before Niall went back to finish his drink and Liam stayed a bit closer to him, trying not to watch him to a point where it could’ve gotten uncomfortable. He just didn’t wanna look away, couldn’t somehow.

“Zayn told me something today.” Niall said after a few moments, drinking some more before continuing, and Liam kinda expected it to be something random, so he was very surprised. “He met his soulmate. Uh. Through this app, you know- the one. He didn’t wanna tell me because he thought it’d hurt my feelings, but- I thought maybe it’d be nice. If we got to know her and… so not everyone will think we’re not happy for them.”

“I’m really surprised as well, that- that’s definitely a surprise. When did it happen?” Honestly, right now, Liam wasn’t sure if he wanted to really get to know Zayn’s soulmate, but he was also still busy processing the information. Weird fucking timing.

“I don’t really know… right after I told him about us, apparently.” Niall shrugged, looking as if he genuinely did not care. Then again, he had had more time to let it sink in than Liam. 

“Oh… well, that’s great. I’m happy for him.” … was he?

They looked at each other for a second, and Liam would’ve killed to know what was going through Niall’s head right now, why he wanted to immediately get to know this woman and why he sounded so careless. Maybe that was his way of coping, pretending it was all good and jumping the gun on it. Liam wasn’t sure if he’d manage to do the same.

“Maybe… maybe we should first try to go on a double date with Louis and Harry.” He suggested carefully, reaching out to cover Niall’s hand with his, playing with his fingers as he watched Niall’s face grow a bit softer.

“Okay.” He agreed, almost as if he was relieved. 

“I think Zayn knows we’re happy for him. And I think he’d understand if we don’t immediately wanna go and hang out with them.” Liam said it slowly on purpose, not quite sure how Niall would react, but the younger boy nodded eventually, looking over Liam’s shoulder instead, turning his hand a bit so their fingers interlaced. “And I think it’s okay for us to maybe not feel that happy about it right now. It’s got nothing to do with him.”

“Yeah… just makes me feel like a shit friend. That he didn’t even feel like he could tell me. And then when he did, I proved his fear by feeling the way I did. I mean, I didn’t tell him, but… I still felt it.” Niall said it slowly, and Liam could understand too well what he meant.

“Did you run into him today?” It was a random question, really, because Niall hadn’t mentioned it, so when their eyes met, he was a bit confused as to why Niall’s went a bit bigger for just a second.

“No, I- we texted.” He told Liam, who just nodded because whatever, and then Niall just kept staring at him, opening his mouth again, but they were interrupted by some teenagers loudly entering the place through the front door. “Maybe we should go home. It’s getting kinda late.”

“Okay... I’m pretty sure it also still counts as a date if spend time together after it’s over.” Liam tried to save the mood, offering a smile that Niall returned lazily, leaning over so that they could kiss.

“You’re so cute…. Thank you for today, Li. I love you.” He said it in between kisses, apparently not willing to let go just yet and god knew Liam wasn’t going to complain.

\--------------------------

Niall had lied to Liam twice at this point, within 24 hours, and at the rate he was going, he would win worst boyfriend in the world by the end of the week. Or just worst person in general maybe, who even knew?

It was awkward working with Zayn at the restaurant the following few days, especially with Liam there as well because he had swapped shifts. Even MORE awkward when Zayn clearly got picked up by somebody and neither of them asked to meet his girlfriend, simply waved at him. They were being childish, but Niall couldn’t change the way he felt, he had tried, and at least Liam felt the same.

He had meant it, when he had said that they should just enjoy their time together, and they _were_, but Niall wasn’t sure if it counted as not worrying if they simply stayed quiet about it. Niall also talked to his mother again, telling her that he would have to ask Liam again if he’d want to meet her, and when, making it very clear though that he did not want her to talk about the possible outcome of their relationship. Not to Liam and not to anyone.

First, they had to go on a double date with Louis and Harry anyways, after Louis had triple texted Liam about it, in the span of two minutes on a Tuesday night.

“… I’ve always hated bowling.” Niall had to admit it to Harry when they were both sitting back after an hour of playing and simply having gone over to watching their boyfriends getting on each other’s nerves, trying to beat the other. Niall had never seen Liam as competition as with Louis, but it seemed like friendly competition anyways.

“Me too. It was Louis’ idea, he begged me to go with him last week and I wanted you and Liam to suffer also.” Harry laughed at Niall’s face though it had honestly sounded like the complete truth. “Sorry.”

“I’m not sure I can forgive you for that.” Niall joked, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he leaned back, watching Liam’s back instead, the way he could see his muscles move whenever it was his turn. “What is gonna happen if Liam wins?”

“They’ll play again until Louis wins.” Of course. “No, I don’t know. I’ve never gone bowling with just the two of them, but it’s what they do whenever they play video games.”

“Sounds like we’re gonna be here forever.” Niall sighed while the other boy chuckled over his distress. It wasn’t a bad double date, they had eaten something before and had had a nice conversation, but Niall was getting tired. “What was Liam like? When you were teenagers, I mean?”

“Just like he’s now. I mean… Louis didn’t immediately introduce us. It took a while until we officially met and I- I’m not sure he liked me very much in the beginning. But… it’s understandable.” He was referring to the fact that Louis meeting him had been another factor that had pushed Liam over the edge and had made him cut out his mark. Now Niall really regretted ever having asked. “But overall, he’s stayed the same. A lot more mature, of course. Maybe more serious. You would’ve still liked him back then, I think.”

“Don’t know if he would’ve liked me though.” Now Niall had to laugh, it had kinda slipped out a bit, and he actually wasn’t amused anyways.

“Why not?” Harry asked, leaning forward as if he was interested to hear the answer.

“I’ve just not been very, uh, happy, as a teenager. Around that time span, because it was when my mark activated, I think around a year after Liam- yeah. Anyways, uh, I don’t even know why I asked, it doesn’t really matter.” He shrugged, drinking a bit of water to get over it, hating himself for ever having said anything.

“Okay… do you wanna see pictures though?” Harry had already gotten out his phone, and though Niall had to admit he felt a bit down now, he was very intrigued in seeing those pictures and just trying to forget about it all.

Harry had a lot more pictures on his phone than Niall would’ve thought was possible, but he also had more than the 16GB Niall had, so there was that. They definitely had to laugh over quite a few pictures of Liam and Louis when they had been a lot younger, but Niall still thought that Liam had been cute. Maybe, if his teenage self would’ve been less dramatic and would’ve admitted to himself he might have liked boys too, he would’ve probably had a crush on Liam as well. 

It was a bit strange, because as much as Liam had changed, his face looked familiar to Niall anyways, in all the pictures, even the ones where he had been a literal child, that Harry had for whatever reason. Yeah, of course, Niall had spent hours by now studying Liam’s face, knew every inch of his body probably, but still. It was a kinda familiar that was different to whenever he saw Louis as a child in those pictures, he knew what he looked like now, and he could tell it was him, but it was… different.

“I didn’t know they’ve known each other THAT long.” Well, Niall had kinda known it, but he had never really thought about it.

“Yeah, I think they-“

“Wait, go back.” Niall interrupted Harry, because he had been flipping through the pictures kinda quickly by now, but he was disappointed to see he had just not registered the entire picture because it had been so quick. It was a picture of what had had to be Louis’ birthday, because he was unpacking a gift while Liam was there watching with a giant grin on his face. Very clearly a new football.

“What?” Harry asked when he saw Niall’s intense stare at his screen, and the other boy just shrugged.

“Nothing, I just thought Louis was unpacking a different gift. You were going so fast, it looked like a toy boat or something.” Niall shrugged, because it was whatever.

Harry stayed quiet for a moment though, and then he just closed out of the folder, and went into a different one, one that only contained Louis though, and Niall was a bit weirded out for a moment before he pulled up a different picture, of a slightly younger Louis. Oh. “Did it look like this one?”

“Yeah, why- maybe he was holding it in one of the other pictures you skipped through, and they just blended together.” Also, Niall was clearly thinking about boats too much. 

“No. I know all of the pictures.” Harry insisted, and then he looked over to where the other two were, except, Liam had left. “Babe, where’s Liam?”

“Gone to the bathroom. Probably to cry, I’m winning.” Louis joked as he slowly came over, throwing a quick look at Niall. “Sorry, I’m kidding. Are you showing Niall how handsome I was even as a child?”

“Niall wanted to see pictures of Liam when he was younger, and we somehow ended up in this folder.” Harry shrugged, and Niall felt a bit uneasy, also because Liam hadn’t told him he’d leave. Not that it was a big deal or anything, he just felt weird. “Where’d you get that boat from?”

“What? That toy? Hmm… “ Louis made, clearly thinking about it, for way longer than appropriate, then he shrugged. “I can’t remember, I was too y- oh wait. No, I remember. It was Liam’s, I think I stole it and then later found out it had a hole in the bottom so it sank and we never found it again, I’ve never told him. And- finally you took ages!”

Louis immediately cut himself off when Liam came back to resume the game, and Niall had nothing to say, so he just looked at Harry, who stared back at him, the same questions mirrored in his face that neither of them were saying out loud.

“It’s just a toy.” Niall finally spoke, under Louis’ triumphant chanting. “It was a real one. In the dream.”

“How’d you know? It wasn’t your dream.” True, but Niall was refusing to get his hopes up, except, it was hard when Harry was acting so mysterious. “It’s just weird you thought Liam gave him a boat, and he did, but in a picture you’ve never even seen before. And he stole it anyways, but-“

“It probably doesn’t mean anything at all, can we just agree on that? Please?” Niall needed to move on from this topic, or he would go _insane_. He had so many other problems at hand right now.

“Okay.” Harry nodded immediately, putting away his phone because he was the master of not being pushy or dragging out conversations. Maybe a bit too quick for Niall’s liking, but it was probably for the best.

Liam did end up losing a couple minutes later, so Niall offered some kisses to cheer him up although it didn’t at all seem to bother him anyways. They had a few drinks after, talked some more, and when Niall and Liam got back home, Niall had still not managed to forget about this stupid boat or the look on Harry’s face.

“We should do that more often. But without the bowling.” Niall meant it when they were taking off their shoes, wanting to fill his brain with anything at all right now that didn’t involve Harry in any shape or form. “You looked really good doing it though. It was just boring.”

“I don’t really enjoy it that much either… but you and Harry get along well, yeah?” Liam sounded hopeful, so Niall of course made sure to nod because it was true after all. The other boy could just never find out what was at the root of it all. 

“He’s really nice. Louis is too, I just gotta get used to his jokes, I think. And his competiveness.” It was kinda a joke, but not really, and Liam let out a laugh when he came to hug Niall tightly.

“He’s always been like this, it’s just for fun.” He insisted, and Niall decided that he was good with that as long as he wouldn’t have to get involved. “… how tired are you?”

“I cannot believe you just went from your best friend to trying to ask me to fool around with you, but I’m actually not tired at all.” Niall laughed at Liam’s red cheeks, and about how he was making it so obvious what he wanted. “Now you gotta try real hard though to get me in the mood again.”

“I will.” Liam promised immediately, way too fast, and Niall was still giggling into his mouth when Liam kissed him.

They somehow made it into the bedroom while snogging, Niall had no idea how, he just found himself on his bed at some point, with Liam on top of him, his weight pressing him into the mattress while his tongue was exploring Niall’s mouth, one hand pushed up all the way underneath the younger’s shirt.

It was so fucking good, Niall could feel himself shudder a bit underneath Liam’s touches and kisses, never wanting this to ever end. If they could have just spent all their time in here together in Niall’s room, just the two of them, they would have had nothing to ever worry about.

“Kiss me again… “ Niall whined when Liam pulled back, only for a second though to take off his own shirt, a breathless laugh coming over his lips as he pecked Niall’s again, just briefly though.

“One second… “ Liam mumbled, obviously lacking some air as he made Niall take off his shirt as well, chuckling when Niall put both his arms around his neck to make sure he couldn’t sit up again and had to kiss him some more.

It was probably late, and it was also kinda dark in the room because they had never turned on the light, but Niall had his eyes closed the entire time anyways. They knew each other’s bodies so well by now that it made no difference. It sometimes felt as if they had done this for years and years and not just a kind of short amount of time.

“Li… please… “ The words barely came over Niall’s lips, but he was already feeling so damn hot and bothered from making out and touching each other that he could barely take it.

Liam moved immediately, hastily kissing down Niall’s neck and chest before working to get them both completely undressed, and Niall could barely take those few seconds of not being close to him. Liam was always making sure to touch him somewhere in whatever way, but it wasn’t enough for Niall, and he could have almost cried when his boyfriend was finally back on top of him, kissing him softly.

“Do you want to?” Liam whispered against Niall’s lips, because he always did, even after they had done it so many times.

Niall agreed quietly, running his fingers through the older’s hair and down his cheek and the side of his neck, just wanting to feel him everywhere at once.

They had stored the lube in the bedside table, so Liam didn’t have to turn on the light to find it, prepping Niall so gently and slow that there was basically zero pain involved and Niall just found himself moaning a few minutes later, in time with the thrusts of Liam’s fingers inside of him. He had to stop him eventually, not wanting it to be over like this.

“Wait….” Liam wasn’t lying down like usual, he had pressed a kissed to the back of Niall’s neck before having moved, actually sitting up and leaning against the headboard of Niall’s bed, reaching out for the younger boy in almost complete darkness. “C’mere, baby… “

It was kinda hot, the thought of doing it differently, and Niall didn’t have to be told twice as he crawled over to hover over Liam’s lap, their hands bumping together as they both went to grab a hold of Liam’s erection. Niall sucked in a breath when he felt the head push past his rim, pressing his eyes shut as he slowly lowered himself on Liam’s lap, until he was fully sitting down. It was a different feeling, somehow even more intense, creating pressure in all the right places and already getting Niall breathless after just a few seconds. They had stopped using condoms a while ago, and feeling Liam like this, just him, all hot inside Niall, it was… everything. 

“We can also lie down… “ Liam whispered, running his hands up and down Niall’s back in soothing motions, sounding a little nervous.

“No, this is- it’s perfect.” Niall could barely bring out the words, trying to breathe normally and not be overwhelmed by pleasure immediately. He blinked his eyes open, putting his hands on Liam’s chest as he looked at him, as far as possible with no lights on.

They hadn’t draw the curtains, so Liam’s face was a bit illuminated by the moon shining outside, and it was honestly a bit magical, and really romantic, and Niall felt in trance as he reached up to drag his thumb across his boyfriend’s bottom lip, feeling his breath hitting his skin.

He pulled his mouth open gently before leaning in to kiss Liam, immediately deepening it as he moved his body up, just slightly, before sitting back down, barely being able to bite back that moan wanting to escape him. Shit, this was maybe even better than anything else they had ever done before.

Niall usually wasn’t the one doing the work, but he actually enjoyed it quite a lot, listening to the sounds Liam was making, the way his hands were kinda helplessly moving from grabbing Niall’s ass to his hips, squeezing way too tightly, until they eventually just ended up clinging to one another as Niall was bouncing on the older boy’s lap.

“F-Fuck… _Niall_… “ Liam was close, Niall could tell, their foreheads were pressed against one another and they were both breathing harshly into the other’s face, trying their best to drag it out and hold back. “I’m g-gonna…-“

“Me t-too… _yeah_… you f-feel… s-so good…“ Niall half moaned when Liam got a hand around his aching erection, wanking him quickly as Niall moved faster, chasing his orgasm now, and it kinda just rushed over him out of nowhere as he spilled across Liam’s stomach, feeling Liam coming inside him shortly after.

It lasted longer than usually but Niall felt exhausted after, his legs were burning from having them on either side of Liam’s hips for so long, but he didn’t wanna move off just yet, wanted to stay like this a bit longer and snog Liam some more even though they were both completely breathless.

“I love you… I love you so much… “ Niall mumbled in between kisses, feeling Liam getting soft inside of him and he was pretty sure he could also feel his cum trickling out of him when he moved a bit.

“I love you too, baby… that was so fucking good… “ Liam whispered back, and Niall was a bit proud, tightening his arms around his boyfriend’s neck to kiss him some more.

They did have to part eventually, and clean themselves off, so Niall suggested they just take a shower together, because it was kinda his favorite part. Them washing each other’s hair and their bodies, kissing in between and the way Liam went all soft and cuddly after when they curled up underneath the blankets wrapped up all around each other.

Niall needed to work on accepting things as they were, and not constantly crave more and more, but moments like these, he did realize how lucky he actually was to have Liam, how a lot of people never experienced anything just close to it. And yeah, it was a sad thought, but even if this didn’t last forever, Niall would have still been grateful for having experienced what true love felt like.

\--------------------

“I can’t believe you’re home.” Liam’s mother was very clearly joking, and had Liam not felt so guilty about keeping so many secrets from her, he would have rolled his eyes. Instead, he wanted to apologize. “Have you already eaten?”

“Not really, but I was going to go to the st-“

“Well, I’ve got leftovers, if you want them.” She offered, and that sounded pretty damn good, so Liam agreed immediately.

Niall had to work a late shift at the restaurant, and Liam was already done with uni and though Niall had refused to take back that spare key and told Liam he could come and go whenever, it had felt weird. Also, everything in Niall’s apartment reminded Liam of Niall, and he also didn’t wanna just sit there and overthink. He had done too much of that lately.

Also, Liam had had the same exact dream again, with this stupid boat, and his mother asking why he hadn’t told her something. Niall hadn’t noticed, he had been deep asleep in Liam’s arms when Liam had woken up, both of them still naked and cuddled up underneath the blanket.

Why them having sex seemed to trigger these dreams, Liam had no bloody idea, and he also wasn’t sure if he wanted to ever find out.

“It tastes really good.” Liam made sure to tell his mother after heating up the leftovers and sitting at the kitchen table. She did sit down opposite him, with a cup of tea she had made before he had come home. “Thank you.”

“I’m glad if it gets eaten.” She laughed, and Liam couldn’t help but think that he and Niall never had leftovers because Niall always had midnight snacks in bed. “How’s your day been?”

“Okay… I was at uni and… yeah. I’m just a bit tired, I was with Harry and Louis last night, we went bowling and it got a bit late.” Liam didn’t mention Niall, but judging by the look on his mother’s face, there really was no need to anyways. “Yours?”

“Could’ve been worse. I’ve got a lot of homework to grade and I just can’t bring myself to do it right now.” It made Liam laugh, to hear his mother talking like that, but it also got him a bit nervous to know she was planning on sitting here with him, possibly asking questions. Or most likely. “Ruth his coming next weekend, did she text you?”

“No, she didn’t… uh, is she just coming to visit, or… ?” She usually didn’t come home that often, so Liam was a bit surprised, but his mother just nodded.

“She said she wanted to meet up with some old friends who live here. Some kinda reunion with her old classmates, I think. Are you gonna be here to at least say hi?” Well….

“I don’t know, I- I’ve not made plans for the weekend yet, I think I gotta work on one of the days… “ He did, but Liam didn’t wanna make it sound so final. Especially because he didn’t wanna waste any time he had with Niall, and during the week he would’ve been fine with that, but on the weekend… he just really wanted to be with his boyfriend.

“I’m sure she’d like to see you as well.” His mother kept pushing, and Liam wanted to sigh, but he just kept eating, almost burning the top of his mouth when she continued. “You can bring Niall.”

“Why would I-“

“I mean, you basically live at his place, and if you wanna spend time with him on the weekend then you can just bring him over. Introduce us or something.” Okay, this was not what Liam wanted, not at all. He was still terrified over meeting Niall’s mother as well, so they had basically never talked about it again like the adults they were.

“I don’t know if- it’d be weird. With Ruth and- I also wouldn’t bring over Louis for that.” Liam had to make sure his mother believed Niall was just a friend, so he had to remind himself once a while to throw in things like that. It was really stupid, like, him having this whole script in his head on how to act. 

“We all already know Louis though. And you can bring him over as well, I just thought that if Niall’s such a good friend of yours and you might even become roommates or something until you decide you wanna live on your own then I’d like to meet him anyways.” Okay, so she just thought they were good friends, great news. 

“I mean… I don’t know if he’s busy or not.” Liam lied some more, clearing his throat and making sure to eat some more as well. “I could ask. But he probably has to work.”

“You can also invite him some other time.” So she _really_ wanted to get to know Niall, and Liam made the mistake of looking up and meeting his mother’s eyes, suddenly not sure anymore whether she truly believed Niall was just a friend or whether she was messing with him, giving him the opportunity of telling her about what was going on himself.

Whenever Liam thought of opening his mouth though, he just couldn’t bring himself to say anything, and then the moment had already passed.

“By the way, I’m decluttering everything right now and I put away a few things from your room, and _no_ I am not throwing you out, I’ve been doing it in every room. I’ve not donated or thrown away anything yet, so just tell me if you notice something missing that you need. Are you finished?” She took the burden of having to do the washing up from Liam, so he couldn’t even complain.

They talked some more before Liam went into his bedroom upstairs, which kinda already felt unfamiliar at this point. It was clean, but that was also how he had left it because most of his stuff was at Niall’s by now anyways, so he doubted he’d actually notice anything missing because everything he needed, he had already taken it.

Still, Liam looked around for a bit, without much care, and it definitely took a couple minutes before he noticed that the postcard Niall had given him for Christmas was missing. He had put it on his bedside table, or at least that was the last time he had seen it, so Liam went on a little search, with no success.

It was just a postcard and he was literally dating Niall, so maybe it was stupid that he cared so much, but it felt kinda special anyways.

“Uh, where’d you put the stuff you’re gonna give away?” Liam asked his mother as he slowly walked downstairs, already trying to come up with an excuse as to why the postcard was important. 

“What’re you looking for?” She seemed very surprised that he had even found anything at all and was probably checking whether it was even about anything specific.

“A postcard, I think it was on my bedside t-“

“Oh, that one. I wasn’t going to throw it away, I put it with all of the things from our vacations over the years.” Wait…

“Why?” Liam was a bit confused as he watched his mother walk across the living room, pulling open the drawer he knew contained photo albums and memories and things like that.

“You took it from out here, right? I was wondering why you took it.” Now she was confused as well as she briefly looked at Liam before going through the photo albums, seemingly looking for a specific one. His mother had always bought postcards from places when they hadn’t felt like taking too many pictures and just put some of them into the photo albums, but they had never been in Ireland, had they?

“I didn’t.” Liam slowly walked over to join his mother, his confusion only growing when she opened one of the albums, skipping through it quite quickly.

It was just pictures of Liam’s sisters when they had been really young, and Liam was pretty sure it was one of those albums created before he had even been born. He suddenly felt a weird feeling rising in his stomach when his mother turned one more page, Niall’s postcard right in the middle, filling an empty space.

“What… what was on there before?” It was obvious, that something had been there, and now Liam felt nauseous.

“That card. Liam, seriously, you took it out from that album. Right?” What was even going on?

“No, Niall gave it to me, over Christmas break he went to- wait. Where is that?” The page had moved a bit, and when Liam reached over without asking, turning it, he couldn’t even speak at first. This beach looked strangely familiar. “Where- where was this taken?”

“What? Those pictures are all from the same place, in Ireland, the postcard you took-“

“What do you mean? We’ve never been there.” Had they?! What was going on, this was fucking crazy. “Can I- can you turn the page?”

“Liam, are you alright? You’re acting really weird.” She did him the favor though, of turning that page again, and now Liam truly needed to sit down. It was the beach, from his dream, slightly different, but it was the same. And to make matters worse, there was a picture of Liam’s older sister, playing on the sand with a toy boat. _That_ boat.

Liam _swore_ he had never seen these pictures before, he doubted he had even been born then because he was in none of them.

“Did you… did you keep that boat?” He heard himself asking, not being able to tear away his eyes from the photo album.

“No, we lost it. Or you did, because you always played with it when the girls got too old and then one day it was just gone. No idea what happened. Seriously, Liam, what is going on? Why are you so pale? You weren’t even born when these pictures were taken.” She closed the album then, and Liam just stared at the cover instead, his head spinning.

He wanted to go and tell Niall, tell everybody, but he had no idea what any of it even meant. “I… I can tell you why I’m asking in a bit, but… I was never there, right? And how many times did you go on vacation there, did you-“

“Oh my god, okay. I actually have no time to dwell in the past right now, but if you wanna talk about family vacations… “ She sighed before she went to sit down, and Liam just followed, feeling as if he was in trance.

He had no idea why any of this even mattered. Even IF, for some really strange reason, he had seen Niall as a child, or toddler, or even _baby_, maybe without even noticing, it wouldn’t explain anything at all, nothing. It wouldn’t make them soulmates in any way, it would actually only confirm that they really were not because their marks would have activated way, way back then. 

It was just… was Liam going crazy? With those dreams and- that postcard. Why was it even missing if for the strangest reason ever, Niall had bought him that exact same one?!

There were too many questions in Liam’s head, and he was afraid his mother couldn’t even answer half of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone, i hope youre doing well! :D
> 
> and i hope you enjoyed the chapter!! were getting close to the ending i think, but i enjoy dragging it for a little longer and drop more hints that i hope will lead nobody to actually guess the ending. im not sure its actually possible to guess all of it, but who knows haha!  
anyways, i hope youre all still intrigued, i am definitely excited to write the rest of this story :)
> 
> have a good week! good luck on all your exams or at work or whatever else you have coming up! <3


	13. Chapter 13

“Your dad and I have gone to that town a few times, before I had you or your sisters and then we also went when they were born, when I was pregnant with you. And one more time when you were like, three? But you were never good on vacations as a toddler and especially on this one you were just throwing one fit after the other and- anyways, we never went there again after that.” She shrugged and Liam was just staring at her, with his mouth stupidly having dropped open.

“But- but why did we never go back?” Also, he had been there when he had been _three?!_ These coincidences were all just piling up and Liam was pretty sure they couldn’t be coincidences anymore. There was just no way.

“We just didn’t, we went to other places.” It made sense of course, and it literally didn’t even matter, so obviously Liam’s mother was wondering why Liam even cared. “Why is this a problem? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I- what about that boat? The toy boat?” Liam kept pushing, not willing to answer anymore questions before he had his own answered.

“Liam, it’s a toy boat, why does it matter? I think we might have bought it there or something. Or your sister found it, I can’t remember, it was 25 years or so ago, Li. Can you finally tell me what’s even going on?” Could he?

“Niall’s from there, I mean, he was born there, and most of his extended family still lives there. It’s just… a really weird coincidence.” It couldn’t be, and with Liam’s dreams as well, there had to be something, a reason for all of this… but what if there wasn’t? What if it was REALLY a coincidence and Liam would just be making himself false hopes again? “And his aunt owns a bed and breakfast there, so it’s like… it feels weird thinking about that we might have stayed there and- that postcard. He gave it to me, when he was there over Christmas. It was never in that photo album.”

“Oh. Well, maybe it was a different one, I just assumed, but it was definitely a postcard from that town and I’ve got no idea why it would be missing.” They sat in silence for a few seconds, a really uncomfortable one as well, but Liam couldn’t think straight right now anyways. He wanted to tell Niall about this, but… would it have been a good idea? “What about the boat?”

“Nothing, I just- I had a really weird dream and I… I think it was in my dream, for some reason. As well as that beach and it was just kind of a shock, I guess.” None of it was a lie, and Liam wouldn’t have known how to lie about any of this anyways because it was just too strange. “Anyways, it’s probably a coincidence, or it just looks similar or-“

“What else happened in your dream?” Now Liam’s mother looked a lot more curious, and Liam knew that she really believed in things like that, so maybe he shouldn’t have even started this conversation, but it was too late anyways.

“Nothing. I was on a beach and- well… “ Obviously Liam wouldn’t say anything about his mark, not now and not so randomly without having been prepared for it, but there was also something else. “You were there, you were calling my name and then you said something like, ummm, wait… you asked me why I didn’t tell you. But I don’t know what I didn’t tell you because I always wake up right after you ask.”

“… always?” Shit, Liam really needed to learn how to not always say more than he intended. “How many times have you had this dream?”

“Like, twice. And once where I woke up before anything really happened.” Except the most important part about his mark, but that was not important in this context. “It’s just dreams, maybe it’s somewhere in my unconscious because we’ve visited that place before and-“

“But you were three years old, there’s no way you could remember that. You were totally surprised just now to find out we’ve ever been there.” Well, she had Liam there. “… Liam, can I ask you something?”

“Uh, yes?” Shit.

There were a few moments, of them just looking at each other and Liam swallowed, because he kinda had a feeling he knew what was about to come. “You didn’t- your soulmate mark, it’s not activated, right? It’s not… is it Niall?”

The question was so different from what Liam had expected that his mouth just dropped open again because fuck, how would he ever get out of this one? How in god’s name would he explain this to his mother, especially when she was looking at him like that, clearly just finally wanting to know the damn truth. 

But Liam couldn’t say it, he couldn’t bring it over his lips.

“It’s not activated.” Liam told her after a seconds of hesitation, having expected to see her relieved but she honestly seemed quite disappointed. Great. “Why would you think that?”

“Weird, re-occurring dreams about the place Niall’s from and the fact that you spend so much time with him you might have as well moved in with him, it’s just… it would’ve made sense. Especially because… well, I suppose we can both agree that it seems to be a bit much of a coincidence. But now I’m even more surprised he’s not the one… or is he?” 

“My mark isn’t act-“

“That’s not what I was asking.” She interrupted, which surprised Liam even more.

He wanted to say no straight away, but then he waited, and waited, and waited so long that no answer was needed in the end.

“I gotta say I’m relieved. I was a bit worried you might never find somebody who-“

“Wait, wait. Niall’s not my soulmate.” Liam had to clarify this again before his mother was getting all excited and- wait, why was she getting excited?!

“I know, you just said that. But you’re still together?” She asked as if she was really hoping for a yes and Liam was just so confused and completely braindead at this point, so he simply nodded. “Thank god.”

“Mom- what? I thought- why are you so happy?” Seriously?!

“I’m happy if you’re happy, Liam, and I was starting to get a bit worried. I did consider you liking guys for a while, but I honestly never really thought about it, and it’s not like it matters. I’m just relieved you found somebody.” It looked like she truly meant it, and Liam had to blink, feeling like pinching himself to make sure it was real. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“I- I don’t know. Uh… I wasn’t sure how you’d react, because he’s a guy and- and because he’s not my soulmate. And I know you really believe in this stuff and that-“

“I believe that things happen for a reason, so I’m sure there’s a reason you met Niall. And your dreams and these weird coincidences only seem to confirm that. And why would I care if he’s a guy? Liam, did you think I’d get mad?” Okay, now Liam felt guilty.

“No, I- I wasn’t sure.” He admitted, his heart beating faster but he also felt relief. And more guilt because there were still too many secrets he was keeping. “So you think that… that this was kinda meant to be? Like… that my dreams aren’t just super weird coincidences?”

“I doubt it. It honestly just confuses me that you’re not soulmates considering all of this and… “ And then she broke off, seemingly lost in thoughts while Liam was on the edge of the couch, dying to know what she was thinking about. Who would’ve thought that he would be sitting here with his mother hoping _she_ would be able to solve this mystery? “There’s definitely a connection there.”

“What were you just thinking about?” Liam ignored the last part, although it made him feel kinda good, and he wished Niall were here to hear all of this as well. 

“Nothing, I was just re-thinking your dream, the part where I was asking you what you were doing. I do remember when we were there, in Ireland, you did run off at some point, and the town isn’t big or anything, but I was worried you might drown in the ocean or something. So I was probably screaming at you once I found you, why you didn’t tell me where you were going… and after that day, you were just throwing constant fits the rest of our trip. I just remember it because I was so scared something had happened to you.” At least this mystery was kind of solved now, if that was really what Liam’s dreams were about, even though it still made no sense to him in any way whatsoever. 

“So… what do you think does it all mean?” Well, she only had half the information, but Liam could hope, right?

“I have no idea, Li. I’m just happy you found somebody you like and who likes you back, even if you’re not soulmates. If you’re happy, that’s all that matters.” She sounded as if she meant it, and it made Liam wonder if all those times and years his mother had told him he’d meet his soulmate one day, that he’d just have to be patient, that it was all planned, she had internally been freaking out thinking he’d die alone. That he’d never find a soulmate, or anybody. “So now you have to bring him over on the weekend.”

“I, uh, I’ll have to ask. Umm… he also told his mom, a couple days ago and- she wants to meet me as well and I’m kinda scared, so I- I imagine he would be as well.” Definitely, he had been terrified over meeting Harry and Louis as well.

“You better behave when you meet his family, Liam. Don’t embarrass me.” She sounded strict for a moment, but then she laughed although Liam could tell she had kinda meant it anyways. “And tell him I want to meet him, and that he can’t say no.”

“But mom-“

“Liam, you’re both adults, you almost moved in together, I think it’s only fair I get to meet him.” She did have a point, but that didn’t make it any better. “Does he have these kinda dreams as well?”

“Uh, not that I know of.” Liam would have surely noticed, right? “If he does come over, can we- can we agree that we won’t talk about any of this? And also not about the fact that we’re not soulmates? Can we… can we just pretend soulmates don’t even exist?”

“I wasn’t really planning on bringing it up anyways. Why? Is it stressing you out?” Almost immediately, she looked as if she wanted to have a full on therapy session with Liam right here and now, so he tried to relax his face.

“No, just- there’s no point in discussing it, right? It is what it is. And I just want it to be normal, if- if he comes over. I still gotta ask.” Did Liam even want him to come over? 

“Let me know as soon as you know. I’ll let your sister know she has to behave herself, okay?” She promised, and Liam just nodded, suppressing a sigh because his mother was definitely getting too excited. “Now you have to tell me how it happened though, I wanna know everything.”

“It’s not that interesting, why do y-“

“Li, you’ve never been in a relationship with somebody when you were younger, you never even had a crush on anybody. Or never told me about it. I’m just happy for you and I wanna know how it happened, especially because you’re not soulmates and- I know, you don’t wanna talk about that, but you know what? Maybe it’s better that it happened naturally. Doesn’t mean you couldn’t still be perfect for each other, right?”

She was clearly hyping this up a bit too much, maybe also for her own sake, so Liam had no choice but to tell her a very altered version of what had happened. She was very excited about the New Year’s kiss though, so… Liam doubted that she was looking through his lies. He did feel quite terrible about it though.

Especially because he spent the next few hours being questioned by her about every detail of his relationship and of course he had to make up more lies to fit this story and somehow make it work, basically ruining it for himself should he have ever decided to tell her the actual truth.

\-------------------------

Niall wasn’t really in the best mood after work, but he honestly hadn’t been in the best mood for a while, so that wasn’t too surprising. Apparently Zayn had told everyone at work about his soulmate, and people kept asking him about it, seemingly whenever Niall happened to walk past. At this point, he honestly didn’t wanna get to know her anymore, or go on another double date, because even though the one with Harry and Louis had been alright… it had only led to Niall overthinking yet again.

Liam had told him he’d come and pick him up from work, but Niall had insisted that he just waited at his place instead because it was really late and there was genuinely no need for Liam to take that way twice. Also, Niall kinda needed the time alone to try and calm down a bit from having had to pretend all day to not be bothered by this soulmate talk.

Would any of this ever end? It seemed that although he had these moments and days of enlightenment where he was sure everything would be fine in the end, they were always followed with his mood dropping to a new low, and it was honestly exhausting as hell. 

Just last night Niall had fallen asleep realizing how lucky he was to have found Liam, and now after spending their day apart and Zayn shoving soulmate stories in everybody’s face, Niall just wanted to go lie in bed and preferably not talk for at least a week.

When he finally entered his apartment it was after midnight, but Liam was awake despite Niall having texted him multiple times to just go to bed. He was definitely happy that his boyfriend hadn’t actually done it though.

“Hi… “ Niall mumbled after taking off his shoes and jacket, walking over to where Liam was coming from the other room, a smile on his face that was definitely not as tired as Niall’s.

“Hi, babe… everything okay?” Liam looked worried when Niall went to kiss him briefly, hugging him for a moment just to close his eyes and enjoy having him near. He smelled good, and he had already gotten ready for bed and it only made Niall wanna lie down even more.

“Just sleepy… c’mon.” Niall pulled back only to force himself to a tiny smile, pressing his lips to the corner of Liam’s mouth before loosely linking their fingers together to pull Liam with him.

He did brush his teeth while Liam sat on the edge of the bathtub, watching him, talking about something that had happened today at uni while Niall nodded along, never taking his toothbrush out of his mouth long enough to answer. It wasn’t on purpose, but he also wouldn’t have really known what to say because he was both exhausted but also still lost in thoughts.

Liam didn’t say anything anymore when they went to Niall’s bedroom and the younger boy simply pulled off all his clothes, only bothering to put on some new boxer shorts and sweatpants that could have belonged to either of them before crawling underneath the covers. It didn’t make him feel a lot better, but definitely a little to just lie in bed and close his eyes.

Niall could feel Liam getting on the mattress as well, moving it with his weight, and he felt a bit bad about acting so off, but he also couldn’t bring himself to be more animated. Luckily, Liam wasn’t pushing him, he simply lied down behind him, wrapping an arm around Niall’s waist underneath the blanket as his lips brushed Niall’s bare shoulder. 

“You sure you’re okay?” He whispered against Niall’s skin, making him shiver a bit as he moved back a little to be closer to his boyfriend. 

“Yeah… it was just a long day… sorry.” Niall WAS sorry, even more sorry that Liam had to deal with his moods, but he was trying his best.

“Okay… you know we can talk if you want to, right?” He was now kissing Niall’s cheek, and his ear, and the back of his head and Niall pressed his eyes closed, not wanting to get emotional right now. 

“I know, Li… thank you. But I’m fine.” He insisted, blindly searching for the older’s hand to play with his fingers. Though he was definitely tired, there was no way he could have fallen asleep right now. “How was your day?”

“Alright… I was home for a bit.” Liam told him, and Niall felt him shrugging behind him before he tightened his arm even more, his chest pressed against Niall’s back. “… Ni?”

“Hm?” Niall made, letting his fingers fill the spaces between Liam’s.

“I kinda- I told my mom, about us, I mean.” Wait…

“You did? What, uh, what did she say?” Immediately, Niall’s eyes had flown open and his heart was beating a bit faster, because he definitely had NOT expected Liam to do this anytime soon.

“She was really excited.” It sounded as if he was telling the truth, which only confused Niall even more, but it also seemed to confuse Liam as well.

“That’s great, Li, did you- did you tell her about-“

“No, I didn’t.” He interrupted before Niall could have even thought of a way to ask. “I told her we’re not soulmates, but I didn’t say anything else, not about my mark or yours, but… she didn’t care or ask, she, uh… she was just really happy for us.”

Of course it was a relief for Niall to hear that, and he was also really happy for Liam even though he hadn’t told his mother the entire truth, but at the same time, he felt a pinch in the bottom of his stomach as he thought about how his own mother had reacted. And how he had lied to Liam about it. 

“She really wants to meet you.” Liam continued, and Niall felt his throat tightening a bit in fear. “But I told her we’d have to talk about it and- I totally understand if you need time. I know your mom wants to meet me as well and… I think we’re both probably nervous.”

“A bit… “ Niall admitted quietly, squeezing Liam’s hand a bit tighter because he felt as if he needed some support right now. “I wanna meet your mom though, just… how much does she know, I mean… did you plan on telling her?”

“Not really, we just… “ He randomly broke off, rubbing his thumb over Niall’s while the younger boy thought about turning around to look at Liam, but then he didn’t and opted for simply waiting instead. “My mom saw the postcard you gave me, after Christmas. Remember?”

“Yeah… what’d she say?” Niall hadn’t written anything on it, because back then he wouldn’t have known what to write anyways, and he hadn’t wanted Liam to think he was trying too hard.

“She actually thought that- it’s a weird story.” Liam concluded after a moment, which really confused Niall, because what was weird about his mother wondering why he had an empty postcard from some random place in Ireland? “Basically, the conclusion is that my family actually used to go on vacation to your hometown, and I’ve been there once before as well, when I was three years old or something, and that beach in my dream actually matches the beach th-“

“Wait, wait, _what?!_” Niall had turned around immediately, propping himself up on his elbow to stare down at Liam, because what the hell?! And he was just saying this all randomly, having waited HOURS to let Niall know?! “Is this for real? Like- Liam, what the hell?”

“I know, I’ve been thinking the same, I was freaking out too when I found out so my mom kept asking questions and- that’s how I told her about us. It’s really strange, but also… I don’t know what we should really make of it, I mean… it doesn’t really change anything, does it?” Okay, how could he be so calm about it?!

“It changes everything? What if we met before, when we were kids? The chances aren’t that low, you know, with my family owning this bed and breakfast, it’s kinda popular among tourists and stuff. Li, this is crazy.” It was, and yes, Niall was definitely again clinging onto it like an idiot with his hope rising, but he just couldn’t help it. “Why are you so calm?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for hours and I just- it is kinda calming to me, because it makes all of this feel as if it was planned, as if we were meant to meet and for everything to turn out this way. But at the same time I don’t want us to chase after theories again and have our whole relationship just be about that. I know it’s not, but… you know what you said? On our date? That we should just appreciate what we have and not care about anything else? I know we both want it to mean something really desperately, but it does already mean something, whether it was all planned or not. Maybe some things are just coincidences after all. Really good ones.” Niall partly agreed with that, but at the same time, he had many more thoughts on it that he somehow couldn’t say out loud.

For just a second, he wanted to tell Liam everything, about how he had talked to Zayn, and Harry, about this stupid picture of a toy boat, but then he decided against it, because Liam was right, as frustrating as it was. 

They needed to finally move on from this, for good.

“Maybe by thinking about this so much and wanting to see signs, we keep regarding everything as some kinda sign. I don’t think it’s healthy.” Liam said it carefully, as if he was afraid Niall would freak out or something, and he had to admit that he was kind of really close, but he kept it together. “I’m sorry for telling you about this, I was debating whether I should, I didn’t wanna make you any false hopes or make you think about it again and-“

“I’m glad you told me. Even if we never find out what it means, it is kind of calming to know. It probably means nothing in the end, but… “ Niall shrugged, trying to keep his excitement down and hold back with the 10 thousand questions he wanted to ask Liam. In the end, they wouldn’t get anywhere talking about it now. “What did your mom say about it?”

“I think she’s not sure what she thinks about it, but she’s definitely happy and she definitely thinks we have to have some kind of connection, in whatever way.” He said it with a smile, reaching out to touch Niall’s cheek. “She’d really like to meet you, but I understand if you need more time. And I know I’m not one to talk because I’m also kinda scared to meet your family… “

“I mean… I wanna meet her too.” He did, especially because it seemed that HER reaction had been so much better than Niall’s mother’s. Unless Liam had lied as well, but Niall very highly doubted it. He also wasn’t actually sure if he wanted Liam to meet his own mother anytime soon. “I am nervous, but… she’s your mom.”

“She’s gonna love you. And you already kinda met her, briefly.” Now Liam was getting excited about it, and it was really fucking cute, so what choice did Niall really have? “My sister is coming home next weekend, and my mom said I should invite you, but I totally get it if-“

“Okay.” Niall interrupted without thinking about it, without allowing himself to get worried over it.

“I- really?” Liam’s face lit up upon hearing it, so of course that made Niall smile as well, even if he felt nervousness pooling in the depth of his stomach as he leaned down to briefly kiss Liam’s lips.

“Yeah. I mean, I’ll probably screw it up and behave like an idiot, but… as long as you’re there with me, I’ll be fine.” At least Niall would try his best.

“You won’t screw anything up, Ni. There’s nothing to screw up, I know my family will love you.” He said it very sincerely, and Niall kinda believed, but at the same time, he regretted having said yes just a little bit. What if they didn’t actually like him? Liam would be so disappointed. “And we can talk about it again if you want, it’s not set in stone or anything. Okay?”

“Okay… “ Niall agreed, leaning down to kiss his boyfriend again so he wouldn’t see just how nervous he really was.

Honestly, Niall wasn’t sure if this was how he had wanted this conversation to end, and he definitely wasn’t sure if they had talked about any of this enough, but at the same time, he kinda felt like there was nothing left to say. So they might have met as kids already, which only made it even less likely that they were indeed soulmates. And Liam had dreamed about the beach in Niall’s hometown, but only because he had been there before.

So now if Niall put all the pieces together, there was no doubt anymore that Liam’s dreams had _something_ to do with him, and their relationship. But if he considered the fact that Liam had also dreamed about his mark completely un-activated, then the conclusion was that none of this was actually pointing towards a positive sign. Looking at it from this side, it actually kinda made it seem as if some higher power was trying to tell them in any way possible that this wasn’t right.

Even if it did certainly feel more than just right, but how would Niall have even still known? There was too much going on, he was keeping too many things from Liam and he had a feeling Liam was keeping things from him as well, at least the amount of times he had had these dreams. And Niall wanted to just be happy with what they had, truly, but he didn’t know how, not with so much going on around them, not when he had such a hard time dealing with his own emotions. Sure, the last part was on him, but he still didn’t know how to change any of it.

\--------------------------

Liam was stupidly excited about introducing Niall to his mother although he was a little worried how his sister was going to react, whether she’d try to embarrass him or something, so he made sure to text her beforehand, and also tell his mother again that she shouldn’t talk about anything soulmate related.

It was obvious that Niall was nervous about it over the course of the next few days, and they did talk about it again, but only briefly. Niall also never again asked about this whole thing about Liam having been to his hometown before, and somehow Liam felt like they should have talked about it some more, but about what, exactly? He could have told Niall about how many times he had had these dreams by now, and about this toy boat, but it wouldn’t have changed anything, would it?

It was what it was, and Liam was kind of hoping that all of this would lead to them finally being able to live with everything the way things were. Well, and then he’d have to tell his mother about his soulmate mark, but maybe now that he had Niall… maybe she wouldn’t even care anymore?

They had to make it Sunday, because Liam and Niall both had to work on Saturday, and already then, Liam could tell that Niall had trouble going to sleep that night, but he was also overly clingy and they ended up distracting each other, so there was no more time to talk. On Sunday, Niall had a shorter shift at the restaurant and Liam had the day off, so he went home to spend some time with his mother and sister while Niall had agreed that he’d just come over after work.

So now Liam’s nerves were definitely also kicking in the closer it got to the time Niall’s shift would be over.

“I still don’t get it. Why’d you never tell me you’re bi?” Ruth looked genuinely confused about it all, and Liam wanted to roll his eyes, but his mother already did it for him.

“Ruth, don’t be rude.” She warned her and Liam almost had to laugh when he saw his sister’s face. He wasn’t offended or anything, it was his sister after all. “It’s none of your business.”

“He’s my little brother, I get it if he didn’t wanna tell you, but _me_.” She argued, and honestly, she did kind of have a point, but Liam didn’t wanna hurt his mother’s feelings right now when Ruth was already doing it. “I’m excited to meet Niall and everything, but it’s super unexpected. He looks really cute though.”

“Uh, thanks?” What else was Liam supposed to say? He had only shown Ruth a picture because she had been bothering him nonstop for an hour.

“Why? It wasn’t a compliment.” Great. “Although, I guess I gotta congratulate on actually pulling somebody cute because-“

“Ruth.” Their mother warned, and Liam’s sister sighed again.

“What? I was congratulating him.” She did have a point there, and Liam wasn’t even upset or anything, he was just kinda glad that this wasn’t a serious conversation. He knew Niall would be texting him any moment though to tell him he was leaving work, so that was a little nerve wrecking. What if it would all go completely wrong? “What’re you gonna do if either of you meets their soulmate?”

“I don’t know.” Liam admitted, kinda having expected his sister to just ask whatever she wanted to so he wasn’t too surprised over it. “But can you not ask that when Niall’s here?”

“Okay, but maybe you should think about that, it could end quite badly.” It almost made Liam laugh, to think that his sister genuinely thought she was the first person to bring this up and actually make Liam consider it.

“I don’t think it will.” Liam’s mother jumped in immediately, for which Liam was quite thankful, but at the same time, he also knew that whatever she thought didn’t actually count. No one could have predicted what was going to happen. “When is he gonna be here?”

“I don’t know, his shift was supposed to end a few minutes ago, but sometimes we have to stay a bit longer.” Liam wasn’t worried yet as he kept looking at his phone, zero new messages, but he expected Niall to be texting him at any moment now. “But can we pretend like we weren’t just sitting here waiting for him to come over?”

“We _are_ just sitting here waiting for him to come over.” Ruth was right of course. “I’m sure he knows that, maybe that’s why he hasn’t texted you yet. Maybe he never will.”

“Can you stop it?” Seriously, Liam was about to get mad right now, but not really because of his sister, more because he was suddenly a bit afraid that she was right. Maybe Niall had gotten scared after all. 

“Okay, okay, sorry.” She didn’t sound sorry, and it was normal for Liam and his sisters to bicker a bit, even as they had gotten older, but right now, he definitely did not have the nerves for any of this.

They switched the topic for a while, which was a relief, but Liam couldn’t stop thinking about Niall not texting him as time passed and it got later, and his shift should have been long over. So obviously Liam took it upon himself to text his boyfriend, a little worried something had happened, or that he had simply forgotten the actual time Niall was allowed to leave work.

After 40 minutes or so, Liam thought about calling Niall, but then he immediately felt relief spreading through him when Niall finally answered his text.

_Nialler 17:43  
Hi, im really sorry! There was so much to do and they didnt let me go and i had no time to text! Ill leave work at 6. Sorry again. <3_

“I mixed up his work schedule, he’s only got off in 15 minutes.” Liam lied, to avoid any more questions and save Niall the embarrassment because he was quite sure that he was freaking out over it, so he also made sure to text him that. 

“So I’ve been excited for over an hour for nothing?” Ruth complained playfully and Liam just rolled his eyes, deciding not to fight with her anymore.

As long as Niall would get here at some point and nothing had happened to him, then everything was fine.

\------------------------------

“You’re still here?” Zayn asked as he came into the back, looking at Niall across the room from where he was sitting playing with his phone, already having changed almost an hour ago. “You could’ve taken my shift if you had wanted to stay longer that badly.”

“Very funny.” Niall told him, but he actually didn’t feel like laughing at all. In fact, he didn’t feel like doing anything right now, especially not leaving work to go and meet Liam’s mother and sister. It’s not that he simply didn’t _want_ to, it’s more like Niall didn’t think he could do it, he was terrified, so much that he had created every single horror scenario in his mind, had freaked himself out so much over the last couple hours that he almost felt paralyzed.

He had already lied to Liam now, but if he didn’t show up there within the next hour, Niall would have to eventually tell him the truth and then Liam would be upset for sure. It wasn’t like him to get mad about something like this, but… it was an extraordinary situation, and Niall had had _days_ to pull out of this and tell Liam what he really felt, but now it was too late. And he had already lied like a coward as well.

“Are you leaving?” Niall asked though it was obvious when Zayn started changing his clothes. 

“Yeah. Should I drive you home?” He offered, the first time in quite a while, and Niall stayed quiet, but not for the reason Zayn probably thought. “She’s out of town until tomorrow, no worries.”

“That’s not why I-“

“It’s okay if you don’t wanna meet her. I’m sorry you’re constantly confronted with it at work. Both of you.” The fact that Zayn had to say sorry for this only got Niall even more worked up.

“Don’t apologize, Z. _I_ should apologize, I’ve been behaving like a child and- I’m really sorry. For everything. I know I’m a terrible friend.” He truly was, no matter how he twisted or turned it. “I’m also a terrible boyfriend.”

“What are you even talking about?” Zayn was clearly confused about Niall’s words, but Niall just shrugged anyways, actually having to fight right now to hold back his tears. He couldn’t go to Liam’s house, he just couldn’t do it. 

“Nothing. I’m really sorry.” Niall repeated, and Zayn stopped to look at him after he had finished changing his clothes, silence falling over them for a few seconds. “I know I screwed up, I know-“

“Niall, stop. What’re you talking about? It’s not that big of a deal.” But it was to Niall, because lately, everything felt like a big deal, and like the end of the entire world. “C’mon, I’ll drive you home. Or wherever you wanna go.”

“I don’t know if I wanna go anywhere.” Niall admitted, because it was true, and with every minute passing by, he got even more nervous. It was almost six now. “I’m supposed to meet Liam’s mom, and his sister.”

“When?” Zayn asked, looking at the clock on the wall, above Niall’s head. 

“Right now.” Niall told him, because why the hell not?

“Why are you still here then?” His friend asked, but when Niall didn’t answer, he seemed to get it. “If you don’t want to meet them you need to tell him, Ni.”

“I can’t. He’s really excited, I had days to say no, but I kept saying yes. I thought I could do it, but I- I can’t. I told him I got my schedule mixed up and that I only get off of work at 6 and-“

“You have to tell him the truth, it’s almost 6.” Zayn simply interrupted, and of course he was right, but Niall still couldn’t move. “Niall, seriously, what is wrong? Why are you so afraid? He wouldn’t be mad if you tell him the truth, it’s Liam.”

“He’s gonna be disappointed, and his mother will hate me, and if I do go then it’ll be awkward and she’ll hate me anyways and I- I don’t wanna go.” Niall was behaving like a child, but everything had been building up and he simply… he simply couldn’t do it.

“Okay, what’s really going on then? Did he already meet your family?” Well, now Zayn was asking the big questions.

“No. I don’t think it’d be a good idea, I know my mom still thinks we shouldn’t be together even if she’s pretending she’s happy for us.” Then again, Niall had barely talked to her the last couple days.

“Did you ever tell Liam the truth? About your conversation with your mother?” Funny that he had asked.

“No.” Niall admitted again, not even feeling bad about it right now because he felt bad about a whole ton of other things.

“Jesus Christ.” Zayn sighed, rubbing his hands over his face as he came over while Niall had the hardest time ever to fight back tears, almost biting his lip bleeding. “Niall, what are you doing?”

“I don’t know.” It was true, Niall felt as if he had just been going about life lately just watching it all unfold without intervening, telling lies and hiding things, and he felt as if it was about to blow up in his face any day now. “A lot has happened, but I don’t wanna talk about it, I can’t change it anymore.”

“Why are you not talking to Liam about any of this? Because clearly you’re not, or you wouldn’t be freaking out like this.” Good fucking question.

“I can’t, I- I don’t know what to do anymore, it’s all building up. I don’t know if I still know what I want, Z, I know I want Liam, more than anything, but what if- what if this isn’t meant to be? And I don’t know if I still even wanna become a teacher, and whether I should finish uni or just quit everything, and this job here as well and-“

“And then what? Quit everything, break up with your boyfriend? That’s not gonna make you feel better.” Zayn had sat down next to Niall, and Niall didn’t have to look at him to know there was pity in his eyes. 

“No, but at least I wouldn’t constantly pull everybody down with me, and maybe Liam could find somebody who’s not like this, somebody who can really appreciate what they have in him and not constantly try to find a deeper meaning to it all. I’m afraid I will ruin us, because of the way I am, because I just can’t accept it, because- I’m afraid I’ll forever wonder about my mark. And eventually, it will just be too much for him. And then he’s gonna leave me, and I’ll have nothing, not even a plan for the future or a career I want or- just nothing. I’ll have less than before.” Niall just kept rambling on, and at this point, the tears had already spilled over, but he barely even noticed. “I keep lying to him, about the stupidest shit, and I keep talking about it with everybody except him. I even talked to Harry, at his bloody work in a flower shop. And I’m talking to you again now, while Liam’s at home thinking I’m on my way when I’ve just been sitting here in the back for an hour.”

“I know this is hard, all of it. But, Ni, I don’t think- I understand why you’re feeling the way you do, but I also don’t think this is normal. And I’m not saying it because I wanna be mean or whatever, I’m saying it because I’m actually really worried. You’re having one crisis after the other over this, and I’m not claiming I know how you feel, but you’re making it all sound a lot more dramatic than it actually is. Do you think that maybe… maybe this is about more than just Liam and soulmates?” Zayn said the last part carefully, as if he was scared Niall would freak the hell out, and honestly, he was pretty damn close. 

“I don’t know, okay? If I knew I would’ve fixed it. If I knew how to fix it I wouldn’t be here right now and I wouldn’t overthink everything all day long and be terrified of the future and-“

“That’s exactly what I mean. Maybe you need to talk to somebody, like, get help, because it’s obvious you can’t deal with a lot of things, not only regarding your relationship. And I wish I could help you, but I can’t, I can listen and I can try my best to be there for you, but- honestly, I’m a bit scared what you would’ve done if I wasn’t here.” Now Zayn was making it sound as if Niall was about to do something super dangerous or whatever.

“I would’ve just been sitting here.” Would he have, though? “… you think I need to get a therapist?”

“I don’t know, maybe. It couldn’t hurt, right?” He definitely thought Niall needed one.

“A therapist can’t solve my problems, no one can. Not even I can. No matter how hard I try, I just- I’m gonna end up pushing Liam away, because I just can’t accept that we’re just that. In a relationship, not soulmates. He doesn’t deserve that, he’s amazing and- he deserves better… “ Niall mumbled, the tears already having stopped again because he felt a bit empty inside as he pulled out his phone, typing and pressing send without thinking it through. “… can you still drive me home?”

“Uh, I can drive you to your parents’ place, to Liam’s or to mine, but I most definitely will not drive you to your own place. Unless you let me stay or call somebody to come over.” Niall shouldn’t have told Zayn anything. 

“You can stay.” He told him, because it seemed like the least evil, even if he felt bad about it. “I don’t wanna ruin your night though, I-“

“You’re not, I’ve got nothing at all planned anyways. What did you text Liam?” Zayn asked as he got up, and Niall shrugged, refusing to tell him as they collected their things to walk outside. “I don’t wanna get involved in this, Ni. I want you guys to work this out.”

“I just told him I feel really sick and that I don’t think I should come over and infect everybody. And that I would go home to my parent’s house because I’ve got no medicine at home.” Just so Liam wouldn’t get any ideas and show up to Niall’s place.

“And he’s gonna buy that?” Zayn pulled up an eyebrow, but again, Niall refused to answer.

It was a very quiet drive, Niall completely ignored his phone, had made sure to put it on silent and off vibrate, not having anything to say to Zayn although he wanted to. But there was literally no point to let Zayn in on whatever else was going on, it would have only led Niall to get caught up in theories and false hopes. Again.

“He’s really moved in with you, huh?” Zayn was probably referring to the mess of shoes and jackets by Niall’s front door, but Niall just shrugged. Liam hadn’t moved in, not officially anyways. “What’re you gonna do now?”

“Nothing, what am I supposed to do? I need a beer.” It was Niall’s place, so he wouldn’t let Zayn tell him what to do or what not to do, simply going off to the kitchen to get himself something to drink. There were three missed calls and at least 10 texts on his phone when he put it on the counter, screen down. “Do you want anything?”

“No, thanks.” Zayn told him, simply watching him open his fridge, not saying anything. He was definitely judging Niall right now, but whatever. “So, this is the solution?”

“No. I just want a beer, okay?” Niall tried not to get annoyed but it was kinda hard. The truth was, he wasn’t actually annoyed, he just wanted to forget about everything, most of all about how badly he was treating Liam. 

They didn’t talk a lot in the following few minutes, and Niall almost forgot that he wasn’t alone when he half started crying while drinking his beer, way too fast, and then another one because Zayn made no attempts to stop him. He couldn’t have, anyways. All of this was bullshit, Niall hated himself and whatever he had done, and for what he _hadn’t_ done, and that he was slowly but surely losing it.

Thing was though, alcohol was making him talkative, and this silence had lasted way too long already and Niall kinda hated that Zayn had taken out his phone.

“What are you doing?” He asked, still leaning against the counter while Zayn had eventually sat down.

“Texting your boyfriend that I’m with you and that he doesn’t have to be worried and that I’m sure you will tell him everything when you’re ready.” What?!

“Zayn, what the fuck?! I thought you didn’t wanna get involved, why-“

“Niall, seriously, you do realize how fucked up all of this is, right? You said Liam doesn’t deserve you constantly worrying about you guys not being soulmates, well, he sure as hell doesn’t deserve you treating him the way you are right now. I’ve got sympathy for you, both of you, and your situation, and I understand you don’t know what to do and that you’re feeling pretty lost right now because it’s obvious, but that doesn’t mean I will just not say anything. This is wrong, it will only make things worse, and you know that. Whatever problems you’re having, you’re doubling them right now.” He said it so coldly that he almost made Niall cry. Almost.

“You have no idea what problems I have and whether I’m making them worse or not, you have _no_ idea what any of this feels like, so don’t pretend, okay? I’m not making you stay here and I don’t need a fucking babysitter, I’m fine one my own.” For all Niall cared, Zayn could have just walked out right now and he wouldn’t have said anything.

“Clearly.” Zayn said it in the most sarcastic way ever, almost making Niall explode on the inside.

Instead, he closed his mouth again, taking his beer and another one to go to his bedroom instead. Zayn didn’t come after him, actually, for quite some time just sitting on his bedroom floor drinking, Niall kinda thought Zayn had left, and then after a while, by the time he had finished both bottles and lied face down in his bed, breathing in the faint memory of Liam’s smell stuck to the pillow, of course the tears came. Pretty badly as well.

“Niall… “ Zayn’s voice made Niall flinch, but he didn’t bother lifting his head or quieting his sobs because he was tipsy and emotional and so fucking sad, he thought it was going to actually kill him. “Do you want to talk?”

“N-No… “ It was the last thing Niall wanted.

“I’m sorry if I was too harsh before, I just don’t know what to do or how to help you.” He was coming closer, Niall could tell, but he didn’t care, he just kept on crying into his pillow, pitying himself as usual. “I’m sorry this is happening, you don’t deserve it. Neither of you do.”

The mattress gave in a bit when Zayn sat down, but he didn’t touch Niall, for which he was very happy honestly. Then again, he might have not even noticed at this point because he was busy almost suffocating.

There was more silence, and when Zayn spoke again, Niall almost felt relief. “Can I tell Liam to come over now?”

It took a moment, for Niall to let it sink it, admit to himself that this is what he was craving before he could answer. “O-Okay… “

“Okay.” Zayn agreed, probably also relieved.

“I-If he w-wants t-too… “ Niall doubted it right now, and just the thought made him cry even harder, the thought that Liam could be mad at him or hate him it was… unbearable. 

“Why wouldn’t he-“

“B-Because… b-because I’m a-an i-idiot a-and- I r-really n-need h-him, Z-Zayn, I- d-didn’t mean f-for a-any of t-this to h-happen… “ And then Niall just kept on crying even harder while Zayn was petting his back, telling him that it would be alright, that he was sure Liam still loved Niall, but Niall really only heard half of it.

Zayn did call Liam to tell him to come over here as quickly as possible, and Niall kinda wished he could have talked to him, but then it was already too late and Zayn had hung up the phone again, going over to just rubbing Niall’s back. “I think his mom is driving him, he’ll be here soon, okay? Everything will be fine, Nialler.”

Niall couldn’t answer, but suddenly he was terrified of Liam getting here and maybe being angry, because why wouldn’t he be? Niall was an idiot, and he had made a huge mistake, and he just kept on making mistakes and lying and making shit worse than it had already been to begin with. Sure, Niall couldn’t think clearly right now because he had been drinking and because he was freaking out, but at the same time, he thought his fear was completely justified.

It seemed Liam got here way faster than Niall had prepared himself for, he also just let himself inside with his spare key, making Niall’s heart stop, not having been able to stop crying by now though. If anything, it had gotten worse and Niall was about to have a full fletched anxiety attack.

“Niall? Zayn?” Liam’s voice wasn’t really making things better, because Niall was still terrified about his reaction, so when he heard him coming in, he was sure he had never been more embarrassed and scared in his entire life. “What-“

He cut himself off immediately, and Niall had no idea what was happening, Zayn and Liam were probably looking at each other or whatever, it didn’t even matter anymore. This was both terrible and embarrassing and just- Niall couldn’t actually believe any of this was happening and he refused to lift his head and look at anybody, because he wouldn’t have seen anything through his tears anyways.

He felt Zayn getting up off the bed, and he was 99% certain he heard him whispering to Liam, something along the lines of “He’s been drinking, and I don’t know what’s really going on, but I know he loves you and he thinks you’re angry at him. You guys need to sort this out before it gets out of hand.”, but Niall pretended he hadn’t heard any of it, because what would he have said anyways? His throat was too tight to make a sound other than sobbing.

Then there was silence, and Niall flinched again when he felt the mattress move, but this time it wasn’t Zayn, it was Liam, and Niall could tell even before he lied down next to him. 

Liam didn’t say anything at first, he just ran his fingers through Niall’s hair and down his back, moving in closer until he could press his lips against Niall’s head and his temple, and anywhere he could reach. “You don’t have to say anything, I just want you to know that I’m not mad and I love you and I’m here.”

“I’m s-sorry…” Was all Niall choked out, now having to cry even more because he definitely did not deserve Liam being so sweet right now. Actually, he definitely didn’t deserve Liam at all.

“Shh, it’s okay. Everything’s okay. I love you so much and it’s going to be fine, baby, I promise.” Niall doubted that, but he tried to let himself be comforted by Liam’s words, let himself be manhandled a bit so they could actually cuddle. 

It was nice, that Liam was just letting him cry it out into his shirt, making sure to tuck him in and just hold him tight, occasionally kissing him wherever he could reach, telling Niall how much he loved him. Pretty sure Niall was the last person on earth who deserved this right now, but it didn’t stop him from managing to at least calm down enough to eventually fall asleep on Liam’s chest.

\--------------------------------

Liam was awake probably half the night or maybe even longer, it sure as hell felt like he had slept for maybe an hour, pretty much waking up every time Niall did as much as breathe a little bit too loud. He still had no idea what was actually going on, but he had had enough time to think about it watching Niall sleep and had come up with his own version.

It was obvious that Niall hadn’t wanted to meet his mother and sister, which was fine, but Liam felt bad because he hadn’t realized that Niall had agreed against his will, he hadn’t said a word about being this worried. Liam would have never pushed him to do it, hell, he was too terrified to meet Niall’s mother as well, so he really got it.

The thing was though, judging by Zayn’s involvement and Niall’s very heavy reactions to it all, Liam knew that there had to be more to the story, and he was a little terrified of finding out.

Liam made sure to turn off all alarms, both on his phone and on Niall’s, trying not to wonder why Niall had a text from Harry on his phone asking how he was doing. Nothing could have truly shocked Liam anymore now if he was being honest.

Niall only woke up at like 1 in the afternoon or something, and Liam had left twice to use the bathroom and then come back, relieved that he had made it in time to be there when Niall slowly opened his eyes. He was still holding him tight, watching his face closely as he leaned down to kiss Niall’s forehead, and then his cheek. “Hi… “

“Mmhhh… “ Was all Niall made, clearly still in the process of waking up, but Liam knew the moment last night came back into his mind because he could feel the younger boy freezing up in his arms, turning to press his face against Liam’s neck instead. “… how late’s it?”

“Like, one in the afternoon.” Liam told him truthfully, tightening his arms when he felt Niall starting to move.

“Shit, I had a class-“

“You can miss your classes for one day.” Immediately, Liam felt Niall become loose again in his arms, probably seeing no point in arguing with him right now. 

There was silence, a whole lot of it, and Liam didn’t wanna push it or make Niall talk right after waking up, so he decided to stick it out, let the younger boy decide when he was ready.

“I’m sorry. About last night and- about everything. I got really scared and… and I didn’t wanna disappoint you or your mom and… it was just too much. And I didn’t know how to tell you...” Niall whispered eventually, somewhere against Liam’s skin and Liam felt his throat tightening as he hugged Niall closer. “I’m sorry I lied and- I didn’t have to stay longer, I just… I couldn’t bring myself to actually leave work on time… please don’t be mad at me, I get it if you are, but I really am sorry and-“

“I’m not mad, Nialler. Not at all. I’m also not disappointed.” Liam interrupted before Niall would get too much into it and start crying again because it had been a terrible sight last night. “I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that you couldn’t tell me you didn’t want to do that. You can tell me everything, Ni, I’ll always be here and I’m on your side. I was really worried last night, and I’m just happy nothing happened to you. And if you don’t want to you never have to meet my family, I would never make you do that if you didn’t want to. I’d never make you do anything you’re not comfortable doing.”

“I know… “ Niall whispered, sniffing a bit towards the end, pulling on all of Liam’s heartstrings at once. “I know you’d never do that, I know- I trust you. I really do, I don’t know what I was thinking last night, I was just- I was terrified of disappointing you and I know I did and I’m sorry you had to explain that to your family and that Zayn had to be the one to tell you to come over and that I was drunk and crying. And I’m sorry that I’m always such a mess and- you deserve better.”

“Niall-“

“No, you do. I don’t care if you think otherwise, I know it’s true.” He said it in a way that made it sound final, as if nothing Liam could have said would have changed his mind, and when he lifted his head to look at him, Liam saw tears in his eyes. 

“You don’t get to decide that.” Liam told him, because he wasn’t just going to let Niall talk himself down like that.

“No, but it doesn’t make it any less true.” He insisted, quickly wiping away a tear that had escaped before putting his head back down and Liam had to swallow hard. Niall was wrong, but he was convinced he was right so badly that Liam didn’t know how to let him know. “I’m afraid I will ruin us because of the way I am.”

“Ni, what are you even talking about? Can we please just- can we just talk about _everything_, for once? Just say everything that’s on our minds and talk it through? Please.” Liam felt a bit desperate because Niall sounded so hopeless and it was making him feel rather hopeless in return as well.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Li. It won’t change anything. I love you, I really, really do, more than I ever thought I could love anybody. And right now it feels like I’m the luckiest person alive to get to be with you, but then something happens and I’m reminded of this soulmate crap and- and then I freak out again. It just keeps happening. And then I keep overthinking, about everything in my life and my future and I panic and it’s just- it doesn’t feel fair on you. I wish you could be with somebody who didn’t care about this soulmate stuff and who could just… who could just accept it at all the way it is.” He was talking quietly, but every word still felt like a dagger in Liam’s heart anyways.

“I care about it as well. There’s not a day where I don’t think about it, Ni, you’re not the only one whose worried. And I don’t want anybody except you, you’re not a mess and I know we can figure this out because I really love you too. Okay? Can we please just talk about it?” Liam was begging now because he didn’t know what else to do and he didn’t wanna start crying so he held Niall tighter, needing to hold onto him so he wouldn’t go insane.

It felt like Niall was trying to say something really terrible, and Liam couldn’t allow that.

The younger boy took a breath, seemingly having to think about it, and when he spoke up again, Liam was a little shocked, but he still kept on listening without interrupting. Niall told him about how his mother hadn’t at all been happy about them at first, how he had first lied about that and then later had lied about texting Zayn, when he had really met up with him while Liam had been sleeping. And how he had then met up with Harry as well, what they had talked about and how Niall had tried to come to terms with it all, live Harry’s philosophies of life, but it clearly hadn’t ended up working out.

“I’m sorry I just kept on lying, I- I didn’t want you to know how worried I was… “ Niall half whispered and Liam needed a few moments to let all of this sink in. “I think maybe that’s why I’m so scared to meet your family… because I know what my mom is gonna think about it all and- I’m just so sorry, Li. I shouldn’t have talked to everybody about it except you, but it always keeps building up and I feel like I’m gonna burst and I just have to tell somebody and… and I was hoping somebody would have a solution to it all… I was wrong, clearly. And I know there’s no solution, and we will never know the truth and… and I know it shouldn’t matter, but I can’t stop thinking about it… “

“So… so what you’re saying is… “ Was all Liam could say because his head felt a bit dizzy and he didn’t even know anymore what to think, didn’t know anymore what to do.

“That I’m sorry and… and I understand if you’re mad at me. I would be really mad at me. And you do deserve better.” Niall sat up all of a sudden, so quickly that Liam couldn’t hold him back. And as he was looking down at Liam with this sad expression, it broke Liam’s heart. “I know this is messed up and it feels so fucking stupid, but I- I hate myself so much for all of this. I love you, so much, and it feels so terrible knowing I lied to you and it seems so unfair that I feel the way I do… I want the best for you, and it’s clearly not me.”

“Okay, but you can’t decide what’s best for me. Because I want _you_ and nobody else, alright? I don’t care that you lied, I know why you did it and I’m not upset, I get it. I know it sucks and I know we will always wonder, but I want to be with you and nobody else, and that’s my decision. It’s your decision if you want to break up with me or not, but I won’t do it, because I love you and I know what I want. And I know you feel lost sometimes and hopeless and I wish I could take that away, but all I can offer is that I’ll be here for you, always, and I’ll support you if you decide to talk to somebody about it.” Liam had sat up as well now, fighting back tears as he took Niall’s face between his palms, forcing him to look him in the eyes. “I won’t allow you breaking us up over this, unless you really don’t wanna be with me anymore or you don’t love me.”

“I do wanna be with you and I love you… “ Niall whispered and Liam caught a tear with his thumb as the younger boy took a shaky breath. “But-“

“Then there’s not but’s. From now on we will talk about things, about everything, whatever it is. And we will not get caught up in theories about _what if’s_, it will just be you and me and that’s enough. Okay?” Honestly, Liam wasn’t as convinced by his words as he was making it seem, but Niall still nodded while more tears were pooling in his eyes and he leaned forward to kiss Liam on the mouth, just briefly before hugging him so tightly that they almost fell backwards on the bed.

“Okay… I’m s-sorry-“

“And you need to stop apologizing.” Liam told him jokingly, and Niall let out something like a sob that sounded like a laugh.

For a moment, holding Niall tightly and having him close, Liam was hopeful that maybe they could really make it work, just talk about everything from now, and that over time, it would get a lot easier. Somehow though, the weird feeling in the depth of his stomach simply wasn’t leaving him alone.

\---------------------

“Hazza, look at this.” Harry had to refrain from sighing as he looked up over the edge of his laptop to stare at whatever Louis was making the neighbor’s cat do now. It was funny really, because it taken him an entire week to get Louis to agree to babysit the cat while their neighbors were away, and suddenly they were inseparable. “I just taught him that in 10 minutes.”

“That’s great, Lou.” Not exactly that great to make a cat stand on its hind legs when holding a snack, but Harry wouldn’t ruin it for him now. “If you’re a cat whisperer, does that mean we can get our own cat?”

“Only if we also get a dog.” So no.

“Our place is too small for a dog, it would get miserable. And you only want those massive dogs, if we got a smaller one-“

“Okay, okay, I can wait until we’re in a bigger place. But I think our kids should grow up with a dog.” While talking, he was still making the neighbor’s cat do “tricks” and Harry watched for a couple seconds, biting back a laugh before staring back on his laptop screen. 

When Louis came over a few minutes later, Harry was so caught up in what he was reading, he almost flinched when his boyfriend moved the entire couch by falling on it, half leaning on Harry’s arm and keeping him from scrolling down further. 

“What’s all this?” He asked after a quick look, clearly not that interested in it though. “Are you researching how you might have more soulmate options than just me?”

“No, I’m looking something up for Niall and Liam.” Maybe Harry shouldn’t have told him because he knew Louis’ opinion on it, but he also wouldn’t lie. “I’ve thought about something that I read ages ago, but I can’t properly remember it and I feel like I’m missing some information and I don’t wanna ask them about it, I know it really affects them.”

“According to Zayn Niall can’t even look at his soulmate, they’ve still not met.” Not a surprise to Harry, so he just shrugged, having to use his other hand now to keep on researching. “I don’t know if this is a good idea, you will only make them false hopes.”

“I won’t say anything to them, I just find it interesting myself.” He might have told Niall to make him feel better, but only if it was good news. Ever since their talk, Harry couldn’t stop thinking about it, and then the thing with the toy boat… it felt like they were missing something and he wasn’t ready to shrug it off. “What do you think about it all?”

“Hmm… “ Louis made, absently petting the cat when it jumped on his lap, making itself a bed on his chest. “I’d feel quite terrible as well if I were them and as much as I’m hoping that you or them will find something to make it better… I kinda doubt there’s anything to it all except that they’re in love. And I’m kinda worried about Liam, because if Niall runs into his soulmate one day… “

“I don’t think he will.” Harry shrugged because he genuinely did not think so, it all seemed way too strange to him, this whole thing with Niall’s soulmate and Liam’s mark and… there had to be something, he could feel it.

They spent a couple minutes in silence that was only interrupted by Harry’s typing and the cat purring on Louis’ chest, and Harry could feel his boyfriend’s phone vibrate against his own thigh because of how close they were before Louis took it out.

There were a few more seconds where neither of them talked while Louis checked his phone, and then he sat up straight all of a sudden, making the cat jump right on Harry’s keyboard, closing every tab he had had opened, but he literally had no time to complain. “Lou-“

“Niall’s gone.” Louis told him, with the most shocked expression on his face, turning his phone screen towards Harry before he could have even asked what he was talking about. Well, shit.

_Payno 19:38  
Do you have time to talk? It’s kind of a long story, but Nialls gone. I couldn’t reach him all day and when I went to his place, a lot of his stuff was missing. Zayn eventually told me that he left to stay with his family in Ireland. He didn’t say a word to me and hes still ignoring me… I just really don’t know what to do anymore_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi and also, im sorry! i know this is a really bad cliff hanger, but i didnt want to end the chapter yet again with niall and liam agreeing that they would try to work this out - they very clearly cannot, niall especially. the story is definitely coming to a close now, i dont know if i will need more than two chapters to end it, but ive got something planned for an epilogue as well and idk yet if that will be the 15th chapter or not, but we will see!!
> 
> this is the last chance to leave your theories i think haha, and i cant believe that i YET AGAIN will end this fic right when my last exam is over and i would actually for once have time to write, it seems it always works out that way :p but honestly lately ive really needed writing to help me deal with stress and life in general, so i dont think i will take a break from writing this time! maybe i will finally get around to writing this future band fic, who knows!
> 
> have a great week, i hope you will accomplish everything on your to do lists :)


	14. Chapter 14

Liam kinda didn’t even feel like talking anymore the moment Louis came to pick him up and they spent the drive back in almost complete silence. They could have stayed at Liam’s, but Liam had no idea how to explain any of this to his mother after already having made up the dumbest excuses as to why Niall hadn’t come over after all, and why he couldn’t the following days. So how would he have told her now that Niall had literally left the country?

It was all just… too much. And Liam couldn’t even cry, because he had no energy left to do any of that, he didn’t even know what to think anymore.

It was rare for Louis to not keep asking questions, but he really held back, didn’t ask anything at all in fact until they arrived and Liam wondered whether he should have stayed home instead. He could have also talked to Zayn, but it had been obvious that Zayn had told him very unwillingly where Niall had gone, probably having gone behind Niall’s back.

Which made all of this even worse, to think that Niall had told Zayn, but told him to keep quiet. As if he had no clue what he was doing to Liam by running away like that, not even letting him know that he was alright. God knows what could have happened, but it seemed Niall had simply had enough of it all.

And he wasn’t even willing to talk about it, had probably been pretending the past few days because there was no way he could have just booked a flight this morning. That was probably what hurt the most, the fact that he had been planning this, telling Zayn about it and wanting Liam to be left behind clueless.

Then again, Zayn had been denying all of that and then told Liam it wasn’t his place to say more, so who even knew what was going on at this point.

“I’m back and Li- oh, sorry, we’re watching the neighbor’s cat, I forgot to tell you.” Liam was surprised upon entering and being almost pushed aside by Louis as he tried to close the door quickly before the cat could escape. This was so fucking random and yet it almost made Liam laugh. “He can’t go outside, he’s- anyways. He’s really friendly.”

No idea if that was a suggestion for Liam to pet the cat, but he was already doing it anyways, a bit distracted for a moment, so he just ended up picking it up as Harry came from the other room. The expression on his face made Liam wish he hadn’t said a word. He didn’t need pity, he just… he had wanted to talk, but now he was clueless.

“Hi… I’ll leave if you wanna talk to Louis, it’s-“

“No, why would you leave? It’s fine, I, uh, I don’t even really know if I have much to say. I kinda just didn’t know what to do and I- I didn’t wanna be alone.” Liam admitted, a bit relieved that the cat was just staying in his arms like that, seemingly not caring. “That’s a really cute cat.”

“Don’t say that, Harry is gonna make us get one.” Louis sounded a bit panicked and Liam laughed briefly, but he even realized himself that it sounded empty. 

“Am I really not bothering you guys? I never even asked if you’re busy.” Well, Louis wouldn’t have come if he had been busy, right? Then again, they had probably expected Liam to be crying and having a breakdown and here he was, petting their neighbor’s cat. But really only because he felt numb inside, not because he wasn’t missing Niall with every fiber of his body and felt the urge to text him a 48392th time. 

“We’re not busy at all, we’ve not been doing anything. Lou’s been teaching tricks to the cat.” Harry joked, shrugging, the expression on his face still there though. “Do you want anything to drink? Are you hungry?”

They ended up sitting in the living room, the cat curled up on Liam’s lap while he absently pet it, Louis was eating leftovers, a bit too fast, and Harry was drinking tea, all of them avoiding the elephant in the room for way too long. Apparently, none of them wanted to be the one to ask Liam about it, and Liam wasn’t sure if he even wanted to be asked.

He kinda couldn’t avoid it anymore though when Zayn texted him, his phone lightning up on the coffee table, making all their heads turn in union.

_Zayn 21:19  
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you immediately. I don’t know the whole reason either, I just know he would never wanna hurt you, it’s the opposite. If you need anything I’m here_

Liam just read the message, at first not wanting to react at all, but it only made it all too real once more. 

“I just don’t understand what Niall thought I would do. Like, if he expected me to just not care if anything happened to him… it’s crazy.” Seriously, he must have known Zayn would tell Liam anyways, it hadn’t taken THAT much convincing.

“He probably already regrets it. I doubt he was thinking clearly when he decided to do it, and now it’s like, he can’t really just pick up the phone, say sorry and come back, can he?” Louis was right, but on the other hand, what else did he wanna do?

“He literally left the country, he must have been thinking about it for a few days at least, while he was pretending it was all good, it’s just- I just don’t get it.” Seriously, after their talk, when Niall had clearly been on the edge of breaking up with Liam after not coming to meet his family, things had been good, normal. So obviously today had come out of nowhere, and Liam had seriously thought something serious had happened to Niall. “I was so scared today when I couldn’t find him anywhere and he wouldn’t respond to texts and had his phone turned off, and he doesn’t even seem to care… like, what do I do now? He’s just… gone. He’s ignoring me, he clearly doesn’t even wanna see me or talk to me, so like, is it over? I just… I don’t get it.”

“But do you have no idea why he did it?” It was Harry who asked, and Liam looked at him, for a moment wondering whether he and Niall had talked about more than Niall had admitted to him a few days ago. Who knew how many more secrets there were that Liam didn’t even know about? Could he even still trust anybody at this point?

“I know why he did it.” It wasn’t hard to guess, but Liam just didn’t get it because… was it his fault? Did Niall really and genuinely think Liam would find somebody better? “He thinks that… he thinks it’s not fair on me, that he can’t let go of this soulmate thing. It’s really eating at him, and then Zayn met his soulmate as well and- it all got too much for him. But we- we talked about it, so many times, and he agreed to meet my mom and then he didn’t show up and had a mental breakdown a couple days ago and… it all got out of hand. I thought we’d be able to figure this out, but… but maybe we can’t. And maybe he realized that sooner than me and that’s why he just left.”

There was silence, but Liam barely even noticed because his thoughts were running wild, and there were still no tears in his eyes, but he was probably stroking the cat a bit too aggressively now. It wasn’t complaining though.

“Liam, I… “ Harry started before clearing his throat, and before he even continued, Liam knew what he was about to say. “I have to tell you something.”

“You don’t have to, I already know. Niall told me.” Liam shrugged, not even looking at Harry because he had long moved past this, it didn’t matter anymore.

“Wait, what?” Louis sounded very confused, and Liam suppressed a sigh as he had to listen to Harry’s version of how he and Niall had talked, a very brief one though. “Why’d you never tell me that?”

“Because it’s none of our business. But Niall was really desperate to hear my thoughts and I’m sorry, Liam. I shouldn’t have done that, or made sure he would tell you about it immediately. I just felt really bad, for the both of you.” The thing was, Liam wasn’t even upset, had never been upset, he was honestly just sorry that it hadn’t changed Niall’s mind.

“You don’t have to apologize. Niall talked to you about it, he talked to Zayn, and he also talked to his mother, without ever telling me the truth about any of it until a couple days ago. I knew it was all getting to him, I just… I didn’t think he thought he couldn’t talk to me about these things… I don’t know why he thought he had to keep on pretending, as if I didn’t feel the same… as if I’m not scared.” Liam wasn’t just scared, he was terrified. “I thought we’d be able to work this out, and work towards not being so obsessed with this bloody soulmate shit, I thought- but it doesn’t matter anyways. Not anymore.”

“Liam, of course it matters. You will be able to work this, Niall made a mistake, but-“

“He didn’t make a mistake, he made a _choice_, Louis. A very well thought through choice. He tried to tell me already, a few days ago, when he told me about everything he’s been keeping from me and I- he would have broken up with me, if I hadn’t stopped it. I think he only played along because he knew I’d never let him do it anyways… “ It was true, Liam wouldn’t have, not in a million years. “He thinks we can never work out, that he will ruin it, because he will never be able to stop wondering about all the what if’s, or be scared he’ll bump into his soulmate and apparently he also thinks I can just get over him like that, and not care that he literally fled the country and I… I just don’t understand if I ever gave him the impression that he means so little to me that I could just… I just... I don’t know what else to say.”

“I don’t think you ever gave him the impression you didn’t love him, Li. I think he knows that very well. But if he’s so convinced that he will ruin this relationship and hurt you, and that you would never let him break up with you… I think then you already got your answer right there. He thinks this is the only solution from you getting really hurt in the long run, and he’s so convinced by it that he would go to such extreme lengths, and get really hurt on the way as well.” Of course Harry was right, but Liam didn’t know what to say to that, he just rubbed his hands over his face in frustration, probably getting cat hair everywhere. “When I talked to him… it was obvious how much he loves you. I think he would do absolutely everything for you, and in his mind, this is him doing what’s best for you.”

“I know… “ Liam half mumbled, and this was also why he couldn’t have ever been mad at Niall, not even for a second. Because Liam knew he hadn’t done it for a selfish reason, but the complete opposite. “He’s not had it easy in the past and I- I keep wondering if I could have somehow prevented it all from escalating if I had done it all differently, if I had talked to him about getting help from someone, like a therapist or- somebody. In the beginning I thought it was all just his soulmate situation, but I don’t think it is… and it’s so fucking stupid because this is what I go to uni for, literally, and I can’t even bloody tell if my own boyfriend is having mental health issues. All this avoiding and the lying and his anxiety and the crying… fuck… “

“Liam, it’s not your fault, I don’t know what’s going on with Niall or what the reasons behind that are, but I do know that you would have never ignored that on purpose. I also… I doubt he would have taken it well. If you had suggested he gets a therapist.” Harry was right with that one, but it still didn’t mean that Liam shouldn’t have said something.

He had honestly never really realized it until a couple days ago, when Niall had had this breakdown and it had been obvious how much it must have been getting to him for a while now. Sure, Liam had been worried too, but not like that, not to such extremes. And with Niall, everything was always in extremes, and then he kept adding onto it until eventually, it would all get too much. It had happened multiple times by now, and it seemed there was always _something_.

“Probably… “ Liam agreed, staring down at the cat in his lap, trying to think of something else to say, but there literally was nothing left. He couldn’t even remember anymore how much Louis and Harry knew or didn’t know, but it had also kinda lost meaning. “… so what am I supposed to do now?”

The silence following that wasn’t comfortable, for none of them, and Liam almost started crying, but then he didn’t. He knew no one could make this decision for him, or predict what would happen, make empty promises, so maybe it was better if they all stayed quiet if they had nothing to say.

Although Liam had really been hoping his friends would be able to say _something_.

“I don’t know.” Louis was the one who said it, and it was a little bit of a relief, but also, not really, because it wasn’t helping. Then again, could have anything really helped? “Li, I think… I think he just needs time.”

“Yeah, for what? More time to overthink himself into believing that this was the right choice? Because that’s what’s going to happen, that’s what he does.” Yeah, Liam was a little bit guilty of this as well, but with Niall… it was on a whole other level. And now that all of this was so clear, Liam hated himself even more for not having said anything sooner. “What if he’s right? What if we truly wouldn’t work out? And what if he does meet his soulmate? At least he’ll be happy, at least he still has a shot at-“

“Okay, stop. Don’t say shit like that, alright? Don’t talk like it’s already over and done.” Louis had moved closer, but Liam barely even registered it, he was getting worked up now, and he was trying to contain himself, but it was hard.

“But it is, Lou. It is. He left, he’s ignoring my texts and calls, and even if he did answer them, I wouldn’t know what to say, I already said it all. If he truly cannot accept that we will never be more than _just_ dating then how can I change his mind? If this is how he feels? It feels wrong to break up and let it go, I know there is _something_ between us, but maybe… maybe it’s really just because we’ve both never been in love like that. And it’s not that I couldn’t accept that, but apparently, he can’t.” And how was Liam supposed to fight for somebody who would only end up pushing him away? “I love him, more than anything, and I would do everything to be with him, but if this is how he feels… “

“He feels the same about you, Li. Only reason he’s freaking out is because he’s scared he will hurt _you_ with all this soulmate shit in the future. Actually… I’m honestly surprised he didn’t already… you know, his mark-“

“_Don’t_ finish that sentence.” Liam interrupted his friend, just the thought of Niall doing this for him making him nauseous. “He knows how I’d feel about this. He knows I’d never let him do that.”

“But… it would be the solution. To put a stop to his worries, I mean. It would eliminate the chances of him running into his soulmate. Or at least make them super small.” Louis was right, but Liam didn’t wanna keep on thinking about it, suddenly terrified that Niall had actually done something like that, and that that was why he had left. But then he might have as well stayed.

“So you’re suggesting my boyfriend mutilating his own body would be the perfect solution for us to stay together? Lou, it’s not even all about that. Yeah, it’s the main reason why Niall’s freaking out, but it’s more than that. He spent so many years missing his soulmate, wanting to meet them and whatever, and for some reason, when he met me, it went away. And now everybody around us is kinda happy with their soulmate, and meanwhile here we are, apparently not ever being able to have the same happy ending or the same love for each other or who even knows. Niall’s already worrying about the future, and now this is adding even more uncertainty and… it’s just all of it, at once. And I can’t help him because… I feel the same.” Especially now that Niall was gone.

They fell into silence again, and Liam might have let a tear or two drop, but no one commented it. He had honestly reached his absolute limit, like, this was it, or at least felt like it. What more could he have done, or said? The worst part of it all was, Liam knew how much they loved each other, but it still didn’t seem to be enough.

Harry had stayed quiet for a while, which wasn’t unusual for him, but right now it made Liam feel even more hopeless, because if HARRY didn’t know what to say anymore, it was really bad.

“I think maybe I should go home and just… I don’t know. It’s getting late.” It was, but Liam only realized that now, and he also didn’t wanna go home because he knew he’d just lie in bed crying, trying to reach Niall. “Also, it’s pointless to talk it all through again and again when we all already know what’s going on anyways… I will probably just have to wait and see and… and hope that he’ll answer me.”

“I’m sure he will, I really think he just needs a day or two and then he’s gonna regret it and miss you.” Louis was now trying to do damage control, and Liam wasn’t at all buying it, but he just nodded. The thing was, he KNEW Niall missed him, because he missed Niall too, so much that it was almost unbearable. It just made Liam wonder if Niall thought the same, or if he thought Liam would just be able to get over it.

But how could he have ever thought that after everything? They both knew they had a connection, they knew there was something, and yet… 

“Yeah… hopefully.” Was all Liam said after a moment, a little upset that Harry had honestly taken out his phone just now, but maybe that was his cue. “I think I’m really gonna l-“

“Wait.” Harry interrupted before Liam had even made any intentions of getting up, a little confused as he looked at him, and apparently, so was Louis as he looked at Harry’s phone because he was so close to him. “I need to show you something, and I don’t want to turn this into something it’s not, but I also can’t just not say anything. And I think we need to address it.”

“Uh, okay?” What now?

Louis stayed quiet and Harry waited for a moment before turning his phone screen towards Liam, showing him a picture of… Louis as a child? But wait… 

“Do you recognize that boat?” Not again.

Liam felt a bit of rushing in his ears as he stared at the picture, at the toy boat more specifically, and for a second, he thought he couldn’t breathe anymore. “I- I can’t do this again. I can’t get stuck on these theories and-“

“So you do recognize it?” Harry kept pushing, and Liam had his mouth open, but Louis interrupted him.

“Of course he bloody does, it was his! I stole it from him as a child, and then I lost it, it sank in a lake or something. It was broken anyways, it had a hole in the bottom. What’s even going on? That’s the same picture you showed Niall when we were bowling and-“

“Wait, wait, _you_ lost it? You stole it from me?” This was all getting too crazy for Liam. “And why did you show Niall that picture?”

“Yeah, I did, we were kids, sorry. Why’s it all even matter?” Now Louis was getting frustrated, but Harry completely ignored him.

“I showed Niall pictures of you, when you were younger, and there was a picture of you giving Louis a birthday present, and I was going through the pictures fast, but Niall thought he had seen you giving Louis this boat, when it was something completely different. He had never seen _that_ picture before I pulled it up, it was somehow stuck in my memory as well. And he told me about your dream and some boat and-“

“It is that boat, it was in my dream. I already know. In my dream I found it on a beach, the beach in Niall’s hometown.” They both looked shocked finding out about this, but Liam had had too long to get over it all. “We used to go there, well, my parents did when I wasn’t born yet, but we also went once when I was three or something, my mom showed me the photo album and- well, there was a picture of that beach. And of my sister with that boat.”

“Okay, and why are you saying this all so calmly?! Liam, what- does Niall know?” Harry was almost losing his head now, and Liam kinda got it, but he was done making himself false hopes.

“Yeah, well- not about the boat part, I think. But he also never mentioned that picture to me, maybe we both just thought it wasn’t important… um, my mom said she thinks we probably bought it there, in Niall’s hometown.” Liam shrugged because he didn’t wanna turn it into a huge deal, but judging by Harry’s face, it already was. “It’s a coincidence, it-“

“There are no coincidences, not like that. Is there something else? Anything?” He kept pushing, and Liam sighed, but he realized he would have to tell his friends anyways.

So he told them, about the missing postcard, and the contents of all his dreams, like his mother asking him why he hadn’t told her something and how his own mother thought that it was because he had run away as a child while they had been there. And also the fact that she believed all of this had some meaning, but only because he knew Harry agreed with her. 

“Liam, this is madness. Do you even realize that? What all this could mean?!” Yeah, what?

“That me and Niall met before and now we really know we’re not soulmates? And that I dreamed about my mark not being activated while in Niall’s hometown? It all points towards the fact that we’re not soulmates.” While Louis seemed to agree with Liam, Harry completely ignored him.

“Tell me again, all of your dreams, in every detail.” Jesus Christ.

So Liam did, trying not to leave anything out, which wasn’t so hard because he had been having these dreams multiple times after all, even though sometimes new things happened, and he could always freely decide what he was going to do in them.

“What about the boat? Niall said it was a real one.” Harry still had more questions after, and Liam almost wanted to ask him why he wasn’t taking notes if he needed to know this badly.

“Because that’s what I thought at first, it looked really big in my first dream, it was upside down in the sand, like a fisher boat or something. But then I came closer in my other dream, and it was just a toy, with the hole in the bottom and everything. I know it’s all super weird and sketchy, but I have no idea what to make of it. And me and Niall both started to think we were just seeing signs because we wanted to see them. Also, it doesn’t change anything, especially now.” Niall was already gone after all.

“It could change everything, Liam.” Harry sounded so enthusiastic now that it was hard not to believe him, but Liam really didn’t want to. “You have to tell me everything else too, just, whatever you deem important.”

“I don’t know if-“

“Liam, I’m onto something, I’ve been doing research.” Wait, what?

“He has.” Louis confirmed, having coaxed the cat out of Liam’s lap and into his own.

“What research, what-“

“Just tell me.” Harry interrupted again, and Liam had to take a huge breath, kinda unsure if he could still even think of it all, because there was just too much going on. 

So Liam talked, and talked, making connections where there were none, just so Harry would be satisfied, and he had way too many questions the entire time, so by the end of it, he pretty much knew everything that Liam knew about Niall, and about himself, and their relationship.

“So what now?” Liam asked, because there was NO way in hell Harry could make something of this. No fucking way. Judging by Louis’ face, he thought the exact same.

“This is like… it’s like a puzzle. Do you not see that, either of you? This whole thing, it’s clearly signs. And not just the dreams, but everything, the whole theme-“

“What theme?” Seriously? 

“The boat. The beach. Niall used to work at the aquarium, that’s where he ran into me that day. Your first pet was a fish-“

“Are you saying they’re both secretly mermaids?” Louis joked, but quickly shut up when Harry threw a look at him.

“No. But it all fits together. And not just with you two, but with all of us. As if it was all supposed to happen just the way it did, think about it. Why do I work across from Niall’s old workplace and we run into each other and he tells me all this stuff? Why did Louis steal THAT boat from you, out of every toy? Why is that postcard missing from your mom’s photo album and she puts Niall’s inside instead? These are not coincidences anymore.” Well, he was right about that, but it still made zero sense to Liam, so… 

“So what about Zayn?” Louis asked out of nowhere, earning a confused look from Liam, but he shrugged. “He’s involved too, right? What does he bring to the narrative? Or is he just like, a side character?”

“This isn’t a game.” Liam reminded his friend, but he didn’t get much further, because Zayn HAD played his part, as much as Liam didn’t wanna buy into this right now. If it hadn’t been for Zayn, he and Niall might have never become friends like that, Niall would have never taken him to the aquarium that day at the art gallery and so much more. “He-“

“He made it all happen. Between Niall and Liam, made them hang out in the first place, he brought Niall over to our place for that painting, and then the Halloween party and- maybe we should call him.” Okay, wait, no. 

“We shouldn’t, it’s really late-“

“I’m calling him.” Harry announced, and Liam had to bury his face in his hands because this was getting out of hand and Harry was losing his mind and Liam was afraid he’d only end up more hurt in the end. 

He still couldn’t help and stop this tiny flame of hope from growing inside of him, suddenly coming back alive even despite the zero messages on his phone.

\-----------------

No idea why Zayn had decided to come over, it was a mystery to Liam up until the point where Harry had finished filling him in on _everything_ with a surprisingly good memory. He just listened, and nodded, and Liam kinda expected him to just say that all of this was bullshit, or to just laugh, but it seemed he took it very serious. A lot more than Liam and Louis.

“This is crazy.” Was all he said when Harry was finished, but he looked like he really meant it, as if he was really at a loss for words. “I’m not saying I know what all of this means, but I agree with Harry, those are not coincidences. After Niall told me about the two of you, I did some research as well, because he was freaking out so much, but of course it led to nothing. But _this_… this is madness.”

Did Liam even wanna know what had really happened when Niall had told Zayn about them? It seemed like yet another thing he would never find out about.

“We have to figure this out. I’ve read something somewhere and… shit, but I can’t remember the bloody website.” Harry sounded really frustrated, he had turned on his laptop again at this point, Louis had gone back to playing with the neighbor’s cat on the floor and Liam was sitting next to him, just watching occasionally whenever he wasn’t staring at his phone.

It was also kinda weird, to have Zayn here and not talk to him about why Niall had left, or how much he had told him as to why and what his plan was, but Liam didn’t wanna ask anymore because he knew it wouldn’t lead to him finding a solution. Apparently, it seemed as if Harry was his only hope now. Harry and his super old laptop that kept crashing and deleting his browser history.

Great.

It had already been late when Liam had gotten here, but hours had passed since then, and when Liam checked the time and it was suddenly 1:30 in the morning and Zayn was downloading some program on Louis’ laptop to analyse this photograph of the boat better because he was good with pictures and Harry thought it was necessary, he wanted to just fall asleep on the floor.

“… y’know… maybe what all these signs are trying to tell us is that… Niall and Liam were lovers on the Titanic and now they had to find each other again in this life, hence all this talk about boats and water and fish or whatever… wait, does that mean the cat plays a role too? I’m sure he likes fish.” Louis sounded drunk from sleep, he was full on lying on his back on the floor and Liam kinda envied him for it.

“Very funny.” Liam rolled his eyes at him, but he also thought it was getting ridiculous too. “Maybe-“

“Wait a second.” Apparently Harry was taking Louis’ joke a bit too seriously because his eyes had suddenly grown wide.

“Babe, that was a joke, okay? Sorry, I know it was stupid and-“

“No, no, shhh. Wait.” And then he was back at googling something and Liam shared a look with Louis. Not with Zayn, because he was also busy over there trying to figure out Liam’s life for him. And also his past lives now as it seemed.

It was only a few minutes that passed by, but it wasn’t Harry who spoke up first again, it was Zayn.

“Guys, look at that.” He sounded really weird when he said it, so they all scrambled, and at first, Liam genuinely had no idea what Zayn had done to this picture because he had changed the color scheme and just about everything, but when he zoomed in on the boat, it was obvious that there was something on it, very faintly, something that made Liam’s stomach sink a bit. 

“Wait, what?” Louis was the only one who didn’t get it immediately, but Liam was a bit too shocked to answer him.

“Those scratches look like N and H. It has Niall’s initials, I wish I was making this up right now but considering everything else… maybe it means that-“

“That they met before. As kids.” Harry finished the sentence for Zayn, but before Liam could have taken that in and tried to figure out what to do with it, his eyes met Harry’s, and he had never seen the other boy this way before when he stared straight at him. “I figured it out, Liam.”

\--------------------------

_To Liam 02:22  
Im so sorry for everything and I truly love you and I want nothing more in the world than to be with you and I know it doesn’t look like it right now because I just ran away but I just didn’t know what to do anymore. I really am scared I will ruin us and I don’t know whats wrong with you me, I just want the best for you and I know its not me. I know what I did was terrible and I miss you more than I could ever tell you, i thought it would hurt less if I just left without saying anything. I know I was wrong about that, but I still think that eventually, I would have messed it all up, and you don’t deserve that. you deserve somebody who doesn’t always wonder about all the what if’s because you’re the best person I have ever met, and I am so grateful for every minute we spent together. I hope that eventually you will see I was right and that you will find somebody who doesn’t need to be fixed, somebody who makes your life better and not harder like me, somebody who won’t ever hurt you like that. im sorry_

Niall could barely remember writing the text message the next day, after maybe having slept for 3 hours or something. He was a wreck and everybody knew, he had been forced to tell everyone in his family about Liam and whatever else was going on. And the saddest part was, they all seemed to support his decision of having run away like a coward.

Niall’s mother especially, and he knew it was nothing against Liam, they didn’t even know him, but it was still hard to know how much everyone had wanted him to break up with Liam. Not that he had done it, he had avoided all confrontation and just… ran.

He had called his boss at the restaurant, telling him he couldn’t come in this week because he wasn’t doing well and it wasn’t a lie after all, was it? Niall had actually never felt worse in his entire life, not even after his soulmate mark had activated. It seemed he really had less now than he had had before meeting Liam, because now he wasn’t just lonely, he also knew just how it felt to NOT be lonely.

“Niall, you don’t have to work here, you know that, right?” Niall’s aunt was clearly worried about him, it had taken quite a few attempts to convince her to let Niall work at the bed and breakfast today, after he had only arrived yesterday, but what else was he gonna do? Spend his time on his own and overthink while bawling his eyes out? No, thanks.

“I know.” He told her, not stopping to clean the window though, it was kinda therapeutic really.

“You look terrible.” She told him after a moment, and she was probably right. Niall’s eyes were still burning from crying the entire night, they were red and puffy and he also hadn’t showered or changed his clothes. So, yeah, everything was just great. “So, what’s the plan? Your mother told me you had a mental breakdown, and I didn’t wanna ask too many details yesterday, but… “

“I’ve had multiple breakdowns, I think.” Niall was being honest, because it truly didn’t matter anymore. Nothing did. “I have no plans. Maybe I’ll just quit my job and drop out of uni and just stay here for the rest of my life. You wouldn’t even have to pay me, I’d just need a place to sleep and-“

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Niall’s aunt interrupted him, but he simply shrugged because he had truly meant it. “Tell me about this boy.”

“I don’t want to. It doesn’t matter anymore, he hates me now and he should. I was a terrible boyfriend and he deserves way better.” It would have made Niall cry again, but he seemed to have run out of tears last night. “Also… we would’ve never worked out in the long run. Because of this soulmate mess.”

“Why? I thought you said he will never meet his soulm-“

“Can we just not talk about this? It feels like I’ve done nothing except talking and thinking about this for _months_.” Niall couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t take just one more person coming up with stupid theories or empty words. “It’s done. It’s over.”

It maybe hadn’t been yesterday, when Liam had texted him countless times and tried to call him, but he had been ignoring Niall’s message the entire day now and… well, it was obvious what Niall had been implying with it, without actually spelling it out, because he wouldn’t have survived it. Breaking up with Liam was honestly the very last thing Niall wanted, and it also felt wrong and terrible, but if he truly loved Liam, he’d rather hurt them both now than hurt them even more in the future.

Also, Niall wasn’t worth crying over, and surely Liam would realize that rather sooner than later.

“And he just accepts you leaving and breaking up with him?” Way to pour salt in the wound.

“He has to, it was my choice.” Niall told her, scrubbing the window a bit more aggressively now.

“Well, alright, I won’t ask anymore questions. Tell me if you want to talk or… just don’t do anything stupid, okay?” She sounded even more worried now, but what did she think Niall was going to do?!

He didn’t answer, just waited for her to leave him alone before he took a break, his arm hurting as he checked his phone like the pathetic idiot he was, wanting to toss it across the room when there were no new messages except the three from his mother and the two from Zayn. Niall didn’t know why he even cared at this point, why there were tears burning in his eyes yet again, because what did he expect?

He had brought this upon himself, HE had done this, it had been all him. So why did he want Liam to text him or call him, when it wouldn’t have even changed anything and just made it all harder? Niall would just have to live with these consequences now, with the knowledge that he had messed up what felt like the love of his life.

Just because he would never have certainty, just because it seemed nothing was ever good enough for Niall, and he hated himself for it.

He stayed at the bed and breakfast cleaning already clean spaces until the sun was almost about to set, and even then Niall kinda wanted to just crawl in bed and bawl his eyes out, so he decided to go outside instead, just to keep himself busy somehow. Yeah, he could have talked to somebody in his family, but what would he have even told them? There was literally nothing left.

Niall thought about texting back his mother or Zayn, but he never ended up doing it, he just wandered around town, all the same ways he had walked so many times, but he had never felt so empty doing it. It was still light out, so there were a lot of people on the streets still and Niall kinda hated being greeted multiple times, so eventually, he had to wander off a bit.

He really did not wanna go to the beach because he just knew he would have started to cry the moment he saw it, but it still kinda happened anyways, and Niall blamed the wind for his eyes getting watery on an instant.

He didn’t go down to the water all the way, he just stopped at some point, absently watching a few kids playing in the sand near the pier, where Niall used to play when he had been little as well. This was terrible, all of it, he had never felt so clueless about his life, or his future, had never felt so hopeless, and it was almost unbearable. Niall couldn’t even movd anymore thinking about it all, could barely even breathe right now, because he felt torn apart on the inside.

The wind was blowing, so that was all Niall could hear, and the water rushing, and some seagulls above his head, one of the kids screaming about getting wet, and somebody saying something behind Niall. 

“It’s crazy how much this looks like it did in my dream.”

Almost immediately, Niall spun around, with his heart almost bumping out of his chest, genuinely thinking that he was having hallucinations as he covered his mouth with his hands, like in some cheesy romance.

“Liam… “ Was all Niall brought out, not being able to believe his eyes, so he just froze, he just stood there, staring at Liam having stopped a few steps away from him, hands buried in his pockets.

And then they just stared at each other, and Niall had a billion things to say, but he said none of them, he just finally let those tears drop down his cheeks, and let himself be overcome with guilt and shame and self hatred. But also pure love for Liam, and so much relief, it made him cry even more, silently. 

“I’m sorry if you didn’t want me to come. And if you really thought I would just give up on us like that.” Liam was the one who broke the silence, coming just a bit closer, and he looked close to tears also. “If you really want this to be over, Niall, you will have to tell me to my face.”

“I… “ Niall started, slowly letting his hands sink, still not having gotten over his shock of seeing Liam here, right in front of him. “I’m s-sorry… “

“Don’t say sorry if you don’t mean it, if this is really what you want then tell me.” He continued, and Niall opened his mouth, but nothing came out, especially not when he saw the pained expression on Liam’s face. “Niall, I love you, more than anything in this entire world. And I wouldn’t have come if I didn’t know you loved me too, and that for some twisted reason you truly believe that this is best for me, that you can somehow save me from getting hurt. You leaving without saying a word and trying to end it over a text message… that hurt more than anything else ever could have.”

“I know… “ Niall whispered while he felt hot tears on his cheeks that he didn’t wanna wipe away. He couldn’t even look at Liam anymore now because he was so disgusted with himself. “I’m so sorry… for e-everything… I don’t deserve y-you, I never c-could… I will s-screw it u-up, L-Li… I didn’t- I didn’t know w-what to d-do. I still d-don’t… I l-love you. S-so much, you don’t e-even k-know… but I… but I’m s-so s-scared… a-and I just… something is w-wrong w-with me… and you shouldn’t h-have to s-spend y-your life t-trying to make m-me feel b-better… “

Liam didn’t answer, but Niall felt his eyes on him as he half sobbed, half choked on it as well, now having to wipe at his cheeks after all because they were starting to burn from the tears and the wind, but he didn’t come very far. Liam had come closer so fast that Niall almost flinched when he cupped the younger’s face in his hands, only making Niall cry even harder because seeing him up close after not being sure if he ever would again… it was too good to be true.

“Niall.” Liam started, rubbing his thumb across Niall’s cheek, waiting for Niall to calm down a little bit, his face soft. “Nothing is wrong with you, okay? And I’m saying this in the most loving way possible, but you don’t get to decide what is best for me. And you don’t get to decide how I choose to spend my life, or what I want. If you really and truly don’t want to be with me, you have to tell me, and you have to tell me right now, because I would never want you to do anything you didn’t truly want. But if you do wanna be with me then you have to mean it, and you have to let me be there for you, and be willing to communicate, and you can’t do this ever again. I love you, I wanna spend my life with you, I don’t care about the future or whatever will happen. I want you, right in this moment, and for as long you’ll want me too. And I know there are no guarantees for anything, and that you’re scared, and so am I, but that is just life. And I’m not willing to give up on us because of that, I love you too much for that. But it’s your decision in the end.”

Niall had thought he could stay stubborn, he had thought he would be able to go through with this, but now he was just staring into Liam’s eyes, letting his words sink in, and there was nothing he wanted more than to just give in, and promise Liam that he would never do this again, that it would all be good now, but… what if it wouldn’t be?

“W-What if… w-what if i-it g-gets b-bad again and I- I n-never know h-how I’ll r-react, I- there a-are days w-when it’s a-all g-good a-and then suddenly… “ Suddenly it all went downhill again, and Niall was freaking out and breaking down and he didn’t have to continue, because he knew Liam knew what he meant.

“I know you’re struggling, Ni. And I’m so sorry I can’t do anything about it other than just promise that I’m here if you need anything, but I truly think that… I think you need to talk to somebody who can help you better than me. A professional. And I know you don’t want to hear any of that, but I know it’s all gotten too much for you, and I’m so sorry I didn’t say anything before all of this. I know it’s not just about me or soulmates or whatever else. I really wish I could make it stop, Ni, and that I could make you feel better and stop these thoughts. I can’t, but I’m here supporting you through whatever you need, always. We can make this work, Niall, if you want it to as well. I know we can.” He sounded really sad saying all of this, and Niall just kept staring at him, not knowing what to say.

Eventually, Niall just broke out into a sob, and he moved forward to wrap his arms around Liam’s neck, so tightly as if they hadn’t seen each other in weeks rather than a day, just clinging to him without saying a word, crying into his shoulder. 

Liam didn’t say anything either, he just hugged Niall back, holding him tightly, making sure he wasn’t falling apart, and that was really everything Niall needed right now. 

He didn’t know how long they just stood there clinging to each other, or whether he ran out of tears again at some point, but he somehow managed to calm down, regretting everything so much that he felt like he would have to scream.

“I wanna be with you, Li… I love you. I want nothing more than to be with you. I am so sorry for it all, I was freaking out, I know that’s no excuse and no apology and- I will make it up to you, I will-“

“You don’t have to make anything up to me, Nialler. You just have to promise me that you mean it, and that you won’t ever do anything like this again. I was so scared something had happened to you, I didn’t know what was going on, if you really wanted it to be over or not. I’m not mad and I know why you did it, but you can’t do it again, okay? Can you promise me? From now on, you come talk to me, whatever it is.” He said it firmly, and Niall felt even worse as a result, but he knew where Liam was coming from, that he was completely right. Niall had messed up, big time, and he didn’t deserve Liam wanting to let it slide.

“I promise.” Niall told him, hoping that he sounded honest. “I know I hurt you, I-“

“It’s done, Ni. You don’t have to explain it to me or keep on apologizing. I know why you did it, okay? I know you thought it’s what’s best, and that you would save me from getting hurt sometime in the future. I know you think you don’t deserve me and that you will ruin us or something. But you won’t. And you deserve only the best in this world and I will forever be trying to be that. I love you, and nothing can change that, and we don’t have to talk about it anymore, we’ll just do it better from now on. Okay?” How could Niall have not agreed to that, even with all the guilt he still felt?

“Okay. I love you too, Li… “ And now he deserved him even less, but Niall refrained from saying it.

Of course he was happy, and he felt a whole lot better when they pulled apart only to look at each other, but Niall also knew that he’d need to work on himself, and maybe really go see somebody. But he also knew Liam would be there for him, whatever might have happened, and that was the best feeling in the entire world.

Niall couldn’t stand it any longer, so he lunged forward to kiss Liam, so desperately as if it was the last time, but it felt maybe even better than the very first time. Seeing Liam smile afterwards almost made Niall’s heart burst, almost made him cry again, but he held back, he was just looking at his boyfriend, not being able to believe that he had gotten this lucky.

From now on, he would treasure every single second with Liam, and whenever those thoughts would cross his mind again, he would think back to the way he had felt thinking they were done forever, and talk to Liam about it, and they’d figure it out. They had to, right? They were meant to be together, Niall knew it, now more clearly than ever.

\----------------------

They stayed on the beach until the sun had set, and Liam thought about speaking up multiple times, but then he never did. Niall was smiling and he was happy and he was telling Liam all about the town and how much he wanted to show him, and how he wanted to introduce him to his family (only if Liam felt okay with that), and for a few hours, Liam thought about simply never saying a word.

He knew his phone was blowing up in the meantime, but he never checked it just once. He had done it like this on purpose, he had only agreed to booking that flight when Niall had texted him and Liam had had confirmation that the younger boy still wanted him, that he had acted out of love. Then again… he had known that before, and now that he could see things so clearly, it was just even more obvious. He had just needed to know Niall wanted to be with him, even without knowing anything at all, had needed to know that their relationship was worth fighting for for the other boy as much as it was for Liam. 

Liam knew Niall would have come back home at some point, that they would have eventually come face to face again, but he honestly had not wanted to sit around and wait for that to happen, because he knew Niall had been in pain as well, that this had been really hard on him also. Maybe even harder, because he had been the one to make the decision to go.

It was kinda late when they strolled back, not having talked about any unpleasant things or anything regarding Liam being here or what had happened, and Liam actually couldn’t believe his luck holding Niall’s hand while listening to him as they walked down to his grandmother’s house in the street lights.

They were trying to be quiet going up to Niall’s old room, but the house was really big anyways, and Liam had a lot of fun looking around, letting Niall explain things to him, and show him stuff, clearly so excited to have Liam here that it was hard to ever not touch or look at him. Fuck, Liam was so in love with him, it felt like pure magic.

It was only when they were lying in bed together, and Liam was getting tired, that he suddenly felt an urge the speak up.

“Nialler?” He asked quietly, stroking his hand down Niall’s side, and the younger boy just made a sleepy “Hm?” before Liam continued, not having planned this in any way whatsoever. “I talked to Harry and Louis. And Zayn as well.”

“Oh… what’d they say?” Niall sounded a bit nervous, but he stayed with his head on Liam’s chest, an arm across his stomach.

“A lot. So did I.” Liam told him truthfully, almost wanting to laugh now because it felt so silly. “And Harry… he had a few ideas.”

“About what?” Now Liam could feel Niall tensing up a bit before he lifted his head to look at him, clearly confused, and Liam realized he needed to stop dragging it out. 

“He figured it out.” Liam told him straight up, seeing the confusion grow on Niall’s face, so he added something. “Us. He figured us out.”

“Wh- what do you mean?” It was obvious that it came as a shock to Niall, and Liam felt bad for not having told him sooner. But he had needed for them to figure this out on their own first. “You mean… your dream and-“

“Yes.” Liam interrupted, feeling his own heart bumping a bit faster as they looked at each other, and suddenly, Niall sat up straight. “Ni-“

“Wait. Before you tell me… is it bad?” Niall was clearly starting to get scared, hurting Liam’s heart as he sat up as well, feeling his face softening as he reached out to stroke Niall’s cheek. “And are you 100% sure it’s true?”

“It’s not bad, and I don’t think I could be any more sure. It won’t change anything between us because… I know we’ve always known, deep down.” But now that Liam _knew_, he felt stupid for never having figured it out himself. “Do you want me to tell you? I don’t have to.”

“I might die of curiosity if you don’t.” Niall joked and Liam had to laugh, briefly leaning in to kiss Niall’s forehead. 

He leaned back against the wall, pulling Niall in close, not quite sure where to start, so he started at the beginning. “Harry told me about the toy boat, in the picture with Louis. And I never told you I had multiple dreams, different ones than the first one. Where the boat turned out to be a toy boat as well, the same one, actually.”

“Wait- what?!” Niall was already so shocked that Liam didn’t know how he’d take the rest. “Okay, sorry, I- I’ll shut up. Please just continue.”

Now he looked like he might burst if Liam didn’t talk any faster, and Liam had to bite back a smile.

“It had your initials on, Ni. Zayn figured it out, he spent a while analyzing that photograph. And it’s the same toy boat my sister was holding on a picture that was taken here, on the beach, my mom said she thinks she bought it here. And when my sister didn’t want it anymore, she gave it to me and I… I had it with me when we met. When we were three years old.” Now it was getting deeper, so Liam waited a moment for Niall to let that sink in before continuing.

“It’s crazy, but it feels like I remember it now that Harry put all the pieces together. We met on that beach, Ni, I ran away from my parents because I knew I wanted to get to you, even when we had never met before. It’s like I had a dream about it or something because it seems so clear now… we played with that boat, probably put that hole in the bottom and those scratches that happened to look like your initials, as if it was always meant to happen this way, for us to figure out now. When my mom found me she was really angry and I kept throwing fits on that vacation, because I wanted to get back to you, I just didn’t understand why as a child.” 

Liam had to take another pause, because Niall’s eyes were just growing wider and wider and Liam wondered if the memories were coming back to him as well.

“We never went back. Louis stole that boat from me and he managed to sink it when he was on vacation, in some lake. It was broken, so it capsized.” Liam continued, his heart beating a bit faster because telling Niall about it all felt like a fever dream. “All these things that happened, you and your parents moving, you working at this aquarium, my first pet being this stupid fish I had to bring back to the store, me being friends with Harry and Louis and you with Zayn and the postcard and- my parents somehow always coming back here on vacation. It looks like coincidences, but it’s not. We were always meant to meet, we’re meant to be together.”

“Okay, but- but what about… soulmates? Our marks?” Niall was clearly trying hard to be as excited as Liam, and Liam had to take a breath before he said it.

“When I was talking to the others, Louis made a joke, about how we were probably lovers on the Titanic or something weird, and then… Harry figured it out from there. The toy boat, it was always turned over in my dreams, and when Louis had it, it capsized as well, it turned over and eventually sank. It was like a metaphor. We did it all backwards, right? After we met, our relationship, we even joked about it. Our marks… they were always activated. From birth.” Okay, now Liam sounded like a madman, but Niall was listening intently, so he carried on. “When I cut out mine, over time, the connection got less and less because of the damage I had done, and yours should have faded over time if we were soulmates, correct? But it’s backwards for us, our marks looked like they were un-activated the entire time even though they were, so when yours started glowing months after I had cut out mine, it was because the connection was completely gone by that point because of what I had done. This is why I dreamed about my mark looking like a normal mark does when I was on the beach. It was activated, it was a sign.”

“Liam, that- that sounds too good to be true, but… “ Niall seemingly wanted to truly believe the story, but he obviously struggled. “Why would it be backwards, just for us? And why would our marks have been activated before we ever even met? We were what- three years old when we met? If we had been born with glowing marks, our parents would have known about it.”

“We weren’t. We didn’t need to meet to activate them. We’re not soulmates, we never were.” Okay, now Liam sounded truly crazy.

“But you literally just said-“

“We’re twin flames.” Liam blurted out, the term sounding strangely familiar on his tongue even though he had first heard it out of Harry’s mouth last night. “Two halves of a soul. This is why we fell in love so fast, why we always _got_ each other like that, why we had similar experiences when we were younger, and have similar world views. We’re connected a lot deeper than even soulmates.” 

“I… “ Niall started, but then his mouth just stayed open for a little bit as he stared at Liam. “So we… we’re more than… more than just soulmates? But, like… how did Harry figure that out? How did he know about it?”

“He read about it ages ago apparently. It’s not common at all, but it all fits, all the signs were pointing to it, the whole backwards thing… it all makes sense now, everything. I looked it up, the whole concept and it felt like I always knew. Like I just forgot and now it all came back.” Liam could tell that Niall was slowly starting to believe it as well.

“So… that’s why I felt so terrible when my mark activated? Or un-activated. Because the bond was gone? Why did it take months?” The younger boy still sounded confused, but it was obvious that he was a lot calmer now, that the more he thought about it, the more did he realize it all made sense. Liam knew because that’s how he had felt when Harry had explained it all.

“I cut out my mark, but it took a long time to heal and become a scar. It was, uh… deep. And usually, normally, the other person’s mark doesn’t just fade from one second to the other, it takes time… yours probably changed over a couple of months as well, slowly, and you didn’t notice until it was fully glowing. But yes… what you felt was the broken bond. It explains why it went away when we met at the restaurant.” It explained a whole lot of things, if they were being honest, it was the answer to absolutely everything. 

“This is… this is crazy.” Niall said after a while, letting out a breathless laugh, but his eyes were sparkling now. “We spent all this time freaking out over nothing at all and- why didn’t you tell me earlier? At the beach?”

“I wanted you to want this, for us and not because we can finally put a label on it and know we don’t have to worry anymore. We always felt that we belonged together, we always knew deep down, even when we were kids. I never really believed in all this… that some things are meant to be and all this but now looking back… it seems like it was all planned, and everyone we know had their part in it. Our mothers probably met as well, we were born two weeks apart, and my mom was pregnant with me when she was here with my sisters, so... if the connection was that strong, it existed even then. Maybe this is why our marks were already activated.” There was a ton to think about, and Liam didn’t have all the answers either, but the more he thought about it, the more convinced he was. “Or maybe there really is something before we’re born, and we’re just souls, and ours split in half, so we never had to meet to know we’re connected.”

“I… I feel dizzy.” The younger boy admitted, but then he let out a laugh, and Liam just watched him, never having felt this happy and content in his entire life, so certain that everything would be okay from now on that it felt ridiculous that he had ever had a single worry in the past. “This whole backwards thing… do you think it’s there to make sure we didn’t meet too soon? Or didn’t notice too soon? So we could both live our lives until this point, like… for soul growth or something?”

“You have to ask Harry that.” Liam laughed, but he had thought about it all too, he had had hours to do it. And then also on the plane, and trying to find the bus to get to here and somehow it had still all passed by really quickly.

“Now I feel really stupid that we didn’t figure it out ourselves… all those signs and… we just brushed it all off.” Niall sounded a little upset about it and Liam grinned, pulling him close so he could kiss his cheek, hold him tightly.

“Hindsight bias.” He told him, in a joking way, and he knew Niall was rolling his eyes even without looking.

“Stop with this psychology terminology, I’m too shocked to even think about it. You will have to stay up the whole night with me now.” It sounded like a threat, but honestly, it got Liam really excited. 

“I don’t think there’s anything I’d rather do, Nialler.”

\------------------------

_Niall had never had a dream like this, but now he knew what Liam had felt like in his, how it all seemed so real and yet so strange, and he could go and do whatever he wanted. But there really was no need._

_Niall found himself on the same exact beach, in his home town, and everything looked the same, except a few houses seemed to be missing, and it looked more like it had when he had been a child than it did now._

_Nobody seemed to see him, there were lots of people on the beach and Niall let his intuition guide him, not surprised when he was suddenly staring at a much smaller version of himself playing on the playground by the beach, his mom sitting somewhere on a bench, talking to another mother. Niall just watched for a couple seconds, his tiny self building a sandcastle, and then suddenly, little Niall turned his head when another child approached him._

_Liam._

_“Hello.” He was talking quietly, and Niall’s heart was aching as he watched the interaction, watched them looking at each other, a lot longer than he would have expected from little kids. “Do you want to play with me?”_

_“Okay.” Niall was smiling really big as he got up, looking at Liam’s toy boat. “I like your boat.”_

_“Thanks. It’s my sister’s.” Liam told him proudly, and then they ran off together, and Niall knew nothing had happened to them, but it got him a little nervous knowing his mother hadn’t noticed him leaving. And neither must have Liam’s._

_Niall followed as they ran down to where the rocks were, and now he wasn’t surprised anymore about the hole in the boat and all the scratches as he watched them play with it. It was crazy to watch all of this happen in a dream, knowing it was a dream but also knowing it was a memory. Or a glimpse into the past._

_“My name is Niall.” Little Niall told Liam after a while of them playing together. “What’s yours?”_

_“Liam. I like you. Can we be friends?” God, even back then he had been the cutest._

_“Best friends?” Niall asked with a hopeful smile, and Liam nodded enthusiastically. _

_They played together for a while longer, and Niall noticed his little self scratching his back a lot, until eventually, he moved his shirt to reveal his soulmate mark, not glowing, twisting his entire body around to look at it._

_“It’s itchy.” He told Liam, and the other boy looked at it too, making a funny face when he turned almost upside down, staring at it._

_“It looks like mine! But backwards. Look.” He laughed, and his face was red when he stood up straight again. “Mine is itchy too.”_

_Niall stepped closer when Liam revealed his because he had never seen it before. It was hard to tell if it really was backwards or not, and Liam had never said anything about it in reality, but Niall assumed he didn’t have the best memory of it, and it hadn’t been his priority to remember it from his dream._

_They went back to playing a second later, and it really had been that easy, and Niall wondered if they had felt the connection back then, but they must have in some way. They played for a really long time, as if they had known each other all their lives, and it was only when Liam’s mother came that they had to stop._

_“Liam! What are you doing?!” She was understandably upset, and really freaked out. “Why didn’t you tell me? I was so worried!”_

_“But mommy-“ _

_“We have to leave, Liam, come on now! I thought you fell into the water or god knows what!” She had grabbed a hold of his hand now, trying to pull him with her, but Niall was holding onto his other hand._

_“I wanna stay! I wanna play with Niall!” Liam told her, close to tears, and Niall could tell that it had been emotional for both of them. They hadn’t ever seen each other again after all, not for years._

_“Everyone is waiting! Come on now.” She eventually just picked him up, and also the toy boat, and now both Niall and Liam were crying when she carried him off._

_It was Niall who yelled after Liam, probably for the entire beach to hear, at least that would explain why Niall could see his own mother hurrying towards them from the playground. “Are we still best friends?!”_

_“Forever!” Liam yelled back while crying, and Niall would have probably started crying as well, had not everything turned white right after._

Niall woke suddenly, with his heart beating fast, still feeling the sun on his skin as he needed a couple of seconds to re-orient himself, blink his eyes open to realize Liam was lying over him, studying his face a bit worriedly.

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly, rubbing his thumb over Niall’s cheek as the younger boy nodded.

“Yeah, I just- I had the weirdest dream. About us, when we-

“Me too.” Liam told him before Niall had even finished, and they just looked at each other for a moment, letting it sink it before they both started smiling. “You were a really dramatic child.”

“Hey! So were you.” Niall almost had to laugh, and it should have felt super strange, to have the same fucking dream, but nothing felt strange anymore now that they knew. 

“I kept my promise, didn’t I? Best friends, even after 21 years.” Liam joked, and Niall rolled his eyes, wrapping his arms around Liam’s neck as the other boy leaned down to kiss him, laughing against his lips.

“… is it really backwards? My mark compared to yours?” He asked after a few moments of them kissing, and Liam was clearly thinking about it for a moment.

“Could be, I keep forgetting what mine looked like, there are no pictures, I think. And I only saw it again that one time in a dream and briefly in this dream, but also… I never really looked at yours that closely.” He admitted, and Niall knew why, but obviously there was no need anymore to be sad about this, and Liam just started grinning cheekily anyways. “You can take off your clothes and we can check.”

So that’s what they did, with a lot of giggling and kissing, and they didn’t really end up checking Niall’s mark, because it honestly didn’t matter anymore now.

Niall knew that this wasn’t going to magically make their lives perfect, there’d still be struggles, he’d still have really bad days, but he was absolutely positive that they belonged together, that Harry had been right, he could feel it, probably always had. They’d finally do it right this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is it, finally. i hope it wasn't a disappointment! please tell me if something is unclear, there is still an epilogue left where i can definitely address things again, its hard for me to really judge if i left anything out because for me its all been making sense for a while of course, and i have no editor :p
> 
> the twin flame concept does exist, you can google it if you want (also, twin flames vs soulmates is very interesting too)! its probably more for spiritual people, but if you want you can check out the supposed twin flame stages, i made sure to somehow fit niams story to that, but i didnt wanna mention it because i didnt want it to get confusing! also, would you PLEASE look at the title of the fic that i chose before i ever even came up with this ending because i felt like a psychic haha! 
> 
> please please let me know your thoughts, and if theres anything that i forgot that makes zero sense! i hope you will all have a good week, i have my last exam tomorrow and ive really reached my limit haha. thanks for sticking around for this long <3


	15. Epilogue

“Nialler… you have to wake up. C’mon.” Liam’s voice normally wasn’t bothering Niall as much as it was right now, he tried to blindly push his face away so he could sleep some more, but he didn’t even end up finding it. “Babe, we have to leave soon.”

“Hmm… “ Was all Niall made, moving as far as Liam’s arms around him were allowing him to before attempting to blink his eyes open. “How late… is it?”

“Seven.” Liam told him, which almost made Niall wanna roll his eyes because it wasn’t even _that_ late, but he forgave Liam when he leaned down to kiss him on the lips, and then everywhere else he could reach until Niall was laughing. “How are you so tired?! You slept for ten hours.”

“’m just… tired.” Niall mumbled, having to yawn until he was finally ready to keep his eyes open and look at Liam. “I don’t even remember going to bed.”

“Because you fell asleep on me on the couch, I carried you to bed.” The older man laughed, pressing a final kiss to Niall’s forehead. “C’mon, I already let the dog out, and I made coffee. You’ve got five minutes.”

And then Liam just left him, probably well knowing that Niall would follow him eventually, even if he REALLY did not want to. The week was almost over, thank fucking god, because Niall couldn’t wait for half term and his week off. It’s not that the kids were so terrible, although some of them were definitely pushing it, but this school year just seemed to be dragging on and on. 

Niall didn’t make it to the kitchen in five minutes, but in around ten, and Liam seemed pretty pleased with that, having waited to start breakfast until Niall had sat down as well, after briefly petting their dog, Watson, because he was begging at the table as always.

“Thank you for doing all this while I was asleep.” Niall really meant it, and he also felt kinda bad as he reached out to cover Liam’s hand with his own. 

“You’re welcome. And you’re lucky I love you so much.” Liam joked, but he winked at Niall, momentarily squeezing his hand before reaching out for his toast. “My mom called again. She asked what you wanted to eat on Sunday.”

“Nothing, she doesn’t have to make what I like, she can make what everybody else likes.” Niall immediately felt his cheeks heating up a bit, and he didn’t even why. He had known Liam’s mother for over 4 years now and she had always been super nice to him, from the very beginning, after they had _finally_ gotten themselves to tell their families about the whole twin flame thing.

Niall’s mother hadn’t believed in it at first, and it had taken months and a few hundred articles Harry had dug out for her to realize they were right. Now she liked Liam, so it was all good, but it had been a bit of a nerve wrecking time, especially because even though they had finally found a solution to it all, Niall had had to learn the hard way that it hadn’t been a solution to all of his other problems. So he had done what Liam had said, and gone to therapy, and then it had gotten better eventually, after he had wanted to quit after each session and Liam had been an angel listening to his complaints every single week and still supporting him, talking him out of it.

“She only likes you though.” Liam laughed again, and of course it was a joke, but maybe he was a little bit right. 

“Tell her something you wanna eat, then.” Niall settled on that, because he genuinely did not mind. “Or your sisters. Or the kids.”

“The kids will request fish fingers and dry spaghetti.” Right.

“… okay, then just something everybody likes. I don’t want it to be like last time, when I was the only one eating the cake.” How had Niall been supposed to know that Liam’s mother would make something she knew everybody except Niall disliked?! “I don’t understand why she always lets me choose.”

“Because she _loves_ you, Ni, you know it. Nici and her husband live too far away, Ruth comes and goes as she pleases and goes on world trips without telling us, I’m kinda alright, but you’re the perfect son in law. _And_ you’re a teacher, like her. That’s also why she likes Louis so much.” Well, Liam had a point, but still. “I gotta admit though, I’m a little glad your mom doesn’t like me this much.”

“She likes you. She’s that way with everybody.” Niall tried to argue, making sure to drink some coffee though to have his mouth full, but Liam just laughed it off anyways. “She’s glad you exist. That we’re happy. From afar.”

“That went downhill really fast.” Now Liam was laughing even more and Niall just watched him, thinking about how they’d both have to leave for work soon, and he really did not want to. 

“I was just joking, everybody in my family likes you, you know that.” Especially Niall’s extended family in Ireland, they had been visiting together countless times by now, and Niall always kinda felt like he was dreaming whenever they were there because it just felt… right. They had met there after all, and gotten back together and figured it all out so it felt like a magical place to him, walking down that beach, knowing that it was all good now. “So what are we eating Sunday?”

They discussed this for a little longer while eating breakfast, and then they were running out of time as usual and Niall almost forgot all of the tests he had graded last night, which had also been the reason for him falling asleep so early. Or maybe he was just super exhausted from the last few months. 

Liam worked at the hospital, in the clinical psychology department, which was kinda close to the school Niall was teaching at, so Niall dropped him off on the way just so they could spend a little bit more time together. They did both have a car, but whenever their schedules worked out, they usually only took one car and then Niall would just go grocery shopping until Liam could leave or something, he’d find something to do.

“Okay… see you in a few hours.” Niall tried not to pull a face before Liam got out of the car and the older man threw him a soft smile, leaning across the seats to kiss Niall.

“See you in a few hours. I love you.” Liam told him, and Niall returned the smile.

“I love you too… have a good day.” Not sure if Niall would have a good day, but he would try his best. Only two more days until his break.

“You too, baby.” They kissed again even though they were running out of time and then Liam had to leave when another car came and Niall was forced to drive off to his school.

He had finished uni around a year and a half after he and Liam had started dating, and then he had spent a few months working at some terrible school and it had then been Louis who had saved him, putting in a good word for him when someone had left the school he was working at. So now they were co-workers, and at first Niall had needed some time to get adjusted to it, but he was really happy over it now. But he still needed a break once a while.

The school wasn’t too big, so Niall had gotten to know everybody quite quickly, and they were all really nice and most of the kids as well, so he definitely counted himself lucky every time he entered the teacher’s room in the morning.

Niall greeted a few people on the way to his desk, a little surprised to find Louis at his as well, looking half asleep. 

“Hi… what are you doing?” Niall had a few more minutes before he had to leave, so he tried to be quick organizing the things he’d need.

“Nothing, I thought I’d come in early and grade those essays, but… Niall, they’re so fucking bad, I can’t take it.” He made it sound really dramatic too and Niall just laughed at him. “It’s not funny, I’m concerned. Technically they should all fail this class, it’s… diabolical.”

“If they’re all this bad maybe you should-“

“It’s not my fault.” Louis interrupted immediately, groaning when Niall didn’t agree with him. “Okay, maybe it is. Anyways, just go now, I need to finish this.”

“Very polite.” Niall joked, but he did in fact have to leave anyways. 

“Wait.” Louis stopped him right when Niall had turned around. “Are you and Liam still okay babysitting tonight?”

“Yeah, ‘course. Why wouldn’t we be?” Niall never minded babysitting Louis’ and Harry’s daughter and they were really the only people she didn’t throw a fit staying with, so lucky them. They had only gotten her a couple months ago, because the adoption process had taken this long, and Niall had had to admit that he had been thrilled to have a child to practice on before getting his own.

He and Liam weren’t married yet, unlike Louis and Harry, who hadn’t ever even said a word to Niall and Liam about being engaged for _months_. Liam had proposed though, a year ago, but they had both agreed to take it slow and wait a bit longer, until Niall was fully settled in his job and everything, and they had moved into a new place and gotten a dog instead, so that had taken up a lot of time also. Either way, Niall was pretty damn happy with how his life was at the moment.

“Don’t know, maybe you changed your mind. I always feel so guilty for leaving her and going on a date, I know she’s only one and won’t remember it, but still.” He sighed again and Niall felt bad, but he was running out of time now.

“She’ll be fine, Lou, me and Liam are experts by now. Okay? She will probably just sleep.” Or cry for an hour until Niall’s ears were falling off like last time, but it was okay, she was too cute to be upset. “I have to go, see you later. Good luck with those essays.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Louis rolled his eyes and Niall laughed at him before leaving, a little faster than usual because he was running late and usually the kids used that to their advantage.

As much as Niall was excited for his break, as quickly did his exhaustion leave whenever he entered the classroom, and he did in fact end up having a good day at school, but he was also very relieved when Liam was finally back in the car with him and they could go home.

\------------------------

“Okay, she’s already eaten and she should be fine, she’ll probably fall asleep within the next hour. Here’s her bag.” Harry sounded as guilty as Louis looked when he handed Darcy over to Niall even though she was smiling and overall very happy looking. “We’ll be back in three hours and-“

“Just go, come back whenever, we’ve done this more than once.” Liam cut Harry off, already trying to push them back out of the door because they all knew they’d never end up leaving otherwise.

“If anything-“

“We know, bye, have fun.” He told them before closing the door and Niall laughed, re-adjusting Darcy on his hip because she already had the strings of his hoodie in her mouth, smiling when Liam talked to her. “Your daddies really need to calm down, huh?”

“Dada.” Was all Darcy said, because it was really the only word she could say, that and _no_, to pretty much anything ever. 

“She’s so cute, I really gotta give it to Louis, he _knows_ how to dress her.” Both Harry and Louis were amazing parents, as far as Niall could judge that, and he had felt a bit bad about being surprised over just how good Louis was with kids. It was like, they had been born for it, and it did make Niall a bit nervous for when he and Liam would have kids because who knew if he’d be able to do it just as good? “What do you wanna do Darcy, hm? Do you wanna play a bit? Do you wanna play with Watson?”

Usually they always had Watson in a separate room whenever Louis and Harry came over, just so he wouldn’t jump up on them while they were holding Darcy because he was quite a big dog, a lot bigger than Liam had told Niall he would be when they had gotten him. He was still their puppy though, and Niall wouldn’t have given him away for anything in the world.

They did let Watson out of the room carefully, making sure he’d calm down before letting him anywhere near Darcy. She had some toys at their flat too because they had babysat her quite a few times so they had ways to keep her busy while waiting for her to get tired enough to sleep. Then again, she’d probably wake up again anyways as soon as Harry and Louis would come to pick her up, so there was that.

Darcy could already walk and stuff, so it was a little bit exhausting playing with her whenever she was high on energy, but Niall always had a lot of fun watching Liam play with her, taking pictures to send the other two later, and also for themselves. She was kinda like their niece really, because they saw Harry and Louis so often anyways, and sometimes Niall could still not get it into his head that this was his life, that he had gotten so lucky in the end. That all those sayings about everything getting better had turned out to hold some truth after all. 

“Do you think we will be good parents one day?” Niall asked two hours later, when Darcy had fallen asleep in Liam’s arms and they were watching a muted TV, Watson having lied down in front of the couch. 

“Of course. Why wouldn’t we be?” Liam seemed surprised by that question, looking down at the baby sleeping in his arms. “We can handle her just fine.”

“Yeah, but we also only ever have her for a few hours. And never overnight and stuff.” No idea how Niall would manage to get up at night and then fully function in the morning. “You would probably be fine, but I-“

“Ni, you’re great with Darcy as well, what are you talking about?” Now he seemed genuinely confused and Niall felt stupid about his worries, but he couldn’t just make them disappear. “C’mere.”

So Niall half crawled across the couch so he could half lie in Liam’s free arm as well, feeling a little pathetic but also comforted at the same time. “I don’t know, I just keep thinking about it whenever we’re babysitting. You’re so cute with babies and kids in general and I really wanna have kids with you, but then I also start to get worried.”

“It’s normal to get worried over these things, Nialler. I’m worried too. I was also worried when we moved here and when we got Watson and when I started my new job and when you changed schools. It’s okay to not always be super sure about everything.” Liam kissed the side of Niall’s head and Niall tried to get over it, but he wasn’t fully convinced. “And it’s not like we’re gonna adopt a kid tomorrow. And we also don’t even have to adopt a baby, it could be a toddler.”

“But then maybe the child will be traumatized because it can remember everything and will know we’re just adoptive parents and-“

“We’re two guys, Niall. _Everyone_ will know we’re adoptive parents.” Right. “I’m just saying, we have options, and we have time. We have all the time in the world, we’re not even 30.”

“I know… I’m sorry for always overthinking so much, I just… I mean, I’ve got no other thinking available.” Niall joked although it actually wasn’t even that funny.

“I know, love. And there is no need to apologize about any of that, ever, okay? We can talk about anything.” They really could, even if sometimes Niall had to force himself to talk about his thoughts and feelings, but Liam made it easy anyways. He was just that, Niall’s other half. “Do you wanna hold her? It’s kinda calming.”

“Okay… but careful so she won’t wake up.” Darcy was deep asleep anyways so she didn’t even budge when they moved her and they both stared down at her sleeping in Niall’s arms. Liam was right, it was calming to hold her. “At least we can always ask Harry and Louis for help if we mess up.”

“We’ve got a lot of people we can ask for help, Ni. My mother would be thrilled.” Okay, that was a little bit calming, even though Niall wouldn’t wanna ask for help all the time but it was nice to know that they had options. “And we’ve got Darcy to practice, and my other niece and nephew. At least sometimes.”

“They probably forgot about us already again, I’ve seen them like 5 times in total since we started dating. They did call me uncle last time, though.” At least the 6 year old, and it had come like quite a surprise to Niall, but he hadn’t minded it at all.

“You are their uncle, Ni, you’re part of this family. And you’re always gonna be.” Liam said it very sincerely, making Niall smile as he kept stroking his finger over Darcy’s little hand. “We’re gonna figure this all out, we’ve figured everything else out as well, right? We’re gonna be fine, we’ve got each other.” 

“Yeah… I don’t think I’ll need anything else either as long as I got you.” Niall meant it, the last couple years had of course not always been easy, but he felt like with Liam at his side, he could have gotten through absolutely anything.

“And you’ll always have me, babe.” Liam’s voice was soft as he squeezed Niall, leaning his cheek against the younger man’s head, finding his hand so that his finger touched the ring around Niall’s, surprising him a little. “We should get married.”

“What, now?” Niall asked, even though it was like 7 at night and Liam laughed quietly.

“No, but I meant soon. I know you don’t want a big wedding anyways.” It was true, it would’ve stressed Niall out to such an extent that he wouldn’t have even been able to enjoy it probably. At least not the weeks leading up to the actual day. “And I also don’t want one either, I think… we don’t know that many people anyways. And I’ve been thinking about it and I really wanna marry you. If you want to as well.”

“Li, we’re engaged, I already said yes.” Niall reminded him with a laugh, but he knew what Liam had meant anyways.

“I know, but we were waiting and now… now I really just wanna marry you. And we can do it however you want.” Liam promised, still holding onto the younger man’s hand.

“I wanna do it how we both want, not just me… but I really wanna marry you too, Li. We can do it whenever, like, I’m ready.” Seriously, Niall would have married Liam on the spot because he knew they’d be together forever, they had kind of been destined for it. Apart from that though, Niall would have never wanted anybody besides Liam anyways, couldn’t even imagine life with somebody else. “… but we can also make it a bigger wedding, if you want that.”

“I think I really don’t. Also, we can always just have two weddings.” Liam joked, but Niall was pretty certain that he was actually being kind of serious. “I really just wanna make it official.”

“Me too, Li.” He really did, more than anything else in the world, and sitting here with Liam in their shared flat with their dog, babysitting their best friend’s daughter together, it felt like some kinda life that only happened in movies or books.

\------------

“How are things at home?” Zayn asked shortly after he and Niall had met up at the coffee shop.

“Good. Great, actually. You?” Niall asked back, a little absent because he had just gone grocery shopping with Liam before coming here and now he wasn’t sure anymore whether they had really bought everything they had needed. They’d be at Liam’s mother’s place tomorrow, but still, Liam was the one who had written the list and they hadn’t spent as much as they usually did on weekends.

“The same. And I’ve also got a ton of new buyers, I think more than ever before.” He sounded really proud and Niall was happy for him because there had been a time when Zayn’s art hadn’t sold at all and now it was going so great that he really only helped out at the restaurant once a while. No idea how he had managed to stay there for so long without going insane though. “Do you want an autograph before it’s too late and I’m too busy to write them?”

“Please.” Niall laughed, but at the same time he was really hoping that Zayn would become as successful as he had always dreamed of becoming. “Are we gonna need a bodyguard then when we hang out?”

“Probably, yeah.” Zayn said it all serious and whatnot and Niall snorted, taking a sip of his coffee. “What’s Liam doing?”

“He’s at the gym, and then he’s gonna go with Louis to look at this car Louis wanted to buy or whatever. I’m glad no one asked me to come.” Seriously, and Niall knew nothing about cars and he hated the gym as well. 

They did end up talking a bit about Zayn’s girlfriend, who Niall and Liam had met years ago, finally, shortly after they had figured out their twin flame situation and Niall had felt really terrible over having waited so damn long and then suddenly being okay with it. Zayn had been very understanding though, and so had his girlfriend been, and they all got along really well. 

“Kinda crazy, huh? If you think about how we were when we met. And that was only 5 years ago and so much has changed, and you’re engaged and talking about adopting and whatnot.” Zayn was right, Niall had never thought that life could turn around so quickly, and get so much better, better than he had ever dared hoping for. 

“Yeah… I still sometimes have to pinch myself, actually, because I can’t believe it. Also… I might not be engaged for a lot longer.” Niall just HAD to say it because he was actually really, really excited about it, and just for a second, Zayn looked shocked.

“Wha- oh, wow, sorry, I thought you meant- that’s great, Ni, I’m really happy for you. Both of you. Do you already have a date, or… ?” Well, about that…

“We both agreed we don’t want a big wedding or anything, so… we’ll probably do it spontaneously. But don’t worry, I won’t get all upset if you can’t make it or anything.” Also, maybe they’d decide not to invite anybody and just get married on the spot, Niall wouldn’t have minded that at all, he really just needed Liam there, obviously, and then he’d be happy. Maybe also Watson, he was part of their family after all. 

“I’d definitely make sure to come, Nialler, that’s not even a question. But I also wouldn’t be upset if you only want your family there or maybe no one at all. You guys seem like the kinda people to just get married in secret and then tell everybody about it a month later, on accident.” Zayn laughed, but Niall had to admit that that did kinda sound like them. “I mean, you’re kinda like a married couple already anyways. But I suppose everyone who found their soulmate, or twin flame in your case, kind of is.”

“Yeah… we really are lucky, huh? Sometimes I forget _how_ lucky, that all of this turned out the way it did, for all of us.” There were still people out there who never met their soulmate, or who lost theirs, and the thought about the latter did give Niall a little bit of anxiety once a while but Liam was really good at calming him down about it whenever he told him. “I feel a bit stupid for being the way I was before meeting Liam… and then for waiting so long, and for running away.”

“It’s always easy to say that after it’s over, you felt how you felt, Ni, and it still all worked out, right? Maybe it’s good that it all happened that way… who knows? What matters is that you’re happy now. And you are, right?” Niall made sure to nod to that because he had his mouth full of cake. “Have you already planned out your whole break?”

“Not really, Liam’s gotta work, so… I’ll probably just sleep in for a week and walk the dog and clean the flat or something. Just anything that has nothing at all to do with school. You know, it’s crazy because it’s not even been that long since I was still at uni and now I’m kinda on the other side of things.” It also made Niall feel bad for the kids at times for having too much homework or too much to study for because he knew what it was like after all, way too well. So maybe he sometimes cut them a bit too much slack but it was like, why not? Poor kids. 

“But you like it there, right? At the new school? I can imagine Louis is a pain in the ass as coworker.” Zayn made sure to laugh though and he was Louis’ friend as well after all, so Niall just grinned.

“He’s alright, he’s just a little messy. We don’t teach the same subjects, so I’ve got no idea what he’s doing or anything, and we also can’t really help each other out. But it’s good, yeah, everyone’s really nice, I’m happy there, never thought that could ever happen, but… here we are.” Seriously, Niall had panicked like crazy once he had graduated, that he’d never find a job and whatnot, also because Liam had already been to like three job interviews by then, but it had all worked out, and thanks to Liam’s insane patience, Niall had only cried once. Or twice. Okay, maybe three times, but only briefly. “Hey, are you still going on this Europe trip you were talking about?”

So they talked for two hours or something before they said goodbye to each other, and Niall actually walked home because it wasn’t far and he wasn’t in a rush because Liam had just texted him that it would take a bit longer because Louis couldn’t make up his mind. At least that would give Niall some time to make dinner for when Liam was home, because now that he was on vacation, he suddenly had a ton of energy to do things like that and have fun at the same time. 

Or maybe it was just because his fiancé was the greatest person Niall had and would ever meet and he was actually the luckiest person on this planet.

\-------------

Dinner at Liam’s mother’s place was always a chaos whenever everyone came around, as in, her boyfriend, Liam’s oldest sister, her husband and kids, his younger sister with her new boyfriend, and then Niall and Liam and also Watson, all crammed together in a not so big flat. It was still fun though, Liam enjoyed spending time with his family, and he loved seeing Niall getting along so well with everybody. Not that it was still a surprise after four years, but Liam knew that not everybody was this lucky, and he just really liked how much his mother loved Niall, and how good he was with the kids and just… he was absolutely everything Liam could’ve ever wanted in a boyfriend.

After they had said goodbye to everyone and gotten back in the car, Liam kinda waited for Niall to notice, but it actually took for him to get halfway home when Niall suddenly let out a weird noise. “Wha-“

“Li, we forgot him!” Niall sounded really shocked, his eyes huge as they looked at each other and Liam had to hold back a smirk. “Watson. Li, we forgot our _dog!_”

“I know, but-“

“What do you mean?! Liam, it’s our dog! You have to turn around. Oh god, we’re bad pet owners, I can’t believe we forgot him.” Just because Niall sounded a lot more stressed out than Liam would have thought, he made sure to reach over, squeeze his thigh.

“Ni, we didn’t forget him.” He promised, making sure to carry on quickly because he was afraid Niall would genuinely freak out now. “I’ve got a surprise for you, and I didn’t wanna tell you before, but we can’t have Watson with us for that so I already talked to my mom and he’s gonna stay with her for that. Okay? Don’t worry about it, I wanted us to leave him there or I would’ve said something.”

“But I- I still forgot him and- wait, what surprise?” Now Niall looked both surprised but also still worked up and Liam felt bad, but he was hoping that that would pass once he had told Niall about the surprise. 

“I thought since you’re on break and everything, we should go on a trip. We’ve not been on vacation last year and… I feel like we deserve it.” Liam told him, hoping that Niall would be happy, but he still just looked shocked for another moment. "That's also why I crossed most things off of our grocery list, so it won't go bad while we're away."

“But- wait, you have to work tomorrow and-“

“No, I don’t, I’ve also taken the week off, I just didn’t tell you so I wouldn’t ruin the surprise.” Liam laughed when saw Niall’s face as he stopped at a right light. “We’re leaving tomorrow morning, but don’t ask where, it’s still a surprise.”

“Li, I- I don’t know what to say. Are you being for real?” Now he did sound excited, and there was a smile forming on his lips that Liam just couldn’t help but kiss after nodding. “Thank you, I- I don’t know what to say. Is there really no chance you’ll tell me where-“

“Nope, no way. My lips are sealed, sorry, baby.” Liam grinned when Niall playfully rolled his eyes, still smiling though when Liam kissed him again right before the lights turned green. “But it’ll save you from packing your bags because I’ll do it for you so you won’t figure out where we’re going.”

“How long have you had this planned?” Niall sounded amused, but also really excited, and Liam definitely felt very proud of himself right now, also for having been able to keep it to himself for this long.

“Around two months, I almost told you like 20 times since then, but now I’m really glad I didn’t. And we’ll still go on that trip in August, don’t worry. I just thought we could use some time away, especially because I know this school year is already dragging on for you.” It wasn’t hard to tell, and Liam knew that Niall was happy at the school he was at, but that didn’t mean that Liam didn’t wanna do something nice for him and hopefully help him relax before the new semester started. “So I do hope that spending a few days with me won’t mess up your plans of staying at home without me and-“

“Li, seriously, do you really think that? I couldn’t think of anything I’d rather do than go on a trip with you, and just you. I was already getting a bit worried that I’d get bored at home by myself.” Wait…

“Why didn’t you tell me you were stressing out over that? I would’ve taken the week off anyways, I would’ve told you sooner.” Now Liam felt bad, but Niall shrugged it off anyways, still with a massive smile on his face as he leaned over to kiss Liam’s shoulder while the older man was driving. 

“It’s all good now. Thank you for surprising me, I literally had no idea.” That had been the plan, although Liam still couldn’t believe he had pulled it off. “I still feel bad that I forgot about Watson.”

“I made sure you did, babe, it’s not your fault. I had my mom keep him in the other room when we left, and don’t worry, I did say goodbye to him before that and he is going to be fine, my mom will feed him all day long. He won’t even wanna come back to us. Wait, no, that’s not what I meant, I was just-“

“I know, Li, don’t worry. I just feel a bit guilty I didn’t say goodbye and he’s gonna think I hate him, but… I know he’s a dog. He’d be sad either way about us leaving.” There was a moment of silence where Liam questioned what he had done for a second, but luckily, Niall was able to move on quite quickly. “So that limits the places we can go, if we can’t bring a dog.”

“It’s really hard to find a place where they actually let you bring a dog this big, I checked.” Liam laughed, but Niall just started guessing places anyways until they were back home, and he even kept it up then when they were packing.

Liam only let him pack normal things and he also only told him for how many days they’d be gone for, but he did send Niall to watch TV in the living room, taking it upon himself to pack his clothes. It wouldn’t have been much of a hint really, but now that Liam had managed to keep the secret for this long, he didn’t wanna screw it up.

“I don’t think I can sleep, I’m too excited… can you not even give me a little hint?” Niall was being restless once they were finally in bed, way too late, and the lights were already turned off and Liam was half asleep.

“No, it’ll ruin the surprise, baby… “ He mumbled somewhere against the back of Niall’s neck, holding him tighter as he nuzzled his face against Niall’s hair, breathing him in. “Just try and sleep… “

“But I can’t.” Niall complained like a child, making Liam smile fondly, but he still stayed in the exact position he was in, blindly searching for Niall’s hand to hold onto. “… are you asleep?”

“No…” Liam whispered, honestly having to fight right now to not drift off. “Baby… we have to get up in 5 hours.”

“I know, sorry… just the tiniest hint?” Niall kept trying, for the next few minutes actually until he had Liam laughing even though he was so close to just passing out the entire time.

In the end, he did end up giving Niall a hint, a pretty bad one, and Niall never ended up guessing it that night but they were both really exhausted and somehow managed to fall asleep, for 4 hours or something. Then again, Liam was a bit too excited to be tired in the morning anyways, and he also didn’t mind having to almost force Niall to get up, waking him with so many kisses and tickles that Niall had no chance but to laugh instead of going back to sleep.

\------------

“Wait- _oh my god!_ I’m an idiot, how did I not figure this out?! How did you- I can’t believe you, Li!” Niall was laughing while saying it, a nervous-excited laughter though because he genuinely could not believe it when he _finally_ realized where they were going. But only after they had already switched trains. “I’m an idiot, say it.”

“You’re not an idiot, love, I didn’t want you to figure it out. But I’m glad you’re so excited because I was getting worried it wasn’t creative enough or-“

“Are you joking?! This is more creative than anything else I could have ever come up with. Did you- oh my god, did you ask my mom for the exact location and that lady’s phone number?” Niall still couldn’t believe it, that they were going to this cabin they hadn’t been at ever since the very first time. That time that had changed absolutely everything. 

“No, I saw it on Airbnb, it wasn’t hard to find. You know that woman said she remembers us? We texted a bit back and forth, she seems thrilled we’re together although she’s kinda the one who outed you to your mom, but… I don’t think she knows that.” Well, it was probably better that Liam hadn’t asked Niall’s mother about the place, although she would have surely told him, it’s just… they weren’t really normally speaking on the phone. 

“Maybe I should be thankful to her, I might have never told my mom otherwise back then. Although… it might have saved her half a heart attack.” Then again, she had also needed a long time to believe that Niall and Liam were twin flames, so it was whatever. “Anyways, I still can’t believe you did this, Li, it’s like- like a trip to the past or something. Because this feels like ten lifetimes ago and now you’re not just my boyfriend, you’re my fiancé and- wow. Just to warn you, I might cry.”

“I won’t stop you, I’ll just be watching you feeling proud of myself for always having such great ideas.” Liam joked, laughing loudly when Niall rolled his eyes at him, playfully trying to push him in his seat, but Liam simply stopped him by tightly wrapping an arm around him, pressing his lips against the younger man’s forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Li… so fucking much.” Niall closed his eyes for a moment, just taking in the moment for a second or two. “I can’t believe she told you you can’t bring Watson.”

“She didn’t say that, but bringing him on the train would’ve been awful and also… the cabin isn’t that big and, like… his habit of trying to get into our bed would’ve probably gotten in our way considering there’s only one big room. And I… I don’t really plan on staying dressed all day.” Oh.

“Right, yeah, I- that would’ve been… awkward. I mean, not that he’s not seen way too much already when he was still a real puppy, but like- he’s a dog anyways, but-“

“Please don’t remind me of that.” Liam groaned, making Niall laugh although it also wasn’t his favorite memory. They had had to get used to having a dog first, so they had definitely had sex a few times and only after realized that their dog had literally been watching them the entire time, which… hadn’t been that great and not exactly lifted the mood to put it that way. 

“At least we’ll have practice for when we have kids, we’ll never forget to close that door. I mean, we’ll probably also have to lock it, but… is that an okay thing to do? Do you lock your kids out of the room?” Now Niall wasn’t sure anymore, and judging by Liam’s expression, he wasn’t sure either and Niall decided they needed to move on from this topic of them having to lock kids and pets out of their room to sleep with each other. “When are we gonna be there?”

“Really soon, I think, I forgot how long it took last time. I thought you used to come here all the time as a kid.” The older man joked and it was kinda true, but that also felt like an even longer lifetime ago.

“Yeah, but I can’t remember any of that, it’s been four year since I’ve been here with you and over ten since I’ve come here with my parents… they probably also switched out the trains during that time, I thought they looked a lot dirtier. They were probably also slower.” And maybe they were taking a different route, or Niall was really an idiot and hadn’t looked out of the window closely enough. “… oh my god, Liam.”

“What?” Liam’s face was really confused for a second as Niall grabbed a hold of his arm, probably thinking it was something terrible. It was to Niall.

“You didn’t pack any food, did you?” Terrible.

“No, because if I had you would’ve known where we’re going and- Ni, we can just buy food at the store, you know? Why the sad face, babe?” Liam laughed at him while Niall pretended to be pouting just so he’d get a kiss. “Are you hungry right now?”

“Yeah, kinda.” Niall told him truthfully, kinda expecting Liam to offer to buy him overpriced food on the train which he would’ve turned down anyways, but it also never came to that.

“Too bad.” The older man answered straight out, before laughing hysterically when he saw Niall’s face drop. “I’m joking, I’m joking. Sorry. We’re almost there, okay? Think you can manage?”

“I can try.” Niall playfully rolled his eyes, allowing Liam to pull him in though and cover his face in kisses until he was laughing too. 

They did in fact arrive only ten minutes later, and Niall could barely believe being back in this village, without all the snow and slightly warmer temperatures. They stopped at the store first this time before going to pick up the keys, having a bit of a really long chat with the owner right before getting lost three times on their way to the cabin. 

It looked different without all the snow, and Niall’s sense of orientation also wasn’t the best but it was all good because it was still light outside and by the time they finally made it, they were at least exhausted enough so they wouldn’t have to go back outside for another walk.

“This is crazy, it looks _exactly_ the way it always did… the phone signal is better though.” Niall was a little impressed by that, but only for a second before Liam had snatched his phone out of his hand. “Hey-“

“We don’t need phones here, we didn’t back then, right? It’ll just be us.” Liam seemed very set on that idea, and Niall almost had to laugh over his serious face, but he kept it together. “Sorry for taking it from you, I should’ve-“

“No, no, keep it, you’re right. I just want it to be us for the next few days as well. I do have to text my mom and Zayn though to tell them that we didn’t die if they can’t reach either of us.” Niall took his phone back slowly, his stomach warming from the thought of how badly Liam wanted them to just be alone here, with no distractions, just the two of them. Like it had been all those years back. “I can make food, I’m about to starve.”

“No, I’ll do it, this vacation was meant for you to relax. Sit.” Liam ordered him gently after kissing his cheek, and there was no way Niall would just sit back and let Liam do everything, but it definitely made him smile like a right idiot.

They ended up making food together, just like they always did at home whenever they had the time. Because they both usually tended to go home fairly early compared to other jobs though, that actually worked out quite well usually, so they were used to it and Niall loved how they had grown to be so domestic over the years but that they still loved doing everything together. Niall didn’t think that would ever change, he couldn’t see himself ever not being excited about spending time with Liam doing absolutely anything, but also, he felt like it wouldn’t even be possible for them to grow bored of each other. They completed the other after all, and it was more noticeable the longer they were together.

“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” Niall was just a little worried after they had eaten and cleaned up and Liam announced he wanted to use the fireplace this time, sitting on the floor watching his boyfriend kneeling down in front of it.

“Yeah, I looked it up a few days ago, and I also talked about it with the owner before we came here, we’ll be fine. She promised me I wouldn’t end up burning the place down… see?” What Liam was doing looked kinda professional, but Niall was still slightly nervous for a few more seconds as he just watched, silently praying that Liam had done enough research. “We’ve got a bucket of water right there, we’re going to be fine, promise. This is so much more romantic now.”

“It is, but only until we-“

“Shhh, c’mere.” Liam quickly shut him up by moving closer to Niall and starting to kiss him, a little out of nowhere but also not really. 

Niall immediately forgot about the fireplace and his worries, he just basically let himself fall back on the soft carpet, slowly and with Liam’s arms around him so he wouldn’t get hurt. He didn’t even feel the wooden floor beneath him because the carpet was so thick, and he was also glad now that he hadn’t put on a jumper after all because the fire was making it warm, but Liam’s body covering his was making Niall feel even warmer. 

They kissed slowly, Liam’s tongue begging for entrance to Niall’s mouth so the younger man relaxed his jaw with a sigh, wrapping his arms tightly around his fiancé’s neck to hold him close. Liam was putting almost his entire weight on top of Niall and Niall wouldn’t have wanted it any other way, he just wanted to be close to Liam, in every way possible, but he also wanted to drag this out for as long as possible because they had all the time in the world.

And who knew when they’d ever get to be this private again, with no sounds filling the room except the fireplace and their clothes rubbing together, their quiet breaths as they kept making out on the floor.

Liam’s hand was warm as it found its way underneath Niall’s shirt, pushing it up as far as possible until Niall started pulling on Liam’s clothes as well, touching him everywhere he could reach while trying not to break their kiss. They had to, eventually, but only to hectically removed each other’s shirts and Niall couldn’t wait to get his hands back on Liam, feel his bare skin against his own as he laid back down, pulling the older man on top of him once more.

Liam had been right, this _was_ a lot more romantic than without the fireplace although Niall had quickly forgotten about it around 2 minutes into their snogging session. He knew Liam inside out, knew the way he felt against him, how he tasted, probably every single birth mark on his body, and he knew what the older man liked, what drove him crazy and how he’d react. It was so intimate now that they knew each other so well, after four years of doing this, but it was still exciting at the very same time. And Niall couldn’t have imagined anything better than this right here.

“Liam… “ He mumbled as they broke their kiss for a moment, really just because he had wanted to say Liam’s name as he started kissing down his neck, his mouth still open, breath hot against Niall’s sensitive skin. 

“Hm?” Was all Liam made before sucking a bruise into Niall’s neck and the younger man arched his back a bit, putting his head back to allow Liam better access while curling his fingers into his hair. 

“Love you… “ Niall brought out, actually never wanting Liam to stop caressing his body.

“I love you too… you’re so beautiful.” Liam whispered against his skin as he moved down further, over Niall’s collar bones and then down to his nipples, making him jerk as he wrapped his lips around them, rolling the other one between his fingers just the way Niall liked. 

He took his time, gently licking at and sucking on Niall’s skin before his fingers and mouth switched positons, and Niall was already painfully hard in his sweatpants by the time Liam finally reached his belly button, of course having to make Niall laugh by tickling him, only to make him moan the very next second as he put his mouth over Niall’s erection still covered with fabric. “Babe… “

“Shh, I got you, let me take care of you, okay?” Liam was whispering and Niall just nodded, trying to catch his breath for a second but the older man was barely leaving him any time for that. “Can I?”

“Yeah… anything.” Niall didn’t think there’d ever be a time he wouldn’t let Liam do absolutely everything to him because they had done it all already, but he still appreciated Liam always making sure to check first. Of course Niall did the same the other way around, even if he knew Liam trusted him 100%. 

The older man didn’t pull his pants down immediately, he took his time caressing Niall’s body, eventually spreading Niall’s legs a bit further so he could kneel in between them, and Niall could barely take the anticipation as Liam started undressing him, completely, because Niall hadn’t ever bothered to put on underwear again. 

He kept his eyes closed as he felt his erection being freed from his pants, helping Liam just a bit to get rid of his clothes before lying still, not looking so he wouldn’t know what Liam was about to do. He was still between Niall’s legs and Niall felt his warmth, shudders going through his body as Liam’s palms moved slowly up and down his thighs before pushing them up a bit, until Niall had put his feet flat on the carpet, his heart racing at this point.

The first touch of Liam’s hand around him was always a shock, and Niall moaned, trying to keep it together when Liam started to stroke him gently, moving his fist painfully slow up and down Niall’s erection, taking his time with it. Just this was almost too much, and Niall had no idea how much more he could survive when Liam moved his hand down a bit to fondle his balls, making Niall bite his lip bleeding, no doubt. 

“Fuck… Liammm… “ Niall whined, his chest heaving as he did his best to lie still and not thrust up into Liam’s fist when he started stroking him again.

Liam didn’t reply, he just kept the teasing up for a while, occasionally stopping all movements when Niall’s breath got panicky. When he pulled back Niall’s sensitive foreskin just to put his lips on the exposed skin, Niall honestly thought he had to die, but instead he just kept moaning until Liam _finally_ put him into his mouth for real, bobbing his head a few times before going back to just stroking him again, driving Niall the fuck insane.

“_Li_\- aaah…. Li, _please_…“ Niall did eventually open his eyes to look down, watch his fiancé wanking him, a grin on his lips right before he enveloped Niall into the hot heat of his mouth again. He was so fucking good at this, it should’ve honestly been illegal, and Niall was a sobbing mess in no time when Liam started to really get him off with his mouth, keeping an arm around Niall’s waist to keep him from thrusting up and choking him.

Somewhere in the back of Niall’s mind, Niall didn’t wanna come like this just yet, but Liam wasn’t leaving him any time to breathe, allowed nothing besides moans and _ah-ah’s_ to leave Niall’s mouth. He tried to weekly push at Liam’s head when he was about to come, but Liam didn’t budge as Niall came down his throat, working him through his orgasm and licking him clean after as Niall’s dick softened in his mouth and hand.

“Fuck… fuck, Li… I w-wanted to- I want you… “ Niall brought out between desperate breaths for air as Liam smiled at him, letting go of him just to hover over him for a moment so they could kiss. It was really dirty, and should’ve probably been gross, to taste his own jizz in Liam’s mouth, but Niall found it oddly hot as they snogged for a bit, Liam’s lips all plush and swollen from blowing him.

The younger man barely had any time to come down from it all when Liam had already sat back again, stroking the inside of Niall’s thighs, getting dangerously close to where he was still really sensitive. “Can we keep going? Or do you wanna stop?”

“I wanna… keep going. I’ll tell you if I wanna stop…” Niall promised quickly, never really having come down from his first orgasm, so when Liam pressed a kiss against his knee before moving his hands to the underside of Niall’s thighs, pushing them back against the younger man’s chest, completely exposing him, he could already feel himself getting hard again.

It wasn’t the most comfortable, but Niall was still worked up and kinda feeling dizzy and sweaty and when Liam put his mouth on his hole without warning, of course it sent shockwaves all over Niall’s body. Liam knew just how quickly he could make Niall come like this, but he wasn’t taking as much time as before, and maybe that was making it even better.

Niall’s head was spinning because of how fucking good it felt to have Liam’s mouth there, his tongue pushing past the rim as Niall relaxed his muscles with a sob, and shortly after one of Liam’s fingers. Niall eventually had to move onto his stomach because his legs were starting to hurt, moaning against his own arm instead as Liam fingered him open after getting a bottle of lube, allowing him to push his arse back up against his digits, longing to feel pressure against his prostate.

“L-Li… I-I’m gonna-“

“Okay, okay… one second.” Liam pulled his fingers out gently, kissing the small of Niall’s back as he gently ordered him to turn back around. Niall’s cheeks were definitely wet with tears and sweat as Liam helped him to sit up, keeping an arm around him at all times as he kissed him, softly but still kinda dirty and Niall moved his hand to feel Liam’s erection through his pants, feeling his own getting more interested again. “Better- better stop that.”

“Okay… let me.” Niall told him, suddenly feeling so desperate that he only pulled Liam’s pants down enough to rest underneath his balls, the other man moaning as Niall hastily coated his hands with lube before rubbing him, until Liam stopped him with a hand around his wrist.

His eyes were dark with lust as he pulled Niall in, moving so that he could lean against the couch as the younger man went to sit on his lap with his legs on either side of Liam, their hands bumping together as they both grabbed a hold of Liam’s erection to guide him inside the younger man. Niall felt his breath stopping when the head pushed past his rim, and he kept eye contact with Liam as he sat down slowly, letting the older man fill him up, all hot and tight and when Niall was fully sitting down on his lip, he had to take a few moments to collect himself.

Niall pressed his forehead against Liam’s, harshly breathing against him when he felt Liam’s hand rubbing down his back, pressing against where Niall knew his soulmate mark was. Whenever Liam touched it, it felt really intense, really intimate as well and Niall couldn’t help but kiss him again, hugging him close as he slowly started to move on the older man’s erection.

He was fully hard again by the time Liam dropped a hand between them to wank Niall off while the younger man was bouncing on his dick, slowly at first until he had gotten used to it, until he had found the exact right angle he had wanted and was hitting all the right spots with every single thrust.

“F-Fuck… fuck, b-baby… _aaah-aaah yeah_, just- just like _that_… “ Liam’s moans were like music to Niall’s ears, his thighs and knees were burning by now, but he didn’t even notice, it almost made it feel even more intense as he was chasing his second orgasm, purposefully squeezing down around the older man because he knew what it did to him.

They didn’t last long, neither of them, Niall came between their bodies with basically no warning, pressing his lips against Liam’s as he felt the older man filling him up shortly after, while they were clinging to one another, barely even able to still kiss through it. The second one always hit Niall harder than the first, and he still saw stars in front of his eyes as he struggled to come down from it, just hugging Liam close, as tightly as somehow possible, not ever wanting to let go of him again.

Their chests were moving against one another as they both tried to catch their breaths and Liam’s hand was unevenly stroking Niall’s sweaty back, neither of them moving as they remained just like this for as long as somehow possible. Niall felt Liam pulling out a couple moments later, and he felt the older man’s cum dripping out of him, but it was honestly kinda hot and also not the first time they had done it like this.

“Nialler… “ Liam whispered after a while, and Niall wasn’t even sure if he had really heard him right or not. “I love you… I love you so much and-fuck… I can’t believe how lucky I am that I get to be with you and spend my life with you and that- that we found each other… I know we’re meant to be together, but every day it just gets more obvious and I fall in love with you even more even though I didn’t think that’s even possible and… I just love you, you’re wonderful, Nialler… “

“I love you too, Liam, more than I could ever tell you and- I still wanna pinch myself sometimes because I can’t believe it either, after everything… I sometimes still can’t believe that any of this is real… and… Li?” Niall asked, almost on the verge of tears again when he asked, but he was hugging Liam so tightly that they couldn’t look at each other.

“Yes, baby?” Liam asked quietly, making Niall’s heart skip a beat or two. 

“Will you marry me when we get back home? I know you’re the one who proposed and we just talked about it, but I mean- I mean, will you marry me right when we get back home? Because I don’t wanna wait any longer, I want us to be together, forever and I want to make it as official as somehow possible.” Niall meant it, somehow, the need to do it felt even stronger than ever before.

Liam didn’t answer at first, he just squeezed Niall tightly, pressing his lips against his shoulder a she whispered against his skin. “Yeah- yes. Of course I will, Nialler, there’s nothing I’d rather do.”

Niall was pretty sure he had never gone to bed happier that night, hours later, after they had made more use of that fireplace burning on and on. 

\------------------

_When Niall dreamed that night, he knew it was one of those dreams, without even really knowing it. _

_It wasn’t a look in the past this time, nor were it hints or anything like that, but he definitely was at the beach, possibly the same one all the other dreams had happened on, but it didn’t really matter in this case. It was much more about the house right there, and kids playing in the sand and people talking and laughing, and though Niall didn’t recognize his much older self at first, it filled his heart to see him happy with a much older version of Liam as well, surrouded by what he knew was their family._

_And suddenly, Niall knew he wouldn’t have to be scared anymore about the future, or about them having kids and possibly messing up, or making the wrong decisions. They couldn’t make the wrong decisions, not as long as they were together, not as long as they made them together._

_Niall was smiling watching the scene, not going any closer, but he suddenly felt a hand in his and upon turning his head, it was present tense Liam standing next to him, returning his smile and squeezing his fingers._

_Everything would be just fine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone!! i am sooo sorry that the last chapter was so late, i dont know what i did this week but i ended up writing this entire chapter today rip, i hope you enjoyed it!!!
> 
> thank you all SO much for still reading my fics, i really mean it, i appreciate it so much and i get so happy over each and every comment and all the kudos! ive been on here since what feels like forever and it seems like 1D has been gone forever as well so im just super grateful that you guys are still reading my fics! i know they are mostly AU's but still! 
> 
> i am definitely back soon with a new fic, im already thinking of new ideas and ive got almost 2 weeks off to do whatever i want, so i definitely wanna make use of that time! as always, i would love to read you guys' thoughts in the comments and talk to you! and feel free to leave ideas as well! i love you guys, youre the best!!! <3


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